One for the guys

LegacyUser

advice please!! I have been seeing my boyfriend for four months now and I have a feeling I might be being wasting my time.

I feel very much for him, we never argue or fall out but recently I had a serious health scare. I am 31 and he is 33. I have since found out the situation is not life threatening but will may have health implications for my future. Athough initially he was supportive I think he is trying to shrug me off gently. I dont bring the health issue up often but when I do, all I get is 'we'll deal with it when it happens'. He refuses point blank to talk about it.

In your opinion, should I ask him outright how he feels about me or is this being too pushy? I don't want to drive him away - but I do need to find out whether I should walk away now before I get invovled with him any deeper.

Thanks

MojoMaker

What do you have? It would help in suggesting options.

Wibbs

Jeez. Hard one. the fact it's only four months in doesn't help. A year or two down the line and you would likely know where you stood.

Not much use to you, but all I can think of at the moment is to keep your powder dry and see how it goes. Every relationship is a risk. Add to that mix that you're feeling naturally vulnerable at the moment and it's harder. You're probably finding the health scare hard enough to deal with yourself, never mind him. It could simply be that. He may be going through the stages of dealing with this a little behind you. I dunno, you would know better about that. Maybe discussing it is a plan. Again it could go arseways if not done right or at the right time. In the end I would say give him time and a couple of months down the line you'll have your answer. It'll be a hard couple of months though. I don't envy you that.

Now some will probably go,"but she's sick, how dare he think of backing off". Easy to say, harder to do. Give it time, but don't write him off just yet. People have a habit of surprising you.

The very best of luck with it. Sorry for the lack of real advice.

Carrigart Exile

Its Mars and Venus.

My wife frets and talks around hypothetical situations for an eternity and it drives me nuts. I am with your man in this, worry and deal with things if they have or are most likely going to happen. Nothing has ever changed because you worried 6 months earlier than you should have.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, it just means he is a guy.

randylonghorn

Glitzz wrote:

all I get is 'we'll deal with it when it happens'.

Tbh, this is a very typical male approach to things ... I would be inclined to agree with the statement below:

Carrigart Exile wrote:

It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, it just means he is a guy.

Beruthiel

Glitzz wrote:

In your opinion, should I ask him outright how he feels about me or is this being too pushy?

At four months, yes, that would be pushy. You cannot predict the future, talking about what may or might happen doesn't mean diddly as it's all just guess work. Expecting him to come up with concrete answers is a bit much at this stage.
I would think that the comment 'deal with it when it happens' is perfectly acceptable and actually means if things go well with ye he's open to the idea of being around if and when it does.
Relax the kaks woman.

EDO

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Its Mars and Venus.

My wife frets and talks around hypothetical situations for an eternity and it drives me nuts. I am with your man in this, worry and deal with things if they have or are most likely going to happen. Nothing has ever changed because you worried 6 months earlier than you should have.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, it just means he is a guy.

Agree completely with that - its just the way we are wired

TheBigEvil

I wouldn't be too worried about it. Guys generally dont like to discuss medical things. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you.

But It would be worthwhile sitting him down and discussing your concerns with him, in a non emotional way.

Just talk to him, tell him your concerns and try and get a true reaction from him.

If you love him and he loves you, you should be able to discuss it. But when you do, you'll need to make sure you have the answers you need. Once done, whatever you do don't keep going on about it, sure fire way to drive him away.

Wibbs

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Its Mars and Venus.

My wife frets and talks around hypothetical situations for an eternity and it drives me nuts. I am with your man in this, worry and deal with things if they have or are most likely going to happen. Nothing has ever changed because you worried 6 months earlier than you should have.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, it just means he is a guy.

QFT

JCDUB

Couldn't agree more with all the posts above, we men just deal with things differently, ie bury our heads in the sand until the last minute:eek:

But when we actually get the finger out and begin to deal with things we can be pretty good at helping and being supportive.

Give him time, he'll come around.

mickoneill30

Glitzz wrote:

Athough initially he was supportive I think he is trying to shrug me off gently. I dont bring the health issue up often but when I do, all I get is 'we'll deal with it when it happens'. He refuses point blank to talk about it.

Has anything in your relationship changed to make you think he's trying to shrug you off gently. Does he call you less, do you go out less, do you see each other less often? Or is it that he just isn't talking about the problem that might affect you in the future?

My wifes in a similar situation. Her family has history of a problem, it happened to her a few years ago but was caught in time, it might happen to her again. We can either worry about it and obsess about it or get on with life and just be vigilant. We don't discuss it much and never have, I just make sure we're covered with health insurance and she gets a checkup more often than usual.

Talliesin

Well, there's a few things here.

Firstly, how does he deal with illness generally? Men are more likely to be hypochondriacs than women, but in either case nobody is perfect at getting a balanced view of just how serious an illness is - we all tend to either overestimate or underestimate the impact or lurch between the two extremes. Maybe he just doesn't want to dwell on the unpleasant side of things too much. A little bit of that can be a good thing (it helps to not dwell on them too much) a lot is a bad thing (if it gets to the point of simply not dealing with the reality).

Beyond that, I'd say he simply doesn't know how able he is to handle it. He doesn't know for sure that he's going to keep being supportive and more to the point he doesn't know for sure after 4 months that the two of you would still be in a relationship in a years time (I assume neither of you have moved in with the other or made long-term plans for a life together yet).

All anyone, male or female, can really do in his situation is take things as they come and see how they turn out. Longer-term commitments may or may not be appropriate later.

Your illness has put you in a position of having to think about some long-term stuff at a point in your relationship where you should be pretty much just enjoying each other and at most feeling around the edges of whether it could work as a long-term thing.

He doesn't want to just give up on the possibility of a long-term relationship, including whatever consequences your illness may have on that, but he's not ready to start picking out curtains with you either. That's a reasonable place to be after four months.