torn between two lovers

LegacyUser

Im going to go unreg for this as i know im gonna be called a slag.

I met my fiance 4 years ago- we had a pretty fast courtship and got engaged after 4 months.We moved in together after a year and a half(To much aggro from his mother)

Now i am a very sexual person and i have a very high sex drive and he knows this.He went off sex totally- at one stage it had been 6 months with no sex. I discussed this with my fiance and he said hed try harder- but he hasnt tried at all- I got mad one night and told him if he didnt cop on i was gonna shag sum1 else- and he got upset- but still he didnt do anything about it. I got sick of waiting around and for the last 2 years ive been with someone else.

This guy is my age(My fiances 4 years older than me) and he is a great bloke. I only started seeing him cos my fiance went off sex. The sex is fantastic but we ended up falling in love. He wanted me to leave my fiance and marry him but i wont for the simple fact that at the time my fiance was diagnosed with depression and i didnt wanna make his life worse.He understood that- but latley he keeps pushing and pushing on about it- but i love him and i want to marry him, but i love my fiance to bits(those who say you cant love two people at once dont know what they are talking about)

Another thing getting my goat is latley my fiance has gotten back into sex and we are at it like rabbits- and the bf is getting very jealous and im worried hes gonna tell my fiance.

And yet ANOTHER issue. My fiance doesnt want kids- he hates them he phyiscally hates them- according to him they are smelly and expensive and noisy- but i love kids and i really want a family of my own, and my boyfriend has made it very clear that he wants kids and i think its his sly way of digging about "If you stay with him he wont want kids but ill give you them"

Worse still my boyfriend proposed to me the other night and i just walked off (i still dont know why)

Hes been calling me and im not answering

I dont know who to choose i love them both

togster

You are such a lovely person. I think that you should probably keep having an affair with your bf and hurt your depressed fiance. Its all his fault, Your right about one thing though you are a........

boffin

justhmyself wrote:

And yet ANOTHER issue. My fiance doesnt want kids- he hates them he phyiscally hates them- according to him they are smelly and expensive and noisy- but i love kids and i really want a family of my own, and my boyfriend has made it very clear that he wants kids and i think its his sly way of digging about "If you stay with him he wont want kids but ill give you them"

Well that would be a deal breaker for me. That's a serious difference in terms of what you want out of life.

I think you should decide what you want in life and figure out who will fit into that life. At the moment your fiance doesn't seem to have any of the same goals in life as you. If you care about either of them, make a decision promptly - you are not doing your fiance or bf any favours as they are not getting the chance to meet someone who will treat them with respect.

Wibbs

Funny enough I have sympathy for you. I was in a situation once where I cared very deeply for two people. It does happen. I wouldn't have believed it before it happened to me. Now of course me being born strapped to a high horse and being chock full of moral fibre :rolleyes: , I didn't take it into the physical realm with one of the women. Looking back I was definitely cheating emotionally with her though, which is sometimes much worse*. Certainly worse than a drunken snog with some randommer.

For me I think it was that the two people were complimentary and different. Each gave me different things that the other didn't or couldn't. If I could have merged the two of them I would have married the result. I'll be honest I did feel very guilty about it. Very. I was being intolerably selfish and selfcentered. It was all about what I wanted. Not good. And it only went on for a month or so. It had to stop.

In retrospect(it was a fair while back before I got sense and it wasn't as serious a situation as you're in. ) I would have answered the question of who I wanted to stay with, by asking myself who could I have not been without. No one will fulfill all your needs. No one but yourself. I have also found people can change, can ebb and flow in any relationship. There are certain core things that generally don't change and you have to decide which of these guys has those core values you want. The kids thing is less of a problem I reckon. I have had male mates of mine that hated the idea of kids right up to the moment they had them. Now they're sickening. Goo goo gaa gaa my arse....:D

Questions you should ask yourself? Who can you open up to more? Who are you more yourself with? Who is/was there to support you when times are tough? Who makes you a better person? Who "gets" you more? They're the cores IMHO. Anything else can be worked on if someone is willing.

