My mother has done nothing but put me down

ladylisa

All my life my mother has done nothing but put me down with anything i have ever done. I can't honestly think of 1 time in which she didn't put me down.

When growing up i wasn't allowed to go to kiddies parties. I dont know why cause my dad always wanted to bring us to and from parties. Like an anti-social kid. As tennagers i wasn't allowed to go to discos. As a result i never went out much with friends cos she never let me. Eventually my friends from school gave up asking me out. And i never kept them. I never lied to her but i should have.

When finishing school, she never thought i could get into college. She kept nagging me to get a job after my leaving cert. When i told her i was going to college she told me to go back to school so her social welfare payments could still come in for her. She never believed i could get into college, even though i knew i would. She tried her very best to distract me even while studying for exams making sure i wouldn't get anywhere in life by doing crap in them. I proved her wrong and i got into college and passed the course.

Last year when i was learning to drive. I had my driving test coming up. I put in hours and months of practice. I knew i was going to pass my driving test first time and i did. When i had my test coming up she told me it would be hard to pass first time cause my brother had to do it twice and my aunt (her sister) had to do it 11 times. What she meant it would take me 25 times to pass it. What would she know about it being hard - she doesn't even know how to drive anyway.

I now want to learn how to swim. Im 25 and living beside the sea and i cant even swim - thats bad. When in primary school they even gave swimming lessons. I really wanted to learn then but again my mother said i wasn't allowed. My dad was going to let me but she always won the battle. Just because she cant swim it doesn't mean i have to be like her. She's saying now it would be hard - what would she know- she doesn't even know how to swim herself. Anyway how would i know if its hard or not if i dont try.

Its like as if she wants me to be like her. Become a housewife, being stuck in a kitchen minding kids all day. I dont want any of that. I thought mothers always want the best for their children, but putting me down, is the best? Why would any mother do that? Is that normal for a mother?

PeakOutput

there is no way to bring this up without a huge argument so my advice is to ignore it, disregard her opinions as much as possible

~nop~

I admire you so much for making it this far without support. You are obviously a very strong person, and now you are 25 it's time you lived a life that your mother has no control over. You have to stop looking for her acceptance, her approval and start living for you.

LegacyUser

I found this post very touching. fair play to you for making it out of such a horrible situation while having absolutely nothing to your advantage. you should be very proud of your inner strength and belief in yourself dispite having a horrible upbrining. You just keep strieving for your goals, and as I'm sure you're already aware, nevermind what your mother says.

blah

My first thought is that you've achieved a lot, and it seems to be in spite of your mother's attitude, so well done you.

And my second thought is, why don't you ask her to learn swimming with you? Of course this could start an argument and might not be worth it, I'm just curious as to what her excuse would be not to do it. It might mean that you can force her to face her her own fear of failure rather than projecting it one you.

And enjoy the swimming, it's great exercise, very satisfying and fun.

ladylisa

It seems as if i lived all my life proving her wrong. I dont want to be doing that cause i know if theres something i try and cant do, she'l just say , i told u so. All her negative thoughts are really getting to me.
I have also just joined a gym to lose weight. I feel great just making the first step in losing weight. But my mother was saying that i should be more fitter to be in a gym. How can i be more fitter without a gym? The weather is crap and u cant do anything in the rain and wind.
What makes it worse is that in her eyes my 2 older brothers can achieve anything they want. She has always supported them no matter what.

metrovelvet

No. Mother's do not always want the best for their children. They say they do, but often they want to seem them as miserable as they are.

She sounds jealous and threatened by her daughter. Not uncommon. Did it get worse as you approached adolescence?

