Keep imagining girlfriend with other guys in the past

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

basically I keep imagining my girlfriend being with guys before we were going out and it really gets me down sometimes or ends with us fighting. I know this isn't fair but I can't seem to help it as I know a few guys she's been with(only one of which she's slept with). I just feel sick sometimes when I think of it and I know I shouldn't 'cause her past is her business.

It's all fairly stupid but I'd appreciate any advice to stop me thinking these things.

Thanks in advance.

Oryx

What about your history, do you have other people youve slept with? If you do, is it an issue? (Id imagine not?) So why should your gfs past be a problem? Its over and done.

You are with this girl now. You. Theres no one else in the room. Every time you start to think about it, recognise it and stop that train of thought. Think of something else, or cuddle her and remind yourself that shes with you now, youre her choice, top of the heap.

Drift

KtK wrote:

shes with you now, youre her choice, top of the heap.

QFT


From what I've seen its quite a common problem guys have, especially in their "early" relationships and also if they perceive their gf as being more experienced than them. Speaking from experience its even harder when you know the guy(s) in question. I don't have any magic solution though OP, you just get over it after a while. I think KtK's advice is good though, she ditched them and picked you - you're obviously better!

Ruu_Old

Realise how good you have it now, she is yours as mentioned. Keep up with these issues and you might lose her, think of that. Good luck.

easyontheeye

come on man your lucky she even fights back on this subject, if i was in her position i wouldnt even entertain an argument and walk. you have to try and curb that attitude, i dont know how old you are but the older you get the more of a past a girl will have, remember that.

like what is it that exactly bothers you? is it the thought of anther lad sleeping with your girl OR do you think its something personal against one of the lads she was with that you dont like?

faceman

Some good advice offered here already so i wont repeat it.

This is probably goin to sound like weird advice, but go watch the movie "Chasing Amy". Ok its different circumstances but the main male character (played by ben affleck) cant stop thinkin about his GF's ex partners.

Dudess

Yep, I advised the same thing (to watch Chasing Amy). And another poster also advised someone else recently.

dr.bollocko

Yeah there really is absolutely no need to rent schlocky and derivative Kevin Smith movies in order to sort out your love life.
Your girlfriend was definitely with other guys before you.
Some of them were probably better in bed than you.
But she is with you now and you are lucky to have her.

So get over it.
(There is no need to rent get over it, just get over it)

faceman

dr.bollocko wrote:

So get over it.
(There is no need to rent get over it, just get over it)

its that easy?

LegacyUser

as drift says..common problem in early relationships...but you will lose that feeling...just try and not let it ruin what youve got now.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it (although I thought that comment telling me to just get over it wasn't too helpful, that's like telling someone to cheer up when they're unhappy!) but unfortunately I've tried nearly everything you've said (thinking she chose me etc) but I can't seem to relax. I'm with her over a year and a half and I too thought it'd get easier but it hasn't. It's not that bad, I mean I don't think about it all the time.

Personally, I think I'm just insecure and am a worrier anyway(I worry too much about everything). I even worry about things you guys said like girls having more of a history when they get older. Sorry for ranting.'

Rogueish

Look, we all have a past. My OH has had many more partners than I have had, which I realise and honestly I just put it down to him honing his technique(s) which I am benefitting from now:D . He has decided that I am worth sticking with (he proposed last year), so what do I have to worry about. Fair enough if I had known him while he was going through his 'purple patch' I probably wouldn't be with him now. But that is another story altogether.

He knows my past relationship and sexual history (not much to write home about). He actually knows most of the guy I went out with before I went out with him (two of them we work with on and off) and bottom line is that he is SECURE in his relationship with me and I with him.

Thats what you really have to examine, why are you insecure about your partner? The past is always past and the future is of your making. So why are you so insecure about your future insofar as you are fixating on her past?

6564516

6564516 wrote:

Hi guys,

basically I keep imagining my girlfriend being with guys before we were going out and it really gets me down sometimes or ends with us fighting. I know this isn't fair but I can't seem to help it as I know a few guys she's been with(only one of which she's slept with). I just feel sick sometimes when I think of it and I know I shouldn't 'cause her past is her business.

It's all fairly stupid but I'd appreciate any advice to stop me thinking these things.

Thanks in advance.

This isnt uncommon, dont worry you just have to stop thinking about it, and you will eventually

dlofnep

Kevin Smith made a movie which covers this, it's called "Chasing Amy". I suggest you give it a watch.

