Internet Cheating?

Girrrrseach

Opinions please.....

If your found your partner had been chatting online to members of the opposite sex (and we're not talking about "hows the weather in Boston today", but more like "what kind of sex positions do you Boston people like?") would you consider that cheating? Even if they had never, and never intended to, meet up with these people?

Is there any such thing as harmless internet flirting without harming a relationship?

milkerman

Bigger question here.
If you are in a proper healthy relationship and enjoying a good sex life with a real person, Why would you want to chat to a stranger about where to put the dangly bits?
Do you have a healthy relationship with a satisfying sexual side? Ask your partner what he/she thinks.
I wouldnt call it cheating, disturbing definitely.

youcancallmeal adf

Girrrrseach wrote:

Opinions please.....

If your found your partner had been chatting online to members of the opposite sex (and we're not talking about "hows the weather in Boston today", but more like "what kind of sex positions do you Boston people like?") would you consider that cheating? Even if they had never, and never intended to, meet up with these people?

Is there any such thing as harmless internet flirting without harming a relationship?

Talking about sex is pretty normal, on and offline when you are in a relationship. Flirting for the sake of flirting is generally harmless...

If you are worried about it, mention it to them. If not, then its no big deal.

Oryx

I can talk about sex here on boards in S&S. And that, I think, is fine. Thats discussion. Its very different if Im chatting to one person in particular about sex, with a view to turning both of us on. If its something you wouldnt want your partner to find out about, it may not be cheating in the physical sense, but its definitely suspect. It means you are sharing an intimate part of yourself with another person, and hiding that from your SO.

I suppose some people can compartmentalise their lives so that this kind of long distance flirting can be no more than a bit of spice in their lives, like watching porn, but you are dealing with real people so the danger is there that it could become a real sexual relationship. (Not everyone is in the US )

6th

Flirting is perfectly healthy and flirting via the net is possibly the safest flirting there is. If the relationship is showing no cracks then whats the problem?

Kintarō Hattori

I wouldn't be worried no. Do you think your partner loves you and is not likely to stray? It's just talk after all. Your partner might be embarrassed to talk about these things with you and this is just giving him/her an outlet for that. They might also be looking for idea's that they can use in their relationship with you.

I wouldn't automatically be worried, it might very well be harmless. If it continues to bother you though, it might be an idea to broach the subject with your partner. Try to be subtle though and don't go in on the attack/defense from the start.

K-9

Could depend on how detailed the conversations are. A bit of flirting wouldn't be great and maybe even a little (any different from ringing a sex line?) fantasy play definitely not ideal, but is there webcams?

That would annoy me?

And the thing is, if you're not comfortable with it you're going to keep worrying about it and maybe be contiuosly checking on her? Not good either.

boardinwork

What's his fetish for people in Boston all about?

its emotional cheating....end of!

Oryx

6th wrote:

Flirting is perfectly healthy and flirting via the net is possibly the safest flirting there is. If the relationship is showing no cracks then whats the problem?

Your right, as long as you know where the boundaries lie. Flirting can start out innocent but develop into intimate chats. That can progress to texts, pictures, and oops-a-daisy before you know it this person is really important in your life. You may be deciding to move 3000 miles to be with them. It may be rare, but it happens!

*not everyone has your discipline, 6th

Girrrrseach

No webcams, just chat... and fairly detailed chat...

I understand that some people can relate it to ringing a sexline, or watching porn, but it just seems so real. I mean, how could somebody tell you they love you, have an amazing evening with you and then log onto a chatroom and talk sex with somebody else?

People often wonder "where is the line when it comes to cheating" and I once heard "well, if your were doing what you were doing right now, and your partner walked in, would you continue to do it?" and if you answer no, then it's cheating... Its an interesting way of thinking about it.

K-9

Girrrrseach wrote:

No webcams, just chat... and fairly detailed chat...

I understand that some people can relate it to ringing a sexline, or watching porn, but it just seems so real. I mean, how could somebody tell you they love you, have an amazing evening with you and then log onto a chatroom and talk sex with somebody else?

People often wonder "where is the line when it comes to cheating" and I once heard "well, if your were doing what you were doing right now, and your partner walked in, would you continue to do it?" and if you answer no, then it's cheating... Its an interesting way of thinking about it.

Thats a good point and would apply to the Sex line thing to. You wouldn't do it in front of your gf I'm sure.

Depends how much you trust her. If you're not ok with it, it could do your head in wondering is it going to lead to webcams and then real situations?

6th

KtK wrote:

Your right, as long as you know where the boundaries lie. Flirting can start out innocent but develop into intimate chats. That can progress to texts, pictures, and oops-a-daisy before you know it this person is really important in your life. You may be deciding to move 3000 miles to be with them. It may be rare, but it happens!

Exactly. I suppose when you are in your perfect relationship the security allows you a certain confidence and freedom to flirt knowing thats all it is.

*not everyone has your discipline, 6th

So true

celt262

i do it all the time but have never meet anyone or do i wish to.

ntlbell

I'm interested to know how you "caught" him.

did you not trust him in the first place?