Ignore her and do what you want.

barrett1965

I don't know you or your mother, but all I can say is that it's her that has the issues and not you. From what I can ascertain from your post it looks like maybe your mum was treated the same way she is treating you now. In other words, maybe she was belittled the exact same way as you are being treated now.

cathy01

Juat a thougt, perhaps there is more going on here.
You have two brothes,
You feel they are supported more then you.
You feel this is down to your mother.
Yet you still seek her approval, support, advice and guidence.
Can I say, what ever your mothers reasons , she is doing and has done her best.
Look ahead and not behind.Take control of your own life and STOP looking for the pat on theback from your mother.
Do theses things for you.
You dont need to go to her and get her attention for all these.
STAND , ALONE, ON YOUR OWN FEET AND WALK.
cATHY

ladylisa

Did it get worse as you approached adolescence?

Ya it got worse.

spurious

barrett1965 wrote:

I don't know you or your mother, but all I can say is that it's her that has the issues and not you. From what I can ascertain from your post it looks like maybe your mum was treated the same way she is treating you now. In other words, maybe she was belittled the exact same way as you are being treated now.

Quoted for truth.
OP - Sounds like her self-esteem is so low that the only way she has to cope with it is to pull you down too. You don't have too high an opinion of her either judging by some of your comments. She knows you don't.

Did she go to college?
Can she swim?
Can she drive?
Do you think she likes "being stuck in a kitchen minding kids all day"?

She sounds to me like a very unhappy woman who has been greatly disappointed by her life. Yes, she's ended up "being stuck in a kitchen minding kids all day" - do you think she believed she could have had a chance to do anything else? There is a whole generation of women out there like her. Granted this does not give her an excuse for treating you badly, but you're an adult now and you need to start seeing the world less in black and white.

She's not jealous of you, she's resentful, because every time she sees you succeed it reminds her of what she lost the chance to do.

She's also the only mother you get.

Have you tried asking her to come to the swimming with you?
Have you asked her would she like you to help her learn to drive?
How about using a computer?

ladybirdirl

Ok,

So first off well done on all you've achieved so far - you did that yourself, no one can take it away!

Can I suggest some counselling, not saying you're mad or anything but having gone through something similiar I know it has really helped me.

You're allowed be angry with your mother, she may have been doing her best,she may not have had a great upbringing herself etc etc but she still did wrong by you & you're allowed be angry.

Just don't let the anger take you over. You're now an adult, you can minimise your relationship & you can take an adult view and say 'ok this doesn't exactly work' do I want to tackle it with her(assuming she would listen) or for my own self protection do I want to stay away from her or minimise contact. Normally I would say try not to let a rift form but sometimes you have to protect yourself.

Good luck with it all

ladylisa

Yet you still seek her approval, support, advice and guidence.

I dont seek her approval on anything. Why would i cause she'l just put me down. If i want to do something, il do it. When i was younger i would have listened to her but not now. But she doesn't have to be so negative towards me. She doesn't have to put me down all the time. Its nice to have support, isn't it?

Can I say, what ever your mothers reasons , she is doing and has done her best.

I certainly dont think she has been doing her best.

Even now with my younger brother. She's the same with him. He's still in school. But she lets him takes days off from school for no reason at all. And she'l support him and give him sick notes for not being in school. Thought mothers want the best for their kids, including education. But she allows him to take any day off. Thats not fair on him.
Even when i was in school, every friday she would tell me to take the day off to help her shop. I didn't cause mothers shouldn't be like that. Its like as if she was trying to tell us its ok not to make a life for yourself.

Its like as if she never had the opportunity to do half the stuff we have now. And she's taking it out on us.

the_syco

ladylisa wrote:

All my life my mother has done nothing but put me down

<snip>

passed the course.

<snip>

I knew i was going to pass my driving test first time and i did.

I'm finding it hard to see why you're still living at home. The best advice to you is to leave. Get a house elsewhere, and take swimming lessons.

Goto www.daft.ie to find a place to stay, and check out www.iws.ie/calendarnew.php for a place to learn to swim.

