Another few

mickrourke

Harry is walking down the street with a bag of donughnuts when he meets Tom. "Tell you what", says Tom, "If i can guess how many doughnuts are in the bag you're carrying, you give me one of them". "That would be a good trick" says Harry, "In fact, if you guess how many's in this bag, I'll give you both of them". "Ok", Tom says, "Four".

So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?", He said, "Ok then". I said "Nearest the bull starts". He said "Baaa", I said "Moo". He said "You're closest".

After examining a 3,000 year year-old-mummy an archaeologist announces that it's the body of a man who died of a heart attack. "How can you tell?", asks one of the students. "I examined a piece of parchment found in the mummys hand", replied the archaeologist, "It was a betting slip that said "5,000 on Goliath".

My wife made me join a bridge club, I jump off next Tuesday.

A Chicken is playing in a football match and scores 2 early goals. "You're very good", says the referee "Do you train hard?". "Yes", replies the chicken, "But it's not easy. I'm a laywer so i don't get much free time." On hearing this the referee pulls out the red card and orders the chicken off the pitch. "whats the matter?" says the chicken. The ref replies "Professional Fowl"

A health specialist is giving a talk on well being in a village hall. "The best way to start the day is to do five minutes light excercise, and five minutes of deep breathing", says the specialist, "Then i take a short hot shower and feel rosy all over". A voice from the back of the hall shouts "Never mind about the shower, tell us more about Rosie!".

How did the bad golfer hit 2 good balls?
He stood on a rake.

A man goes to the doctor with a painful leg. The doctor hears a tiny voice coming from the mans kneecap and listens with a Stethoscope. The kneecap keeps saying "Lend us a tenner, lend us a tenner, lend us a tenner....". "My ankle hurts too", says the man. So the doctor listens there and hears another little tiny voice saying "Lend us a tenner, lend us a tenner, lend us a tenner....". The doctor tuts and says "This is worse than i thought. Your leg is broke in two places."

My Granny died on her 90th birthday. It was a terrible shame.
We were only half way through giving her the bumps at the time.

I have now spent all my money on Taxis.....
Anyone offer me a lift?

darkskol

mickrourke wrote:

"Never mind about the shower, tell us more about Rosie!".

How did the bad golfer hit 2 good balls?
He stood on a rake.
[/I]

Good

EricM

i didnt get the one about the chicken.

vorbis

very good
fowl is a word for chicken
profession as in lawyer

a professional foul gets you sent off in soccer.

The Bollox

I got the chicken one (it's a fowl, and it's a laywer, which is a profession), but I didn't get the granny one

Zapp Brannigan

The Bollox wrote:

I got the chicken one (it's a fowl, and it's a laywer, which is a profession), but I didn't get the granny one

On someones birthday tradition dictates they must receive an amount of punches that equals their age.

The Bollox

oh, lol. that's a new one to me

eddiehobbs

Zapp Brannigan wrote:

On someones birthday tradition dictates they must receive an amount of punches that equals their age.

no no no, the birthday bumps is when you get thrown up in the air for the amount of years of your birthday.

tonc76

Do people not get birthday bumps anymore?

Or do people just not get jokes any more?

Capt'n Midnight

mickrourke wrote:

Harry is walking down the street with a bag of donughnuts when he meets Tom.

IIRC the original goes something like this

A poacher carrying a bag was stopped by a gamekeeper. And the poacher says "if you can guess how many phesants I've got in the bag I'll give you both of them." So the gamekeeper guesses "three" and the poacher says "nah it's just the one."

tonc76 wrote:

Do people not get birthday bumps anymore?

Health and safety apparently.