what?

Tammis

My bf who i love to bits is breaking up with me.
He says that i expect to much of him
He has a 3 bed semi d, and we have two large dogs.
I look after everything in the care of the house.and im also working and traveliing home lunchtimes to check the dogs and let them out.
I find all this hardwork as the dogs really take their toll on the house.creating alot of dust and mess just by being there!!(love them though!!)
He says that im nagging to much recently trying to get help with things when he comes home and is tired after a long day at work.
At the moment we're supposed to be buying the house together to.
He won't even lift a dish to wash it after eating from it. He used to nag me about not being tidy enough!vice versa now.
i work to outside the home and i do all laundry and all cooking all the cleaning and all the outdoor work with the dogs yard. I also do all the shopping and pay all the bills.also dog walking
He comes home from work and eats his dinner, complains about being tired and sometimes walks the dog. He has also put on a lot of weight.
He told me yesterday that i am always nagging lately.He can be very aggressive too about this which scares me too. basically he doesn't think he wants me any more as i'm always nagging and don't smile as much anymore. (told me last week that he loved me and appreciated me).said that he wnats things the way they were when we first met.
All he actually does is go to work watch tv and dvds and drink.
Help!! Mayb he's depressed..think this could be possible but i cant cope anymore without help its taking its toll.
But still i love him for better or worse(wer not married!)but it seems he only wants me for better.

What is this?

muppetkiller

He sounds like a complete waster..although he might have done the right thing by dumping you...now at least you can hopefully meet someone who isn't looking for a mother to look after him.

Having said that it's his place and if he wants it to be a kip let it be.
Don't do his washing , don't do anything for him. lets see how long he lasts..

Do you pay rent ? Or is paying the bills your rent ?

Mighty_Mouse

my 2c
Say fine to breaking up.
Dont have a big discussion. Just say if thats what you want fine.
If you wont help me, I cant do it all & I refuse to live in flith.

Walk out & dont contact him for a couple of weeks.
See how he likes living in his own filth!!

Why in the name of god would you be interested in this animal?

TBH I can never understand how city people think its feasible to have more than 1 pet. In your house. Where you eat and sleep?

Leeby

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

TBH I can never understand how city people think its feasible to have more than 1 pet. In your house. Where you eat and sleep?

How is that relevant??

I would agree with most of what the above people say, let him live in his own filth for a while and he's sure to start appreciating everything you do for him

Tammis

I know what yez are saying but my heart is saying different if u know what i mean...

We don't live in a city, its a big village, and i'm not city but he is originally.

i think i might have to do this in going but its like i'm numb. Its not the first time this has happened with him but we made up but im not sure i want a repeat.
It could be my effect on him making him like this, i am a busy person though and i just don't have time to sit down and watch tv with him...I don't even get to c my old friends anymore,because of time and also because hes a bit jealous and it doesnt feel worth the 101 questions about were iv been. (i dont like been quizzed in detail on what iv done with my day, its pointless and wee bit invasive)

Tammis

its also not that long ago that we were getting on great, but i think now thats just because i had to work at it...

MrBaseball

It sounds like you have a lot of problems with this guy, it's a good thing he's dumping you, eh? Seriously though, just move on and find someone you're more suited to.

Marksie

From what you have posted Tammis he wants a mammy not a partner.

The question is if he is that lazy, that uncaring, aggressive and frightening then pull out of the buying of the house and walk away thinking yourself lucky.

For better or worse? in this case his better is your worse you are right in that.

Love is not a panacea or a magic wand, it wont make the essential fact that you are being used any different.

The cry of "but i love him/her" is no defence of allowing yourself to be a victim. Its the worst form of excuse.

"said that he wnats things the way they were when we first met."... you mean not knwoing any better, starry eyed and gullible? I am sure he does.

Move out and move on.

he has tsrted the ball rolling by saying he is dumping you.. that really shows how muhc effort he is willing to put in doesn't it.
IMO he is game playing, let him go home to his mammy

Slow Motion

Tammis wrote:

I don't even get to c my old friends anymore,because of time and also because hes a bit jealous and it doesnt feel worth the 101 questions about were iv been. (i dont like been quizzed in detail on what iv done with my day, its pointless and wee bit invasive)

I would take this as a bad sign ! And it could get worse, love only goes so far hard work takes you the rest of the way. I think you should seriously consider what others have already said and get the hell outta dodge before the situation deteriorates !