Crea

It sounds like your mother is putting you down to make herself feel better, to justify how her life has turned out. You are probably highlighting to her how much she could have achieved in her life but didn't. This should in no way change what you are doing in order to make yourself happy.
The chances are that she won't change even if you say something to her.
You do need to distance yourself from her though. If you are still living at home then move out. You can visit and phone once a week and you don't have to divulge your future plans in case she puts them down.
Please talk to your brother in case he ends up being a drop out and a dosser.
I honestly don't know why parents are like this. Some of them are just crap and that is incredibly sad for the kids.

LegacyUser

ladylisa wrote:

I dont seek her approval on anything.

I'd say it's pretty likely that part of you does at least want, if not actively seek, her approval.

And why shouldn't you? It's a perfectly natural thing for you to want when you have accomplished something.

You're not seeking it, because you've learnt that that's futile, but you still want it.

And no, she isn't doing her best, neither by you nor by your brothers. And not just to the extent that none of us do our best all the time, either.

You've pretty much detailed how you've had to do for yourself to win the accomplishments you have, so you don't need anyone to tell you that.

ladylisa wrote:

I thought mothers always want the best for their children,

Why do you think that with so much evidence to the contrary?

Yeah, that's the ideal all right. It's even possible that she does want the best for you but has a really screwed up idea of what is best.

It's a good thing that you at least do still have a place in your psyche for such an ideal of how a parent should behave. Obviously the conflict between that and what you have actually experienced is a source of upset. Sadly there is no comment about human behaviour with "always" in it that ultimately holds true.

ladylisa wrote:

Is that normal for a mother?

No. It's not normal for them to always do what is best either. It's normal for them to fall somewhere in between absolutely perfect in every way on the one hand and constantly pathological on the other.

ladylisa wrote:

Why would any mother do that?

If I had to guess, she isn't happy with the key life-choices she made (especially if she had little actual choice in the matter) and pushing you towards the same sort of life justifies them in her mind. She can't come out with a straight forward "girls are too stupid for college and too physically weak to make working out worthwhile" because there are plenty of counter-examples in the world, but she can still pick on the girl in the family and say those things are true about her. Every failure (whether through actually failing, or through not trying) "proves" she couldn't actually have achieved something similar herself and is a source of validation. It also means that there is no point in her trying to do something like that now.

Conversely, successes on the part of her sons provide a vicarious success for her and are a dividend on choices that put concentrating on their interests (whether or not it was in a way that was actually helpful) ahead of attempting something herself.

The illogic behind saying something is too hard without any ability to judge how difficult it actually is won't be at all apparent. Firstly, people always try to judge abilities without any capacity to do so (the Dunning-Kruger effect) and secondly she's psychologically invested in a view of you where you are less capable than you really are. People (all of us) generally don't use logic at all very much without concerted effort to do so. Most of our use of logic is to come up with a logical-seeming justification of conclusions we arrive at irrationally (two demonstrations of this are hypnotising someone to do something silly and then asking them why they did it, and how your mind can get into a bit of a strange state if you are doing something like hard maths that really does use logic for a long time). Bearing those two things in mind, her saying that e.g. learning to drive or learning to swim, would be too hard would actually seem pretty "obvious" to her as untrue as they actually might be.

Seem plausible?

Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. Most likely I'm wrong, it's a guess and I have very little to go on.

Let's say I'm completely right for a minute though. You now have an explanation for her behaviour and it's not really her fault. How much better do you feel?

Whatever the reason, it most likely isn't a matter of her deciding to work so that you have a constant source of negativity in your life for no good reason. It most likely is something that one way or the other isn't very happy for her either.

If you come to a conclusion as to an explanation it may help you feel a bit better about things, but you'll still be in mostly the same situation that you are in now.

Whatever is going on with her, any long-term change from her will have to come from her. All you can do right now is minimise how much effect the negativity has on you. Moving out might be worth considering for a start.

Some time down the line you might feel that you want to confront her about this, but if that's not going to be all bad (and even if it goes well, it'll be partly bad - it certainly won't be pleasant) you'll need to do so from a position of strength. When you've made something of your life (which of course, you want to do anyway) maybe she'll be unable to deny that you've done so.

