Just friends?

Fabcat1

hey everyone

I seperated from my husband last year, it was tough at the time but we're now friends and its working out ok. I started seeing a friend of a friend, pretty much, straight away (give or take a couple of weeks) and this did help me get past it and move onto new things blah blah blah.

The reason for this post is for advice.

The whole way through my pending seperation and since then one of my male friends, helped out alot, didn't do anything utstadning and probably didn't even realised he helped as much as he did, but he was there all the same. During the seperation I realised I had feelings for this friend, but I then met the other guy and never thought much more about it, assuming that the feelings were only there 'cos he was being nice to me. So fast forward a year later, the husband and the rebound are out of the picture and the feelings I had for my friend have now been blown into a huge crush. I work with him and we socialise alot as well, so I'm always in his company, I had a party in my house at the weekend and we ended up sleeping together, I was sercretly delighted inside but when we started to kiss, he stopped and said 'are we making a mistake?' The drink was in, so the wit was out and we just carried on regardless.

Now, I see him everyday and I have absolutely no idea if he likes me or not, we put the weekend down to a drunken mistake and it hasn't been mentioned since, I don't know what he meant by 'Are we making a mistake?' Did he mean just sleeping together? Was he interested in something more? I feel like I can't bring this up to him because 2 things could happen, he could like me too and we'd live happily ever after or he could only like me as a friend and then the friendship would be ruined 'cos that would always be there. I'm so unhappy over this, I've not felt like this about someone in a long time, and I just really don't know what to do! Please help me.

biko

Dare to ask I say. OK, you may loose him for awhile if it all goes pearshaped but then again you might get a fantastic new man in your life.
Don;t be a wuss. Beating around the bush never helped anyone.

Sparky

Eventully the two of you just have to sit down together and talk it out between you.

You will always feel unhappy until you find out for certain where the two of you stand.

Add your options up. Would you rather go around feeling like a mess because you feel like you want to save a friendship (which may not be lost afterall dont forget), or do you want to know where you stand?

Getting it off your chest will be the best cure imo.

Good luck

IANAL (hullaballoo's test a/c)

Fabcat1 wrote:

hey everyone

I seperated from my husband last year, it was tough at the time but we're now friends and its working out ok. I started seeing a friend of a friend, pretty much, straight away (give or take a couple of weeks) and this did help me get past it and move onto new things blah blah blah.

The reason for this post is for advice.

The whole way through my pending seperation and since then one of my male friends, helped out alot, didn't do anything utstadning and probably didn't even realised he helped as much as he did, but he was there all the same. During the seperation I realised I had feelings for this friend, but I then met the other guy and never thought much more about it, assuming that the feelings were only there 'cos he was being nice to me. So fast forward a year later, the husband and the rebound are out of the picture and the feelings I had for my friend have now been blown into a huge crush. I work with him and we socialise alot as well, so I'm always in his company, I had a party in my house at the weekend and we ended up sleeping together, I was sercretly delighted inside but when we started to kiss, he stopped and said 'are we making a mistake?' The drink was in, so the wit was out and we just carried on regardless.

Now, I see him everyday and I have absolutely no idea if he likes me or not, we put the weekend down to a drunken mistake and it hasn't been mentioned since, I don't know what he meant by 'Are we making a mistake?' Did he mean just sleeping together? Was he interested in something more? I feel like I can't bring this up to him because 2 things could happen, he could like me too and we'd live happily ever after or he could only like me as a friend and then the friendship would be ruined 'cos that would always be there. I'm so unhappy over this, I've not felt like this about someone in a long time, and I just really don't know what to do! Please help me.

Once you and he are reasonably adult, there's never going to be a problem with you telling him you have feelings for him. The only time this would be a problem is if either of you make a super-big deal about it afterwards.

I've told plenty of people I've feelings for them, and when they're unrequited, been able to get on with a healthy friendship irregardless of the outcome. It does take nerves to confront the issue, but it would be a mistake to lose out on something that could be special just because of a fear of an irrational reaction.

randomname2005

Fabcat1 wrote:

I've not felt like this about someone in a long time, and I just really don't know what to do! Please help me.

There are two adages that I like to use 'if you want something in life, go and get it' and 'you should only regret the things in life you do, you should never regret the things you didnt do'.
Now it may go pearshaped, but if you like this guy you should say something to him. Soon. If you do talk to him about it the worst thing that will happen is that things will be awkward for a while. If you dont, you may spend the rest of your life wondering what if. And life is too short for that.

milkerman

Say it to him, but not along the lines of 'I have a massive crush on you'. Maybe something like 'Would you like to be more than friends?' and see what he says.

dr.bollocko

Well I really hope there is a future for you with this guy because it really does sound like you are on the cusp of a personal renaissance. It seems like you have managed to come through a tough time and are ready to fully re-embrace new relationships and a fuller life.

Regarding your initial worries, it seems to me that "Are you sure we aren't making a mistake?" is a very reasonable question to ask. You could even view it as a rather honourable question for a guy to ask a drunk partner he is about to sleep with for the first time. Perhaps he was worried about the fact that you work together. Maybe office gossip or the potential to upset the working relationship you have built up together were playing on his mind.

However, I guess you must know he likes you, I mean he did sleep with you! Hello!

With that in mind, it strikes me it may be easier than you think to actually sit and have a conversation, or text and begin a dialogue, or email and ask for a chat. The dynamics of your everyday relationship will already have changed because of this incident. I really dont see why you're holding back. You have some relationship experience and now is the time to put it to the test. If he has his reasons for not wanting to be with you, well you still have a friend and workmate. If he does want to be with you, that is fantastic, but just be sure that the guy you want is actually there behind the fantasies and day dreams you may have indulged in. Its best to lay your cards out on the table and have that awkward conversation, rather than leave everything unsaid and have nothing settled.
Above all, look out for yourself and make sure you're doing what's best for you.