LegacyUser

'Thanks Eniarah, makes me feel some bit better and not so much of a fool. I saw Chasing Amy a good while ago but I must watch it again since so many people keep recommending. I won't mind anyway 'cause I'm a fan of Kevin Smith.'

dr.bollocko

Oh come on. Are you seriously telling someone with a genuine issue to go and watch some movie to help him sort it out? And not even that, and I dont want to go off-topic, but seriously,a kevin smith movie?
I mean the guy is a great director, and if you are looking for a new line in jokes about dicks, farting or donkey shows, watch away to your hearts content. But his directorial ability does not stretch to frame a realistic relationship in any way whatsoever and that, aside from any other problems I have with people telling people to watch a movie to help them with their life issues, is why you just should not be giving out advice like that.
It doesnt even mean anything. What are you recommending? That he attempts to have a threesome with his bisexual housemate and his girlfriend? Where was the closure in that movie to help the OP?
OP, I apologise if I sounded harsh over there, but I really thought that u needed a bit of a kick in the pants. I dont think that there is nice, wishy-washy way to get over your problem, which I am certain is a horrible one for you.
When you are picturing something like this, it spreads like a cancerous ulcer. Its in your head, you start to resent her, etc. then u might see a picture of an old boyf and explode on her for no reason.
The problem in this equation is not that your girlfriend was with other guys. Its not her fault. And if you cant accept that, and you genuinely cant, dont torture yourself, dump her and find a virgin if thats what you really need to be happy. But at least spend a while trying to let go of it. Just be angry at yourself for going there. You have recognised the problem. This problem is with you. Thats a hard first leap to take. Now you have to fix the problem.
But this constant over-analysis about her past conquests wont serve any positive purpose at all. It will keep eating away at you until you realise the same truth that everyone has already told you.

trinnernurse

A friend once told me that [bold]an ex is an ex for a reason[/bold], like most have said she's with you now, you say a year and a half... she's obviously happy with you. Worrying about ex's never does anybody any good... It just makes one feel more insecure, eventually pulling people apart.
Just try to appreciate that she's with you and let your mind wander to the times you've spent with her rather than her history! :P
Dirty lol
I hope you sort things out for yourself!

LegacyUser

I just want to add my piece here. My boyfriend had the same issues with me, always bringing up my past, name calling, the works and I put up with it for 2 years. Then I realised that I am worth more than his judgement and stopped myself loving him. I was pushed too far. So my advise is, if you want to keep your GF, apologies to her for your reactions because the past is the past and you don't know how she was feeling back then, why she did the things that annoy you now. I know if I could have taken everything back, all my past experiences I would have for him because I adored him, but I couldn't. I was honest, I answered all questions, I loved him but I no longer do. Your choice. And rem, she is the girl you love today because of her past.

SarahSassy

You dont sounds mature enough to have having an adult relationship with someone who has a 'past'.

Todate, your gf has been patient with you and your insecurities. I would give you one and maybe 2 chances on this and then I would tell you where to go. She should not be made to feel uncomfortable / guilty about her past. You need to let it go if you want this relationship to be a success.

niavie

I used to be like that about me ex... hed had a few partners but he was my first...honestly i think you need to grow up a little and move away from her past...it is hard but anytime the thoughts pop into your head just think this girl is with me...what am i thinking....she doesnt want to be with anyone else, what am i thinking?? thats my 2c anyway..

Marksie

As a lot of other posters have said where she is now is not where she was then.

You have touched on it yourself but you have to really look at yourself an see where this issues is stemming from. You are entirely correct it in that it is yourself that it the cause of it.
What you have to do is see where this jealousy is coming from, performance issues, personal inseciruties, frightened she is comparing.

This is the telling statement:

"Personally, I think I'm just insecure and am a worrier anyway(I worry too much about everything). I even worry about things you guys said like girls having more of a history when they get older. Sorry for ranting.'"

2323 has given a very good outline of what is likely to happen.

This is standing in the way of you developing a truly intimate realtionship.

Obvioulsy as you have said all the advvice the posters have been saying hasn't worked.

Then take a different approach: Leave your g/friend out of the equation as such, the next time a feeling arises, examine where it has come from within yourself

scoobydoo2

6564516 wrote:

Hi guys,

basically I keep imagining my girlfriend being with guys before we were going out and it really gets me down sometimes or ends with us fighting. I know this isn't fair but I can't seem to help it as I know a few guys she's been with(only one of which she's slept with). I just feel sick sometimes when I think of it and I know I shouldn't 'cause her past is her business.

