Could my boyfriend be gay?

zipy

Hi there, I have been reading these boards for a long time now but never felt the need to post until now.

I have been with my partner for 9 years we have always had a healthy sex life until about the last 3 months, but I feel he is not as keen as he used to be. Obviously I began to question myself and wondered if he had stopped being attracted to me. He has begun to spend a lot more time on his own, especially on the computer after I have gone to bed. Eventually I decided to look at the history and was both shocked and disgusted to find he had been watching a lot of gay porn and browsing a lot of gay issue sites.

Also he had almost stopped going to company social events but recently has started attending more of them again. I do know that a gay colleague has recently joined the company, I am trying my hardest not to associate the two but my better judgement tells me they are.

At the moment I am in shock and don't know how to approach him about it. What can I do, I am devastated.

Karl Hungus

zipy wrote:

What can I do, I am devastated.

Accept the truth and move on. Clinging to the remnants of a relationship like this would be a disaster, when you know deep down it's not going to end up where you want it.

lucernarian

I'm sorry to hear it. If it makes you feel better, it genuinely is a case for the old cliché: "It's not you, it's me".

I'd suggest you confide in a friend or close relative, for sympathy and support as much as looking for advice. 9 years is a very long time, and it's not good to rush into saying something to him immediately.

Give it a week to get over the initial shock, take it easy and talk to him about it when the time is right.

Finally, don't let this go under the carpet. The air needs to be cleared between you, whether he's just curious or is bisexual or is gay and wants to leave you. You'll be better for it in the long term if you can sit down and talk to him about it calmly.

Wibbs

Why is everyone so keen to do the whole movin on thing. This is a 9 year relationship we're talking about here, not some fling. Chances are good they have a shared life together. It appeared to be OK(sexually at least) up to a few months ago. It does deserve a bit of a struggle before firing in the towel. If nothing else there are lots of things to be learned here. Will it continue? Who knows, but communication is the key.

Now this is an issue and a big one and you need to sit down and talk with your partner about this. Find out, cards on the table time. He may be gay, he may be bisexual. He may be turned on by such images, but not want to partake. It takes all kinds(I know one woman who if she had to look at porn would like to look at two women getting it on, but would not describe herself as a lesbian). He may even be going through a need to explore the gay side of himself, but it may be mentally or he may want to go the physical route. Who knows, but both of you need to confront this. If you can't communicate your way through this then his sexual preferences, whatever they may be, are not the only issue.

dcm

What age is he? Maybe he was young and 'confused' when he got with you.
I think you should read up on gay issues before u talk to him, I'm sure he has some in his favorites/history.

Also, check his histroy see if he has lesbian porn

azezil

You've been together 9 years, surely you can talk to him about it?

LegacyUser

Well, to answer the question in the title, yes he very well could be gay.

He could also have a bit of an attraction to men that he wouldn't want to take any further than looking at porn, or which he could take further but which still doesn't preclude being attracted to women also.

If he's completely gay, well things are pretty much at a dead end. Chances are he isn't. In this day and age the reasons for a gay man to spend 9 years in a sexually active heterosexual relationship are a lot less than they used to be. It does still happen but it's increasingly rare.

Given that the chance are he isn't completely gay, let's leave that aside.

If you'd found porn involving women on the computer, and sites around other sexual issues and noticed his becoming more interested in company events coincided with an attractive single straight woman joining the company, then you'd still have issues.

Something has triggered a down-turn in your relationship. This happens. It could be other stuff going on in his life, it could be a lack of libido on his part (I know that seems strange since he is finding a sexual outlet through the porn, but porn requires less effort on his part and men increasing their use of porn at the same time as spending less time on their partner often comes from a decline in libido). It could be a serious matter and it could just be a lack of energy on his part that'll come to pass.

Focus on that more than anything else.

MojoMaker

Why don't you register and dole out your advice from a registered account instead of ripping off one of our members?

philologos

azezil wrote:

You've been together 9 years, surely you can talk to him about it?

I agree. Why ask and confide in other family members before asking your partner.

Ruu_Old

MojoMaker wrote:

Why don't you register and dole out your advice from a registered account instead of ripping off one of our members?

He is one of our regulars, I can confirm that. His original account got messed up.

Aard

If he's gay then he's probably just as worried/confused about it as you are, as well as being concerned about how you'll react when/if he tells you. Tell him what you found and talk through it - don't make any judgements until you're both on the same page.

DublinWriter

zipy wrote:

Eventually I decided to look at the history and was both shocked and disgusted to find he had been watching a lot of gay porn and browsing a lot of gay issue sites.

I'd say that he is. If he was bi or bi-curious I think he'd just be into the porn and not be bothering with the issue sites.

I'd also say that he feels completely messed up about it within himself and probably hasn't even admitted it to himself yet. I've a couple of gay friends and coming out in Ireland, even in this day and age, is no smooth ride.

nacho libre

I would like to know how someone who is gay could fulfill you and himself sexually for nine years and then leave you with doubts in recent months? Either he has been a very talented actor up to this point or he is bisexual and has become attracted to another man or it's possible he has lost romantic interest in you.
I'm sorry if either of these is the reason. No one posting here can really give you a satisfactory answer. Best thing to do is to talk to him.
It won't be easy by any means but it's necessary for you. also, if what you suspect is actually true you need to do it for his sake too. Good luck.

ronbyrne2005

Buy a strap on!

dudara

@ ronbyrne2005.

