emotional detachment

Crumble Froo

hey all,
not entirely sure this is the right forum, but how and ever, im sure ill be redirected if it's not...

basically, im 19, im a care worker with the elderly, and i love my job. did a year's work experience as part of a college course, and have been working with an agency for over a year now. i didnt finish the college course, for personal reasons, but i do intend to go back at some point...

anyhow, in my first few months in the area, one of the men i was particularly fond of, died. i was quite upset. it was a lesson though, in not getting too attached, which is fair enough.

now, im after working very closely and very intensely with another man with a short timespan left. i grew very fond of him over a very short time, and when he suddenly turned a corner and became very very ill/weak, and was brought to hospital, seemingly on death's door, it knocked me for six. id had an exhausting (but rewarding) week working with him, and went home that evening and absolutely cried my eyes out. that was a couple of weeks ago, and im still finding it difficult to let go, or deal with.

i acknowledge that 1. i am not good with death, and that 2. death is inevitable, particularly in my line of work.

that said, i love my job and my work too much to quit because of that. really, what i want to know is if there are any tips people can offer to help myself deal with this, or any advice.

i remember my tutor in college telling us that it took him, i cant remember exactly , but it was 6 or 8 years or something til he could stop taking his work home with him, so to speak. maybe it's just a maturity thing, or a learning curve or something, but between physical and mental exhaustion, i was an absolute wreck after that client was brought to hospital, and figure that now, while im with a much more 'stable' client, i can begin to work on this, instead of waiting til im at crisis point.

any advice is welcome, thanks.

biko

Really it just takes time and getting used to. I have worked with elderly when I was about your age and later also in ICU units and the amount of people that die is unreal. In the beginning you don't know how to handle it but death is a part of life and you get used to it and can concentrate on doing a good job. One way I would deal with it in the ICU is to see the disease, not the person. Kinda like a waiter sees a food order, not a person.

Somehow I found it harder to deal with the ones who don't die but just lie there year after year, poor sods.

Crumble Froo

i think that my biggest problem is that im not in a unit or anything. when the first guy died, it was in a group situation, and i worked with several people at once, and when 2 more died, basically treated it like they just hadnt turned up that day...

but my job now, usually involves living in the person's home and spending days with them at a time. it's much much harder to detach then, and really, seeing the disease and not hte person goes against the entire philosophy of my job.

CathyMoran

I have seen a friend who is a doctor who even finds it hard to associate me with the illnesses that I have had, he gets very clinical and detatched on the other hand some of the best carers I know do get involved in the lives of their charges. You have picked a very hard job and I admire you for doing it.

McGinty

Hi Op

First I'd like to commend your sensitivity and caring nature, often feeling a lot of sorrow or being sensitive is seen as negative because of the suffering that can be involved but I see positives in this as well because when we are sensitive we feel more joy as well as more sorrow.

I think in the case of your work I would highly recommend a book called 'On death and dying' by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, it discusses the five stages of death/grief from a psychological perspective, at the time when she did a study on patients who were dying, she had a great difficulty in doing the research and her book was considered very radical but she believes in the importance of a good death, which brings me to my next point.

The fact that you are working closely with your patients and developing a strong bond suggests to me that this is a two way process, and that your patients are enjoying the care and love you give them, and you are there helping them to have a good and peaceful death, and personally I see that as the greatest gift you could give someone, also consider the benefits of your friendship with these patients, what gifts of wisdom/love/encouragment do they give you? Take those memories into your heart and cherish them, and know that you helped those people to die well, and gave them love and care in their final moments. I know that if I were in their shoes I would be deeply grateful.

I know this may not help with the emotional loss that you experience, but instead of trying to hold it in, maybe have a work journal and write out your feelings and allow yourself that time to grieve. Also do things that are pleasant as this will restore your energy and make you feel better in yourself. I think it can be extremely difficult to detach if you are loving and caring by nature but also when you work with people, you cannot treat them like inanimate objects, either that or you have to turn your heart to stone and that will affect the rest of your relationships outside work, take care and the best of luck

Crumble Froo

well, i was interested in the area in 5th year, and checked it out, and decided i wanted to be a social carer cos it is more hands on, instead of social worker, which is largely administrative. i dont think i could just look at someone and see the illness or disability.

i have visited that client in the hospital on my own time, and he much appreciated. i plan to go in again next week, i wonder if im doing the right thing though? should i just leave him in the past and assume he's getting by grand, or should i keep a distance?

it's hard trying to keep the professional/personal line unblurred. this man i sat up with at 3am when he couldnt sleep, and talked about everything from me going to nz, to his uncertainty about his future, and how soon he might die. as a professional, i couldnt possibly tell him to stop talking about that, or to just nod/agree/ignore him... and as a person, well, whose heart wouldnt go out to him?!

it's just such a blurry line

Crumble Froo

McGinty wrote:

Hi Op

First I'd like to commend your sensitivity and caring nature, often feeling a lot of sorrow or being sensitive is seen as negative because of the suffering that can be involved but I see positives in this as well because when we are sensitive we feel more joy as well as more sorrow.

