How do you know??!

Poco Loco

A quick one I hope! Perhaps there isn't even an answer for this...

I'm a girl and I kissed my male friend the other night. Actually we did a lot more. We were on a night out and both very very drunk and ended up sleeping together. It's not something I had ever really thought about happening, nothing had ever happened between us before and it really caught me off guard. Don't get me wrong he is a nice guy, and good looking, and we get on really well. I just never thought of him that way.

And now I don't know how I feel. I have been totally single for about 2 years and haven't had a serious relationship in about 5 years. So I have actually just forgotten what it feels like to want/like someone! And I'm really happy on my own. But what if something is meant to happen with this person? I don't know how to know!

So...to put it simply...how do you know when you like someone enough to give it a go?!

TEH REAL CDP

-when you can't stop thinking of them
-when you're making noise about them and you dn't notice it (other people may)
-how would you feel if you never seen him/her again?
-do you value your own space more or do you need companionship?
-what if you could keep it casual?
-how does the other person feel?
-did that night mean anything to you?
-whats your gut feeling? are you afraid of intimacy of a relationship because of the past?

Those would be a few criteria of my own.

All the best.

Talliesin

Poco Loco wrote:

But what if something is meant to happen with this person?

Things that were meant to happen don't happen just because they were meant to happen. They happen because someone got off their ass and made them happen.

If you're even bothering to think about this, there's some continuing attraction.

Maybe it won't be enough of a spark to catch into a real fire, but why not see and find out rather than musing about it.

Froot

Poco Loco wrote:

...

Well it seems to me like it may be a convenient to feel something because (A) you were friends up to this point and (B) you have been single for a while.

Add to those two things the fact that you didn't mention any previous sexual tension and I would say at face value it was just a freak occurrence and probably is not anything more than two people/friends having sex.

Then again maybe it will turn into something amazing. I'm just saying that there is no evidence to support any previous interest so maybe look at your own feelings about being single etc and then apply the convenience of the situation you experienced to those feelings.

Best of luck either way, at least you got to have sex anyway, which is always (usually) a bonus.

Oryx

...both very very drunk and ended up sleeping together....

Its one of two things:

In vino veritas (in wine, truth). Your true feelings for him only came out when you were uninhibited when drunk. .....Or its that you just got horny and lost control when you were uninhibited when drunk.:)

This guy is a long term friend, so you do know him well. Maybe it just will take your head time to adjust from seeing him as a mate, to seeing him as a bf. If you like him, enjoy his company, and get on well, why not keep seeing him, and see how it goes. You dont have anything to lose by trying do you? There is no sure fire way to know at first if you are nuts about someone, because it can take time to develop. But when it happens, you wont need to ask. Youll know.

milkerman

Does this bloke cause you to smile on the inside if you think of him? and do you think of him often? If the answer to either of these questions is 'yes' there may be a little spark that is worth investigating.
Shagging him when drunk is not the best way to investigate though, sometimes a shag is just a shag and can be detrimental to a friendship. Was there a spark there before you did the deed?

Poco Loco

Hi,
Sorry for not getting back sooner and thanks for your comments. Was there a spark before? No I don't think so. I just never thought of him that way. I smile when I get a text/mail from him but that could be just that I'm happy someone nice is thinking of me. We're in touch every day and I like his company but what if it's just that I like company?! Sorry I'm probably wrecking your heads as much as my own.
I know these things take time to develop. But I think he likes me quite a bit now and I'm worried - I don't want to wait and experiment with this only to find I'm not that interested and then hurt his feelings or lose him as a friend. SIGH! On the point that was made about me being single with a while and perhaps this is convenient, I really don't think so - I am happy being single! I get lonely, yes. But I believe that even if it takes 10 more years for me to find someone I love, I'll still get to spend HALF my life with them! Which is fine by me. For now, I am unattached and I have no ties (mortgage, kids etc etc) so I feel I should live it up while I can.
Buuuuut what if I am passing up on this opportunity just cause I want to live it up on my own! I believe that men do that - it's all about timing with them - if they have it in their heads that they want to settle down, I think they often start something serious with the next very nice girl they meet. Whereas with girls, who knows!
Now I'm rambling, I better stop! I'm supposed to be meeting him this weekend so I guess I will know better after that...............