But for now, just concentrate as best you can on ignoring the negativity and doing what you want to do.

5uspect

I agree, you should really move out and start your own life.
You've got a college education and, from what we've seen, some serious willpower. Thats something to be very proud of.

Sometimes the best way to sort someone out is tough love. If your mother is trying to drag you down then maybe you should remove yourself from contact with her for a period of time. Go traveling abroad for example ensuring that contact is essentially one way through postcards and the like. This may result in major arguments but thats not always such a bad thing.

~nop~

ladylisa wrote:

I dont seek her approval on anything. Why would i cause she'l just put me down. If i want to do something, il do it. When i was younger i would have listened to her but not now. But she doesn't have to be so negative towards me. She doesn't have to put me down all the time. Its nice to have support, isn't it?



I certainly dont think she has been doing her best.

Even now with my younger brother. She's the same with him. He's still in school. But she lets him takes days off from school for no reason at all. And she'l support him and give him sick notes for not being in school. Thought mothers want the best for their kids, including education. But she allows him to take any day off. Thats not fair on him.
Even when i was in school, every friday she would tell me to take the day off to help her shop. I didn't cause mothers shouldn't be like that. Its like as if she was trying to tell us its ok not to make a life for yourself.

Its like as if she never had the opportunity to do half the stuff we have now. And she's taking it out on us.

REMOVE YOURSELF FROM HER. YOU'RE 25.

Your brother is a different problem as he's still of school going age, but it's time for you to MOVE ON

Zillah

It won't be easy but you're really going to have the face it and admit that you will never get her to stop being like this.

Get away from her. Not half heartidly, just stop seeing her on a daily basis. She is poison, you deserve better.

milkerman

Hi,
Most of us are fortunate with the parents nature give us. Some of us are not. Just remember that there will always be people with 'issues' and you will meet them in so many ways - psycho mum/dad, school bullies, work bullies, sadistic teachers, alcoholic partners etc etc.
Fact is, you are conscious of your mothers faults, she has not brainwashed you into thinking you are inferior and you are showing independant thought. That is the most important thing. Get a job, move out (into a fleapit flat if need be) and if you mother continues to give you crap just tell her where to stick it. Also tell her that if she wishes to enjoy the privelage of your company in future she needs to change her attitude.

Sad thing is, you will not change her. She will not be able to resist the odd dig at you, but you will be in a position to throw a dig back at her. You should maybe also talk to your Dad and tell him how you feel, If you are really upset he may develop the balls to speak up.

You deserve respect for taking her feck*d up BS for so long and not cracking.

Heinrich

There seems to be more to this than is contained in your few paragraphs! You write a very negative post, claim to be sucessful with your education, driving and now a determination to learn to swim - YET -you are 25 years old and still living at home with the mother who keeps putting you down.

Can you not get a decent job with your educational qualifications and get your own accommodation? It would be interesting to get your mother's version...

The Corinthian

ladylisa wrote:

I thought mothers always want the best for their children, but putting me down, is the best? Why would any mother do that? Is that normal for a mother?

Unfortunately parents are human, just like anyone else, and thus will have the same failings as anyone else. One of the things that is very common is that a parent will behave in a very selfish manner and manage to even justify it on the basis that it is for their child's good (even if it plainly is not).

I'm sorry to say that if what you say is true then your mother is unlikely to ever change her attitude or accept your choices - let alone be proud of your achievements. She's lived too long in the facade that holding you back was for your good to accept any other reality. The best you can do is learn to handle her for the future to limit the negative effects. As has been suggested you need to put some distance between the two of you.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote:

Unfortunately parents are human, just like anyone else, and thus will have the same failings as anyone else. One of the things that is very common is that a parent will behave in a very selfish manner and manage to even justify it on the basis that it is for their child's good (even if it plainly is not).

