This sounds awful, but...

LegacyUser

This sounds awful, but..

Been married to a great girl now for more than 15 years. Great in every respect but one.
In our earlier years I noticed that she never paid as much attention to personal appearance and sadly, personal hygiene as other women I had known. But she was great in so many other ways so I ignored the minus points & concentrated on the positives.
She has always known that like all men, i love to see a woman wear lingerie. She occasionally donned something black & skimpy but the effort was half-hearted.
Recently, she has developed a problem where she does a pee during sex. Usually in the morning glory timeband. This has caused me to switch off entirely on each occasion.
Yesterday I awoke to find her straddling me. I told her to go to the loo to avoid accidents. She accused me of 'ruining it' for her - maybe I did, but I am tired of being disgusted by the woman I love.
I have tried talking about these issues before with no result. Yesterday I said that there would be no more intimacy as B.O. and golden showers held no attraction for me. Needless to say she is very upset and today I feel rotten for having been so direct. But I am not attracted to her sexually because of these things and cannot fake it.
Incidently, I am one of those guys that showers once daily or twice if I have been working. Every week I trim nose&ear hair and shoulders every second week. I do this for her benefit as I know she never liked my shoulder hair.
I still want sex, but nowadays find other more feminine women catching my eye.
What to do?

Anti

I think maybe sitting her down and talking to her. Tell her you still love her, but the b.o and golden showers are turning you off. Tell her you still find her sexy but these need to change. But dont be too blunt, try and do it so it wont hurt her feelings.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Tried that. More than once. Short term improvement for a week or two then back to the usual.
Doesn't seem to attach any importance to the issue.

PeakOutput

I assume she is not deliberately pissing on you in which case you are being a bit insensitive. of course the bo thing is inexcusible

Marksie

with anti on this one. It really is the only thing you can do.

You have made a direct comment to the effect it aint going to happen until things change.

I belive when your partner realises you are serious then she will change. But you will have to explain why fully.

Marksie

PeakOutput wrote:

I assume she is not deliberately pissing on you in which case you are being a bit insensitive. of course the bo thing is inexcusible

i am not sure peak output. By teh OP admission thsi happens in teh am, it is not clear whether its before or after the first visit to the loo. My guess is before, in whihdc case that issue is solved.


OP: all you can do if she doesnt take it seriously is exactly what you have said innterms of not faking it every time this issue arises

LegacyUser

The peeing is not intentional. Sometimes doesnt even notice it until afterwards. It really pisses me off though and there is no surer passion killer. Got to know another woman some months ago (work related), found myself looking forward to meeting her cos she smelt so good- weird or what?

Marksie

No reg 2007 wrote:

The peeing is not intentional. Sometimes doesnt even notice it until afterwards. It really pisses me off though and there is no surer passion killer. Got to know another woman some months ago (work related), found myself looking forward to meeting her cos she smelt so good- weird or what?

hah i am wrong again:D ! Well now, if its not intentional then that is a different matter. You may have to accept that in this instance it is something that happens and peakoutput is correct that its a little insensitive.

Your wife could practice kegel exercises/ pc control. It can help with bladder issues. Of course the exercises are good for you to do as well as they can prolong lovemaking (i.e i am suggesting you do em together).

dame

Shower together in the morning perhaps?

Talk to her, explain how you feel.

Have you ever bought her a nice bottle of perfume?

Is it possible she's a bit depressed or feels neglected so is neglecting herself because she doesn't feel worth it?

seamus

Has she been to doctor to check this out? Do you have kids? Afair, some women can experience occasional incontinence after pregnancy, this may just be a longer-term form of this.

LegacyUser

Years ago i used to embarress myself in women's shops buying lingerie for her but gave up cos she just is not into pretty undies.
Yes I have bought perfume but that can never be a substitute for washing ones nether regions.
She can avoid accidents by simply using the loo first.
Just not a feminine sort of gal I suppose.

Dudess

Yeah, some women experience urinary incontinence - often, as seamus says, due to childbirth weakening the bladder. There are treatments available.

Zombrex

No reg 2007 wrote:

This sounds awful, but..

