I feel left out of everything.

LegacyUser

Background: I'm 20, boyfriend is 24. Friends are all 20. Boyfriends friends are 20-22.

I have been going out with my boyfriend on and off for two years now. I seem to have drifted apart from my friends this summer, mainly because we are so busy with working etc but also because one girl in particular and I do not really get on anymore so I have been slightly excluded as she is rather bossy and invites the others places. Anyway, they are all away at the moment (I was invited but because of work I couldn't go).
I am working two part time jobs at the moment and haven't had a day off in
over two weeks.

I last saw my boyfriend on Thursday night/Friday morning, we went out with his friends (I wasn't feeling well so went home early). Neither my boyfriend or I are in work until 6pm tonight (Sunday) so I asked him would he like to do something with me in the day time, a few days ago. He said yes but there is a football match on at 4. I said that was grand, we could do something before hand. I asked him again today what we'd do, and he said that the lads were coming over to his at 2 to watch the match warm up. So, slightly dissapointed I suggested maybe having lunch together but to this he replied, "Meh, then I'd have to get up really early."
So, basically he doesn't really seem to want to spend time with me that much. It feels like I make all the effort. My friends aren't around at the moment and I am kind of lonely just working all the time and going home doing nothing.
I amn't looking for suggestions to join a club or anything because I really don't have the time with work and I will be quiting one job when I return to college in a few months. I just wanted to see my boyfriend every few days and he told me, when I complained he wouldn't see me that "it's like i'm in prison, you're so selfish".
He thinks spending time with me is like "being in prison". All this makes me think, is this really worth it if he doesn't want to see me, only when it absolutely suits him.

Another thing is, he works quite long hours himself, in a pub, but he goes out most nights Tuesday- Saturday, only usually staying in on a Monday, after work because he goes with people from work and they get in free, then usually to an after party until 6am. He has been doing quite a bit of drugs lately when he goes out, mainly because of the work crowd's influence, coke and pills usually. I amn't really into this, I enjoy it but don't have the energy for it, nor heavy drinking (a hangover will last all day) so I usually only go out once maybe twice a week.

I think we are becoming too different, with him being such a party animal and me becoming less of one (I think i am less of one because i have few friends now, I can go out with my boyfriend's friends but feel self concious and don't know what to say to them). I don't fit in with this scene he is part of, I don't like the music/drugs.

I just don't know what to do, I feel really lonely lately and my boyfriend makes it clear he prefers spending time with his friends than me. Two very good friends of mine moved abroad earlier this summer who I really do miss, maybe that's what it is.

I don't even know why I am posting this, does any one have some advice for me?

Thanks for reading if you got this far

LegacyUser

To be honest, your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.
He'd rather stay in bed than see you, well that says it all. Chuck him.
Maybe your friends don't like him and that's why they are gradually distantsing themselves from the heavy drinking and drugs culture he's into.

Are any of your friends in college with you? Maybe when you go back you'll find yourselves hanging out more during the day and you won't be as lonely.
The summer can be lonely because everyone is in different places and going on holidays and stuff.
Maybe things will be better for you come autumn.

cocopops

You deserve soooooooo much better. Chuck him, he's on the road to nowhere if drugs are concerned and remember 'Don't cry over someone who won't cry over you'. As for the friends situation, sometimes it's better to have different cliques of friends so you always have people to fall back on, i know it works for me. I had a similar situation with a bossy friend taking over so i went and did my own thing and in no time at all, some of the other group started coming out with me cos they thought she was bossy too and didn't have the guts to stand up for themselves. And eventually her influence faded out.