You probably know the answer to those questions already and what's stopping you making the change is a mixture of guilt, knowing somebody's going to get hurt and having to buck the status quo. The fact is, somebody is going to get hurt. Maybe more than one. Either way you owe it to yourself and them to make a decision. Hate to say it, you can't have it all and even if you could it wouldn't work out.







*In the afterhours thread on cheating, i said I never cheated. Looks like I did, but not in the obvious let's get sweaty way. Mea culpa.

py2006

How can you call the person you are cheating with your boyfriend???? Your fiance is your boyfriend!!

You are not in love with both people, thats impossible! I think you confuse sex with love.

Do your fiance a favour and break it off with him.

Donald Fagen

Your BF sounds like a total bore. Ditch him and get with this other guy.

Loomis

Break up with your fiance. You don't deserve him.
You went somewhere else for sex so stay there. Since that's apparently what's most important to you (yes I realise sex in a relationship is important but cheating on your fiance of two years just to get laid is inexcusable-shows you valued a ride more than a person you'd been with 2 years and were living with) it should be an easy decision to make. You made the one to cheat easily; why not this?
The way you seemlessly change references from fiance to boyfriend is really uncomfortable to read. Makes me think something is seriously lacking if you're so cold and detached.
Leave your fiance. He didn't deserve for you to cheat on him, let alone do it for half the relationship. You can't argue that. The guy you're shagging started things with you and continued knowing you were engaged. You two are clearly more suited

I knew a guy in a simular situation except the guy she was with she had just had a child with and then the 2nd guy got her pregnant
He went nuts when she left him as she took the child then to be classy bled him for all he was worth

txt_mess

Yep you got yourself one hell of a mess there.

Leaving aside the whole cheating thing you seem to have more in common with your BF then you do with you fiance. You may love both of them but this is about the long term and on big issues like kids your better off finding someone you have more in common with.

Having said all that I wouldn't rush into getting married to your BF either remember you probably thought nothing like this would happen when you got with your fiance so you don't want a repeat situation with your BF , live with him a while before you rush into anythng.

IANAL (hullaballoo's test a/c)

justhmyself wrote:

...I dont know who to choose i love them both

Surely this is something you have to think about for yourself, rather than asking a bunch of people on the internet.

Do you really love your finacée? Do you really love your boyfriend? Or is your emotional attachment to either man delineated by the physical nature of the relationship? There's nothing in your story to make you a 'slag'. If you're not satisfied by a relationship, it's perfectly natural to go and find something different that's more to your taste. What's unusual is that most people will end the unsatisfactory relationship first. Different strokes for different folk.

Agent J

Nice and complicated.....

Forgive me for making it very simple.

1)You were only staying with your "fiance" because he's depressed
2)Your "fiance" doesnt want kids and you do.

Leaving everything else aside from that its pretty simple what you should do.

Would you accept this situation cannot continue?

If so then the sooner you act the better.

ShowUsYourXbox

Break up with your husband, he's probably spending the best years of his life with a selfish slag.

LegacyUser

'You shouldn't be with either,

Finish with both and find someone new.

You're not being fair to either, and neither of them make you 100% happy.
You obviously don't trust your boyfriend if you're worried he'll tell your fiance.

Do yourself and everyone a favour and let them both go.'

JCDUB

justhmyself wrote:

He went off sex totally- at one stage it had been 6 months with no sex.

That would suggest to me that there are serious problems in your relationship with your fiance.Whether or not he is a sexual person, it shows he was not prepared to put some effort into the relationship regarding sex.

He was a lazy and inconsiderate partner in not showing you any sexual attention, and you found gratification elsewhere.

Not how I would have gone about it but I find it hard to look down on you considering your situation.

Ditch the fiance, see what happens with the other bloke..

Beruthiel

ShowUsYourXbox wrote:

Break up with your husband, he's probably spending the best years of his life with a selfish slag.

Don't post in this forum again until you've read the Charter.
Consider this your warning.
B

JCDUB

JCDUB wrote:

He went off sex totally- at one stage it had been 6 months with no sex.

That would suggest to me that there are serious problems in your relationship with your fiance.Whether or not he is a sexual person, it shows he was not prepared to put some effort into the relationship regarding sex.