Tammis

Thanks, take it im getting the truthful male viewpoint here...

i must have made him sound really bd that and dint mean to, he not that bad, just a bit scary sometimes!
I am glad that its happening now rather tahn later but its ahrd to prepare yourself for ya know.

There are things about him though that ive given him lee way for, he had a rough upbringing and a lot of bad experiences, also adopted which disturbed him alot i think, ive tried to consider this and take it into context.
'Poor me' only goes so far

Thanks every1 though cos at least i dont feel so much like iv done something wrong!! rocky roads ahead.

Tammis

no one i have down here (im not from this location) passes any comments and my people at home think im just very busy and buzzin around, im dreading telling people in whatl seem to them like outa the blue. Im quite a private person, not that you'd think that from my writings!!

AlanG

OP Your first post is a good level headed description of how a relationship can deteriorate and he may not even notice that this has happened. If you want to try and sort things out you should rewrite all the points of that post and give it to him in writing as the basis for discussion. He may see things different when they are written down.
If you don’t want to work on it like that then it may be best to break up with him as he sounds selfish.

Lola123

TBH you don't break up with someone you "love" cos you don't want to help them clean and u don't wanna be asked to clean up etc.
Sounds to me like he';s using that as an excuse. Maybe he just wants out but doesn't know how to say it.

muppetkiller

Tammis wrote:

just a bit scary sometimes!

Ahhhhh explain that please ...why would anyone be with a person that is scary sometimes ? Sounds like he needs professional help.
And please give me a break with trying to defend him.."he's adopted" nonsense. He's a lazy ignorant person and you should be delighted to get rid of him. And trust me it's not your heart that's clouding your judgement it's your lack of selfworth.
Do you not think you deserve to be treated well ?
Do you not think relationships are about mutual respect and enjoying each others company ?
To find someone you can laugh at and laugh with longterm ?

Marksie

AlanG wrote:

OP Your first post is a good level headed description of how a relationship can deteriorate and he may not even notice that this has happened. If you want to try and sort things out you should rewrite all the points of that post and give it to him in writing as the basis for discussion. He may see things different when they are written down.
If you don’t want to work on it like that then it may be best to break up with him as he sounds selfish.

I think the salient point here (not juts singling your post out alanG) is that the Op clearly states that he is breaking up with her.
he has accused her of nagging, in other words he is passing the blame squarely onto the OP shoulders. it appears the Op isn't really being given an option.

Of course it may be he is game playing and saying this to keep her quiet and in line.

The "no dont leave i wont nag you gain... i will be the dutiful mammy/slave/workhorse you want."

Well, the good old harvey smith to that OP. There are people with different attitudes like that out there.
you dont have to put up with it, any realtionship that drains you to such an extent is not worth being in.

Caliden

I'll give it 2 weeks before he is begging for you to come back. If you decide to go back to him make sure he helps out with regards to the house

Tammis

I think that may be a losing battle too as iv tried to do this before and it didnt work very well.but i mite try it..
I am and have worked really hard on this relationship, mainly because thats what i believe a lasting relationship needs!! i know that sounds boring but i know that things dont just bluster along on their own!!someone told me that relationships are like a garden...dont want a rock garden!!
I do want to save this relationship but mayb iv just said the wrong thing there...(I really want to save it..focusing on theI bit...)
we have made a life together though and i just want him to talk to me properly and expalin things,,, he also having problems at work at the moment so that is defo something to do with it, im supportive but he won't offload that burden, just all the rest,, he kinda issues very fatalistic ultimatums as well,, you cant have any kind of discussion(argument in his words) without these ultimatums and i find this hard to deal with,,, im not like that,,

Oryx

It sounds to me like hes bullying you. You do everything for him and hes not happy, so hes dumping you? (Which would seem like a threat: change or im dumping you). Thats just total manipulation. If you ever want to be in a equal relationship, call his bluff. Walk away. His behaviour is unacceptable, he is taking you, and your love, completely for granted.