Maybe save up a bit of money and go visit your friends abroadfor a few days. Maybe there's people at work you get on well with??? My advice is to suggest a night out after work and work from there, (it also makes your time at work fly cos you start having real stuff to talk about instead of chit-chatting with your colleagues). You'll meet someone new who'll treat you right in no time. Good luck

dcm

How long has he been acting 'selfish' etc? Maybe he wants to take it easy for a few weeks. Just keep asking him to go places for the next month or so, and see how he is acting, he's prob just really busy/stressed right now [this week?]..
Move focus off him and hang out with other people, do other things when he's not around..

jd83

Tbh i would dump him and move on, its seems that he is more into his drugs and partying than into you. There is a lot better out there for you. You should get rid of him and start going out and enjoying yourself with your friends. Your young your in college you have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to find someone special. Go out enjoy yourself dont let some waster drag you down. It seems that you have changed everything to suit him and he has done nothing. Relationships are all about comprimise. Good luck op hope you sort things out.

LegacyUser

Reading through this I mentally started composing a reply where I analysed quite a few different things you wrote.

It would have made for quite a long post.

Sod it though. Bottom line, you know it's a waste of your emotional energy and you're mainly with him because the situation with your friends makes you less happy about the idea of not having a boyfriend.

Just dump him already.

LegacyUser

heyheyhey wrote:

The summer can be lonely because everyone is in different places and going on holidays and stuff.
Maybe things will be better for you come autumn.

Yeah that's true, I'm used to going away a bit in the summer and all this working is sort of depressing, I don't think I've ever worked this much!

cocopops wrote:

Maybe save up a bit of money and go visit your friends abroad for a few days.

I hope to visit them in September for a few days, it is a good idea thanks.

dcm wrote:

How long has he been acting 'selfish' etc? Maybe he wants to take it easy for a few weeks. Just keep asking him to go places for the next month or so, and see how he is acting, he's prob just really busy/stressed right now [this week?]..
Move focus off him and hang out with other people, do other things when he's not around..

I didn't say he was acting selfish as such, just he didnt want to see me. He hasn't been making much effort with regards to us for the past few weeks really. He is usually very busy, he works really long hours, some days starting work at 3pm then finishing at 2am so I don't expect to see him all the time. He exaggerated what I was requesting into, "Why do I need to spend every free moment with you" even though this is not the case at all, nor what I want.
I called him and told him to let me know when he wants to do something. The thing is at the moment, I haven't got much time either but with him I can see him for an hour whereas with other friends, you would usually spend more time in one go with them, if you get what I mean.

He was very good and listened to me moaning/crying about my life last night on the phone. I said I felt like no one like me anymore, I can't socialize properly when we go out and end up feeling stupid because i don't know what to say or do around people (because lately we have been going out with his friends because mine aren't around). He told me to stop feeling sorry for myself because it's making myself feel worse, which is true. I guess every one just wants to feel wanted and popular. He said it's not that he didnt want to see me it's just he was really tired. (He ended up sleeping until 4pm today)

Thanks for all your replies, I know some of you think I should break up with him but realistically, I'm not going to do that because I really love him and he loves me. I just wouldn't be able to do that right now, I'd be lost with out him (we've tried breaking up before, it never seems to work, we cant seem to stay away from each other)

MojoMaker

Have you become less attractive to him over those 2 years?

LegacyUser

Eviee wrote:

I'm not going to do that because I really love him and he loves me.

That's nice. Now, what are you going to actually do about it?

Eviee wrote:

(we've tried breaking up before, it never seems to work, we cant seem to stay away from each other)

You're doing something wrong there.
Breaking up and getting back together keeps the drama levels high. A relationship then becomes about the drama. There's a small part of all of us that likes drama. We need that small part to not go completely insane when drama is inevitable, but on-off-on-off will eventually mean that it's all about the drama and nothing else.

Eviee wrote:

Background: I'm 20, boyfriend is 24. Friends are all 20. Boyfriends friends are 20-22.

In the past I have argued strongly about the whole concept of "age difference" in relationships, but there's a warning sign here.
I wouldn't normally identify 20 and 24 as even having an age difference, but I'd be looking at this from a position of having had friends in their teens and friends in their fifties.
It could be a matter of chance or circumstance, but I'd be curious as to why all of his friends are a couple of years younger than he is.