He was a lazy and inconsiderate partner in not showing you any sexual attention, and you found gratification elsewhere.

Not how I would have gone about it but I find it hard to look down on you considering your situation.

Ditch the fiance, see what happens with the other bloke..

Did you not read the full OP
This amazes me about giving advise on PI understand fully before dishing advise.

justhmyself wrote:

Another thing getting my goat is latley my fiance has gotten back into sex and we are at it like rabbits- and the bf is getting very jealous and im worried hes gonna tell my fiance.

And of course he's gonna react like this, no bloke likes to be getting sloppy seconds or knowing that the woman he loves is being bent over by another man whenever he pleases

LegacyUser

'

togster wrote:

You are such a lovely person. I think that you should probably keep having an affair with your bf and hurt your depressed fiance. Its all his fault, Your right about one thing though you are a........

hes not depressed now- AT THE TIM E he was'

LegacyUser

'

Wibbs wrote:

I have had male mates of mine that hated the idea of kids right up to the moment they had them. Now they're sickening. Goo goo gaa gaa my arse....:D .

he adores his nieces and nephews- babysits them plays with them, spoils them, when they cry hes all hugs and kisses

but when i am minding my nieces or nephews its totally different- wont hold the baby or change the baby even wheel the buggy- when they cry all i hear is "Shut him/her up"'

LegacyUser

'

py2006 wrote:

How can you call the person you are cheating with your boyfriend???? Your fiance is your boyfriend!!.

it was a reference so people would confuse which guy i was talking about'

LegacyUser

'

Mr. Anderson wrote:

Break up with your fiance. You don't deserve him.

i know that

Mr. Anderson wrote:

You went somewhere else for sex so stay there. Since that's apparently what's most important to you (yes I realise sex in a relationship is important but cheating on your fiance of two years just to get laid is inexcusable-shows you valued a ride more than a person you'd been with 2 years and were living with) it should be an easy decision to make. You made the one to cheat easily; why not this?

well considering that he never wanted to do ANYTHING and i was sick of trying and i TOLD him i would cheat and he still didnt do anything i stand by what i did

Mr. Anderson wrote:

The way you seemlessly change references from fiance to boyfriend is really uncomfortable to read. Makes me think something is seriously lacking if you're so cold and detached.

Mr. Anderson wrote:

once again AS IVE ALREADY MENTIONED its a reference so people wouldnt get confuses between the two'

LegacyUser

'

Wibbs wrote:

Questions you should ask yourself? Who can you open up to more? Who are you more yourself with? Who is/was there to support you when times are tough? Who makes you a better person? Who "gets" you more?

thats definatly my fiance'

Decision made then

LegacyUser

justhmyself wrote:

'

he adores his nieces and nephews- babysits them plays with them, spoils them, when they cry hes all hugs and kisses

Then maybe he'd be like that with his own kids.

But I still don't think you should be with either, neither of them fulfil you completely and there is someone out there who will

LegacyUser

coolsmileygirl wrote:

Decision made then

How is the decision made?

She gets on better with one, but gets her satisfaction from another.

She's wouldn't be happy with either.

LegacyUser

And my other pearl of wisdom on this subject is that if your boyfriend is very jealous of your fiance then there is a chance he will always be like that, even if you break up with the fiance and go out with the boyfriend full time, you may find he doesn't trust you and will be constantly checking up on you ... or the novelty could pretty much wear off for both of you.
I really think you should consider ending it with both, they're not what you want.
Life's too short.

Nevyn

If you can't choose then neither of them is right for you.
Break up with the both of them and start over.
Do it before you get pregnant and dont know who is the father.

JCDUB

coolsmileygirl wrote:

Did you not read the full OP
This amazes me about giving advise on PI understand fully before dishing advise.

Yes of course I read the full OP. I fully stand by what I said, what parts do you object to?
And what parts of the OP do you think that i don't "fully understand?"

killeoin

JCDUB wrote:

That would suggest to me that there are serious problems in your relationship with your fiance.Whether or not he is a sexual person, it shows he was not prepared to put some effort into the relationship regarding sex.