Been married to a great girl now for more than 15 years. Great in every respect but one.
In our earlier years I noticed that she never paid as much attention to personal appearance and sadly, personal hygiene as other women I had known. But she was great in so many other ways so I ignored the minus points & concentrated on the positives.
She has always known that like all men, i love to see a woman wear lingerie. She occasionally donned something black & skimpy but the effort was half-hearted.
Recently, she has developed a problem where she does a pee during sex. Usually in the morning glory timeband. This has caused me to switch off entirely on each occasion.
Yesterday I awoke to find her straddling me. I told her to go to the loo to avoid accidents. She accused me of 'ruining it' for her - maybe I did, but I am tired of being disgusted by the woman I love.
I have tried talking about these issues before with no result. Yesterday I said that there would be no more intimacy as B.O. and golden showers held no attraction for me. Needless to say she is very upset and today I feel rotten for having been so direct. But I am not attracted to her sexually because of these things and cannot fake it.
Incidently, I am one of those guys that showers once daily or twice if I have been working. Every week I trim nose&ear hair and shoulders every second week. I do this for her benefit as I know she never liked my shoulder hair.
I still want sex, but nowadays find other more feminine women catching my eye.
What to do?

Talk to her.

Really her personal insecurities about these things being pointed out are something to be careful about but she can't expect you to simply ignore everything she does. Its all very well for people to say that you should love someone no matter what, but these are things she can change. Relationships are give and take.

Heaven knows my girlfriends constantly gave out to me about little things like if I smelt or did something disgusting. For some reason there is this double standard that a guy cannot say something to a girl lest he be called shallow.

littlesurfer

i'm wondering what kind of anwer your looking for here. You've talked to her and said that doesn't work, and you've said her problems are not medical and just simply a result in her lack of interest in making an effort.

is there really anything else you can do. And if not...are you willing to put up with it?

LegacyUser

I understand that pregnancy takes a lot out of some women and causes various long term health issues. In our case this incontinence is avoided by a 15second trip to the en-suite the other end of the bedroom.
But why is she not like other 40 yr old women that are pernickety about appearance & fastidious about hygiene?
I see another thread here from a girl about trimming / shaving her muff. This may be a peculiar topic and subject to a lot of funny remarks but she is definitely interested in her appearance (and good on her).
How do I get her to listen and do something about it? Talking to her hasnt worked so far.

LegacyUser

Any answers will do.
Home from work now and getting the silent treatment. Almost as if I had danced bollick naked on the alter at last Sunday's mass.
She has not showered today (I think).
Am going to move into the spare room for a few days and see what happens.

PeakOutput

No reg 2007 wrote:

Any answers will do.
Home from work now and getting the silent treatment. Almost as if I had danced bollick naked on the alter at last Sunday's mass.
She has not showered today (I think).
Am going to move into the spare room for a few days and see what happens.

as long as you realise where this is going then go for it but you only gave her the ultimatum yesterday right?? so moving to the spare room without giving her a reasonable chance to respond to what you said is a bit premature i think

Oryx

Moving to the spare room might just make things worse. You could both end up in a not-speaking stalemate.

Youve made some pretty harsh comments about her (concerning two really sensitive areas for women) so I wouldnt be surprised if shes hurt and angry. She may be dying to point out some of your less than savoury habits!

You need to talk this out with her. Yes, I know youve tried, but when she changed she was doing it for you, not herself, so it didnt last. She needs to take an interest in this because she wants to. Perhaps ask her why she feels it doesnt matter? Above all you need to make sure she knows you do still love her. To me, some of your remarks in the posts above have come across to me as deliberately cruel, from a guy looking for excuses to stray. I really hope thats just how they seemed to me.

And this is just my own opinion... some lingerie is damned uncomfortable. A nylon and scratchy lace combo would go straight in the bin with me. I dont know what kind youve been buying her, but something very like what she normally wears, but more upmarket and sexier, might be an idea.

Spyral

why do you two have a bath together.. but again if its a problem its not like you two are the only ones in the world - there's always help available. MAybe a doctor if you beleive its a medical problem. maybe she has weak lower body ?

Tak3n

maybe shes a squirter or have i been watching too much porn and thats a myth? but from what ive read on porn sites about 5-10% of women squirt liquid out when having an orgasm never experienced it myself but maybe one day

SassyGirl_1

Looking at it another way, it almost sounds like you are looking for a reason to sleep in another bed - and maybe not the spare one in your own house.

It is just that after 15 years - and a few months after meeting the 'nice' co-worker - perhaps thoughts of the "grass being greener" elsewhere have entered your mind?

