Relationships / Past / Advice needed

LegacyUser

Hi Guys

I was just looking for some advice. I was sexually abused, and was wondering if anyone who had similar experiences had any advice on how to have a normal relationship, both with how to get close to a man in the first place, or how to have a decent sexual relationship when that happens.

I am really got good at it. I never seem to meet guys. The ones I like never like me back, I have problems getting to know them. I think I may have some defence mechanism thing in place that i dont' know about that puts them off. I have problems sexually. When I am with someone, most of the time even though I am enjoying it, I end up somehow freaking out, and kinda switching off, and won't let them near me. I like to be held then and feel safe, but they always want more than that. Everyone I'm ever with usually ends up being a plonker, so I think I may have a bad sense of judgement. I just want a normal loving relationship that I feel safe in. I tell myself that when the time comes and I am with the right person it will be ok, but I don't think I'll ever get to that stage with the right person. I don't think the right person would even want me. I'm not sure what the best thing to is. I've tried counselling a couple of times and it's really not for me...

Foxykitty

hi i have been through the same thing you know there are more people out there who have this problem, more then you think!
i found that i went the other way for awhile i didn't have sex untill i was alot older and then when i did i couldn't stop but i meet my bf and he is the only one i have had a sexual relationship with for years now.

It is finding yourself and beening comfortable with your own skin and knowing that the person your with isn't being nasty to you they don't want to use you. comfortable saying NO when you want to, you have the answers there but you just can't see them yet i promise it will all work out.

have faith open up to people and try and trust them

randomname2005

survivor wrote:

I've tried counselling a couple of times and it's really not for me...

Hi Survivor, when you say that you tried counselling a couple of times - was it with different counsellors? In my experience, different people click with different cousellors and if you can find one you click with it can make all the difference.

Hopefully you will find some guy that will understand what you are going through and let you feel safe until such a time that you want to take things further.
R

Petey2006

Hi OP. Sorry to hear about what you went through, it really is terrible. Thankfully, I've never gone through something similar, but I did go out with a girl who was sexually abused as a child. We had our fair share of problems in the relationship as a result of her experiences, but we managed to get through them with a bit of work. I couldn't always help her because I didn't know what to say or do. All I could do really was listen to her and offer her a shoulder whenever she needed it.Try and be as understanding as I could. She went to counselling a number of times. Most of the counsellors didn't work out. But she did find one counsellor who helped her quite a bit. It's a matter of finding someone who's experienced with people dealing with similar experiences. They can be of great benefit to you. I hope you find a way through this and I wish you the best of luck

ShowUsYourXbox

Reality check.. you need real help, not the internet.

Speak to your friends/family or see a different therapist. Sorry about all the dodgey **** that's happened to you etc.

LegacyUser

'

randomname2005 wrote:

Hi Survivor, when you say that you tried counselling a couple of times - was it with different counsellors? In R

Hi.

Yes, I've tried about three different counsellors overall. What I found to be my problem is that I'm not the type who's going to walk in and just start talking. I need to be probed, and made to open up. That's what I want. My previous counsellors, esp. the last one, were no good at this. I agree that it is about finding one you connect with, but it takes a lot of work to get to this stage, and it takes a lot out of you, and if it doesn't work after the work you've put in, it's very hard, so I'm sure I might go back to it eventually but I'm just not ready yet..'

Foxykitty wrote:

hi i have been through the same thing you know there are more people out there who have this problem, more then you think!
i found that i went the other way for awhile i didn't have sex untill i was alot older and then when i did i couldn't stop but i meet my bf and he is the only one i have had a sexual relationship with for years now.

It is finding yourself and beening comfortable with your own skin and knowing that the person your with isn't being nasty to you they don't want to use you. comfortable saying NO when you want to, you have the answers there but you just can't see them yet i promise it will all work out.

have faith open up to people and try and trust them

Hi Foxy.

Thank you for your reply. It's good to hear from someone who's also been through similar, but made it through in regards to what I'm talking to. I guess it is all about giving it time. It's very frustrating though. and it is hard, as i'm sure you know. thx hunny for your advice. ty

ShowUsYourXbox wrote:

Reality check.. you need real help, not the internet.

Speak to your friends/family or see a different therapist. Sorry about all the dodgey **** that's happened to you etc.

Hi Show

Thank you for your response!It was most helpful!