He was a lazy and inconsiderate partner in not showing you any sexual attention, and you found gratification elsewhere.

Not how I would have gone about it but I find it hard to look down on you considering your situation.

Ditch the fiance, see what happens with the other bloke..

My god, he was depressed. If someone had cancer and didn't want to have sex would you display the same attitude?

Loomis

justhmyself wrote:

'

i know that




well considering that he never wanted to do ANYTHING and i was sick of trying and i TOLD him i would cheat and he still didnt do anything i stand by what i did

Cheating is wrong. Always. You can't justify it. Saying "I told him I'd cheat" doesn't let you off the hook. If that's how you felt then you should have broken up with him since it was sex you wanted and not him.

milkerman

I believe it is possible to love more than one woman. In some cultures a man will have more than 1 wife and manage to love 2,3 women as long as he can provide for them.
You have come to this forum asking a question to which you already know the answer. You have stayed with your fiance for various reasons but I don't think they are lasting reasons. If a potential life partner says he does not want children you must heed this, it is his choice.
Your BF sounds more suited to you.
You hopefully have a long life ahead of you, at some point you may have a baby. After having your baby you may not want sex for some time, god forbid you might suffer post-natal depression, would you be alright with your partner getting sex elsewhere because he has a high sex drive?
Sort it out, you are not being fair by the standards of our society.

LegacyUser

killeoin wrote:

My god, he was depressed. If someone had cancer and didn't want to have sex would you display the same attitude?

OMFG are u just not bothering to read the post

he became depressed after 3 YEARS together the non sex thing was happening way before that jesus christ learn to read

Wibbs

coolsmileygirl wrote:

Decision made then

Yep pretty much.

Neither!! wrote:

Then maybe he'd be like that with his own kids.

I suspect so.

But I still don't think you should be with either, neither of them fulfil you completely and there is someone out there who will

Great theory, but that's all it is. A theory. If you honestly think someone will "fulfill you completely", then you're in for one hell of a rude shock or a lifetime of unhappily kidding yourself. The only one that has a chance of fulfilling you completely is yourself.

How is the decision made?

Because outside of the usual romantic BS, moon in june, running through fields together holding hands, the things outlined in the original question are among the most important parts of a long term relationship.

She gets on better with one, but gets her satisfaction from another.

She does more than gets on better with one, by her own account and in the past, before his depression and the lack of sex, she also got her "satisfaction" from him too and apparently is heading that way again now. He presses all the buttons but one and in the past he pressed that button too. The BF presses just the a couple. Excitement and sex. Not a good basis for a longtermer. Maybe I'm reading the OP wrong, but that's how I see it. Hopefully the OP will correct me either way on this one.

She's wouldn't be happy with either.

Great crystal ball you have there. You don't know that. Not by a long shot. If the OP's fiance had not gone through the lack of libido and long bout of depression this wouldn't have even come up. Now I don't excuse the OP's actions, but I do understand them. Depression in a partner and the fall out from that can be devastating to even the most patient. Far more than many other illnesses as it eats at the core of the person you love and then the relationship itself, as it has in the OP's case.

Personally I reckon the OP has gotten into this situation herself, while under stress with her fiance. She jumped to this other guy while staying with the fiance for the reasons outlined above. She loves the fiance and the emotional support he gives her(I think). Now she's trapped. Trapped by indecision, but more likely by the fear of hurting someone or causing a scene and losing both(though I suspect the loss of the fiance would be the far higher loss).

Thaedydal wrote:

If you can't choose then neither of them is right for you.

I suspect that deep down, she has made her choice and it's just how to do it and the fallout from it that's the problem.

Break up with the both of them and start over.

Or work through it. It is an option, you know. She's been with her fiance for 4 years, he "gets" her on an intimate personal level, there has been a major bloody bump in the road with both his depression and her infidelity, but sometimes it is be worth fighting for.