I think in the case of your work I would highly recommend a book called 'On death and dying' by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, it discusses the five stages of death/grief from a psychological perspective, at the time when she did a study on patients who were dying, she had a great difficulty in doing the research and her book was considered very radical but she believes in the importance of a good death, which brings me to my next point.

The fact that you are working closely with your patients and developing a strong bond suggests to me that this is a two way process, and that your patients are enjoying the care and love you give them, and you are there helping them to have a good and peaceful death, and personally I see that as the greatest gift you could give someone, also consider the benefits of your friendship with these patients, what gifts of wisdom/love/encouragment do they give you? Take those memories into your heart and cherish them, and know that you helped those people to die well, and gave them love and care in their final moments. I know that if I were in their shoes I would be deeply grateful.

I know this may not help with the emotional loss that you experience, but instead of trying to hold it in, maybe have a work journal and write out your feelings and allow yourself that time to grieve. Also do things that are pleasant as this will restore your energy and make you feel better in yourself. I think it can be extremely difficult to detach if you are loving and caring by nature but also when you work with people, you cannot treat them like inanimate objects, either that or you have to turn your heart to stone and that will affect the rest of your relationships outside work, take care and the best of luck

had missed this...

all i can say is thanks... i dont think there's much i can comment on,but ill pick up the book next time im in chapters.

thanks again

LegacyUser

'much as has been said already - you do such wonderful work. the elderly in modern societies are horribly isolated, lonely and scared.

For you to invest in them emotionally is very hard on you when they die, but it may be the last piece of love they ever feel in their lives and that is such a beautiful thing. Its hard to give advice on how not to feel down about it....but think of it this way...they would have died whether they met you or not; for some of them you are the reason they didn't die completely alone.'

Crumble Froo

... so i learn to live with it, i guess..?:rolleyes:

thanks guys.:)

Marksie

narco wrote:

... so i learn to live with it, i guess..?:rolleyes:

thanks guys.:)

To an extent. There is a history in my family of peoplein the medical profession or a profession which deals with human trauma one way or another.

For your own sanity in the end you have to be caring but be able to separate the job from your personal life.

littlesurfer

I'm a nurse myself and the amount of people you get close to only for them to pass away can be hard to take. But honestly you get used to it. Sounds harsh but you jsut have to. It will never get to the stage when you stop caring and you'll still be having a cry once every now and then down the line.

...But the point is thats why you love the job. Not because it makes you cry but because it means enough to you for you to cry. Catch 22 possibly but if you didn't care enough to cry once in a while then you probably wouldn't enjoy it so much. Just try and go with the flow and appreciate the bits that make it all worth while.....it gets way easier

edanto

I would say keep going with the work - especially since it fulfills you, but it's good to be conscious of the need for some detachment.

Even with that, though, you'll still feel sad when someone dies, that doesn't necessarily mean you're too involved, just that you're caring and empathic.

I think you should ask for some help from work though - the agency you're working for will probably have come across this hundreds of times and may be able to put you in touch with someone like a counsellor that you can talk to about it. Don't worry about it reflecting badly on you - from their point of view, they are looking for the most caring people that they can find and your reaction to this shows that you care deeply.

You're also mature enough to deal with this in the calm time before it may happen again, and the agency will probably respect that. So, my advice - talk to your manager, share experiences and see if they have someone that you can have a coffee with to talk about dealing with the emotions involved in caring for a stranger.

One thing that strikes me in what you've written is that you went to the hospital to visit the client during your free time. This is a bit unusual, but I can understand why you want to. You should explore your reasons for doing this and that'll help you make your decision about the visit next week.

All in all though, you sound like a great care assistant. I've done a bit of care work (like yourself, before travelling!) and it made such a difference to the lives of the patients when the staff genuinly cared and put them first.

ps I would also recommend watching plenty of Scrubs!! I'm thinking of one scene in particular where Cox explains to Turk the reason for the distance. Obvious differences in the ER vs long term care, but interesting in the context of ER care.

