accepting choices gracefully

EdChigliak

I was with my ex for 4 years and split a few years ago.
basically it boiled down to being too young, I wanted to go and have adventures, he wanted to cling to me too tightly, but I think we loved each other alot and managed to stay pretty good friends through all the subsequent relatonships and break ups etc.

He is currently involved with a woman he met on holidays recently, she is alot older than him and he impulsivly agreed to help her have a child. I cant get my head around why he would jump into such a hugely signifigant situation with a complete stranger. I want to be supportive, and to maintain a friendship with him but Im finding it difficult to accept what seems to me an incredibly stupid decision. I initially tried talking to him about it but I think the enormity of the situation hadnt hit him yet,I found myself getting angry with him for being so blase and our friendship has suffered. Now I feel Im being pushed out of his life (understandably, I suppose)

No-matter how much I disaprove of his current situation, he is getting on with his life in his own way and its really none of my business, especially as he doesnt seem to want me in it anymore, obviously he has other priorities now, but Im finding it hard to just up sticks and forget a friendship that was so important to me and that I for one have put alot of sweat and tears into.

So I guess the question is, how do I bow out gracefully and without getting bitter over being ditched for something I cant understand?

Nevyn

It sounds like he wants to settle down and you did not and you have to accept that he did not wait for you and get on with your own life.

MrBaseball

EdChigliak wrote:

its really none of my business

Exactly. You broke up with him, now he's with someone else. You attempted to convert your relationship into a friendship,because that was what you wanted, it hasn't worked out long term, just walk away. You'll get over it.

Kurumba

OP that's not a nice situation for you to be in, it must be hard.

But the thing is he is in a new relationship now, he has made his choice to help this woman have a child.
This was his right to make that choice, no matter how you think he might be hasty with the decision or whatever, in the end it was his own decision to make.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you are not his girlfriend anymore so you can only offer advice if he asks for it on a friendly basis. Whether he takes it on board or not is also his own choice.
You said it was a friendship that you invested sweat and tears into, then maybe it might be best if you walk away from it.
Real friendships have up's and down at times maybe, but you shouldn't need to invest sweat and tears to make a friendship work, imo.

Hope it works out in the end, good luck Op.

jubi lee

he's an ex..
he wants to get on with his life without you in it...
cut contact and move on yourself...he already has..

The Corinthian

EdChigliak wrote:

So I guess the question is, how do I bow out gracefully and without getting bitter over being ditched for something I cant understand?

With respects, you ditched him, not the other way around.

Did you have on your mind the idea that you may end up getting back with him at some stage in the future?

nacho libre

it seems to me that you are still in love with him, that there is conscious deceit afoot in your concern for his choices since your relationship with him ended.

metrovelvet

There are always choices our friends, families and loved ones make that we will neither like or be able to control but the key to loving these people is to support their dumb decisions as best we can, be mindful of blindspots, and be there for the crash and burn.

That is acceptance.

Understanding? It's unlikely and not necessary in these situations.

Oryx

This is a test of your friendship. One of the hardest things to do as a friend is to stand by when they do something you think is crazy. But its his life, not yours, and if you are a real friend, you need to let him make his mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong.

EdChigliak

actually it was him that ended it, contrary to what some people have assumed. I was still hoping we could talk about our differences when he threw in the towel on our romantic relationship.

Amazotheamazing

but did you hope to get back with him?

You should stand by him, even though it seems like a crazy decision.

EdChigliak

I dont think I neccessarily wanted or hoped to someday get back with him.
I was just so certain that after all this time and all we've gone through, in regards, getting over our relationship and learning to accept and be supportive of each others independence and interests in other people, that we had an amazingly solid and resiliant bond. Maybe I was being naive in thinking that our brilliant friendship wasnt just based on nostalgia or something.
Its really upsetting me that this might be the thing that ends it all. I wasnt against him meeting someone, its the nonchalant fatherhood I dont understand. My not understanding that seems to piss him off, he gets agrivated if I try to ask him about it and I feel suddenly shut out of his life, because up untill a few months ago I thought we were very close and could go to each other with anything. He used to ask me how to go about chatting up girls he liked and that sort of thing and I loved that he still valued my opinion so much.
I dont know how to communicate with him anymore without me getting upset and getting angry at his sudden unwillingness to have me in his life.
It upsets me that in a few months he will be a dad and I probably wont even know him anymore.

davyjose

OP... go and have your adventures. Seriously, you should follow his lead and get out there and do your own thing. He's not your problem anymore.
Maybe he's making a mistake - and critically, maybe he isn't. If he's sure he wants to be a Dad - well, you can't argue with him. But you guys broke up because you were going in different directions, and you need to come to terms with the fact that you are not sharing a life together anymore.
So go out and live your life.

Laslo

I'm getting confused here. HE was too clingy and YOU wanted to go off and have a big adventure yet HE broke up with YOU? It sounds like a case of the lady doth know not what she wants. Perhaps this guy really, really wanted the stability of a solid relationship and has agreed to help this woman have a child in the hope that that's what it will provide - rightly or wrongly. He knew if he stayed with you that he couldn't really depend on you getting seriously involved because you wanted to spread your wings. Now though, it sounds as if you regret giving him the cold shoulder when you were going out with him.

It seems that your ego can't handle the fact that one minute you thought you could control him and the next he's dumping you. You say you want to remain good friends with him and yet you won't leave his decision alone and you keep nit-picking. If you really want to be his friend then you need to stop the nagging, accept his decision and be his friend again. Otherwise you're going to look like the bitter, jealous ex whether you like it or not.

Oryx

His agression could be because you are hitting a nerve, saying what he might be feeling in a small way in the back of his head. Maybe. And if hes burying those feelings he wont appreciate you bringing them up. But thats not to say his decision to be a father is not the right one, and wont work out. We all have fears of new things.