Eviee wrote:

He is usually very busy, he works really long hours, some days starting work at 3pm then finishing at 2am so I don't expect to see him all the time.

yeah, but...

Eviee wrote:

I am working two part time jobs at the moment and haven't had a day off in over two weeks.

Things are crappy in this regard for both of you. It happens. Either you manage to deal with that anyway or you don't.
If you're both too tired to do much together, then can you at least be the people you do little with?
I'm doing very little today; a much-needed break. Doing very little is much more enjoyable here with my partner than on my own.

Eviee wrote:

He exaggerated what I was requesting into, "Why do I need to spend every free moment with you" even though this is not the case at all, nor what I want.

Either you are indeed demanding this, or he is acting like this is the case. Either way this is not something that's going to sort itself out just because you love each other.

Ultimately it's a question of what you get out of the relationship.

Is it just love? The ISPCA can get you a dog that'll love you.

Is the relationship making you more than you can be outside of it? Are you happier because of it? Can you be? Is the same true for him?

If you can both make the effort, and enjoy making the effort then you just have a temporary matter of crappy hours that can be worked through.

If you don't then you've just got a source of unhappiness in your life.

dcm

It's worth thinking about how your situation could change in the next few months i.e your friends will return, going on a holiday, or changing jobs.

~nop~

He's not there for you when you need him, and he should of noticed the changes going on in your life himself anyway.

If I were you I'd dump him, and you can start your life from there too. Also do try and get back in contact with your friends. They're what you have to fall back on, and you could start suggesting things to do instead of leaving it up to the bossy one - they're probably all sick to the teeth of her anyway.

Eh, you sound like the person in this thread
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055130396
except you have little contact with your friends so you're looking to the bf to fill in some of the gaps, I suppose
Well, you insist you don't want to break up with him, and he doesn't seem to give a damn in general if he thinks getting up for lunchtime is "really early" and too early to meet you; he also thinks seeing you is like being in prison. What exactly are you looking for here? We can't make him interested for you, and I doubt he's going to change that much anyway?

if you've broken up before and "can't stay away from each other" it sounds even more like you're just depending on each other as a fallback and would be better off without each other, hard as it may be. especially since you're not hanging around with friends so much and so you want some social contact
tell him you need to ask him seriously if he wants to put any effort into the relationship anymore and that you will too. if he responds with "ugh more nagging", well you have your answer

also curious why all his friends are younger?

LegacyUser

'

MojoMaker wrote:

Have you become less attractive to him over those 2 years?

I don't know, I don't think so, it doesn't seem to be like that.

Talliesin_b0rk wrote:

If you don't then you've just got a source of unhappiness in your life.

It's definetly not a source of unhappiness. The thing is yes, I have been working every day but not very long shifts, some are only 4 hours whereas his shifts can be 12 hours.

Re: his friends
He has friends that are 20,21,22,23,28 right up to 30, all different ages, but theres one group which are aged 20-22/23 but some of those are 24 also. I think it is just chance of the friend age gap nothing important. He left school early and didn't go to college so doesn't have friends exactly the same age as him, maybe that is why.

The thing is, maybe he was just having a bad day because he is calling me up asking to see me tonight when I am finished work. I also saw him last night, I went out with some newer friends I have and he went to the same place after he had finished work and I had a really nice time with him there.'

LegacyUser

'

bluewolf wrote:

Eh, you sound like the person in this thread
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055130396

I read that post and it is nothing like that. My boyfriend and I went on holiday together in July for 10 days and see each other way more than that OP and hers do. There is nothing similar, sorry! And we will talk on the phone every day if we don't see each other and he will always take my calls. Sorry, I'm not her!'

Sleepy

OP, are you sure this guy loves you at all? Cos if he consistently would rather just get sh:tfaced rather than spend time with you, it sounds like he's just leading you on cos he likes the (ir)regular sex.

