Orientationless

youcancallmeal adf

I kinda lack a sexual orientation... I'm not really attracted to either sex..
nor do I really feel like I have a well defined gender either...
I suspect something may be a little messed up in terms of hormones

Anyone else out there like me?

because of all this I really don't fit into the role provided to me by family, peers and society at large... and yet I'm not entirely sure its worth shattering that role just to feel more myself when I probably wouldn't fit in as well...

Girrrrseach

Im guessing that you've experimented with both sexes to see how you feel? Have you ever been in a relationship, and if so, how did it feel / work out?

Is it a kind of.... Asexual feeling? Maybe not the best word to use.

Not to bring the tone down, but when you're masturbating what would you think of? It might give an indication as to what turns you on??

Just a thought.... :rolleyes:

spurious

OP, what age are you?

youcancallmeal adf

Girrrrseach wrote:

Im guessing that you've experimented with both sexes to see how you feel?

You'd be guessing wrong... I did experiment very very briefly quite early but it was rather er... innocent I guess would be the best word for it... hardly an indication...

Girrrrseach wrote:

Have you ever been in a relationship, and if so, how did it feel / work out?

Yep, with females exclusively, worked out fine... felt great... again no physical attraction...

Girrrrseach wrote:

Is it a kind of.... Asexual feeling? Maybe not the best word to use.

Hmm... kinda would be similar or the same as that yeah...
That may require that I have no interest in sex... and while its diminished compared to the normal male... its still there.

Girrrrseach wrote:

Not to bring the tone down, but when you're masturbating what would you think of? It might give an indication as to what turns you on??

Just sex in general... but I don't have a set role in the fantasy... if that makes sense...

spurious wrote:

OP, what age are you?

early 20s

Girrrrseach

And can you see where you would like to be in 10 years time?

Does the "married to a woman, 2.4 kids and semi detached house in Wicklow" at all interest you?

Or can you at all see yourself being in a relationship with a man?

Maybe Im approaching this the wrong way. Your problem isn't necessarily that you're not attracted to either sex, but that YOU aren't sure what gender you are...?

How long have you been feeling like this?

Nevyn

Asexuality is a general term or self-designation for people who do not exhibit sexual attraction, or who otherwise find sexual behavior unappealing.

It has nothing to do with gender Girrrrseach.


http://www.asexuality.org/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=section&id=6&Itemid=28

An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community, each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.

Relationships
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.

Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.

Attraction
Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as gay, bi, or straight.

Arousal
For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=General_FAQ

There are many things in life which are not defined by your sexuality, being a good person,
a friend, sibling ,aunt/uncle ect are roles in society which having nothing do with settling down
with a long term partner and having children.

There were always the maiden aunts and batchelor uncles who never married
and never had children and they were still apart of the family and of their community.

youcancallmeal adf

Thanks Thaedydal, thats exactly it...

Girrrrseach wrote:

And can you see where you would like to be in 10 years time?

Does the "married to a woman, 2.4 kids and semi detached house in Wicklow" at all interest you?

Or can you at all see yourself being in a relationship with a man?

Maybe Im approaching this the wrong way. Your problem isn't necessarily that you're not attracted to either sex, but that YOU aren't sure what gender you are...?

How long have you been feeling like this?

I want to have kids at some stage... to pass on what I did to the next gen or something cheez like that...

Can't see myself in a relationship with a man... but then I got brought up in a pretty conservative home... so that could change I guess...
plus it may be easier for me to have emotional relationships with girls...
not sure... this is largely what I'd imagine to be the case

My problem is largely finding a way of fitting into boxes in peoples heads...
I need to remove a lot of human conditioning... and I need random people without obligation to do so...

Girrrrseach

Thaedydal wrote:

It has nothing to do with gender Girrrrseach.

Im not giving an explanation, just asking questions to see how we can help is all.

But I agree with you. You can have an amazingly fulfilling life without conforming to anything that society expects of you. You make your own rules. You are still young, and possibly still finding out who you are in some respects. Im sure it will all fall into place for you, and don't feel pressured into "fitting into a box"

Talliesin

A lot of us don't particularly like fitting into boxes in people's heads even if we're attracted to the opposite sex.

For that matter, being attracted to the same sex doesn't mean you'll like fitting into the box some people have in their heads for that, either.

youcancallmeal wrote:

but then I got brought up in a pretty conservative home...

So the boxes were relatively tight?

Chances are you'd have found yourself hitting the edges of those boxes sooner or later in any case about something.

There's a degree to which we have to fit into some of the boxes some of the time so that we can simply get on with people, but ultimately most of us won't fit into the all the time.

What good parts there were to fitting into the role provided for you have diminished to a certain extent anyway. It's not like our lives are mapped out in particular detail any more. Even if you were happy with all the boxes chances are you would have found a lot of the boxes weren't quite as you'd thought anyway.

The only remaining advantage to the boxes is that they can serve as a short-cut to thinking about what you're actually doing with your life. Personally, I recommend thinking about what you're actually doing with your life anyway.

The one advantage having a big way of not fitting into the boxes is it makes you cop-on quicker that, well the boxes suck.

Anyone that's got an idea in their heads about how your life should go is a fool. Even if they happen to be right.

Just work out what will actually make you happy and go for it.

youcancallmeal adf

ha if I could work out what would make me happy then wouldn't life be dandy..

speaking of dandies, if I started acting like one randomly people would be awfully confused and possibly make a fuss... it seems like a lot of effort just to be happy... not that I'm all that pushed even if they didn't make the fuss..

There are so many things that I'm getting sick of but can't be bothered dealing with about the boxes... like if I express a craving for chocolate... I might get slagged and told I sound like a girl... not a big deal.. but tbh if I have to keep my secret desire for large amounts of chocolate to myself for fear of being labeled a girly man in some small way, what hope do I have of coming out to people about being interested in anything else..

Now granted thats a silly example, and I'm being facetious but I think you get the point... I feel the need to act like a man at the expense of acting like myself, same for acting straight or whatever... and I'm pretty tired of it... but have no idea where to start changing and I want to experiment but will that put me in a box that I *really* don't want to be in?

Talliesin

youcancallmeal wrote:

speaking of dandies, if I started acting like one randomly people would be awfully confused and possibly make a fuss.

Do you want to act like a dandy?

Most likely people would indeed be a tad surprised if you suddenly did so, but most would eventually see that that was part of what you do.

Me, I sometimes see people going whole hog with the dandy thing (Edwardian era high formal dress) at fetish clubs and I just think "wow, that's not my thing at all, but that's pretty ****ing cool all the same!".

youcancallmeal wrote:

like if I express a craving for chocolate... I might get slagged and told I sound like a girl.

Eh. I know I've just said that people should be themselves and so on, but there's a limit. Someone who says you sound like a girl when you say you like chocolate is past that limit and into the weirdo category.

For a start, who doesn't like chocolate?

youcancallmeal wrote:

I feel the need to act like a man at the expense of acting like myself, same for acting straight or whatever.

To be honest, it sounds like you have those categories defined a lot more rigidly than most people do tbh. Most people allow for a degree of variation and deviation with anything. Is your background really that rigid?

youcancallmeal wrote:

but have no idea where to start changing and I want to experiment but will that put me in a box that I *really* don't want to be in?

Hey, try a box on for size. You can get rid of it again.

Labels are all rubbish really, but they can be useful tools if you feel a need to explore who you really are.

What box you want to try first?