Poco Loco

TEH REAL CDP wrote:

-when you can't stop thinking of them
-when you're making noise about them and you dn't notice it (other people may)
-how would you feel if you never seen him/her again?
-do you value your own space more or do you need companionship?
-what if you could keep it casual?
-how does the other person feel?
-did that night mean anything to you?
-whats your gut feeling? are you afraid of intimacy of a relationship because of the past?

Those would be a few criteria of my own.

All the best.

Hi!
In answer to your questions...
- Yes I am, but moreso trying to figure out how I feel about him than thinking 'he's wonderful' all the time!
- Yes I'm doing that a bit...
- Well sad but that's cause he's my friend to!
- I really like my independence but companionship is nice too - but he doesn't live in Dublin so it's not like we would see each other all the time anyway.
- We could...but I've done that plenty before and I don't see the point in it.
- He likes me I think.
- It freaked me out. I don't know what it meant to me. I was shocked that it happened! But not bad shocked. Just did not see it coming at all...
- Yes I don't like intimacy, truth be told I'm not comfortable sharing myself with anyone really. But it hasn't stopped me from having some relationships in the past.

That doesn't make it any clearer does it!!

challengemaster

Poco Loco wrote:

- Well sad but that's cause he's my friend to!
- I really like my independence but companionship is nice too - but he doesn't live in Dublin so it's not like we would see each other all the time anyway.

These stood out for me in that post.. It seems to me that you're trying to convince yourself against it, for some reason.. I think you know that you have some sort of feelings for him, but you're just confused by them.. dont know what to do, so you're trying to make yourself believe otherwise, or so it seems to me anyway...

Wibbs

I say go for it. A good friend that you also fancy is the best kind of relationship. Take the risk. It may go tits up, but if you don't try it you may regret it.

As for how you feel about. The fact is you know the answer. Deep down you do.

randomname2005

Wibbs wrote:

I say go for it. A good friend that you also fancy is the best kind of relationship. Take the risk. It may go tits up, but if you don't try it you may regret it.

As for how you feel about. The fact is you know the answer. Deep down you do.

I say go for it too, life is too short to have regrets, if you dont at least try you may wonder what if for a long time.

Pros
*You know him
*You know he wont treat you like crap,
*You know that you get on well together
*You may have a very long and loving relationship

Possible cons
Your feelings may or may not turn into love, but if you do make this more serious and it doesnt go anywhere the worst that will happen is that things may be awkward for a while, and to be honest, they will probably be awkward for a while even if you don't go for it.

Poco Loco

Thanks, that's true. I think you're right. We had a chat yesterday and decided it was best to stay friends. But then the more we talked the more we realised we did want to meet up again and see how it goes. So....we'll see how it goes! I don't think anything serious will come of it but who knows.

milkerman

Jaysus!
Some people just dont know a good thing when they see it!
Get up off your ass and grab this guy & see where it goes.

Wish I could feel that spark again!

Poco Loco

You're probably right I think! We met up this weekend, had a great time. Very relaxed, went out in a group, had a great laugh and ended up together. He was sweet and got on with all my friends which was great. We had kind of said let's meet up again and see what happens, he was more up for it than I was but I think now the tables have turned. Of course!!! He was online today but left again after a 2 minute chat - the past few weeks we have been talking nonstop all day but today he said he's getting no work done so he's staying off it. It's kind of upsetting. I think he's avoiding me. And I think he isn't interested any more. And now I think I am. Jese, girls are impossible aren't we! Well thanks for all your advice, I think ye were right from the start but my own fault I didn't realise til too late.