PeakOutput

flirting=fine
talking about sex=fine
"cyber" sex=dump
phone/text sex=dump

meeting up behind your back may also = dump

Wibbs

Maybe I'm not being open minded or whatever, but I would take issue with the nature of the chats. Flirting is good, even to be encouraged in some ways. Heavy duty one on one sexual talk, not so much. If your partner is a bit flirtatious in your presence with others in a jokey way, that's fine. It's the fact that there's no guilt involved. With this I would imagine he would be a tad uncomfortable if he knew you knew. That's the diff. Ask yourself why would he be uncomfortable? If he's not then I would be less worried in one way, but maybe more worried in another as he surely would realise that might upset you.

misswex

I for one would not be ok with my partner talking in a sexual way one on one with another person. If it was me I would tell him I was uncomfortable with it.

Mullah

I guess the test for me would be:

Would your partner be comfortable if they knew what you were doing?

(Assuming it is you as the partner in the instance you have set out -if not, feel free to correct me).

Some couples have looser boundaries in this regard than others.

I suspect you know the answer to this one already and aren't comfortable at the outcome.

sjaakie

would you talk with just anyone about sex? i would not, i would only do that if i know the person better and feel it could lead to an intimate relationship. or i would discuss it with mates in a funny way without giving to much away.

i would most definitly call it cheating, talking that intimatly is reserved for you and your partner.

did you confront him about it?

if something is bothering you then it is disturbing for you and your partner should explain, in detail why he did it, and out of respect for you he should stop that b..lsh.t.

good luck

Girrrrseach

ntlbell wrote:

I'm interested to know how you "caught" him.

did you not trust him in the first place?

It was something really simple, I looked up something in the history of his laptop, and came across it completely by accident.... then had a look. Not sure whether that puts the blame on me for being slightly nosey... ?

Talliesin

Girrrrseach wrote:

"what kind of sex positions do you Boston people like?"

Is that an actual quote? Because that's pretty boring flirting.

Girrrrseach wrote:

would you consider that cheating?

Depends on what boundaries we had agreed in the relationship.

Girrrrseach

no thats not an actual quote at all.

I wouldnt really want to quote what was said tbh.

Think XXX and you're pretty much there.

sjaakie

what boundaries agreed on? lol... boundaries are common sense for most people, its true things like this that makes you think about the boundaries.

Girrrrseach

Boundaries were pretty much "we're in this for us and nobody else" type of relationship...

No doubt about that.

sjaakie

well.. i dont want to influence you, but it would really really really p..ss me off....... i would be furious ( talking from experience )

if your partner want to expand his sex/love horizons then he should have talked with you about it and go on that path together and not sneakily on his own.

Girrrrseach

yeah that's pretty much my thinking at the mo - Im not angry, Im more.... confused I guess. People have different ideas of what cheating is, and doing something online is sometimes safe and easy to get hooked on. I get that. I guess it has just hit a bone here, as its personal.... Im trying to be understanding and not blow it out of proportion.

sjaakie

yep... talk with him about it without losing your cool and remember: doing online things can be done together, much more fun i reckon. good luck

Talliesin

sjaakie wrote:

boundaries are common sense for most people

Why do we have threads like this then?

What's a common sense boundary for someone from a culture where women are never alone with a man who isn't a blood relative isn't common sense for a polyamourist.

Find someone with roughly the same feelings on this - close enough to be a suitable partner - and you can't just assume they'll feel the same on every little detail. Do and you'll either find that your partner is doing something you don't find acceptable or that they're freaking out about something you felt perfectly okay doing.

Life throws enough curveballs as it is if you don't go through it making assumptions.

sjaakie wrote:

its true things like this that makes you think about the boundaries.

Why not act like life is "true" before something happens?

None of us can tell the OP whether its cheating or not. Me, I wouldn't give two figs either way if my girlfriend was doing that (except possibly reading over her shoulder if any of it was any good). Another poster wrote "its emotional cheating....end of!" I'm perfectly happy in my life, that other poster may be too. We'd clearly not be a very compatible couple, but the fact that two strangers have completely different views doesn't matter.

And neither of those are going to actually help the OP in the slightest because neither of us are the OP and neither of us are the OP's boyfriend.

Ickle Magoo

It's very good of you to be trying to understand...not sure I would/could but then I have a very low tollerance for porn, infidelity, chat-lines, etc.

I suppose it all depends on what you, personally, find acceptable within the confines of your relationship & if YOU think he has over-stepped the mark. After all, it's you that has to live with him/the knowledge now. Do you feel trust has been broken? Do you feel angry & disappointed in him? Did he go to any lengths to keep it secret from you?

It may not be a physical affair but I would not be a happy bunny if I found my partner had been having XXX sexy conversations with anyone else - regardless of where the other person was at the time. In fact, the excuse that sex talk with someone from another country some how makes it ok because he's less likely to have an affair just doesn't fill me with confidence for so many reasons, not least of all because presumably if he can post from here, so can others?

Talliesin

Girrrrseach wrote:

Boundaries were pretty much "we're in this for us and nobody else" type of relationship...

Ok. That in mind, maybe he feels anything online is "not real" (some people really do think that the Internet isn't part of the real world, and act like it's a figment of their imagination). Or he may have felt anything that didn't involve actual physical contact didn't count.

With that in mind he may feel that he was still well and truly within that "us and nobody else" framework.

As such there's a good chance he wasn't premeditatively cheating on you.

As I said, whether he was cheating on you is something that only you and him can decide upon, but it is a different situation to his doing something in full and clear knowledge that you wouldn't find it acceptable.