advice re ex

LegacyUser

hi, i would really appreciate some advice- have a long story but will try make it as short as possible,
was going out with a guy who i thought i would marry (one day) we wer together 3 years, had built a house together and he had planned to propose to me in a month (after we split). he wasnt the greatest guy and would be very moody, slightly aggressive and selfosh(sounds great doesnt it!). I was mad about him but felt pressured to get married so i broke up with him- 2 days later i went to his house and found him in bed with the local bike!then he went out with her for 9 months.i was in shock and my life was sooo messed up after that- it took a very long time to get over. he tried getting me back by ringing and writing letters- we met up once as i was so messed up in the head, i wanted something to stop the pain.. that was 1 and half years ago. I was getting letters from him declaring love and marriage up unitl 6 months ago- i ignored them. im now with a great guy for the last 10 months, but i go another letter yesterday from my ex claiming that he still loves me and wants a chance to make it up to me- 'he made a big mistake'. My head is so wrecked because although i could never take him back and i love my boyfriend, the letter still brings tears to my eyes. why do i feel like this?

Oryx

My head is so wrecked because although i could never take him back and i love my boyfriend, the letter still brings tears to my eyes. why do i feel like this?

Because you loved him. Thats hard to put in a box and throw away. Id say lots of us still carry a torch for people we once loved and you do think 'what if'. But at least the rational side of you knows that it didnt and couldnt work. He did make a big mistake. A huge one. But his regret has nothing to do with you now. You may be fond of him, but you need to continue ignoring him. Any contact or reply might be seen as encouragement.

smiley666

The end of a relationship can be as traumatic as a death. However, with death there can be a certain amount of closure because the person is no longer physically in your life.

Those tears are healthy. It is like grieving for the life that you had once planned for yourself with this man. And also for the pain that he caused you. Think back to how hurt and confused you were when it ended. A year and a half later you have found someone else and couldn’t take him back. The pain has lessened considerably in 18 months. You can be sure in another 18 months it’ll hurt even less.

How deeply is this affecting you? If it is really distressing, ask him to stop making contact with you, if he refuses, threaten to report him for harrassment.

Just remind yourself how moody, aggressive and selfish he was and how lucky you are to have found someone else to love. Memories are all you have of this man and those memories will only hurt you as much as YOU allow them to.

LegacyUser

'both posters offering very good advice there..

We all know couples break up. We all know people go through pain related to break up.
But no one ever talks really about the fact that sometimes putting something to bed isn't as easy as you would think, because you loved someone. Which is what the tears are all about, and the history between the two of you. It's a question of letting go.

The sad thing is that this is something that everyone has to come to terms with, you still love the person and it can hurt very much. But you have to resolve putting him away in a box in your head.

If you are happy now with the person you are with now that is what matters.
Most people have to go through this and its not unusual, its just about letting it alone and letting someone go.

Your ex will also come to this point in his head at some stage, and that might hurt you too!
Because he *will* eventually move on and stop writing those letters.
Make sure that you hold no hope. Be very sure you are focusing on the person you are with now, and the person you are now.'

LegacyUser

'thank you all for your relplies and advice!
xx'