Blew it.

LegacyUser

AH Jaayzs!

Hi, Long time lurker here. Im pretty sure Ive blown it & I need perspective coz Im in fookn pain!

Its like this. Im a 27yo M.
I met this girl on the internet, dating website etc. We seemed to get on great, even sent a few flirty txts. So I asked her on a date, or rather to meet up and she aggreed.

So it went fine, we hung out on Sunday, did some stuff like sat on a park bench, lunch, shopping...
So yes yes I can sense some laptops being raised in anger here, so yes yes yes, I have most likely fallen into the dreaded friend zone or been transferred to the other ladder or whatnot.
I did make it clear that I thought she looked nice/cute etc, but I know I know, I didn't make it sufficiently clear that I saw myself as a potential lover etc.

So basically I screwed up. Well thats how it feels. Feels bad.
I did, for most of my life, suffer with depression. Long term no letup. I have no experience with romance because of. Either that or I was a very ugly young man ;-). But seriously, I just couldn't, thats just how it was.

Good news is, I to a significant extent kicked its ass about 2 years ago. Since then Ive been very good, grumpy, messy, irritable & eccentric too its great.

So of course, filled with confidence, did I leap into this date situation. I figured, hell well, all I need to do is turn up!.

This, unfortunately, turns out not to have been the case..

I have a lot of catching up to do, and I feel to an extent time is running out for me to do it in. The more I learn, the more I learn how very ignorant I am in this area.
I screwed up this one, but any help/advice on how to not be so sad, and/or improve my form over this for future away games, would be greatly appreciated.

impr0v

I think you're over-reacting if you've only met her once. If it went as bad as you think it could be that you just didn't hit it off face to face; it happens, it doesn't necessarily mean much. Online, you're deprived of many signals and a large amount of the chemistry factors so, while it may seem as if there's a lot of promise there in the text communication, it won't always be the case when you meet in the real world.
Restart, try again, don't obsess about it or try to read too many harbingers of doom into one encounter going bad.

davyjose

Even IF you are in the friendzone, don't just burn your bridges. A friend is never a bad thing. And hey, she's bound to have at least one female friend, probably lots more.
But really it sounds like your throwing the towel in waaaay to early here.

PeakOutput

i doubt you are stuck in the friends bracket after one meeting seriously its not like she is going to be ringing you up asking you for advice on what shoes to wear just yet.........

ask her out for dinner next time and see how you get on

Caliden

Turn on the heavy flirting. For example if it's late at night and oyu're texting/IM'ing her say something like, "heading to bed now, wish you in it with me "
Or something equally cheesey like that. There's nothing wrong with female friends but the female friends are usually girls I don't fancy for obvious reasons.

LegacyUser

Well, I just got a mail this morning after I posted, she sez it just didn't click. I think I was much shyer than she thought I would be. Exactly what I thought too, so correct me if Im wrong but it does sound final enough to me at this stage.

Maple

Don't see how you've been relegated to the friends zone myself to be honest. But ask her out again, this time maybe for a bite to eat and see how it goes from there.

py2006

NeedPerspective wrote:

AH Jaayzs!

Hi, Long time lurker here. Im pretty sure Ive blown it & I need perspective coz Im in fookn pain!

Its like this. Im a 27yo M.
I met this girl on the internet, dating website etc. We seemed to get on great, even sent a few flirty txts. So I asked her on a date, or rather to meet up and she aggreed.

So it went fine, we hung out on Sunday, did some stuff like sat on a park bench, lunch, shopping...
So yes yes I can sense some laptops being raised in anger here, so yes yes yes, I have most likely fallen into the dreaded friend zone or been transferred to the other ladder or whatnot.
I did make it clear that I thought she looked nice/cute etc, but I know I know, I didn't make it sufficiently clear that I saw myself as a potential lover etc.

So basically I screwed up. Well thats how it feels. Feels bad.
I did, for most of my life, suffer with depression. Long term no letup. I have no experience with romance because of. Either that or I was a very ugly young man ;-). But seriously, I just couldn't, thats just how it was.

Good news is, I to a significant extent kicked its ass about 2 years ago. Since then Ive been very good, grumpy, messy, irritable & eccentric too its great.

So of course, filled with confidence, did I leap into this date situation. I figured, hell well, all I need to do is turn up!.

This, unfortunately, turns out not to have been the case..

I have a lot of catching up to do, and I feel to an extent time is running out for me to do it in. The more I learn, the more I learn how very ignorant I am in this area.
I screwed up this one, but any help/advice on how to not be so sad, and/or improve my form over this for future away games, would be greatly appreciated.

Woo, you just described my life basically! Except you have one up on me! You had the courage to ask the girl out and go on a date! Fair play to you!

Don't assume your in friends zone after one date! Friends zone comes after plenty of dates were nothing happens!

Ask her out again!

LegacyUser

I have to agree with the others here, I think you're throwing in the towel too early. You've only met her once, what did you expect would happened? A girl doesn't always make up her mind the first time she meets you... well, ok, she might decide she hates you after meeting you once but the friend / lover thing can take longer.

btw... You haven't mentioned how it actually went, did you get along well together? have things to talk about? did she laugh at your jokes?

Most importantly, will she meet you again?

Wibbs

NeedPerspective wrote:

Well, I just got a mail this morning after I posted, she sez it just didn't click. I think I was much shyer than she thought I would be. Exactly what I thought too, so correct me if Im wrong but it does sound final enough to me at this stage.