Too many people give up and live to regret it later. Wipe the slate clean and start over. Sounds great and in many cases it is the right option, but sometimes you have to stop jumping from one to the next. Sometimes it's a good plan to stop and consider. If that doesn;t work then of course jump away. If the OP reckons it's worth fighting for she should do that. Bailing is the easy way out. I will agree that if she does bail she should bail on both. The BF is not a good bet I would suspect. Sure it's exiting now, it's early days, they're not living together etc. For a start she clearly believes he doesn't fulfill her on a personal level like the fiance. Not good. Staying for the sex and distraction will only work in the kind of situation they're in now. Afterwards she will find the grass less than greener. I'd put money on it.

Justhmyself wrote:

OMFG are u just not bothering to read the post

Common enough.

he became depressed after 3 YEARS together the non sex thing was happening way before that jesus christ learn to read

How way before? One may have led to another. A sudden drop off in libido has many causes, one of them depression. What reason do you think his depression started? Was it between you or external forces? If it was between you then it's of course the bigger problem.

killeoin

justhmyself wrote:

OMFG are u just not bothering to read the post

he became depressed after 3 YEARS together the non sex thing was happening way before that jesus christ learn to read

He became depressed after 2 years. Depression doesn't just spring up overnight. Considering the timeframe this would provide a valid medical explanation for his drop in limbo.

LegacyUser

justhmyself wrote:

OMFG are u just not bothering to read the post

he became depressed after 3 YEARS together the non sex thing was happening way before that jesus christ learn to read

He became depressed after 3 years or he was diagnosed after 3 years?

Did you actually try talking to him about why his libido went or did you just have a go at him for not giving you what you wanted?

But the, even though he was depressed, it is totally his fault?

Seriously, some people are so selfish it is unreal.

LegacyUser

killeoin wrote:

He became depressed after 2 years. Depression doesn't just spring up overnight. Considering the timeframe this would provide a valid medical explanation for his drop in limbo.

it didnt spring up overnight his sister was killed in a car accident something i didnt wanna bring up but have to now seen as you think i caused his depression

LegacyUser

'Now I'm only saying this because it's not directly to your face and I am not going to get a slap. You are a complete mess. You're probably the type that will go on about how it's always the man who breaks the trust. What bo11ix. I'd love to say "cop on" but somehow I don't see that making any difference.'

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

Great crystal ball you have there. You don't know that. Not by a long shot. If the OP's fiance had not gone through the lack of libido and long bout of depression this wouldn't have even come up.

Great crystal ball YOU have there.
How do we know that the fiance won't go through this agin at a later point in life and she'll go running off with someone else again?
She's been seeing another guy for TWO years!! A guy she "fell in love with".
She said herself she stayed with him because he was diagnosed with depression, and didn't want to make things worse for him!
And you think they should stay together??

She said herself that the no sex thing started before his depression so what do you know? And that the depression was casued by the death of his sister?
Who's to say he won't lose his libido again for another reason.

justhmyself wrote:

I got sick of waiting around and for the last 2 years ive been with someone else.

....

He wanted me to leave my fiance and marry him but i wont for the simple fact that at the time my fiance was diagnosed with depression and i didnt wanna make his life worse.

I mean come read that, she's messing the pair of them around in fairness.
...

Wibbs wrote:

If you honestly think someone will "fulfill you completely", then you're in for one hell of a rude shock or a lifetime of unhappily kidding yourself. The only one that has a chance of fulfilling you completely is yourself.

And I meant fulfil her wants from a relationship, obviously.
And sex is clearly a pretty big want for her. Enough for her to go odd, find another guy, fall desperately in love with him and by her own admisson "want to marry him".

She said the only thing stopping her from leaving her fiance for this other guy was that he got depression. So if he hadn't got depression she'd've been gone.

What does that tell you?

killeoin

justhmysel wrote:

it didnt spring up overnight his sister was killed in a car accident something i didnt wanna bring up but have to now seen as you think i caused his depression

His sister was killed in a car accident and you still thought/think it fit to continue cheating on him? Do you have any compassion?

Chaz

py2006 wrote:

How can you call the person you are cheating with your boyfriend???? Your fiance is your boyfriend!!

You are not in love with both people, thats impossible! I think you confuse sex with love.