Please read the forum charter and post in a constructive fashion.

dudara

Victor

Could your boyfriend merely be experimenting / thrill seeking?

zipy

Hi,

I made an excuse to him earlier about cleaning up the IE history & favourites section. I expressed surprise at some of the links and tried to gauge his reaction.

He laughed it off and said he was just looking at some stuff sent around in joke emails at work. When I asked him about things like gay personal sites he said the same thing.

I left it at that for now. I'm kinda glad I mentioned it at least but I'm disappointed I didn't follow up a bit more. I'm going to try again tomorrow.

Anyway, today I bought some Irish Mist which we're enjoying now - just to see if I can get him in the mood and see what happens. I love the man very much and don't want to lose him.

As upset as I am today, at least one funny thing happened. When I opened the front cover of the Style section in the Sunday Times today there was a Dolce & Gabbana ad with an incredibly attractive guy. That made me laugh for some reason - maybe the irony I guess. I left it lying around open in the sitting room to see what would happen. He picked it up and read it!!!! He's never even glanced at that section before.

I guess you have to laugh or you'd die crying.

philologos

Maybe he is telling the truth, and you are being paranoid. Where's the trust?

Nick_oliveri

Hard one to judge really. None of us knows exactly what his major attractions are. I'd tend to go with the experimental/bisexual thing but theres no way of knowing.

Theres always a time when a sexual spark starts to fizzle out and lovemaking becomes less frequent. His feelings probably remain the same and i hope hes mad about you but i wouldn't freak out or go detective at this stage.

If you confront him again, however hairy the situation might get.... be prepared for any outcome. Think carefully before you say something. If your find out he is bisexual or experimental you could even bring some fantasy play into the bedroom, be it sexy talk or whatever and not what a previous poster has suggested. This might seem weird but all fantasy play is just that..fantasy.

If it comes down to it, and he makes it clear that he has stepped back from the relationship and the attraction he has to you, you have to spend some time apart and hes got to figure out things on his own. There is always someone you can talk to and we never sleep here on boards.

dermo88

It depends how old he is. If hes in his late 20's, early 30's, I'd worry about it a bit. Its no easy thing. The older he is, the less likely it is to happen, but I've seen a few late bloomers in my time. Frankly speaking, I hope he is'nt, for his own sake, and for yours. Its clear as daylight that you are good together.

But I have to point out that sexuality is not set in stone. If I came down to the nitty gritty, I would say that men are into the visual and physical, and women are into the spiritual emotional side. Thats the basic bottom line of it. The two converge later on. Thats why dating happens, and I advise anyone, gay or straight to avoid hopping in the sack until it feels right in the head and heart, not right 'below the waist'.

People do look at strange stuff sexually. We just don't talk about it. Its a messy, complex game. We don't like talking about it, it makes us shift uncomfortable in our chairs, and go cold, often with those we love the most.

Every so often, things like this do happen, and people do get curious. Depending on his background, he could be blocking it. The one way you have of avoiding this is avoiding a sense of shame. If hes ashamed, he'll close up like a clam, and you'll never find out. So be humurous, and love him.

Take care, and I wish you many happy years together

D

Slutmonkey57b

If he hasn't suggested going to see a musical, you're still in with a chance. He could just be curious.

the_syco

He could be curious, bi, who knows. If you want to frighten him into hiding his history, go ahead. Or you could talk to him about it. Judging by your reaction, I doubt he'll want to, though.

Pigman II

What sort of gay porn does he watch? Two guys or two girls?
I have a harddrive full of hot lesbo action but it certainly doesn't make me gay (I think? )

Carrigart Exile

zipy wrote:

Hi there, I have been reading these boards for a long time now but never felt the need to post until now.

I have been with my partner for 9 years we have always had a healthy sex life until about the last 3 months, but I feel he is not as keen as he used to be. Obviously I began to question myself and wondered if he had stopped being attracted to me. He has begun to spend a lot more time on his own, especially on the computer after I have gone to bed. Eventually I decided to look at the history and was both shocked and disgusted to find he had been watching a lot of gay porn and browsing a lot of gay issue sites.

Also he had almost stopped going to company social events but recently has started attending more of them again. I do know that a gay colleague has recently joined the company, I am trying my hardest not to associate the two but my better judgement tells me they are.

At the moment I am in shock and don't know how to approach him about it. What can I do, I am devastated.

He's curious, as much as the macho lads on here won't admit it, people are very curious about gay sex. One thing about porn on the internet it can desensitise desire, hence his libido going down. Ask him to spend less time on teh PC and more time on you.

challengemaster

Carrigart Exile wrote:

He's curious, as much as the macho lads on here won't admit it, people are very curious about gay sex.

definatly true. its not a 'macho' thing. its more the fear that people face. people get scared when they start to like these things/get curious about them/show interest. they're afraid to question themselfs, and what they know, and question their sexuality - for fear that they're not completly hetero. People see what they dont understand/know about as something thats not right, or dislike it also. because of the stigma (however, not so much recently) about sexuality, people are so afraid to question their own, for fear of what they might really be, and not "normal".

lucernarian

Fair play to you for sounding him out about it.

The reason I said to talk to someone else first is that people can say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment, making it all worse. I'd say to talk to the partner immediately if it was a short-term thing, but 9 years means something. Getting a second opinion from someone I trust would be how I'd deal with potentially relationship-ruining information.

Btw he's seems to be afraid about coming clean on what he feels (understandably so). That sort of material really does not strike me as the sort of joke work members talk about. And who only looks at work jokes when their partner's gone to bed? But he's given you his answer, so mabye you can talk about why the sex life has been suffering lately. I hope your second chat worked out.