falling for girl who's emigrating in 2 months...opinions?

LegacyUser

OK, so here's the deal. I'm 29 and up to now have had one serious serious relationship, 5 year thing aged 18-23, first love and all that. The way it ended, like most long term things, was tough and I think it's fair to say I got hurt quite badly the way it all ended back then, even though I hadn't been 100% happy in that relationship and had initiated the breakup to a small extent (by asking for a "break"). Looking back now I am glad that it did end and is over but since then I have been pretty cautious and choosy about who i go out with

So anyway, the past 5 or 6 years, I have travelled quite a bit, met and "dated" a few women, one 3 years back i thought could have been "the one" given time but it was wrong time, wrong place and i myself was emigrating at the time. Basically the longest relationship I've had since the first one had been 4 months and I finished that cos I couldn't see myself marrying her/ no magic etc

so that brings me to my current situation: at the end of June I ended up meeting a girl I had vaguely known through a previous work place socially for the first time. We clicked straight away and the following night at a night out ended up kissing, I went back to hers, it was innocent enough, not much happened but I had a really good time

I was away for a week after that but when I got back rang and asked her out and she seemed fairly enthusiastic. Now since then we have gone out a good few times, getting on really well but the most it would get to would be a kiss at the end of the night. Other nights we'd ring each other, have the chat and a laugh, all good relationship type stuff.

Things came to a head this week though, she's been travelling around Europe the past 2 weeks, she had said to me had I any days off this particular week cos she was travelling on her own, as it happened i did so I joined her in France for 3 days. Again we hung out spent the whole 3 days together getting on really well but on day 2 she initiates a serious chat along the lines of:

a) she is moving back home to Australia in late October and therefore
b) she thinks it's a bad idea for this relationship to go any further/deeper or whatever

she also mentioned that
c) she had been the one that was "left behind" (as I would be) in a previous relationship and she didn't want to be the person that does that to me

I mean I can see her point but I am so frustrated with all of this. I mean yesterday when i left for the airport to come back to Dublin and leaving her in france for a few more days I felt so empty and hollow and I know that would be 10 times worse if we see each other constantly for 2 more months and then she emigrates

At moment I think she wants to cut off all ties more or less, or "be mates" to avoid future hurt but I am thinking I can't just walk away from this right now, even though it may well be destined for heartache/heartbreak or painful distance separation. I mean how often do I meet someone I want to spend time with/ can see a future with? answer, not often
Also, there is the possibility that by going out for the next 2 months we realise that we're not good together (but she didn't think that is likely, which is kind of nice, but again frustrating)

sorry for the long post but any opinions/advice? I do know I am prone to get quite attached. by the way, the potential for me to move to Australia is there but fairly limited and would not be forever

SarahSassy

Sounds like you are setting yourself up for a fall here. I think its time to let your head rule your heart. If you feel that you will be able to cope with her leaving in 2 months time then by all means keep seeing here but it doesnt sound like you can.

You should distance yourself and move on with your life. You are aware that you may not get on together and considering moving to Oz is far fetched at this stage as

(1) you barely know each other and
(2) she didnt ask you to go with her

Do yourself a favour and do your best to move on. It will mean short term pain but will be easier in the long run.

dlofnep

Forget it man. Not worth the hassle.

Agent Smith

bail dude, she sounds great, but if she's going, she's going...

dazberry

Its easy to get caught up in the emotion of it all, and as someone who once did and was subsequently left behind - I think you should walk away. I wish I had, "but I was young and foolish".

D.

muletide

As someone wiser than us once said. Its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

Talliesin

It has no long-term future. That could change, but there's no point pinning any hopes on that happening.

To the extent that you can just have fun with her, do. To the extent that you can't, stay out.

LegacyUser

'OP here again, thanks for all the replies

I must say, am a bit taken aback by the fact that they are all along the cautious "let the head rule and not the heart" variety. I presumed it would be like when someone posts (approx once a week!) "Should I call her?" or something along those lines and everyone replies "go for it, life's too short!" etc

I know I would be setting myself up for a fall etc but right now she is the one I want to be with basically all the time. As it stands we are both "thinking about it" though I feel she has made her mind up

she arrives back tomorrow, my current thinking is to meet her at the airport (surprise her...yes, possibly a bad idea and could backfire but we'll see) and tell her I want to give it a go. Tell her life's too short and I don't want to end up wondering what might have been, if it doesn't work out in the next 2 months that's fine, if it does then we'll have to work something out

as I mentioned there is a possibility I could move over there for about 4 months after Christmas but I'd need to move back to Ireland for career reasons after that - I also haven't said this to her (that I could potentially move over for 4 months). At this point I wouldn't be expecting her to ask me to move over or anything, still early days, and moving does put extra pressure on any relationship.

further aside: I had actually been thinking about spending this time in Australia even before I met her, have already lived there for over a year, just wondering why I didn't mention this to her the other day

anyway, thanks for the advice!'

