to tell or not to tell? *miscarriage*

angelicsaz

yeah so......... should i tell my now ex.........???????
like we are are cool, still really good friends and stuff. but i dunno if i can............
the thought of tellin him, just because i feel like a complete and utter failure.....the worst part is is that he really wanted kids.

Wibbs

I'm probably wrong here, but I wouldn't tell him. Not yet. Not at the moment. At least not until you've gotten through at least partly over the loss yourself. Then with hindsight you might have a better view. I feel for you. I really do. An ex of mine I stayed friends with went through this very thing(it wasn't "mine" though, so I had some objectivity). It was so hard for her. She felt guilty when she shouldn't have. Sometimes it isn't "meant to be" and all that. You are not a"complete and utter failure". Not by a long shot. It happens a lot and this bears repeating; you are not a"complete and utter failure". It happens half the time without you knowing. Again and again I say, it's not your "fault". You didn't fail as a woman or any of that crap. Believe that.

Drift

You are NOT a failure and if your ex is any sort of man he will make sure you know this. Personally I'd be really disappointed if this happened to an ex of mine and she didn't tell me.

Go with your heart OP - If you tell him will you be sorry you told him in a few years time? If you don't tell him will you be sorry in a few years time that you didn't?

Its important you know that its not in any way your fault.

spurious

I'm sorry for your loss.

About one in four pregnancies fail in the first three months.
It just happens, you didn't do anything or not do anything, it is not anyone's fault.

As to telling your ex, I suppose only you know how he might take it. If he is aware you were pregnant, I would definitely tell him soon, as no matter whether you are still together or not, at some level in his head he is thinking of a future with a child, as you were. It would not be fair to let him carry on with that. It is his loss too.

If he didn't know you were pregnant, then I suppose you have to weigh up the conflicting emotions he will feel if you tell him. He's still a friend though, and it is friends and family you need at the moment.

Agent J

I'm in two minds on this one.

1)Primary concern for now is you and what you need and want. If telling him right now will cause you hassle then like the other poster said then perhaps best to wait until you are ready and want to.

2)Im putting myself in the guys shoes. I would want to know asap more over just to be able to assist you in anway way i could. Once the intial shock cleared i would want to help(If wanted) get over it.If you think he can be of any actual use to you getting through it then i would tell him asap.

Apart from that.

Failure you are not. For all you know it could just because his material wasnt viable and be nothing you could have controlled.

I seriously doubt any guy would think a girl was a failure in that case. Any guy who would hopefully wouldnt get to procreate and really wouldnt be worth knowing on any level.

Nevyn

Miscarraige is one of those taboos that few people speak about.
It could be that there are women in your own life that you know but are not aware they have gone through this themselves.

You are not a failure, there are lots of reasons why a misscarragie occured.

I woudl suggest that you get some support

http://www.miscarriage.ie/index.html

Contact us

Administration Office
Miscarriage Association of Ireland
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North Brunswick Street
Dublin 7

Telephone
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Miss Fluff

Wibbs wrote:

I'm probably wrong here, but I wouldn't tell him. Not yet. Not at the moment. At least not until you've gotten through at least partly over the loss yourself.

I agree. Get to grips with it yourself first and then see how you feel. You are not a failure by any stretch of the imagination so don't think that for a second, these things happen sometimes and nothing you could have done could have changed things so don't be hard on yourself girl, look after YOUR feelings for now and take it from there.

LegacyUser

'sorry for your loss OP. it is not a failing in any way just nature. i also have a little angel in heaven and have had 3 babies since.
i think the father should be told for spiritual reasons. but in your own time or maybe someone can do it for u.'

angelicsaz

thank you.... your replies really mean alot.......im gettin by, i woke up feeling ok today...... he didnt know....... i didnt tell him coz i didnt want the baby to be the reason we stayed together i wanted to see if we could work things out on our own... if that makes any sense.....
hes away now for 3 weeks so i have a bit of time to think and such.
i really am at a loss what to do....... but i'll keep waking up to good days