Dr. Cox: You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to the family that something went wrong during surgery and the patient died. He's going to tell them what happened, he's going to say he's sorry and then he's going back to work. You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today?
That is why we distance ourselves, that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun, we do it so we can get by...and sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing.

Crumble Froo

um... well, basically... first client's died (the one i went in to visit). initially i thought i was coping pretty well, more distant from it than anticipated, but had this smallest teeny tiny little run-in with a housemate just before work, got on the train, there by myself and i just broke down in tears. i know it's not the housemate thing. it just took something to let the emotion out. today i feel... detached. from most things. im abnormally quiet and antisocial (even by my standards, which aren't great), and i just feel down. i am NOT good with death. every time i hear of someone dying, it reminds me very very very strongly of someone who was extremely close to me and died an untimely death, which i will more than likely never get over.

basically... today... i just need a hug

ali.c

*Hug*

Duckjob

narco wrote:

hey all,
not entirely sure this is the right forum, but how and ever, im sure ill be redirected if it's not...

basically, im 19, im a care worker with the elderly, and i love my job. did a year's work experience as part of a college course, and have been working with an agency for over a year now. i didnt finish the college course, for personal reasons, but i do intend to go back at some point...

anyhow, in my first few months in the area, one of the men i was particularly fond of, died. i was quite upset. it was a lesson though, in not getting too attached, which is fair enough.

now, im after working very closely and very intensely with another man with a short timespan left. i grew very fond of him over a very short time, and when he suddenly turned a corner and became very very ill/weak, and was brought to hospital, seemingly on death's door, it knocked me for six. id had an exhausting (but rewarding) week working with him, and went home that evening and absolutely cried my eyes out. that was a couple of weeks ago, and im still finding it difficult to let go, or deal with.

i acknowledge that 1. i am not good with death, and that 2. death is inevitable, particularly in my line of work.

that said, i love my job and my work too much to quit because of that. really, what i want to know is if there are any tips people can offer to help myself deal with this, or any advice.

i remember my tutor in college telling us that it took him, i cant remember exactly , but it was 6 or 8 years or something til he could stop taking his work home with him, so to speak. maybe it's just a maturity thing, or a learning curve or something, but between physical and mental exhaustion, i was an absolute wreck after that client was brought to hospital, and figure that now, while im with a much more 'stable' client, i can begin to work on this, instead of waiting til im at crisis point.

any advice is welcome, thanks.

OP, never feel ashamed of your emotions - they're a credit to you. Once you can balance them with the practical needs of the job then I think you will be fine.

I've enormous respect for you and the work that you do. Truly one of the most difficult jobs of all.

Corkgirl21

I'm really sorry to hear that, hope you're ok. *hug*

narco wrote:

i am NOT good with death. every time i hear of someone dying, it reminds me very very very strongly of someone who was extremely close to me and died an untimely death, which i will more than likely never get over.

basically... today... i just need a hug

Maybe this is why the deaths of your clients affects you so deeply. If you haven't been able to come to terms with the death of someone very close to you it will come back to you all over again. I know you will never "get over" that person but sometimes we don't accept a death without even realising. A friend of mine died very suddenly of SADS about 2 years ago and months afterwards the realisation that I wouldn't see them still hit me every few days. I would even create these scenarios where it hadn't happened and what it would be like if I saw them walking down the street. When I hear of other people dying now it reminds me of how I felt at that time too and it is hard, it sounds like this is happening to you except a lot worse.

I went to a counsellor as I was really struggling with it and even though he was useless (was eating his lunch while I was talking and got my friends name wrong halfway through the session) it did help a bit just to talk.

I work in a hospital setting too and quite closely with patients as a physiotherapist so I know a little of how attached you can get to patients but it seems to me like this stems from the death of your close friend.Instead of focusing on distancing yourself, which sounds like it would be impossible in your job, maybe go back to dealing with the death of your friend and trying to accept it. That might mean going to a grief counsellor, reading grief and loss by kubler-ross as suggested etc.

Good luck!

red_ice

hi narco. My gf worked with a housing scheme plan based in elderly care. She was working there for 4-5 years and of course she saw he friends pass away (she was 24 mid career) and each time it happened it didnt get any easier. She did however learn ways of showing affection and friendship without getting attached to them, she couldnt explain it, but no matter what happens, you will always feel that horrible sting when someone you are caring for passes on.

Hope it gets easier for you somehow, you will find a way to cope with it. At least you can tell yourself you made someones life that bit happier before they passed on. Its a particularly lonley time in ones life, and your doing a very nice thing by being there.

dont beat yourself up over it, look at the good things you've done for that person and hold onto it, because thats what they will remember you by (if you know what i mean).