Tammis

Thanks guys for discussing wit me,,,

Someone said in a post there that '''mayb he just looking for a way out'''that struck a cord...
I think i'll tell him that i shall go along with whatever he wants,,

someone also said something about finding someone to laugh with and at!! i like that..hasnt been thatw ay in a while...

and by the way i actually am not really a nag (i know i have been recently) its not my nature either,,

and yeah i'l keep those self worth comments in mind but i think im ok like that to!!i have disrespected myself with the **** iv taken tho i suppose,,

the time for talking sense has ended i think...need to just go dont i...

love is awful,,,prob just cry when i go home and see him...

Tammis

kinda got an inkling that id walk away and say ok in the hope that he'd ask me to come back but i think if i walked it'd b final..mayb itd still be aswell

muppetkiller

Try not to break down in front of him..and have everything packed before you say anything...
He sounds like he knows which buttons to press to hurt and manipulate you to staying with him.

Just tell him that you've grown tired of his lazy and disrespectful attitude to you and your delighted he treatened to break up with you, because now you can see him for the complete muppet he is

then smile ...walk away ...then break down with some close friends

Tammis

muppetkiller wrote:

He sounds like a complete waster..although he might have done the right thing by dumping you...now at least you can hopefully meet someone who isn't looking for a mother to look after him.

Having said that it's his place and if he wants it to be a kip let it be.
Don't do his washing , don't do anything for him. lets see how long he lasts..

Do you pay rent ? Or is paying the bills your rent ?

I pay the bills and all household items and he pays mortgage and his booze.
I acually pay more funnily enough.

answering you there muppetkiller!!

Tammis

muppetkiller wrote:

Try not to break down in front of him..and have everything packed before you say anything...
He sounds like he knows which buttons to press to hurt and manipulate you to staying with him.

Just tell him that you've grown tired of his lazy and disrespectful attitude to you and your delighted he treatened to break up with you, because now you can see him for the complete muppet he is

then smile ...walk away ...then break down with some close friends

iv just seen this msg...

yes i'll probably try to do this but iv a feeling my feelings are too close to surface... i want to shake him and tell him to cop on that things arent all roses and flowers all the time...

dont want to be a muppet but were both pisceans!!!always wanting the impossible!!!

Sandy2004

IMO you have two choises - Keep been a doormat.... or use the dormat on your way out .....

A relationship is 50/50 and you don't seem to be appreciated... let him wallow in his own self-pity... When relationships fizzle out, more times than not its because both people are heading in different paths or just not compatible.. No point in hanging around waiting for him to change... he needs to change of his own accord. maybe give him the space to do it and see what happens?

If its meant to be, set him free, and it'll come back to me?

ShowUsYourXbox

I honestly don't think its fair passing a comment on this hearing only one side of the story, especially since women always make it sound like men are in the wrong when they explain the situation.

I'm not stirring here, im just saying, there's always two sides to the story.. anyone who's ever been in a relationship knows this all too well.

Tammis

but its hard to do... will need to practice abit of tough love...
were going different directions in that he spends his time in pub/watching tv and im tryin to work towards things i guess, i was full of hopes an ideas for our future together, mayb we are just not suited but i dont think that many women would be suited to the way of life hes chosen and wants me to conform to...

my dad has said that my partner is very much like him in that he wants to be his own person, but sure doesnt everyone? ... i think me da meant that he didnt want to make room within himself for any1 else...

Tammis

ShowUsYourXbox wrote:

I honestly don't think its fair passing a comment on this hearing only one side of the story, especially since women always make it sound like men are in the wrong when they explain the situation.

I'm not stirring here, im just saying, there's always two sides to the story.. anyone who's ever been in a relationship knows this all too well.

what i actually wanted coming on here was a male idea of what my partner is actually going through, u know my side but looking at it though,,,his background,,apparantely bad relationship with ex who nagged and then cheated on him,,, adopted,, rough upbringing and now having trouble at work,,,was also out of work for a while wit broken bones (fighting) got very frustrated then also, although i ignored it then cos he in pain...what ya think from male side?

ceidefields

Sounds like you're looking for one of the lads to give you some justification for his behavior. There isn't a justification. He behaved himself at the beginning of the relationship but now he's showing you his true colors and people do not change.

