Mother very stressed.

LegacyUser

Apologies for long post but the issue is a bit complicated.

Bit of family history might help first: My grandmother is going a bit (well, a lot) senile at this stage. My uncles are all up in Dublin while my aunt and mother are down in Cork. But my aunt lives a long way away from my grandmother so it's not very convienient for her to go out.

The main problem tonight is taht my grandmother fell today and has given varying accounts of what happened. I've been out there with my mother and she doesn't appear to have any real injuries apart from a small cut on her leg and she may or may not have hit her head.
When my mother got home she phoned my uncle (the useful one) because my grandmother was supposed to phone him when we left. She didn't. Then there was a huge amount of phone calls back and forth going everywhere in the midst of which my uncle said that my grandmother could have a stroke in the middle of the night and that my mother should go out and stay with her. But my grandmother said no when this was put to her but then my uncle told my mother to go there anyway.

The end of it all is that my mother is really upset. The main reason for this is that she's always the one that's called if something bad is happening or if my grandmother wants to go out or something. The stress is really begining to get to her. And I have no idea how to help because I'm basically just an idiot. My father does try and help but always makes things worse because he really is just about as smart as I am.

This really isn't fair on my mother and I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice?

Nevyn

If your grand mother needs assistance then her children need to have a family conferance and get in touch with the local health nurse to find out what services are advailible in the area.

Yes it does usually happen that 1 child ends up being the medical gaurdian and ends up sholdering most of the burden which is unfair and unfortunate,
even if thier parent ends up in a home.

Your Mam is going to need all the suppor she can get.
I suggest that you help out as much as possible at home ( even if you don't live there, popping around with shopping or running the hoover can be a huge help).

Also so make sure she takes care of herself be it walks or swimming to destress or a pampering session or massage and couselling if need be.

DAVE_K

I've been there and the truth is no matter how strong yer grandmother is she is mortal, she will die soon-ish. Be there and be strong for your mother.. She will thank u in the long run

Beruthiel

Thaedydal wrote:

I suggest that you help out as much as possible at home ( even if you don't live there, popping around with shopping or running the hoover can be a huge help).

Agree with all that Thaed has said, expanding on the above, (incase you haven't noticed at home just how much exactly your Ma does) hoovering and food shopping as mentioned, washing dishes, cooking, washing clothes, cleaning of bathroom, dusting, changing of sheets, mowing the garden - the more help you give her with that stuff the better.
It's all of the above, day to day stuff, that can break a person if they already have too much on their plate. You helping with that gives her a breather and she will be so very grateful and proud of you.

tbh

yeah, I'd agree - I've been there too. Talk to the HSE and see if they offer any kind of respite care - maybe a nurse could pop in a couple of days a week to keep an eye on things. Also, as others have said, if you pop in yourself whenever you can it's a big help. Just have a chat with your gran and don't worry if she can't really follow the conversation. I noticed it in my Nana before she died, she'd drift a little bit in conversations, like she couldn't really remember what we were talking about or why. Just keep the topics light, if you have to talk about the weather for an hour, so be it - in truth, I'd love to have just one more conversation with my nana. At least that way your mam will know that your gran is alright.

luckat

The family have to turn this around so it stops being about conflict and starts being about co-operation.

Family conference, absolutely. And they'll have to arrange some schedules for who can do what when, so it's not on an emergency, ad-hoc basis.

Yes, talk to the HSE, and talk to the Alzheimer Society (http://www.alzheimer.ie/) who will have experience of this situation and knowledge of how to deal with it.

There are now *very good* drugs that slow the progress of Alzheimer's in the first few years - if they're suitable, your grandma's doctor should put her on them straightaway.

But she also needs to be living with other people. When you're old and wandery, you can't remember to cook regularly for yourself and take care of yourself.

Of course, it's her own decision, but if she can be lovingly persuaded to move in with one of her children, this, with the drugs if they're suitable for her, will mean that the disease doesn't progress fast.

If she does move in with someone, she'll probably be cranky and a miseryguts at first, but with love and coaxing - and the good cooking that she probably hasn't had regularly if she's wandering - she'll become her sweet self.

Sometimes it's possible for someone to live a bit of a peripatetic life - with one son or daughter for a few months, then with another and another.

Oryx

My grandmother died, not exactly from, but with Alzheimers. It is extremely stressful to live with, and people who are not living with it 24/7 often dont realise how hard it is. Visitors never understood how senile my gm was, she could stay focussed for short spells. But eventually she forgot who we were, and kept wanting to go home (she lived with us and my aunt alternately). It was very sad. My mum and aunt shared responsibilty, but the stress made them both ill.

You really need to get your family to help here. They need to understand exactly whats happening with your grandmother at every stage. Right now, if you could get a home help you will most likely manage, but you all do need a plan for when things get worse. Going to stay with you gm right now could end up turning into a long term thing for your mother, and while she may want to do this, I wouldnt recommend it, as there is no timescale here. You dont want your mum getting ill too.

Electric

Have you spoken to the HSE about home help or respite care? Also are there any neighbours who are willing to pop in to your Gran for a few minutes a day to see how's she doing?

The more people there are to help out with the caring the easier it is (but it's not like it's easy to do in the first place).

Before my Granddad died we had to give him 24/7 care. It was exhausting emotionally, physically mentally. Actually I think it's impossible to describe how weary it made you. And it was something we wanted to do and chose to do!

I agree with Thaed helping out at home will be sooo appreciated! Making dinner, washing hoovering, shopping etc will mean that your Mum will have a bit more time on her hands and make it a bit easier for her to cope with what is in reality a situation unlikely to improve.

Also you might want to consider spending more time with your Gran and sending your Mum off to have a lie down or walk or just time to herself.

Any little bit you do to help will be fanastic and she will be so proud of you!

G&T

Idiotson(I think not)

Your post made my heart melt,
I think if your mom has the support of you and your dad that will mean alot.
Do try and help in the house and make her tea when
she is stressed(cure for all ail's)

Why not also give your nice uncle a call and explain your concerns to him.
I understand they cant be there mid-week but can they not come at weekend's and give your mom a break.

*HUG*

hardCopy

Hey OP, my own mother just went through a similar situation, she was the only child left in the country so my auntie and uncles couldn't do much to help. All you can do is try to help your mother out as much as possible, take a turn visiting your granny when you can to give your mother a day off and do as mch as you can around the house.

Also if your mother is completely snowed under throughout your granny's illness she may distance herself from the emotional side of dealing with an illness, so be prepared to support her if it all hits her at once in a delayed reaction.

Also bear in mind that your relatives may feel guilty at not being around to help so tread carefully when asking for help/criticising.

The fact that your looking for advice shows you've enough cop on to realise how hard it is on her, just stick by her and do what you can. Good luck