did he or didn't he?? sorry it's a long one!

LegacyUser · 24-08-2007 8:54am #1

hi i don't normaly do this but i don't know what to do i need some help.

myself and my bf have been living together for a few years now. I love him so much i couldn't be without him he really is my world but he have always had a rocky relationship. i don't know if we are going to get through it, we are on a waiting list to see a counsellor.

when we fight it can get kinda bad but when i make a good point that he can't argue with he breaks up with me and sleeps in the spare room. we get back together a week or so later when he calms down. but last night i went into the spare room i found a women ring on the floor (i don't wear any jewellery) he said it isn't his and he doesn't know where it came from. i had to walk away from him for a few mins and think logically, the only person in the room was him.

i'm a very fair person i don't jump to any concluesions i was honest and told him i don't know whats going on, he is a very good lier and i have caught him many times(not about cheating).

should i believe him? or is he not telling me the truth, did he have someone there while we were spilt up then should i be getting upset? cause we weren't going out!

i really don't know what to do? sometimes he treats me so badly should i put up with it???

HELP

Wibbs · 24-08-2007 10:09am

From what you're describing it's not a good relationship in other ways too. You are on a waiting list to see a counselor and he treats you "so badly" sometimes.

While I'm all for working on a relationship, sometimes it's not enough and you have to take the right decision and break up.

One sure sign of that is when one or other partner uses the line "i couldn't be without him/her, he/she really is my world". Major red flag. It shows both an unrealistic view of what love is and a lack of self sufficiency and self esteem. All of which will hamper any real chance of a happy life together, with them or anyone else in fact. You have to be a person on your own first, before you can practically hope to engage with someone else.

The ring on the floor is the least of your problems in many ways.

Dukephil · 24-08-2007 10:12am

Hi OP.
No-one here will be able to tell you whether your boyfriend cheated on you or not. They would be guessing. Has any woman ever slept in the spare room? A friend of yours perhaps? Even if the answer is no, you still will not be able to be sure. The danger is that the suspicion of infedility will do all the damage of an actual infedility. Do not bury this and let it explode in the next arguement. Ask him flat out, explain why it looks suspicious and depending on his answer, just go with your gut.

Good Luck.

muppetkiller · 24-08-2007 11:05am

Unreg101 wrote:

when we fight it can get kinda bad but when i make a good point that he can't argue with he breaks up with me and sleeps in the spare room.

Without sounding like a bitter male reader here...I'm very suspect when a woman says this line. Guys cannot win arguements with women, so they let them slide. (not saying that men are alway right either.)
But having said that we don't know the details of the arguement or your previous problems in this relationship . But it does sound like this relationship is not healthy for either party.

What's the situation with the house ? Do you guys own it or rent ?
Does he stay on the couch all week when you 'break up' ?
If it's your place and you break up ask him to leave. If you both own it then that has it's own set of problems. If it's his you move out...
Seems to me like he's sulking :rolleyes:

LegacyUser · 24-08-2007 11:45am

'

muppetkiller wrote:

Without sounding like a bitter male reader here...I'm very suspect when a woman says this line. Guys cannot win arguements with women, so they let them slide. (not saying that men are alway right either.)
But having said that we don't know the details of the arguement or your previous problems in this relationship . But it does sound like this relationship is not healthy for either party.

What's the situation with the house ? Do you guys own it or rent ?
Does he stay on the couch all week when you 'break up' ?
If it's your place and you break up ask him to leave. If you both own it then that has it's own set of problems. If it's his you move out...
Seems to me like he's sulking :rolleyes:

You do sound like a bitter male reader,
but did you even read what she wrote?
He sleeps in the SPARE ROOM not the couch and he isn't "letting the arguement slide". He's BREAKING UP with her and sleeping in the spare room.
If you read her post properly you'd see she's saying they actually do break up because she asking "SHOULD" she be getting upset if they weren't going out at the time.

That doesn't sound like letting it slide to me. That sounds like emotional blackmail. If he was really that angry and she was really that unreasonable and impossible to deal with and he was soooooo hard done by surely he'd go stay with a friend or family.

But what's the point in sulking if she's not there to see it eh?

To the OP I think you should break up with your boyfriend, anyone who acts like that when they can't admit their wrong or be bothered fighting for why they are right and just pulls the "I'm not playing with you anymore because I didn't get my way" line isn't worth the hassle.
If he didn't get off with someone else this time, he may well do it the next time ye break up.
Do you want to live like that?'