Manic Moran

Do you want to move to Australia?

If yes, then start the visa paperwork and stay with her.

If not, then accept that it's going to end, and just enjoy the time you have for what it is.

(I say that as someone who left my GF of five years in Ireland when I went to the US, though in that case I couldn't get her in on a visa.)

NTM

confuzed

yup..it's time to move on..

she is not only moving to aus. but also she told u that she has someone left there...
it seems to me that she had made her mind what sort of relations it would be, before hanging with u... but u went 2 her with open heart and fell in emotions...
but Emotions have no values and be easy with u.. find some other girl.

SarahSassy

veryconfuzzled wrote:

'I must say, am a bit taken aback by the fact that they are all along the cautious "let the head rule and not the heart" variety.
'

You are taken aback because you are not hearing what you want to hear. Its a different story telling someone to make a call than to tell someone to persue a relationship with someone who is moving home to Oz. You posted here for some advice / perspective and people have taken time to reply to you.

You sound like you have made up your mind already - now put your suggestions to her and see what she thinks. A frank discussion is called for here.

LegacyUser

Hollywood has made a career over this type of scenario.

I think the op is going to try give it a go regardless of what we say and I think in his predicament I would too, as would alot of you. It's easy to comment from the outside.

Meeting this type of person is like an addiction, as long as she's in Ireland you'll be consumed by her so why not give it a go for the time you have. I would'nt take the relationship any further but the feelings will become deeper no doubt.

Obviously the pain of her leaving in 2 months will be worse after spending the 2 months with her than it would be if you cut off tie now but tomorrow is tomorrow.

\prepares for ridicule!

biko

Go out with her as long as she is here and take the heart break when she leaves. 2 months is better than nothing.

Chinafoot

veryconfuzzled wrote:

a) she is moving back home to Australia in late October and therefore
b) she thinks it's a bad idea for this relationship to go any further/deeper or whatever

she also mentioned that
c) she had been the one that was "left behind" (as I would be) in a previous relationship and she didn't want to be the person that does that to me

Respect her decision tbh.

Remember that you ended your 4 month relationship because you couldn't see a future in it. Well chances are this girl can't see a future with you given the situation. She pretty much laid it out for you and, while it sucks, you should accept it.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote:

You are taken aback because you are not hearing what you want to hear. You posted here for some advice / perspective and people have taken time to reply to you.

You sound like you have made up your mind already - now put your suggestions to her and see what she thinks. A frank discussion is called for here.

thanks Sarah, what I meant is that I was taken aback because, as I posted originally, I presumed that ALL the responses/advice would be to go for it and that life is too short and maybe I was looking for people to give me some cold light of day advice such as has been given because, as I mentioned, I felt pretty bad earlier this week leaving her just for a few days and am quite worried about how I would handle the situation of her going back for good in a few months

despite all of the above ,you're right I think I have made my mind up and that is that i would like to give it a go BUT she seemed pretty certain about her decision when I last spoke to her on Thursday and my only hope now is that she might have changed her mind in the meantime because, as I said, we're both "thinking about it"..

Chinafoot wrote:

Remember that you ended your 4 month relationship because you couldn't see a future in it. Well chances are this girl can't see a future with you given the situation. She pretty much laid it out for you and, while it sucks, you should accept it

just to clarify I ended the 4 month thing because I couldn't see myself marrying that girl, which is not the case in this current situation but it is very early days and I would like another few months to see what happens. But, I can see what you're saying, given the situation a future relationship here will be complicated and difficult (but when was life ever straightforward...?)

also as far as I know she has not left anyone behind in Aus but has been the person left behind in a similar situation at some stage in the (presumably distant) past

all these things I need to talk about with her and will do maybe this evening, will let you know what happens, thanks again for all the replies

LegacyUser

Here comes the 'life is too short' response!

