Which public restroom to use if you are trans

SuziQ

Hi all
This is a serious posting and I am making it here and not a specialist forum as I am looking for opinions from a cross section of people. This post is long as I had to set the scene by giving some background information.
I am a person who is confused about my gender, to the extent that I am in counselling about it. Although born male I feel that to be female would be a better and more real and honest identity for me. It is a very difficult thing to try to explain to someone who doesn’t ever have to question their gender. Most of you who read this have never had to question your gender, it’s like knowing that you have a hand at the end of your arm, you don’t ever think about it.
Now I accept that just to take hormones and have sex reassignment surgery won’t make me female but I still am sure that I certainly would be a happier person for it. Surgery, voice training, cross sex hormone therapy can just make a male body into a body with female characteristics. That is the physical part of transitioning. There is another side to transitioning and that is where a person has to adapt and learn to play a different role in society. We all are conditioned from birth to play roles- we learn from families, friends and society in general. To make the change in our society from male to female this learning process is as important, as the physical change.
That’s all I’m going to say here, I just wanted to give some background information to put my questions into context.
My counsellor has suggested that I should take the time at this point to experience as much as I can what it means to be female in society. Well in as much as that is possible for me when I am fully dressed as female when at the moment I do not pass convincingly as female. I might never but that’s a whole other debate.
I do go out in Dublin, at night times and to some of the gay bars and clubs where I am accepted for what I present as.. But that is just a small sub culture.
I would like to go out and about at other times and in society in general- like going to the cinema, bars, cafes, restaurants, shopping, those kinds of things.
I have a male friend who is not at all embarrassed or ill at ease accompanying me. I am thinking for starters about going out with him to some of the city’s bars. I would dress in a way appropriate for my age and for the places I would go to, the same goes for hair and make up. There would be no hairy arms and legs showing as I am waxed. I make the effort to blend in as much as I can. (Even I find some trans people appear so OTT by behaving and dressing inappropriately for the situation they are in that I feel uncomfortable).
Now this is my problem. My big fear, no terror, is using the toilets- which one to use? Please accept that this is a huge problem that causes me great distress. I absolutely could not use the Mens room and would want to use the Ladies, but I am afraid of causing offence. Which I really don’t want to do.
Is that a legitimate fear, would I cause offence? Should I not even consider using the Ladies?
If women find it uncomfortable, irritating, perverted, disgusting, etc for me to use the facilities is there anything that I can do?
I know a few wouldn’t be bothered but what do I say to the one who confronts me, or even the management, with her objections?
If you’ve read this far thanks for taking the time and I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts.
SuziQ

Hagar

If you are dressed as a woman use the ladies. The cubicles offer privacy so you should be ok. I wouldn't dilly dally too long afterwards at the make-up mirror. Just do what you must and be discrete. Best of luck.

00112984

That's one I haven't had to think about before (I'm female).

I think that you're probably going to potentially have a few stares regardless of which bathroom you use.

My instinct for you would be to use the ladies if you are dressed as a woman because, if people are drinking/not taking notice of you etc. you may not have too many people pay much attention.

As you never know how certain idiots might act, you're probably safer in the ladies too. Don't take this the wrong way but, if there is some form of confrontation, you're better off being faced with a bunch of girls than guys.

Talliesin

Hell, I've used the ladies when dressed as a woman, and I was just in drag to have a bit of a laugh.

If you're actually TG it seems the obvious answer really.

carryboy

Go to the ladies room. You'd have few stares perhaps on the first few days but you'd get used to it.;)

the_syco

Women love to talk, and as women can't just do a quick pee and go, there'll be queues, so ensure you have a feminine voice. By this, I mean that a husky voice is a no-no (obvious, but had to point out what I meant by feminine). Once you have a lady like voice, and some knowledge of the latest Big Brother / crap boring soap program, you'll be able to do conversation long enough that you'll get into the bogs.

The way I see it, if you don't do mindless chat, people will try to talk about something. And you don't want it to be about that one facial hair that you missed.

WindSock

I wouldn't mind if you use the Ladies at all. Just as long as you don't pee on the seat
You would probably feel safer too, you are not going to make women feel as uncomfortable as you would certain types of men.

the_syco

boreds wrote:

You would probably feel safer too, you are not going to make women feel as uncomfortable as you would certain types of men.

What the above said. A woman in the lads bog will get hit on. If you say that you are trans, they'll either be disgusted, or punch you, depending on where you are. Remember: people fear those that are different, and scumbags tend to hit what they dislike or fear.

