Half siblings of adoptee's

MaryMagdalene

Question I just want to throw out. I met with the Adoption Agency yesterday and have decided not to initiate contact with my 22 yr old daughter. I am on the contract register so when she decides she is ready I will be available (she contacted them 4 yrs ago and then withdrew but I only found out this year). She is not on the contact register. She grew up knowing I was in contact via agency so I guess that she doesn't quite have that "emptiness" that some adoptees seem to have and maybe that has given her some comfort and security growning up. However we do have reason to believe this contact was iniatiated without the knowledge of her adoptive parents so that may be a factor - I don't know.

My question is my 1yr old daughter with my husband. Is it better to tell her about her " older" half-sister as if its normal and she will just grow up with the idea OR not tell her until she is say 16/18 when maybe she can deal with it like an adult(ish)........??? Anyone out there grow up knowing / not knowing? Any Birth Mother out there who has gone through this?

Also from adoptee's point of view I assume she would want my daughter to know that she is her half sister?

Also any husbands point of view would be welcome as we both have different points of view on this.......!!!

The_Conductor

As an adopted person- when I contacted my birthmum, it was out of the blue for her. She has a number of children, none of whom were aware of my existence. When she told some of the older ones, they took it very badly- particularly the eldest. It must be hard on people to find out of the blue that they're no longer the eldest child- that someone else, who they have never ever met, is older than they. I guess there is no way of trying to predict how someone will take things- but personally I think that adoption is shrouded in secrecy, and not letting your daughter know that she has a sister out there somewhere is prolonging this secrecy. She will probably be thrilled to know she has a big sister- and dying to see her. Likewise your elder daughter will probably be thrilled when you do make contact, to hear that she has a little sister who is dying to see her. Take care- S.

holly_johnson

I completely agree with Shane's post. I would tell my child too - although maybe when she's old enough to understand. The secrecy issue is huge still in this country.
I would love to meet my half brother and sister but they know nothing about me and my birth mother refuses to tell them.

MaryMagdalene

Thanks S and Holly, I too am soooo fed up of the secrecy (and shame attached - I was only 15). Only my closest friends and immediate family know and it was very difficult this time being pregnant and the whole birth and having to pretend it was my first time to all my in-laws, work collegues etc.

Worse again I felt that I was rejecting my daughter all over again by denying her existence. However I just didn't feel it was the time to announce it to the world and I didn't want it to overshadow all my own joy in this pregnancy. I really wanted to enjoy it all from beginning to birth, with no guilt - and I did. It is also my husbands first child and the first grandchild on their side.

I think I had made up my mind to tell my little one anyhow but just wanted other peoples opinions before doing so. I agree at 1yr is too young to even understand but over the next few years we will find a way to introduce it. My own family are always pushing me to contact her and her older cousins all know about her.

Do you agree with my decision to let the contact come from her? Given all she knows etc. and that she hasn't put her name on the contact register? Is it easy for adoptees to register?

holly_johnson

I don't know about the register as I went through the orphanage, but I think if you're happy to leave the contact to come from her, then so be it.

Personally I would have loved if my birth mother contacted me first, it would have made me feel that she really did care and wanted to meet me; but like I said that's a personal opinion and others may react differently.

If as you say she is already on the register then she has obviously thought about it and I imagine she will come back to it when she feels ready.

The_Conductor

It was easy to register, when the Adoption Authority distributed registration forms to all homes in the country. A lot of people did not register at that time, for various reasons. It is possible to contact the Adoption Authority for an application form by phone- and they'll send you one out, to fill and return to them.

Personally I don't see that you should necessarily leave contact to her- but you should let her know that you'd love to hear from her, and then leave the ball in her court. The fact that she tried to contact you via the agency a few years ago- would indicate that she is very likely to welcome contact from you, but she could also be very busy in her life at the moment, there is no way to tell.

Best wishes,

Shane

MaryMagdalene

Thanks for your input - I will mull things over for another while with them in mind.......