Confide in a few friends or family that you trust, tell them what's going on, pack your stuff and leave. Then call him and tell him that it's over. If you meet him again, do it in a public place and let someone know where you're going and that you're meeting him. Given his history of violence, you should really be careful here.

Rough upbringing etc is not an excuse or reason to treat other people badly. You have a choice and you know what you need to chose.

As much as you want it to be, this is not love nor will it ever be. It's a self-centred arse using you as his maid and bill payer. You don't own a house together, you don't have children together. I would get the eff out of there and stay out.

BKtje

Sorry if you answered this already but..

Could you not just sit down and talk to him before leaving?
You can explain how you feel you do everything and that you basically feel used. He can also then explain why he feels the need to threaten you with a break up and what in his eyes you are doing "wrong" (remember just cos he feels that way doesnt necessarily make it true). If you both go into it with open minds and mutual respect (ie let eachother finish your respective points without interuption) you will both have a better understanding of where the other person is at and what they are looking for to continue the relationship.

This won't necessarily mean that you two will stay together and i't will probably be a difficult process but even if the worst happens and you do break up at least you won't be left wondering why, or at least not to as great an extent. It's always better to try and resolve the issue than running away from it (unless you feel threatened by him of course!).

Imo this is better than just walking out and seeing if he comes crawling back. Of course if you already tried this route then next step may indeed be to walkout.

All the best of luck and i hope things work out for you.

EDIT: Just read what you said about his ex. Be very careful whatever you decide and maybe have that talk in a more public place or with friends nearby if thats the route you choose to go. Be sure you feel and are safe. Bad upbringing is never an excuse for that kind of behavious. Never.

Talliesin

Tammis wrote:

I know what yez are saying but my heart is saying different if u know what i mean...

That's probably because you love him.

Loving him doesn't mean splitting up is necessarily a bad idea, though it does mean it's going to hurt more

Tammis wrote:

I don't even get to c my old friends anymore,because of time and also because hes a bit jealous and it doesnt feel worth the 101 questions about were iv been. (i dont like been quizzed in detail on what iv done with my day, its pointless and wee bit invasive)

That's a bigger warning sign than anything I think.

From the outside we can't really know whether he's a complete mammy's boy wimp who wants everything handed to him, or if he's working his ass off and you just aren't seeing it and it's not good enough for you. Chances are most people reading this thread have seen both of these scenarios happening. Getting a fair balance in terms of domestic chores that need doing isn't always at all easy and it's hard to judge from one person's post just what is happening and how balanced it is (when we consider that other things like outside work, other commitments, health etc. have their effect on how strainging a given amount of domestic work is).

The degree of jealousy though certainly ups the chances of him being a mammy's boy wimp.

That's not "a bit jealous", btw. If you can't see your friends you have a serious problem.

Tammis wrote:

he not that bad, just a bit scary sometimes!

That doesn't actually make sense.

How can somebody that scares you be "not that bad"? The natural reactions to being scared are "fight or flight". Now, we are more than our instincts so as civilised people we don't react to someone scaring us by immediately choosing between running away or smashing them over the head with something. Still though, neither have we replaced "fight of flight" with "fight, flight or attempt to build life together with".

Tammis wrote:

There are things about him though that ive given him lee way for, he had a rough upbringing and a lot of bad experiences, also adopted which disturbed him alot i think, ive tried to consider this and take it into context.
'Poor me' only goes so far

Who gives a damn?

Lots of us have had bad experiences of one sort or another. I don't remember ever receiving a get-out-of-jail-free card after any of mine.

I'll certainly accept that it can make things harder. I'd certainly say yeah, give someone a break if they're trying to be the best they can and some of their baggage is getting in the way. But that doesn't sound like what's happening here.

Tammis wrote:

my dad has said that my partner is very much like him in that he wants to be his own person,

Actually, that doesn't sound like it's the case at all.

If he wants to be his own person, then what has he done with himself?

Sounds much more like he wants to be a kept person.