D Bronc

I agree with almost everyone on this. Maybe she does have a problem downstairs from pregnancy or other things which means even if she did go to the loo before-hand it wouldnt really matter it could still happen. She defo needs to go to the doctor for treatment and i also think marraige counselling wouldnt go astray here either. At least you can talk in a comfortable and controlled enviroment. I do think the way you spoke to her was a bit cruel though, even though i understand it had to be said. Hope things improve soon for her sake as well as yours.

LegacyUser

No Kitty, I have not strayed nor do I intend to.
I never found the hoist the boobs around the ears type lingerie attractive. Last set I bought cost €125 for a pale blue satin bra & knickers with white lace trim- pervy no way.
I dont mean to be cruel. I posted this thread because the hints havent worked. I have tried the softly softly chat method with short term results at best. I like sex. I like sex but not to the point where I can ignore a lack of feminine hygiene. The peeing thing is the final straw needed to kill off even a hint of an erection on my part. I cant help that.
I have had the good fortune to have shared a bed with 5 women in my adult life, I always paid them the basic courtesy of being clean and smelling clean. The other ladies responded in kind (they were right wans in other ways though)
Things have to change.

Galadriel

I believe if shes not willing to make the effort even though she knows it bothers you then something has to give; but before moving into the spare room sit her down and have a good chat about it again, say what you need to say..theres probably no way to sugar-coat it really (as it hasn't worked in the past) but as you are explaining how/why it bothers you keep telling her you love her and want to be with her.

If she still doesn't listen you will have to decide if you can continue to live with it.

DublinWriter

No reg 2007 wrote:

Recently, she has developed a problem where she does a pee during sex. Usually in the morning glory timeband. This has caused me to switch off entirely on each occasion.

That might not necessarily be urine Dude. Go google 'female ejaculation' and avoid the porn sites.

spurious

If it is ejaculation, it's unlikely to have suddenly developed if you have been with her 15 years, unless she has only recently started having orgasms.

If it is urine, it's time for the doctor - urinary incontinence is very common in women who have given birth.

LegacyUser

I have a similar problem, my hubby has really let himself go, married 30 odd yrs and he wont shower much, lets say "u could smell him miles away" it just is a right turn off, have said it a number of times and he's doing nothing.....help

ali.c

No reg 2007 wrote:

I have had the good fortune to have shared a bed with 5 women in my adult life, I always paid them the basic courtesy of being clean and smelling clean. The other ladies responded in kind (they were right wans in other ways though)
Things have to change.

Else where in your post though you alluded to good presentation, leaving aside the personal hygiene aspect of things, some women are just not girly and dont get the you should have to doll yourself up all the time thing....

I dont shower every day either btw, i do wash my body but as i have stupid curly hair its a pain in the ass if i wash it everyday i turn into a frizz ball.

Anyway that aside, you need to just sit her down and explain where you are coming from. Dont dress it up but at the same time dont be needlessly blunt either.

Lola123

I don't think there's any excuse for not showering or p!ssing on someone during sex. Even if it's incontinence due to childbirth or whatever, after it happens more than once you go to a docotr about it.
I don't think I could put up with this no matter how much i loved another person. It's one thing not to shave your legs for a week or so, or for a bloke not to shave for a while, but not having showers is just filthy!
Op, I don't think you were wrong to say what you did, maybe it was a bit harsh, but as you've said, subtle hints don't work. Sit her down and ask her does she have any comments on what you said and take it from there.
Don't think moving into the spare room will solve anything though.

dellas1979

Could she be depressed or have body issues, so ye have any other issues???

Sometimes, when women do not feel good about themselves, we tend to "go the opposite" way.......as in "I couldnt be bothered" kinda attitude.

I

black & white

Try to get her to go to her GP. Losing interest in personal hygiene is very often the first sign that a person is having difficulties with their mental health. There may be a relatively simple remedy but if not treated can develop into someting more serious.

Tell her you're worried about her and offer to go with her if she wants. Not sure what part of the country you're based but get the number for your local Day Hospital. They may well be able to help of it is a mental health issue.

muppetkiller

I agree with black & white here I think the problem is alot more than a lack of personal Hygiene. She obviously doesn't care a whole lot about herself at the moment and by her total disregard for your concerns ( her husband who she loves !!) seems to show that she is suffering some form of depression.