Peared

Obviously you have thought very deeply about your situation and want to be respectful of others and that is to be applauded. From reading your post I would say go ahead, use the ladies room, you have genuine reasons for using it. BUT I think we have to remember that the women in the ladies at any given time will not have any of this information. If they notice you they will see a man. And more than likely get freaked out and a bit scared. Unfortunately the first reaction will not be one of understanding, but one of slight fear. And to be honest that reaction is understandable, especially if the toilets were out of the way and there is nobody else in them. While I sympathise with your predicament, I do think women should be entitled to use to loo without being intimidated. I do understand that this is not your intention and you are not to blame for a society that has women scared to be in a confined space with a male.

Of course not all women would react like this, and a lot, if they did notice, would probably be very supportive. I do think gay friendly bars are the best place to start going out. Maybe it sounds silly but how about approaching a member of staff at the start of the night. Explain you dont want to cause offence and ask their advice. That way, if someone has a reaction, at least there wont be a scene as the manager or whoever will know in advance.

Theres no simple answer, I think you need to take it bar by bar and day by day. I wish you luck and happiness.

spurious

Use the 'ladies' - women are not all pretty pink things - some are quite 'masculine' (whatever that is) - we come in all shapes and sizes. I have a friend who often gets stared at in the ladies and she is born female.

People who stare and hang out in the jacks have little to be doing with themselves.

Nevyn

I would suggest that you use the ladies but you would need to be aware that
if discovered you a be removed by the bouncers, barred and face proscution as it is an offsense under the law for an adult male to be in the ladies toilets.
Screwed up I know but mind yourself.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal - an offence ?
WelCum to Oirleland - one f*cked up place !

Do U know - if it is an offence also for an adult female to be in the men's toilets ?

HA !!!!!

Victor

To be honest, we all have too many hang-ups on bathroom issues.

Anyway, these days many places have gender-neutral, wheelchair-accessible toilets that one can use in an emergency (just don't hog it, someone might have diarrhea).

the_syco wrote:

A woman in the lads bog will get hit on.

I've never seen this on the occassion that a bladder-impaired female legged it for a cubicle in the gents.

Although, once I nearly fancied my chances.

Nevyn

unroggggie wrote:

Thaedydal - an offence ?
WelCum to Oirleland - one f*cked up place !

Do U know - if it is an offence also for an adult female to be in the men's toilets ?

HA !!!!!

No it is not an offence for a woman to be in the gents toilets but she could be charged with disturbing the peace.

G&T

Would have no problem,
tbh anyone who has the patience to queue for the ladies loo
is welcome there.

I wish you the best

Deadevil129

Thaedydal wrote:

I would suggest that you use the ladies but you would need to be aware that
if discovered you a be removed by the bouncers, barred and face proscution as it is an offsense under the law for an adult male to be in the ladies toilets.
Screwed up I know but mind yourself.

You're kidding me?! Other countries just use the one bathroom for males and females. Not everywhere obviously but I've seen them myself and I'm not that well travelled. Maybe I just have no shame, but I've used a guy's bathroom before and I'm female... It caused a laugh or two but I just gave the excuse "I'm desperate". Which I was...

In response to the OP as long as you're discreet I can't see you causing any major problem. I certainly wouldn't bat an eyelid, but then again I'm not everybody. If you pick your time carefully you should be fine (ie don't use a cinema restroom imediately after the film has finished, wait till the massive queue dies down.)

cooperguy

Woman come into the guys toilets all the time (I rarely see them being hit on though like some people are saying) in fact most of the time there is a bit of banter and nobody cares.

Of coarse there is a huge double standard in that a guy wouldnt be able to do that in the girls, but going by the responses on this thread maybe you should try it. Though be warned I would imagine each time you go in there may be a different reaction depending on who's in there. Getting through it fine once wouldnt mean your home free I would imagine.

sjaakie

i think you show a lot of courage in doing what you do, i wish you all the best in your decissions.
Great that you have a friend that cares for you.

with regards the toiletsituation: i am a woman, i hate going in public toilets, mainly because of the woman standing at the sinks applying loads of make up and stinking like mad from their perfums, i go in and out as quickly as possible. I dont give a sh:t about anybody in there, the way they look or what they do, i make no contact what so ever. im on a night out and having fun, the toilet is just annoying.
so... if you go to the loo, find a moment where it is not to busy there , just go into your own little world a little, dont stare , just wait till a cubicle is free, do your bussines, wash hands quickly and go out again, those girls at the sinks mainly have eye for themselves and if they are super b..ches then they look at anybody that comes in and gossip about them ( dont let that bother you in anyway, it says more about them then about you ). other girls/women that go for a pee, guess what? they go for a pee and most of them dont like public toilets.
Only once ( and i have been in many public toilets ) i saw a man ( dressed as a man ) in the ladies, he was semi drunk, i thought that was disturbing because i was not sure what his intentions were .
if i would see a man dressed as a woman ( i have seen a few were it was obvious a man ) i would stare for a second, let it run through my mind and think: yeah the ladies toilet is the best choice.
good luck