Loomis

Poco Loco wrote:

You're probably right I think! We met up this weekend, had a great time. Very relaxed, went out in a group, had a great laugh and ended up together. He was sweet and got on with all my friends which was great. We had kind of said let's meet up again and see what happens, he was more up for it than I was but I think now the tables have turned. Of course!!! He was online today but left again after a 2 minute chat - the past few weeks we have been talking nonstop all day but today he said he's getting no work done so he's staying off it. It's kind of upsetting. I think he's avoiding me. And I think he isn't interested any more. And now I think I am. Jese, girls are impossible aren't we! Well thanks for all your advice, I think ye were right from the start but my own fault I didn't realise til too late.

Quite possible he just wanted to get some work done.
Or more likely he got the impression you're not into it as much as he is - you said yourself he seemed more keen. So now he's backing off. Be honest with him! Tell him you like him and want to give it a go. Otherwise the two of you will try second-guessing each other and miss the chance to see if it could turn into something great!

Poco Loco

Poco Loco wrote:

You're probably right I think! We met up this weekend, had a great time. Very relaxed, went out in a group, had a great laugh and ended up together. He was sweet and got on with all my friends which was great. We had kind of said let's meet up again and see what happens, he was more up for it than I was but I think now the tables have turned. Of course!!! He was online today but left again after a 2 minute chat - the past few weeks we have been talking nonstop all day but today he said he's getting no work done so he's staying off it. It's kind of upsetting. I think he's avoiding me. And I think he isn't interested any more. And now I think I am. Jese, girls are impossible aren't we! Well thanks for all your advice, I think ye were right from the start but my own fault I didn't realise til too late.

If I'd been talking to someone nonstop all day for ages and they said they needed to get some work done... I'd assume they needed to get some work done... call me crazy

MrBaseball

Poco Loco wrote:

A quick one I hope! Perhaps there isn't even an answer for this...

I'm a girl and I kissed my male friend the other night. Actually we did a lot more. We were on a night out and both very very drunk and ended up sleeping together. It's not something I had ever really thought about happening, nothing had ever happened between us before and it really caught me off guard. Don't get me wrong he is a nice guy, and good looking, and we get on really well. I just never thought of him that way.

And now I don't know how I feel. I have been totally single for about 2 years and haven't had a serious relationship in about 5 years. So I have actually just forgotten what it feels like to want/like someone! And I'm really happy on my own. But what if something is meant to happen with this person? I don't know how to know!

So...to put it simply...how do you know when you like someone enough to give it a go?!

Jeeze.... stop torturing yourself and just give it a go.

Talliesin

Poco Loco wrote:

I believe that men do that - it's all about timing with them - if they have it in their heads that they want to settle down, I think they often start something serious with the next very nice girl they meet. Whereas with girls, who knows!

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus? Nah, simple generalisations are from Uranus*.

This one doesn't even work as a generalisation. You're the one that seems to think you need to have a plan as to whether you are going to settle down any time soon, not him.

Take simple stock of where you are.

You are dating someone. You like them. You are not about to start picking out curtains yet. You are not on the edge of a break-up either.

That's it. Simple.

Now. Let's try head first and heart second.

Okay, for "head" let's look at it as a game where the outcome is happy long-term romantic relationship.

|You Date|You Don't Date
It works out between you|Win|Lose
It doesn't work out|Lose|Lose

So, game-theory says you should try dating him.

Let's try heart next. You're coming up with all sorts of silly reasons why it won't work out and you still want to go for it (or you wouldn't even be considering it). You're getting way too worried about the fact that the guy hasn't got time to chat online with you all day. Clearly your heart says "go for it" too.

What do you want, a guarantee? Not going to happen. Just go for it, and good luck.

* For better effect pronounce it the rude way.

Froot

milkerman wrote:

Jaysus!

Wish I could feel that spark again!

Marriage eh...:D