Seriously consider taking her to a GP about the urinating issue and also try to not to give out to her for the way she presents herself .

Maybe ditch the Hygiene issues for now and Ask her is she ok ? I mean has she been happy or down recently ? it's her mental health that needs to be looked at now me thinks...well that's my 2 cents.
Best of Luck either way.
Dave

~Leanne~

There is no excuse for not showering and keeping yourself clean!
Mental issues my arse, she is just lazy. Sorry for being blunt, but that is disgusting!! There is nothing worse than the small of BO especially off a woman. Im suprised the women she works with havent said anything

muppetkiller

~Leanne~ wrote:

There is no excuse for not showering and keeping yourself clean!
Mental issues my arse, she is just lazy. Sorry for being blunt, but that is disgusting!! There is nothing worse than the small of BO especially off a woman. Im suprised the women she works with havent said anything

What a silly ignorant post...let me ask you a question. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed ? If you did you'd know Hygiene is the least of their worries.

In fact i've yet to deal with a clinically depressed person who had good hygiene.
From the Interweb....in relation to Depression...
In fact Other symptoms often reported but not usually taken into account in diagnosis include:

Self-loathing.
A decrease in self-esteem.
Inattention to personal hygiene.
Sensitivity to noise.
Physical aches and pains.
Fear of 'going mad'.
Change in perception of time.
Periods of sobbing.
Possible behavioral changes, such as aggression and/or irritability.
A feeling that something bad is going to happen soon.
Avoiding social situations or being late often.
Feeling that you will never get better (hopelessness)
Excessive procrastination

jubi lee

she isn't peeing deliberately so i think you are being insensitive there. however the BO is a problem. why don't u ensure you guys always have a shower togther before hand... get you in the mood anyway... at least that way you know she's clean...

vorbis

she needs to cop on tbh. The OP hasn't mentioned mental health issues at all so its a bit of a leap to conclude that. He mentioned that she could go to the toilet before having sex and she wouldn't have the peeing issue. Yet she doesn't! I'm sorry but that would make me go mad!

As for not showering, thats just gross. I certainly you're not engaging in oral sex :eek: Washing / showering yourself is something you should do regularly just for yourself never mind for your partner.

Guys, am I the only person reading this right?

SHE DOESN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM FIRST THING, IF SHE DID THERE WOULD BE NO PEEING ON HIM.

There is no incontinence issue here. She just needs to go to the bathroom before trying it on.
She definitely has some of the symptoms of clinical depression. One other symptom is a refusal to face the fact you have a problem. Or that you can't be bothered to deal with it.

Have a chat with her, tell her you're worried about her and you love her. Ask would she like you to make an appointment for her to see the doctor (about the depression as there is no case of incontinence here). Sometimes, all you need is someone to help you up.

matt-dublin

i would have thought the fact that she is straddling you and forcing you to have sex when you don't want to would have constituted as rape?

If this was a reversed scenario where a woman woke up with her boyfriend/husband having unconsented sex there would be uproar on this forum.

Sandy2004

There is obviously a lack of communication - the husband should be close enough to the wife in order to try and find out exactly what the problems are - whether it is depression, or just laziness... discussion + comprimise = maybe a happy ending...

cowzerp

matt-dublin wrote:

i would have thought the fact that she is straddling you and forcing you to have sex when you don't want to would have constituted as rape?

If this was a reversed scenario where a woman woke up with her boyfriend/husband having unconsented sex there would be uproar on this forum.

:eek: most men would be delighted to be woken like this :eek:
she was not forcing herself on him like a rapist. she just needs to do her pee pee's and start to wash and all sounds good.

comongethappy

I'd have a very blunt talk with her. Say that you have become unattracted due to her personal hygenie, and you would immedately become attracted again if she showered daily. Tell her that her bladder incontience during sex ask become a turn off, and ask her to go to the toilet before sex, and if she is still having leakage, that she should see her gp / try a few kegel excersies. If it is bladder weakness, then sex wouldn't be her only issue - she would most likely leak urine whenever she sneezes, etc. Ask her to do it for the both of you - I'm sure she'd feel better in herself being a bit cleaner!

LegacyUser

'Been a few days since 3 allowed me a BB connection, but that is another story.
Have read all the different views, but i am still in the spare room.

To Sassy, I can admire the smell of perfume on a woman without wanting to shag her. Sometimes a cigar is JUST A CIGAR.