Eviee

Eviee wrote:

'

I read that post and it is nothing like that. My boyfriend and I went on holiday together in July for 10 days and see each other way more than that OP and hers do. There is nothing similar, sorry! And we will talk on the phone every day if we don't see each other and he will always take my calls. Sorry, I'm not her!'

For someone who insists there's no similarities, you're saying sorry an awful lot...

he thinks being with you is like being in prison. other person's bf thinks she wrecks his head.
you and your bf work a lot, possible problem with meeting up, except he goes out with mates most nights and isn't bothered meeting you. her bf works a lot, as does she, possible problem with meeting up, except he goes to the races most nights and isn't bothered meeting up with her.
it seems he's not using you as much as the other thread, but I see similarities. Plus you're having the friends issue as I said and it's all hitting home at once.
Personally, I think it's time to call it a day.

LegacyUser

'So I ended it with him. He was shocked and said he didn't want that but I felt we should and he said he couldn't make me stay with him. But now, I feel worse. I'm even more lonely. I can't call him up or text him like I used to be able to. I feel much more depressed now.
I went out with my friends tonight and the one who is bossy sort of turned on me and shouted at me over something really minor* which she over-exaggerated. It was really horrible, I can't really deal with confrontation, I end up crying so I just turned around and walked away because I did start crying. She was being un-necessarily cruel to me. My other friend came outside to me and I told her what happened and she said it's not fair how the bossy one gets to dictate to the whole group about everything and everyone seems to follow her lead. I joined some other friends then in another bar because I actually wasn't able to get into the bar my friends were in because I forgot my i.d and it was a birthday and they couldn't exactly leave (nor would I ever ask them to!)
So I really miss my ex now. I miss talking to him and just being with him. It feels like i don't have anything to get up in the morning for. I don't want to be with anyone else right now so please don't say, "you'll find someone", i don't want that as such, i just want to be able to stop feeling sad and to stop thinking about my ex all the time and to stop wanting to call him/text him.
If I do call him or see him, he doesn't really want to talk very much. He just says, "You ended it, not me."

*i went up to her and was about to say, oh i didn't get in, but before i could open my mouth she demanded why i told one of the girls something i had seen; which was another girl (not the bossy one) cheating on her boyfriend. i asked my good friend, were the girl who cheated and her boyfriend still together and she said, yes why? i said oh because i saw her with another guy. i didnt say it in a gossipy way or to spread rumours. my good friend wondered aloud should we call another girl and find out what the story was, i said no. so my good friend told that girl tonight and it got back to the bossy girl that i had told the both of them, when i had only told one, in an innocent way. very complicated sorry!'

Star Lord

I think you were right to chuck him, an it's only natural to feel lonely after you end a relationship! Call one or two fo your friends and invite them over, or to go out together, or go to the cinema or do something together! Don't wait to try to meet a bunch of them at once, cuz chances are that bossy one will be trying to dictate again. And if she does, please, do not be one bit scared to stand up for yourself! If you do, it will make you suddenly feel a whole lot better about yourself!

Storm_rages

hi Evee..
I think you did the right thing thing in dumping him, you don't want to be with someone who does not make an effort.. (and to be honest i read it thinking i bet he wants her to break up with him!!) any way i don't really have any advice apart from just take it a day at a time and try not to worry about people who are horrible to you (easier said then done). Just try to hang around with the girls who are nice to you and enjoy being single for a bit..

LegacyUser

Storm_rages wrote:

hi Evee..
i read it thinking i bet he wants her to break up with him!!

You mean like he treats me badly so I break up with him rather than the other way around so he doesn't look like the bad guy. Is that kind of what you mean? Yeah I know, it's probably true.
I'm just doing my best not to call him up. It's 5pm now and I haven't today and I'm going to work soon so hopefully I won't call him at all. If he calls me, should I answer or ignore the calls?? If I stop calling him, he is bound to call me, I know what he's like. But if I ignore the calls, he'll keep calling. To be fair to him, he always answers when I call so maybe I will answer but keep it short.