Yea, I know myself on that matter. OP I shared similiar to what you experienced but not as bad as yours. I was let to discos pretty early and things like that when I hit me teens. But when I was a kid I was always not allowed to go to my friend's birthday parties, usually me being the only one out of my class not showing up which resulted in my classmates thinking I was a selfish git. Was never allowed to sleep over in a mate's garden in a tent, even though he was my next-door neighbor and, again, I'd be the only one left out.

Then when I was about 12 I wanted to learn the guitar so badly but my mother refused my pleas because: "Ara, sure where would you get lessons? What wrong with the accordian or the tin whistle?" She's a ceili dancing teacher and so was vigiourous in trying to get everyone in the family to learn Irish tradiontal instruments, anything else was avoided like the plague! I then asked again when I was 15 but I ended up getting tricked into joining the town's brass band cuz she said: "You join the band and I'll get you a guitar" Of course that turned out to be shíte. In the end I saved up enough money from working and other methods to buy an electric guitar and amp and taught myself how to play. I'm just sickened I never got the chance to learn when I was a young kid.

Then ever since my Junior Cert my family have always believed I'd fail every year, I always heard the family talking in the next room while I was studying every year with: "What are we going to do him?". Nobody thought I'd make it into college and, just like you, they started making me apply for about 8 - 9 permanent jobs after leaving cert AND while I was half-way through my 1st year in college. Hell, when I was filling out the CAO form I found that my parents had filled it up with nothing but nursing courses, you know, so I could have at least a respectable job. Naturally I fixed that situation pretty quickly because I wasn't going to be shoved into something I had no care about. Nobody in the family ever had faith in me to succeed yet outside the house people congratulate me on my cartoons, movies, audio serials, other stuff I'd do.

Anywho, long story short; I put myself through college and I got a 2 certifications in Radio & Sound Engineering and a degree in IT in which I'm now working in a solid job. The Radio & Sound course required me to go to Dublin to finish it off but because the family had no faith in me I lost out on that oppertunity, despite my lecturers insisting I go and take a career in Media. No matter how many times my family put me down I always took it on the chin, picked myself up and kept going. Now, if they disapprove of something I go and do it regardless.

Well done, OP for being able to put up with what you had to. I've seen so many people become so easily wrapped around a mother's finger to the point that their own personality is affected but you appear that you stuck it out through thick & thin, you've achieved a lot.

Dudess

cathy01 wrote:

You have two brothes,
You feel they are supported more then you.
You feel this is down to your mother.
Yet you still seek her approval, support, advice and guidence.

It's common (and natural) for a person to seek approval from the very person who under-appreciates them - probably because they SHOULD appreciate them.

Can I say, what ever your mothers reasons , she is doing and has done her best.

Where on earth did you pull that gem from?

r3nu4l

Well original poster, congratulations on getting this far. A lot of other people have said what I was going to say. Your mother has some issues, appears to be unhappy and wants to project that unhappiness onto someone else.

So I'll address the part about having to be fitter before going to the gym...that's rubbish.

I would suggest that you go to the Fitness forum and read the stickies because losing weight effectively is 80% diet, 20% exercise! You'll really have to modify your diet a lot (I'm guessing) and that may mean another opportunity for your mother to attempt to thwart your efforts. If you need support and motivation, you'll get it in the fitness forum!

If you want to build bridges with your mother, try taking her shopping (for her), for lunch and maybe suggest learning to swim with together (as already suggested).

lucernarian

I can't say I had much to offer to the OP compared to some of the wonderful posts by users and guests. I just want to echo some of them. You've got to remove yourself from that situation. Staying at home with the folks is not helping you it seems.

Sorry for having to ask this, but what is your support like?? I mean, have you friends or a partner who'll stand by you and help you out?

I know a friend who is living in a very rural area. Suffices to say, it's the mother who she can depend on, and the mother is also a typical housewife. She's the one who wants her to do a good degree in Uni. It's tough when the put-downs come from either parent. You're not alone in this. Hope that helps.