If she is suffering from depression should I not see some of the other usual things like crying, no interest in doing things etc?
I think there is a big jump between B.O. and depression.
My wife looks after our 3 kids and runs the house.

I have spoken to **** again and explained that I did not want to be cruel to her, the opposite in fact - I want to be proud of the attractive woman I live with, particularly in company. I like being woken up with her sitting on me but I dont like being peed on. I dont like having to get up at 6.30am on Sat morning to change sheets. This does not happen if she uses the loo before making her dawn raids. I got no response, nada - not a dickie bird.

Her sister has also commented to her about the BO thing in the past. The BO thing is nothing new.
I think we learn these things as children and will not change in later life - old dogs & new tricks. I make sure my teenage kids shower every day and pay attention to their appearance - first impressions count.
I do my best for my wife, I'd like her to do the same for me.
Thanks for the debate.'

~Leanne~

muppetkiller wrote:

What a silly ignorant post...let me ask you a question. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed ? If you did you'd know Hygiene is the least of their worries.

In fact i've yet to deal with a clinically depressed person who had good hygiene.
From the Interweb....in relation to Depression...
In fact Other symptoms often reported but not usually taken into account in diagnosis include:

Self-loathing.
A decrease in self-esteem.
Inattention to personal hygiene.
Sensitivity to noise.
Physical aches and pains.
Fear of 'going mad'.
Change in perception of time.
Periods of sobbing.
Possible behavioral changes, such as aggression and/or irritability.
A feeling that something bad is going to happen soon.
Avoiding social situations or being late often.
Feeling that you will never get better (hopelessness)
Excessive procrastination

I dont think my post was silly or ignorant in any way!!
She refuses to to the toilet before sex and refuses to wash!
I have known many people in my life with clinical depression.....some were close to me.
In my opinion i dont think this is the case here.
I hope this issue gets sorted as i wouldnt like to see this family unit ruined because of it.

LegacyUser

'

~Leanne~ wrote:

refuses to wash!

Some people seem to have an aversion to washing. Have seen folk on a certain bus trip both male female and you could not sit beside them. There is a certain journey I will not take at a certain time unwashed bodies/BO disgusting and they seem unaware or not to be bothered. Would have to jump in shower on return if they sat beside me ...clothes filthy...yuck!'

DrChoda

Considered counselling for the two of you?

LegacyUser

'Breakthrough!
The house was quiet this morning and she came up to my room for a chat.

Perhaps there is an issue with depression. She expressed a feeling of being bogged down and doing her hair, makeup and washing feel like too much bother and 'Whatsthe point?'

I have asked her to go see the GP on Monday & she agreed. I rang her sister and asked her to bring ***** shopping today for some new clothes. The sister has good taste & is tactful.

Am waiting now for her to get home, the kids are packed off to anyone willing to take them. Dinner is cooked, after dinner a walk up the woods, I might even get lucky.

Progress, but for how long?'

00112984

No reg 2007 wrote:

Progress, but for how long?'

One day at a time! At least she's doing something.

Hope you both have a lovely night.

dame

Hope the new clothes, nice evening (why not try and make it a regular thing?) and positive attention from you all have a good effect.

Try to be more positive. It sounds like you're expecting her to slip back into her old ways again by morning.

dame

Another thought OP:

She has told you that things get on top of her and bog her down and you've told us that she looks after your three kids and the house.......so take the hint.....it's time for you to start doing a lot more around the house.

LegacyUser

'

dame wrote:

....so take the hint.....it's time for you to start doing a lot more around the house.

ha ha
i was waiting for this comment to pop up - surprised it took so long.
listen girls - excessive housework is not the cause of all martial woes.'

milkerman

dame wrote:

Another thought OP:

She has told you that things get on top of her and bog her down and you've told us that she looks after your three kids and the house.......so take the hint.....it's time for you to start doing a lot more around the house.

Jeez, not every husband is a sloppy couch potato. I think that you are unfairly applying this stereotypical view of men on this guy. For all we know this guy already starts into the hoovering, ironing, washing etc after he finishes his WAGE EARNING JOB.
After all, from the sound of it his wife doesn't seem to dig the whole 'clean' theme! And he sounds fastidious about hygiene at least.
So lets offer advice on the basis of case stated and limit the presumptions.