LegacyUser · 24-08-2007 11:55am

it's not about winning an arguement, i'm a very laid back fair person and when he is right i give him his dues and say sorry but some times i feel that when he doesn't like what he hears he loses it, is this a male thing?(and thats ment with no dis-respect)

you know when we are good we are very good but when we are bad we are bad, and i am fully aware it takes two to tango i have no problem taking my responsiblity for our problems aswell.

we both own the house and it does cause a big problem if we spilt but i'm more worried about the relationship then the house it's only money.

Wibbs · 24-08-2007 12:01pm

muppetkiller wrote:

Without sounding like a bitter male reader here...I'm very suspect when a woman says this line. Guys cannot win arguements with women, so they let them slide.

I second this. Been there. It's not so much winning an argument either. On the actual points of the argument either side may be correct, it's just that some women drag the whole thing so far off topic(especially if you've called them on something), it becomes pointless continuing the discussion, as it has descended into argument, point scoring and farce. Also you may try to enter into a discussion about an issue and it can rapidly escalate into some taking it as a personal attack and treating it as such, when it's not. They then fire off some point that you take as a cue and excuse to just back off, walk away and wait until they calm down. Half the time the point isn't arguable either. Not all do this thank god, but a lot do. In the same way that not all men are taciturn emotional retards either, but a lot can be. A real irritant for me is when some women expect you to be the latter description.

(not saying that men are alway right either.)

Ditto

Again to the OP I would say you need to look to your own issues and problems within the relationship first. Only then can you hope to address his or whether you're in the relationship for the right reasons and not the wrong. By some of your descriptions I would me more worried about that.

biko · 24-08-2007 12:05pm

If a couple keeps breaking up/getting back together it'll never lead anywhere. This is MY experience.

barryfitz · 24-08-2007 12:10pm

Unreg101 wrote:

i'm a very fair person i don't jump to any concluesions

Sounds to me like you do

Unreg101 wrote:

he is a very good lier and i have caught him many times

Then hes not a very good liar.

have you asked him straight out has he slept with anyone?

Fysh · 24-08-2007 12:35pm

As others have said, if disagreements between you persistently lead to rows which make him break up with you (as in, terminate the relationship completely) for a week until he puts his toys back in the pram and calms down, the least of your problems is the ring on the floor.

It sounds like the two of ye are used to living together and are staying together for fear of being alone. This is compounded by you even questioning whether it's cheating - if you genuinely accept that ye have broken up when this happens, then I suppose it's not and thus if he wanted to sleep around he could do. HOWEVER. You shouldn't be asking a bunch of people online what they think about this, you have to work out what you think.

Are you happy with the constant rowing? Can you live with the idea that ye regularly split up, with all the implications this has? Does this match up to what you want and expect of a relationship? Are you willing to put up with this kind of behaviour long-term? If your partner were to suddenly disappear from your life, would your life still be fulfilling? Would you be happy if you didn't know that he would be part of your life any more?

These are the kinds of questions you need to be asking yourself. Granted the relationship counselling may help you, but if you already know or are working out the answers to these questions it will make it easier for the counsellor to help you.

In the short term, is it viable for ye to live in separate flats? Sounds like you're driving each other mad through constant proximity.

LegacyUser · 24-08-2007 12:36pm

'yes i have asked him and he said no, i didn't make a big deal over this i just wanted the facts so i can by fair i haven't said to him that he DID sleep with someone i just explained how it might look.

In fairness to him this is my side of the story but i know he would talk to me about so what can i do, if he won't tell how can i fix it?'

muppetkiller · 24-08-2007 1:21pm

muppetsad wrote:

'
anyone who acts like that when they can't admit their wrong or be bothered fighting for why they are right and just pulls the "I'm not playing with you anymore because I didn't get my way" line isn't worth the hassle.

This line here is my point...your obviously a woman...what if the guy was right in the arguement ? There are no details here to suggest what the fight was about or who was right or wrong ? A good point to the OP might appear illogical to a guy..and visa versa.

Yet you're telling the OP to break up with her boyfriend based on a few vague one-sided paragraphs..?

For the record the OP comes across as being very level headed in her responses so I'm siding with her too. I think anyone male or female would be extremely upset if their ex slept with someone in the same house that you were living in (But we don't know if he did or not).
From reading your thread I really think one of you needs to move out if you want to give this relationship one more chance. Did you know each other much before you moved into together ?