Just out of couriousity, what 'real help' do you suggest I get? I mean, I've already stated at the start that what I was looking for was someone who'd had similar experiences for advice. What on earth makes you think that my family, friends or indeed a different therapist, have also been sexually abused, and have difficulties with sex and intimacy, oh sure i'll just go round asking them all what they think for the craic. i think not! thanks anyway.l

Petey2006 wrote:

but I did go out with a girl who was sexually abused as a child. We had our fair share of problems in the relationship as a result of her experiences, but we managed to get through them with a bit of work. I couldn't always help her because I didn't know what to say or do. All I could do really was listen to her and offer her a shoulder whenever she needed it.Try and be as understanding as I could. I hope you find a way through this and I wish you the best of luck

Hi Petey.

Thank you for your response. It's nice to hear from you and realise that there are people like you in the world

Thank you,

LegacyUser

'going un-reg for this, but i can completely feel for you, OP. i went through some difficult times when i did start seeing guys after all the sh!t in my past, but it took until i found my current boyfriend of a few years now until i could feel comfortable, or, to rephrase, until i had a 'healthy' attitude to sex.

initially i was very timid/uncomfortable, defence mechanisms everywhere... that lasted a couple of years, and then i went through a bit of a bad patch, and spent most of my time getting drunk and sleeping around and all that dumb sh!t.

as a side effect of the abuse, i spent a good many years suffering from eating disorders. it was through that fact that i met my boyfriend, who had been down a similar road himself. we talked loads via PMs and emails, and through that medium, i was not only able to begin to sort out my head and my own thoughts, but also to share what was in there, the fears, the hopes, the insecurities, concerns... and he understood, and was there and he was open with me, and we built up this big trust. it was a relatively long time before we met up in person, but when we did, he was the perfect gentleman. everything from offering me a no obligation choice between the spare room and his room when i first got to his place, to halting advances in the bedroom to make sure that that was definitely what i wanted!

i think most importantly, you need to be able to sort your own head out... whether that is done through professional counselling, group therapy, journals, or whatever. until you know what's going on in your own head, you wont be able to take action to accept/counteract/work on the way it makes you behave.

personally, i believe it took until i found my soulmate until i could have a proper sexual relationship.. i think at best you have to find someone who is willing to give you the time you need and shoulder to cry on to sort yourself out. it's possible to say even that you should possibly avoid sex for the forseeable future until you have your head sorted a bit... i know it only really served to mess me up in the long run when i did feel uncertain but that's how i felt... mightnt be the worst thing to consider anyway...'

smiley666

You can’t have a healthy relationship with a guy until you have dealt with the sexual abuse.

Granted, it’s something you will never forget but with a little help and the right frame of mind you can live a happy life and not allow it to have a negative influence on your future.

Counselling isn’t for everyone. Look into self help. There are many forums on the internet set up specifically for people who have had the same experiences as yourself. Google them and try joining one. Members of these forums will understand where you are coming from, they will have the same fears and feelings as yourself.

As for not meeting the right kind of guys, maybe you’ve been looking for them in all the wrong places. Try joining an evening class or a new sport. Go for one that would be predominately male orientated. Take a girlfriend with you if going on your own would make you feel uncomfortable. Make friends with the guys you meet there. Friends only though. Learn to trust men and appreciate the friendship of them before you look for a sexual relationship with them.

As you’ve said, counsellors didn’t work for you. Please join one of the many forums out there. Join them all if you have to. Until you have come to terms in your head with the abuse you’ll never be truly happy. Those memories will show up like unwanted visitors when you least expect or want them. They will affect everything you do, not just with men or in relationships. But they don’t have to. Your past will only hurt you as long as you allow it to. A person once said that to me and it’s so very true. It is possible to leave that pain behind you but it does take a lot of time and effort, most of all from yourself.

milkerman

Hi,
There are some cuts that never heal. This is a sad but true reality. The hurts you carry from being abused will screw up you life if you let them. There is no handy prescription remedy to your problem. Counselling, support groups, friends are the usual way to try and move on. You say counselling is not for you - I say please try all the therapies offered to you. You cannot afford to do nothing and waste the rest of your life being alone & miserable.
You have to keep trying.
You might also tell your bf what happened to you. Some of us men do listen and might even help you.
Best Wishes

Miss Fluff

You poor thing OP. Thankfully I have never experienced it but I know plenty who have and you can't let your abuser win and ruin the rest of your life. One in Four are supposed to be good and deal specifically with sexual abuse as opposed to a generic counsellor. Go and make an appointment. I really hope you get through this OP, you deserve to enjoy a fulfilled loving relationship like everyone else. Here's the link http://www.oneinfour.org/