My unvarnished opinion? The bit in bold says it all for me. Game over basically. Now you could try to pursue it but now you're coming from a much less advantageous position of trying to convince her you're different. Much harder than when she met you first with expectations of what you might be. Then she was open to jumping your bones and was basically looking to tick the boxes when she met you to back up that idea. Now she's ticked the box of "it didn't click", that's vaguespeak for there were parts of your personality* that turned her off. You're on the back foot here. You're in a box marked non boyfriend material. If it was me I'd move on to the next as trying to pursue her know when she appears to have made up her mind could put you into saddo territory.

Plenty more where she came from. Then again I do like a challenge, but if you're as shy as you say that's going to be an uphill struggle with this particular woman. Now if you do ask her out again, don't make excuses for your last date, do bring her on an actual date, cinema meal that kind of guff. Walking in the park and shopping you do with your pet dog and friends, not someone you're trying to get it on with. That's third or forth date territory, after you done something physical. On that first date, make it clear you find her attractive, but don't overdo it. "You look really well", when you pick her up kind of thing. You can get the point across by a look when she comes back from the bar walking towards you. Don't go down the route of doing impressions of Homer looking at a donut and you'll be fine. Don't mention the depression in your past at this stage. At all. Kiss of bloody death. Time enough for that guff later. All of the above will help with the next woman anyway even if you crash and burn with this one. Fair play for asking her out in the first place though. Keep that going.


*Not your actual real personality, just the bit you showed her because of shyness.

K-9

The "didn't click" doesn't sound good. I'd move on.

Try the online thing again, sounds like your quite good at it if you's met. Plenty more out there!

As Wibbs said, I'd avoid the park, shopping thing for the first few dates, especially if you are a bit shy. Go for a few drinks, helps with the shyness!;)

the_syco

NeedPerspective wrote:

she sez it just didn't click

Best possible answer. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes it clicks, sometimes not. Put it this way: ye had the balls to ask one girl out, the next one will be easier to ask.

LegacyUser

Ok, wow, theres some priceless advice up there.

So I decided what I would do. I figured the first posters here were right I probably was over-reacting whatever the case was.
Bottle of smoke was right in that friendzone thread in that I was probably just saying what I thought she wanted to hear.

So I figure Im going to cop on. It was only a date. Im not obsessed with this girl at all, there are plenty more hotties of course. This was really more about a sense of failure.
So like Wibbs said, also in another thread, I think also being myself would serve me best in the long run.

Yea we just didn't click on the day like Improv & syco said. Interesting I hadn't thought how that could happen. But I absolutely knew it myself on the day sure. And sure why would I personally want to be in a dead end like that?. So I wrote to say yes I totally aggree, and that we are cool its all good. Bcs like Davyjoze said...possible good looking friends, that would be sweet..

I had already asked her out again before, for drinks, but I wrote actually you know what forget about it and to say nothing more about it, but I would like to head out sometime with your friends too since sexy girls usually have sexy friends (or something like that). She then writes 'maybe' we could actually have a drink sometime (this clearly in the 1 on 1 phrashing I had suggested earlier)...

Have I pulled it back?, fook! I dunno, but you know, honestly I think probably I would really only have her like me for who I am, not some mad cool doode.
And also take it a bit slower with making my own mind up about whether I think it could actually work out or not.

---
(So what happened on the date FemaleFriend asks. The salacious details eh...well I musn't be too specific but we did have plenty to talk about.
At the start was best, yea I think she was laughing at my jokes throughout etc. Later with the shopping etc., well my eyes glaze and brain turns to musch while doing that for over 5 minutes, so that turned into a bit more like a zombie movie for me at that stage)
---

Thank you all for this advise and help, it should be very very useful. I would have ye're babies, but unfortunately medical science has not advanced far enough at this present juncture. ;~)

LegacyUser

'Ok, here's an interesting update,
I sent the mails as explained in my last post to the girl mentioned. I mean it too. And then she, asked ME out....!!!!

To a disco type place.

Well Im exhausted with this. Ive slept only a few hours since this all happened, and still can't seem to eat properly. Which may partially explain why my brain is going bleuuuuuuuuu. Oh boy.
I'll try to get some sleep tonight though.

Anyway, irrational mind numbing fear/terror aside, this really is completely new territory for me, aaaagh.
Possibly I'll be back to talk about how to act in Disco's with girls! I think I'll start the beginners course right away over on the teenage disco thread ha!'

K-9

Well need perspective - sounds like Sense of humour wasn't the problem anyway.

It's amazing with a lot of girls when you mention well lets me friends how it turns things around. Usually works. I think its the female response - "why does he want to be friends - why doesn't he fancy me?"

needperspective wrote:

And also take it a bit slower with making my own mind up about whether I think it could actually work out or not.

Yeah, its your choice as well, not just hers.

As, I Said before shopping is a bad choice at the best of times, never mind first date. To day out rather than date.

needperspective wrote:

Well Im exhausted with this. Ive slept only a few hours since this all happened, and still can't seem to eat properly. Which may partially explain why my brain is going bleuuuuuuuuu. Oh boy.
I'll try to get some sleep tonight though

Don't worry too much, you'll get nervous and twitchy! Keep with the online dating too. Yoy aren't going to marry her, yet! and having one or two on the backburner is always good to know.

sodrisc

Just remember it's only one date with one girl. If this doesn't go amazingly there's thousands of other girls out there. Worst case scenario is that you get a bit of dating practice in so that you're more confident next time.

Also, while I don't go for shy guys myself, I have tons of friends who do, so don't try to change yourself too much just to please a particular girl!