I must say though his situation does sound suspect..but I remember wakin up one morning with a girls ring on my bedside locker. I must have found it on my way home as I didn't bring anyone home. (Yes drink was involved)
I'd be more worried if it was the back of an ear-ring.

Anyhoo that's my two cents..

LegacyUser · 24-08-2007 1:35pm

'

muppetkiller wrote:

I think anyone male or female would be extremely upset if their ex slept with someone in the same house that you were living in (But we don't know if he did or not).

thats the point i don't know if he did so i wouldn't accuse someone of doing something unless i know 100% I know miss understanding happen and they have happened to me so i can understand that, how do i try and fix this if he won't talk to me.

P.S. thank you everyone for your coments it means alot to me.'

LegacyUser · 24-08-2007 2:06pm

'

muppetkiller wrote:

There are no details here to suggest what the fight was about or who was right or wrong ?

So why are you just assuming she's an unreasonable woman who he is backing away from for the sake of a quiet life.

Your bitter little comments had nothing to do with the OP or her problem and neither did Wibbs' sanctimonious little rant for that matter.

You just have a chip on your shoulder.'

cowzerp · 24-08-2007 2:18pm

Get out now while you can. i say he cheated

muppetkiller · 24-08-2007 2:46pm

muppetsad wrote:

'

So why are you just assuming she's an unreasonable woman who he is backing away from for the sake of a quiet life.

Your bitter little comments had nothing to do with the OP or her problem and neither did Wibbs' sanctimonious little rant for that matter.

You just have a chip on your shoulder.'

I'm not ? far from it in fact . I'm backing her up, but their are many people who come on these boards to ranting about an arguements they have with their boyfriends/girlfriends who don't agree with them. Normally what happens is the can't see themselves being unreasonable and that their opinions are not always right.
Here this does not appear to be the case as the OP has come across very clearly and honestly in her posts.

I've sided with the OP and have stated that fact...you yourself on the otherhand are coming across as a very angry/bitter person with an obvious chip on your shoulder..but feel free to get the last word in if you wish.

Anyway back to the point ..I really don't know how two people sharing a house can still live together after breaking up( even if it's a trivial few days)...the tension alone would cause too many sleepless nights and guilt too.

The biggest question you need to ask yourself OP is do you really want to fix this ? If you can't communicate with your partner about this now it doesn't bode well for the future. From his actions he may be displaying the whole spoilt little brat antics and with you actually starting to pack up your things may give him the kick up the a$$ he needs. On the other hand why should you be the one to move out..

It could also work by leaving a note saying that "Seeing as you will not sit down and talk this through I'm going to a solicitor to discuss my options about the house". If you've had lots of arguements before maybe he thinks by avoiding you everything will return to normal in a few days. This cannot be the case in the future and he needs to know that he can lose you for good.

It's not a nice situation your in OP but I wish you luck.

Wibbs · 24-08-2007 4:41pm

Unreg101 wrote:

it's not about winning an arguement, i'm a very laid back fair person and when he is right i give him his dues and say sorry but some times i feel that when he doesn't like what he hears he loses it, is this a male thing?(and thats ment with no dis-respect)

It depends on what you mean by losing it really. If he gets all agressive then he's a sap. Pure and simple. If by losing it he stops the argument dead and walks off you could say it's more a male behaviour. It's not the best way and it is a generalisation, but I've even found myself doing it sometimes after something has been done to death. It depends on many factors. If the argument gets heated and emotional, often times the guy will back off so it doesn't spiral further. Again a generalisation, but women tend to want to get it all of their chest, may not be looking for instant solutions and the argument itself may be just to clear the air.

Maybe it's down to the different ways people deal with arguments with their own gender. Men dealing with other men tend to not get too overly emotional and are looking for immediate solutions to the problem at hand, even if it's only to avoid the issue. The other thing is that letting it all hang out between men has a far far greater chance of turning physical. While women can get physical with each other too, between men it's more likely and can be more dangerous. I've seen arguments between men and women where the women let it all out, that if the same argument had been between two men, fists might have flown.

you know when we are good we are very good but when we are bad we are bad, and i am fully aware it takes two to tango i have no problem taking my responsiblity for our problems aswell.

No I get that, you're not blaming him for everything, but the questions I would be asking, is why are you having so many fights, is there a long term solution to the reasons and is he likely to keep going off in a strop. If there aren't some solutions to these issues, then I would re think the whole relationship. IMHO I would rather a contented easy going relationship, than one that lurches manically from really good times to really bad. Sure it's exiting, but long term?

we both own the house and it does cause a big problem if we spilt but i'm more worried about the relationship then the house it's only money.