To try and make a long story shirt:
Met my girlfriend a few months back. She was studying here and was going back home to the US shortly after we met. Went for a few fun, non committal dates but realised there was a huge spark between us. Decided we needed to become friends because if we kept seeing each other it would hurt too much when she left (sound familiar OP??? ). One evening we were chatting and realised that neither of us wanted to part as friends, there was something special between us and so we got back together. She is now back in the states, I am finishing up my current contract in a few weeks, Im going to head over to join her and then we are heading off traveling through South America for a few months.
The point of the story: If there is something really special that you BOTH feel, go for it, because life is too short. Especially if you are in the position of being able to go to Australia to meet her. The long distance thing wont be easy, but it is doable!!!

LegacyUser

'OP again

not particularly looking for advice anymore (again thanks for the above) but just need to get this off my chest

well myself and her that is going back to Australia had the big "frank discussion" last evening. From my point of view it didn't go well. She is still insisting on absolutely nothing more happening between us between now and her leaving or to quote her directly "nothing romantic", we can still hang out and be friends (argh! I did explain that I already have plenty of good friends thank you very much but that wasn't working) but we wouldn't be hanging out all the time or every spare minute we get or that kind of thing either

I personally am gutted, this actually feels worse than being dumped (well, okay, it is being dumped but anyway) because she does have feelings for me and I can see that this is a difficult thing for her to do (yet she is still unwavering). And she is still here for another 2 months. I was mentally prepared all along for her leaving maybe October/November but now, all of a sudden, it's August and it's suddenly completely over

I did tell her about the possibility of me going to Australia early next year and she did make some positive noises about us meeting up over there, can't remember the words exactly, along the lines of "well don't worry, I should be still single.." or something along those lines.

And don't worry, am not gonna put my life on hold til Feb '08 and head over to Australia expecting sparks or her even to have the time of day for me, anything can happen in the meantime, gotta keep living life, but God it sucks right now :-('

dlofnep

I think you're setting yourself up to be hurt even more man. Fair play to you for saying it to her.. I agree that life is too short, but sometimes you don't need complications like this in your life. If she wanted you in her life, she'd say so. There are alot more fish in the sea, when you start limiting yourself to just one, you get an uncomfortable and uncontrollable slight obsession going..

The_B_Man

ye man, whats the likelihood of ya pickin up and moving to australia at 30! ya meet a lot of cool ppl along the way (through life that is) and ya cant go out with them all. maybe ur jsut so desperate for a relationship that ur clingin on to this one. Fact is, shes buggerin off to Oz, which is 6000 miles away! you have ur life here. dont leave it for some girl ya only met, who said she doesnt want anything romantic with ya!!

she even said to ya "Ill prboably still be single!" which means "im not gonna wait for ya!".

its up to you ultimately tho. it'll cause ya some major headaches either way!

LegacyUser

The_B_Man wrote:

ye man, whats the likelihood of ya pickin up and moving to australia at 30!

I mentioned I had been thinking/half-planning another stint in Australia even before she came along

The_B_Man wrote:

ya meet a lot of cool ppl along the way (through life that is) and ya cant go out with them all. maybe ur just so desperate for a relationship that ur clingin on to this one.

I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a relationship, fact is that for me personally it's rare I meet a girl I can see a future with after, say, the 2nd date. So when I do meet that person I don't want to lose em straight away....

The_B_Man wrote:

Fact is, shes buggerin off to Oz, which is 6000 miles away! you have ur life here. dont leave it for some girl ya only met, who said she doesnt want anything romantic with ya!!

she has decided she doesn't want anything "romantic" now because she's leaving in 2 months, She said that if she had, say, 6 months left here she would be keen to give it a go (romantically, or so to speak)

The_B_Man wrote:

she even said to ya "Ill prboably still be single!" which means "im not gonna wait for ya!".

I wouldn't expect her to "wait for me" seen as we're not even going out anymore!
You're all right (correct) though, the going to Australia thing may not be a runner. Even at this stage I think it may be unlikely I will go to Australia and I'm not gonna sit around here all winter thinking about it, will just get on with my life, see what else is out there, sort out the career.
If I do go I would not expect her to be at the airport nor even necessarily to see her (I have other friends in Australia to visit too by the way).
It's just frustrating cos I want to see her/talk to her every day and she's still here but I can't even do that

OK, stop gotta whining and get on with my life! :-)

Rossibaby

get stuck in son