Eviee

Eviee wrote:

You mean like he treats me badly so I break up with him rather than the other way around so he doesn't look like the bad guy. Is that kind of what you mean? Yeah I know, it's probably true.
I'm just doing my best not to call him up. It's 5pm now and I haven't today and I'm going to work soon so hopefully I won't call him at all. If he calls me, should I answer or ignore the calls?? If I stop calling him, he is bound to call me, I know what he's like. But if I ignore the calls, he'll keep calling. To be fair to him, he always answers when I call so maybe I will answer but keep it short.

Would it not make it harder on you if you call him or answer when he calls?
If he calls, let there be a point. If it's to chat, say bye. Other than that, leave it or you'll be back where you started

Storm_rages

hi, yea i was kinda thinking that (the he was horrible to you in the hope he would) Hope you are doing ok today.. (take it a day at the time)

LegacyUser

'I have been doing ok I guess but we are still in contact I know we shouldn’t be but it is hard, we share the same circle of friends and there has been a few nights recently where we were at the same place, once for a mutual friend’s birthday.

To get over someone, the majority of suggestions on this board is usually, go out and enjoy yourself, spend time with your friends join a club or society !
Ok, so I do go out and enjoy myself but I don’t want to get in to the situation where I have done before, where I feel the need to be going out because I am missing out and where drinking with friends makes me feel better.
Spending time with friends: I am trying. The bossy girl is obviously still not my friend (and I don’t wish to change that) but I have been seeing other friends, but at the same time, people are busy, they have their own lives. I am also busy, still working in my two jobs.
The times in which I am finding hard are times like tonight, I finished work at 10pm, and I go home. It is too late to ask a friend to do something really, so I go home and can’t stop thinking of my ex, he is out right now I know he is because he always goes to this place on a Tuesday with his friends. It is these times, when I stay home because my friends aren’t going out and I don’t want to go out but I can’t stop thinking of him out and what he is doing. Maybe he is meeting new girls and this hurts me because I am at home still not over him. I don’t want to keep going out, I can’t afford it and it’s not good for my health to go out lots.
I want to know how I can get over him in these uiet times which I spend alone where all I think of is how alone I am. Or when I am in work or on the street and I see couples, middle aged or elderly or whatever and it makes me so sad. I feel like no one will want me. Yes they will want me, I’m not naive but not in the way that I want. I feel like all the men I’ve met just want women for a short time then dispose of them and move on (not just from personal experience). I’ve seen so much infidelity around me, like people I know and such and it really just makes you have no faith in people at all.
I am also jealous of how my ex and his friends spend time together. With my friends, we must make a plan, like to go out or do something. With his friends, they live near each other and together and they go over and hang out and watch tv together or go for a pint or two. I crave these simple social activities, it seems no one has time to do these any more, things must be organised.
I don’t even know why I am posting here?!'

LegacyUser

'I know my situation isn't as bad as the other ones on here but I do feel a little lost if any one has any advice for me?
Thankyou'

LegacyUser

'So now my ex (of only a week) is meeting up with another girl already. This really hurts me. I saw them out tonight. He told me he wasn't going to the same place as me so I felt ok to go there and he turns up and they are both there.
I'm not jealous of her, but more of him that he can move on so fast. I want to meet someone, maybe just to feel a little better, wanted even. There are so many gorgeous girls in Dublin but less beautiful men or so it seems. It seems these pretty young girls are at his beck and call because he is very good looking. Whereas I get no attention from any guys only middle aged men. I don't think I'm ugly, but I can't be sure!
I don't want to jump into another relationship. I just want to feel better about myself, I don't want to sleep around either just that feeling of being wanted, maybe a little kiss.
I feel so stupid.
What should I do??'