Fair play for that in one way as far too many would be thinking with their wallet in such a position. That said if you do both own the house and you can't sort these issues down the line, it is half your house and you would need to protect yourself should you split.

thats the point i don't know if he did so i wouldn't accuse someone of doing something unless i know 100% I know miss understanding happen and they have happened to me so i can understand that, how do i try and fix this if he won't talk to me.

Again fair play with the benefit of the doubt. It'll be hard to get a satisfactory answer if he does an all picture no sound if you bring it up. That worries me more than the ring TBH. Also if he is cheating he's a tad dumb to bring them to your house. Now there are a lot of dumb people out there so... You are going to have to address this stroppy non communicative first, before you bring up the ring. Bloody hard for you though as in order to do that he has to communicate. All you can really do is accept his explanation for now and work on the communication part, bit by bit. I don't envy you that work.

muppetsad wrote:

So why are you just assuming she's an unreasonable woman who he is backing away from for the sake of a quiet life.

He didn't. jumping to conclusions much? He said that men sometimes have difficulty with dealing with some women's methods of argument and could that be the problem. You're the one reading "unreasonable" woman into it. Ironic on a couple of levels too. Your username says more about your attitude on this than muppetkiller ever could.:rolleyes:

Your bitter little comments had nothing to do with the OP or her problem and neither did Wibbs' sanctimonious little rant for that matter.

Wrong. It could have had something to do with it. As the OP herself said(and fair play to her*), it takes two to tango. You getting defensive and automatically assuming that just because she's the same gender as you, the man must be in the wrong, is hardly insightful. Brilliant deductions altogether, Ms. Holmes.

cowzerp wrote:

Get out now while you can. i say he cheated

If the OP who is living with this person and can read him quite well, doesn't know this, how the hell can anyone here be so sure?

*The fact that she said that and other details she's coming up with, makes me far more likely to think she has a point in this case, regardless of her gender.

LegacyUser · 24-08-2007 6:52pm

if i can fix this i would but i think we all know by now that this can't be done with the two of us alone and we have BOTH decied that we need help withl everything but i end up saying nothing about alot of tthings as i don't want the fight and wait tilll we are in session.

when somethings start to get out of hand we say to each other can we deal with this in session. i think that is one of the diffrences between men and women but ONLY from a womens point, that i know when i'm talking about a problem i feel he is not listening and try and get me point across and SOME men don't want to get into it and close down and I feel left out in the cool abit. But THATS ONLY ME!!

i feel if i don't try everything to make this relationship i will regreat it and atlest i know there is nothing more i can do and i know it's just not ament to be then. does anyone else feel like this??

cowzerp · 24-08-2007 6:57pm

Unreg101 wrote:

i feel if i don't try everything to make this relationship i will regreat it and atlest i know there is nothing more i can do and i know it's just not ament to be then. does anyone else feel like this??

it takes 2 to make it-he sounds like a waste of space and bad for you, a counsellor will not be there every time you's argue-from the way you explain him i'd get out of it as it sounds like a waste of time and energy.

Marksie · 24-08-2007 7:20pm

Unreg101 wrote:

I love him so much i couldn't be without him he really is my world

Oh dear, It is never a good sign when i hear that, especially when its followed by

Unreg101 wrote:

have always had a rocky relationship

I agree with Wibbs on that. There is an imbalance. At the very least he knows this and can use it.

Unreg101 wrote:

i don't know if we are going to get through it, we are on a waiting list to see a counsellor.

You need to do something more than be on a list

Unreg101 wrote:

when we fight it can get kinda bad but when i make a good point that he can't argue with he breaks up with me and sleeps in the spare room. .

Childish. But i guess there is two in an argument and we dont quite know what your good point is, and how you pursue it. Seems like point scoring rather than issue resolution

Unreg101 wrote:

we get back together a week or so later when he calms down. .

Of course, he knows you will
You are facilitating his behviour, thats why you two aren't getting anywhere

Unreg101 wrote:

but last night i went into the spare room i found a women ring on the floor (i don't wear any jewellery) he said it isn't his and he doesn't know where it came from. i had to walk away from him for a few mins and think logically, the only person in the room was him..

Well unless he is crossdressing it wouldn't be his.
A couple of points i would like clarified, how long has he been sleeping in teh spare room this time?
abnd where are you when he is sleeping in teh spare room.
In effect, what opportunity has he had to sneak someone in the room or have somene there when you are not.