Do your fiance a favour and break it off with him.

On what basis do you indicate that someone cannot love more than one person at the same time?

SingingCherry

Okay, the cheating aside (and I know it's hard to ignore but there is one important thing I read in here), is a life with no children okay with you?

Sure, he might eventually cuddle and love his children, but right now he is saying he doesn't like them, flat out, and that's fair enough. You don't want to have kids with a person who doesn't want them only to have them resent you later. Children don't deserve to be in that environment not to mention it's not fair to either of you.

So, can you live a life without children? If so, well, to be honest, you still have a mess on your hands, BUT if you KNOW you couldn't live without them and you should never try to convince someone to have kids, then the other guy is your answer.

Skip Work!

You don't deserve either. . . in my opinion

ceidefields

You should dump both of them and spend some time on yer own.... thinking about what you really want in a boyfriend.

And I don't understand these "she doesn't deserve them" comments - what doesn't she deserve, the depressed, asexual boyfriend (what a catch) or the other prize who's been in a cheating relationship with her for years on end...

edanto

I'll feel sorry for them both and particularly sorry for whichever poor bast*rd you decide to 'choose'.

If you want some advice - take a hike. For once, give your fiancé the respect he deserves, tell him what's been going on and let him dump you spectacularly. If you just leave him without telling him why then his head will be wrecked as he'll have this rose-tinted opinion of you.

Do you get a buzz out of the deception? Do you feel any guilt? It seems like your fiance meets your security need, but only though deception, and your bf meets your sex need - but only under false pretences - you should get out of this crazy situation before it messes with your emotions so much that you aren't able to feel things properly.

This warning isn't about loving two people - polyamourists would have you believe that's possible - it's more the constant deception and what that does to your self that you have to worry about.

ceidefields

I think we can all agree that everyone in this situation is a bit sad. Really, when the boyfriend doesn't have sex with you for six months and you explain that this is a problem but nothing changes, you BREAK UP with him.

SarahSassy

You sound low in confidence and like you dont know your own mind... You rushed into a relationship with your fiance and when things went pear shaped you didnt leave him, you took a lover.... You have strung them both along for the past 2 years and its time to grow up and wake up.....

IMHO you need some time on your own, to learn who YOU are and what YOU want out of life without needing to have a man to lean on and rely on... Leave both of them for a while. Take some time away possibly on a girly holiday and do something for your personal development... PLaying with people like this is not good for the soul and in years to come you will regret this time and your actions.

JCDUB

killeoin wrote:

His sister was killed in a car accident and you still thought/think it fit to continue cheating on him? Do you have any compassion?

Obviously not to sound too unsympathetic to him, but what has his sister being killed in an accident got to do with it?

By your rationale, if you and I were both looking to buy the same house and you were about to come in and gazump me and something tragic happened in my life, you would walk away and let me have the house.

I doubt that.

killeoin

JCDUB wrote:

Obviously not to sound too unsympathetic to him, but what has his sister being killed in an accident got to do with it?

By your rationale, if you and I were both looking to buy the same house and you were about to come in and gazump me and something tragic happened in my life, you would walk away and let me have the house.

I doubt that.

I wouldn't - but thats business.
This is love.

Talliesin

When love isn't making things better, it tends to make things nastier.

The relationship with the fiancé sounds like a complete disaster. Not his fault, not your fault (considering before the cheating) though no doubt both of you have done a few things to make matters worse along the way (we all do something to make matters worse) even before the cheating.

The other relationship has to contend with the fact that it started as an act of infidelity. That doesn't make it a write-off, but it is a hell of a hurdle to overcome, and will have the potential to come back to bite you in the ass years down the line. At best it would have to become a different relationship to what it is now, and maybe the two of you won't work at all well in that different relationship.

First relationship seems doomed, pretty much all on its own. Second relationship seems a bit more promising, but only slightly. Loving them doesn't change that, it just makes it suck more.

cowzerp

Break up with fiance-he could do without you, then when you are in a normal relationship, he;ll understand that you are a cheat and not think twice if he gets a better offer, i hope he dumps you then and your left to reap what you sow.