How do I show I care?

BlueDubLady

4 weeks ago I met a really amazing guy on a dating website. We emailed at first and after a week started texting and calling. We really clicked and spent hours chatting on the phone most nights. After two weeks we decided we would meet up. There is about 100 miles between where we both live. Anyway we met up last Friday and he stayed with me. We had a wonderful day and evening Friday and we got on even better then I had imagined. We talked for ages, felt really comfortable with him and we both want to get to know each other better and see where it takes us. He’d been suffering with a chest infection/cold all week, apparently he suffers from them a lot & has asthma, but on Friday night he seemed to get worse. His breathing was strained and he got worried about it. Saturday morning he said he better go home to get some medication. I was really disappointed that he wouldn’t be staying for the weekend, but I knew he was in pain. He was texting for a while saturday evening chatting about what we'd do next weekend together and that he'd make it up to me. The next day he rang to say he had conked out last night but still wasn’t feeling too well. He’d go to the doctors on Monday morning. Monday evening he rang to say he’d been in the hospital as the doctor was concerned about the amount of mucus on his lungs.
Wednesday evening he called me to say they had found a lump on his lung and that it is a form of cancer. I didn’t ask too much about it, but he said it’s a rare form that normally only impacts people over 40 (he is mid 20s), but they seem quite sure that’s what it is. Obviously he is finding it very hard to come to terms with. We chatted briefly he said he was waiting to get an appointment with a specialist and this his head is really messed up. I told him I’d be there for him and if he needed anything, but I know right now he just needs some space. He agreed and said he needed some time to take it all in.
I really like this guy, but I don’t know what to do. I’ll gladly give him time but I want him to know I am here to support him, but I fear the reality of it is that he isn’t going to want to have someone he has only met once around. I want to do what’s best for him, but I don’t want to be out of his life either.
Should I leave it a week, then call? Offer to visit? Or am I just being selfish?
Any advise would be appreciated

BDL.

muppetkiller

Give him a ring see how he's getting on and then chat like you would have before. Just be there for him like you'd be for any of your buddies.
it's not like it's contagious..

BlueDubLady

Thanks, but as I said he wanted some time/space and I want to respect that. I'm not sure how long to live it though?

muppetkiller

You met him online so drop him an email or comment ?
he can respond in his own time and let him know that you'll be here for him if he'd like a chat..

Talliesin

Send a bunch of flowers.

Flowers are pretty and smell nice.
Everyone likes to receive them (esp. men since we generally get them more rarely than women, though for the same reason we are more likely to be a tad embarassed, but that's covered by the next point).
They are a traditional gift for someone who isn't well, so there's no pressure implied (go for a mixed bunch rather than a dozen roses so).
Once received they'll just sit there looking pretty and smelling nice.

CathyMoran

Having recently survived a rare form of cancer (oesophageal) that rarely impacts people under 40 I think that it would be great if you stayed email friends with him, I also agree about the flowers. I found that my friends were the thing that kept me sane through the whole scary cancer thing. He may not want to burden you but if you say that it is not a burden then that is a help. There were one or two friends that I could really cry with when I was ill and it really helped.

Dord

I'd leave it about a week and maybe send him an email asking how he's feeling? What has he been up to recently etc. and maybe don't try focus too much on his health. Talk about what you're up to and the like. I'll echo what people said above and just try be a good friend to him at this time.

uoluol

I am probably a horrible horrible person for saying this (and I HOPE I am wrong) but.... does it not feel a bit soon to be told you have cancer in 2 days? I have had several family members who have been diagnosed with cancer, and all of them had to wait longer than 2 days to get the diagnosis. I sincerely hope it his not his way of telling you he wants to "cool" things whilst he figures out if he wants to take your relationship further.

If on the other hand, you believe he is serioulsy ill, I agree with the other posters, give it about a week, and e-mail or text him and let him know you are thinking of him. Just keep it simple - as long as he knows you are there for him, it will mean a lot.

I really hope my initial thoughts are wrong - sorry just a natural cynical person.

Talliesin

uoluol wrote:

does it not feel a bit soon to be told you have cancer in 2 days?

You can, but generally you're in a pretty bad way by that time.

However, 2 days before this he could have had a "probably nothing but we'd better check it out" that turned out to be something. I've certainly known that to happen.

BlueDubLady

Hey thanks all for the advice.

Chatted with him today and he is just in terrible shock, he has an appointment next week with the specialist, and as of now they haven't actually confirmed cancer but he is convinced that its some sort of cancer.
He lost his Dad to cancer a few yrs back so he is fearing the worst, I know he wouldn't use that as an excuse to cool things. He says he doesn't know how to feel about anything and wants to deal with it by himself. So I'm going to take your advice and send flowers tomorrow and give him some space.

:-)

CathyMoran

When you have cancer you just know that you have it. My experience of it was that I went for a scan on Wednesday which ruled out other minor illnesses then on Friday I had a biopsy and at that stage they told me that I probably had cancer. I actually got the results the following week. To the OP, I wish you all the best at this difficult time. He will really need you over the following few weeks and months as cancer is very difficult.

little nell

uoluol wrote:

I am probably a horrible horrible person for saying this (and I HOPE I am wrong) but.... does it not feel a bit soon to be told you have cancer in 2 days? I have had several family members who have been diagnosed with cancer, and all of them had to wait longer than 2 days to get the diagnosis. I sincerely hope it his not his way of telling you he wants to "cool" things whilst he figures out if he wants to take your relationship further.

If on the other hand, you believe he is serioulsy ill, I agree with the other posters, give it about a week, and e-mail or text him and let him know you are thinking of him. Just keep it simple - as long as he knows you are there for him, it will mean a lot.

I really hope my initial thoughts are wrong - sorry just a natural cynical person.

i am a bit cynical too,but did it cross your mind that he was only using you, do you not think he would have mentioned the fact that he was :not well: before he spent the night,if you taught you knew him well enough to sleep with him after the few chats you had,well it beggars belief that there are still girls out there so foolish as to fall for that story.I hope i am wrong too, sorry

BlueDubLady

little nell wrote:

i am a bit cynical too,but did it cross your mind that he was only using you, do you not think he would have mentioned the fact that he was :not well: before he spent the night,if you taught you knew him well enough to sleep with him after the few chats you had,well it beggars belief that there are still girls out there so foolish as to fall for that story.I hope i am wrong too, sorry

Yes it did cross my mind that maybe he wasn't interested but its not the case. Also I've completely pulled back with regards contact and let him know I'm here if he needs or wants anything. He has reached out to me.
He was up in Dublin during the week for his specialist appointment and he definetly isn't just putting it on.
Also I never said we'd slept together, we shared a bed!

LegacyUser

'I had two friends with cancer last year, both of them on their mid-20s. one of them had just been cleared of the cancer after some treatment (of course i just forgot the name) and the other one is still fighting with it.
One thing is for sure, contact (ie text, emails, sudoku books, etc) with friends, acquaintances, family was what kept them going through the hard times, so, send short emails with hey how u doing and some jokes or some funny videos, if he s lying as the other guys said, you ll eventually find out, maybe just the emails if hes asked for space.
I know that if it was me, i d appreciate it

Cheers'