Unreg101 wrote:

i'm a very fair person i don't jump to any concluesions i was honest and told him i don't know whats going on, he is a very good lier and i have caught him many times(not about cheating). ..

No he isn't. It is juts another example of poor communication

Unreg101 wrote:

should i believe him? or is he not telling me the truth, did he have someone there while we were spilt up then should i be getting upset? cause we weren't going out!..

Your relationship is all about high drama and splitting up and reforming. It seems to be the functioning base of the whole thing.
I actually think its immaterial if he did anything or not. Its just another episode in the ongoing saga.

Unreg101 wrote:

i really don't know what to do? sometimes he treats me so badly should i put up with it???

HELP

There are two of you in this i suspect. At the least you are facilitating his behaviour.
Basically you two have a functional dysfunctional relationship.

LegacyUser · 24-08-2007 9:28pm

Marksie wrote:

Childish. But i guess there is two in an argument and we dont quite know what your good point is, and how you pursue it. Seems like point scoring rather than issue resolution

Your relationship is all about high drama and splitting up and reforming. It seems to be the functioning base of the whole thing.
I actually think its immaterial if he did anything or not. Its just another episode in the ongoing saga.

There are two of you in this i suspect. At the least you are facilitating his behaviour.
Basically you two have a functional dysfunctional relationship.

i don't want to come arcoss rude but i have said some of the things you have pointed out and there is no dout that it takes two to tango i am taking my side of all of this.
i have tried to communicate in many diffrent ways talking, texting, e-mail writting letters exlaining myself what i feel what i see, i am understanding to what he says when he says something but it is very rare, i give him his space when he wants it, can you advise on another mathod of communicating.

to think it is immaterial if he slept with someone in our own home isn't very helpful as he would have had every chance to while i was working.

i am very aware of our problems which is why i am seeking help from anyone who can give it, give me advise to help us.

Marksie · 24-08-2007 10:49pm

Unreg101 wrote:

i have tried to communicate in many diffrent ways talking, texting, e-mail writting letters exlaining myself what i feel what i see, i am understanding to what he says when he says something but it is very rare, i give him his space when he wants it, can you advise on another mathod of communicating.

You will not get effective response until you stop accepting the measn to which he is controlonig you. Breaking up back on, breaking up, back on.

Unreg101 wrote:

to think it is immaterial if he slept with someone in our own home isn't very helpful as he would have had every chance to while i was working..

So he is at home all day?

My point may have been badly explained. If you accept this behaviour and continue with this attitude. Then it really is immaterial what went on as it occurs within the context of the realtionship as a whole. This constant breakup/back together. Excuses made or expected. I strongly suspect that even if he did have someone else around then you would find a reason to justify it. Even the spurious one of "well we were broken up at the time"

Unreg101 wrote:

i am very aware of our problems which is why i am seeking help from anyone who can give it, give me advise to help us.

Advice? would you take it?.

If we say leave him then will your answer be:
"I love him so much i couldn't be without him he really is my world". ?

If we say push for counselling and go now: would he take it? While it is still "on the waiting list" then it suits, i woud be interested what would happen if it does actually get near the stage of actually seeing the counsellor.

If we say next time he breaks up ask him to leave or put the house on the market would you do it?. Would you demand the house be on the market and leave yourself?
That would mean breaking a long established pattern, demonstrating that you have had enough of his behaviour.
Would you be strong enough to do that?. If you, as you claim, have communicated in every other fashion to no avail then a direct ultimatum with the full intention behind it may be the only means.

Sometimes people in relationship, unconsciously or consciously overlook the glaringly obvious. Hiding behind the belief that the other person loves them as much as they believe they love the other person.
Thats projecting or wishful thinking, rose tinted spectacles or any other host of names that is being put to it.

There is a saying "do it once, shame on you, do it twice shame on me"
Stand up for yourself.

SarahSassy · 25-08-2007 1:38am

Unreg101 wrote:

when we fight it can get kinda bad but when i make a good point that he can't argue with he breaks up with me and sleeps in the spare room. we get back together a week or so later when he calms down.

Sounds like this ring is the least of your problems.... You fight a lot, he breaks up with you for a while and then when it suits him he deigns to get back with you and you take it??????? Why are you letting him treat you like a muppet. If he treats you like this he can only have little or no respect for you.... Affairs happen when the love and respect are gone and its not looking good in your relationship.

Why are you torturing yourself by staying in a relationship like this???

did he or didn't he?? sorry it's a long one!

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