It's all fairly stupid but I'd appreciate any advice to stop me thinking these things.

Thanks in advance.

Here's an idea instead of fighting with her over her past, buy her some flowers, take her out for a meal, try something different in the bedroom. This would give you a lot more pleasure and a happier relationship, and maby even set you apart from some of those guys you can't stop thinking about. We all have a past so its gonna be the same with whoever you go out with. Focus on making her happy rather than miserable..

LegacyUser

'In the exact same position as you OP have brought this issue up a few times with my girlfriend, when ever she mentions ex's my head goes into overdrive find it extremely hard not to be anything but jealous.'

LegacyUser

The thing is there isn't really much fighting about it. Just once or twice. That's not my problem, my problem is I want to stop thinking about it over and over in my head. I appreciate all the advice you guys have given me and I think the only way now is try to convince myself that she obviously is happy with me etc and just give it time.

-Leelo-

6564516 wrote:

Hi guys,

basically I keep imagining my girlfriend being with guys before we were going out and it really gets me down sometimes or ends with us fighting. I know this isn't fair but I can't seem to help it as I know a few guys she's been with(only one of which she's slept with). I just feel sick sometimes when I think of it and I know I shouldn't 'cause her past is her business.

It's all fairly stupid but I'd appreciate any advice to stop me thinking these things.

Thanks in advance.

I know exactly what its like cos I was the same for a long time, kept picturing my boyfriend being with other girls before me and it used to make me feel physically sick. I used to keep bringin it up with him hoping he would re-assure me, but instead it always ended in arguments. In the end I just had to learn to bite my tongue, and after a while as the relationship progressed I thought about it less and less and now it doesnt bother me in the slightest.
Probably feels like it's gonna bug the crap out of you forever, but take it from me, It'll soon pass.

D:

My girlfriend is my best mates ex-girlfriend, he doesn't give a ****, nor do i.

Forget about it and move on.

randomname2005

Get over it! I know it sounds easy, but as previous posters have said, you are the one she has chosen to be with. If you are both interested in having a relationship rather than just a sexual fling, then the fact that you have not mastered every position in the karma sutra should not be a problem. Yes, sex is important, but you being you is equally important if not more so.

(And this is coming from a guy whos girlfriend is more experience than he is, so I do understand where you are coming from OP).

juanveron45

If you dont sort this out thinking of your girlfriends sexual past with other guys will be changed to thinking of your ex-girlfriends sexual prsent and future with other guys. get me

Dudess

The reason why I recommended that scene in Chasing Amy is because Holden (the guy who's freaked out about his girlfriend's promiscuous past) actually gets really good advice from Silent Bob - really, really good advice. So what if it's a movie? And the advice basically outlines how he's making a big mistake thinking this way - AND that he's being very unreasonable. AND that he will regret it if he doesn't deal with it.

So OP, do watch that scene. And also, you need to train yourself to stop being so insecure. You really have to make yourself move on. Moving on is something we all have to train ourselves to do - in a variety of situations.

Bluebells

No matter what everyone tells you, I doubt it will make you 'get over it' any faster. Jelousy is a real problem, its like it takes hold of you and you cant stop that horrible feeling.

As long as you remember that its in YOUR head and not reality, so you dont take it out on her and end up pushing her away.

If she loves you and your in a commited relationship you should be able to deal with it together. Tell her how you feel, your feelings can never be wrong. Just be calm and make it very clear she's done nothing wrong, but just that you could do with some support.

When you feel it coming over you, write down what made you feel that way (time, place, person etc). This will help build a pattern to help you understand it. Writing is also a great way to vent.

Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

'That's exactly how I feel Leelo and I'm actually feeling better about the situation since I brought it up here. Thanks for reassuring me.

A lot of you seem to have decided that I worry about her being more experienced. I am far more experienced, that's not the problem. I don't really know what is but anyway I'm starting to cop on about things and convince myself that I shouldn't be worrying about the past.'

Dudess

424782 wrote:

I am far more experienced

Oh so one rule for you, another for her?! Whether it's about experience or not, you've been with a lot of women and you're freaked out about her being with men.
It's time to remove the kid gloves: you're being exceptionally unreasonable.

LegacyUser

'No, not one rule for me and another for her! You don't seem to realise I don't want to think these things and that I know it's my fault. I'd just stop right now if it was that easy but it's not so do me a favour and actually read and think before you leave another "helpful" comment!'