frigid? shyness?

frigibigi

because of things in the past i think i am kinda frigid, shy, embarrased etc. i do really enjoy sex and have no problem with orgasms but i feel easily embarrased and that holds me back in the freedom sense, in the light of self improvement i want to change that, i want to feel free and happy, say what i want, ask for things i like, point out what i like or dislike. How to do that in a respectful matter towards myself and my partner?
My partner and i are together for 6 years and its like the same thing 2 or 3 times a week, same position, same length etc. and i take control of that. as soon as i have to give in i back off and feel i stiffen up , different positions: i feel like i want to cover myself under the blankets.
I really want to change that, i talked with my partner about it and we are kinda lost of how to make changes in a fun loving way.
advice needed pls.

jester77

Buy some books on Kama Sutra, Perfumed Gardens, Ananga Ranga and Tao and work your way through them. There are adult board games that you can get as well which are fun and spice things up as well, that's another possibility.

frigibigi

thank you.. but that does not solve the shyness i was talking about.. i read books been trough all sorts of internet info etc. but that does not help with the intimacy problem

Goat Mouth

they way i've beaten shyness before was by being active, not reading about how to not be shy on the net and books
what i found is that you really just have to hang your balls out there. everyone is scared man! and if you're shotdown. you just have to pick yourself back up. again theres no problem with asking for help. it just really helps to keep 'doing'(or trying) until you've dominated the fear!

frigibigi

forgot to say: im a woman

Goat Mouth

my mistake, when i saw the 'gi' in your name i figured it was play on words for 'guy'
well then i guess i may have just shown a somewhat 'chauvenistic' point.

alas, i still say to just be confident (yeah :rolleyes: everyone says that, i know, but they wouldnt say it if it didnt help!)
intimacy can be really scary for men too! but when you have your partners best interests at heart (and vice versa) the fear subsides and you dont even notice it.
again what i've found is to never dwell on it, i use to have a monumental problem of over thiking things and focusing on the negative.

Shanda

To get over your shyness i would try and do something really ridiculous together. something that you both found really funny and embarrassing. not necessarily something sexual. that should make you both more comfortable around each other even when something embarrassing happends.
Its very easy to try different positions and that kind of thing, and you don't necessarily have to talk about it before hand. if you just try moving into different positions naturally he should be able to follow and it makes it more interesting cause you never know what will happen next. just try and think of it as exciting rather than something embarrassing.

Goat Mouth

I would also like to recommend spontaneity!
I can't speak for your partner, but ive always found it to be quiet enjoyable!

Miss Fluff

Role-playing is a good way to try anything that is out of the norm as you won't feel it's "you" participating necessarily, great way of taking things to the next level and do stuff you haven't tried before.

Marksie

I would recommend tantra or taoist sacred sexuality practices.

At its base level it is all about learning to connect and become open and intimate with a partner and with yourself. Overcoming exactly the issues you have described. Cultivating openness, playfulness and communication into your s*xuality.

At its more complex levels it is about much much more, but such approaches when undertaken in a formal or ritual setting can really overcome the issues you are talking about

Edit: you may have to explore the "things in the past" and see how they have affected your current state. Accept them and move on from them

miles teg

Wearing a mask (not suggesting the gimp kind) can make some people feel less inhibited as there is a sense of anonymity involved. Something a bit masquerade perhaps:
http://www.playhousesquarestore.com/images/PeacockMasqueradeMask.jpg
Could make it easier to become more comfortable in new situations

Marksie

miles teg wrote:

Wearing a mask (not suggesting the gimp kind) can make some people feel less inhibited as there is a sense of anonymity involved. Something a bit masquerade perhaps:
http://www.playhousesquarestore.com/images/PeacockMasqueradeMask.jpg
Could make it easier to become more comfortable in new situations

Personally i would disagree with that as i feel that a mask in this situation would add an extra layer of disconnectedness. But it may work :-)

However, it did remind me of processes which involve the use of blindfolds. A) sensory awakening where each sense in the receiver is slowly awakened in turn touch, smell, sound and taste by the giver while the blindfold is on, thus really enhacing each sense.
pleasuring in frotn of each other: sometimes if you are shy about doing that in front of your partner, a blindfold can be used in the initial stages.

McGinty

Hi frigibigi

because of things in the past i think i am kinda frigid, shy, embarrased etc. i do really enjoy sex and have no problem with orgasms but i feel easily embarrased and that holds me back in the freedom sense, in the light of self improvement i want to change that, i want to feel free and happy, say what i want, ask for things i like, point out what i like or dislike. How to do that in a respectful matter towards myself and my partner?
My partner and i are together for 6 years and its like the same thing 2 or 3 times a week, same position, same length etc. and i take control of that. as soon as i have to give in i back off and feel i stiffen up , different positions: i feel like i want to cover myself under the blankets.
I really want to change that, i talked with my partner about it and we are kinda lost of how to make changes in a fun loving way.
advice needed pls.

In order to help with some advice can I ask what things in the past have affected you now in the present, if you feel embarressed to say this you are very welcome to pm me. Like you I have been shy with past lovers, afraid to ask for what I would like and fearing I would offend them but I am learning to open up. I hear two things in your post 1) a desire for things to change and a resistence as well.

You enjoy orgasms but feel embarressed, do you ever self pleasure alone or with your partner? Do you feel as if the sex is a performance, would you like more heart in the lovemaking? You describe the lovemaking with your partner as the same thing, and that you 'take control of that' personally I don't understand what you mean, do you initiate the sex? Then you say as soon as you give in you stiffen up, does sex feel like giving in to the other person? What is that resistance? Do you see the giving in as an act of weakness, is there a part of your boyfriend that you don't trust or feel safe with?

I know other posters have said get more confidence, books or role playing but when I read your post I heard it more as dealing with what is holding you back, personally I don't believe a person can be more confident until they discover what is in the way or what is blocking them. There are some thoughts that advocate an 'act as if' attitude, maybe that could work for you but it doesn't work for me. If you can locate the cause of your resistence to your partner or if there are problems with the relationship and you want a practical way of overcoming your shyness, personally I'd advocate baby steps, it won't freak you out and the stages are cumilative, that is they have a knock on affect and the momentum gathers.

I would suggest getting creative in your own head, so if you get time alone pleasure yourself and discover all your own secret errogenous bits. With your partner discover his secret bits, maybe his earlobe, or the inside of his wrist, image yourself as someone exotic with a strong feminine power and allure, maybe a geisha or goddess who is adored, tap into your feminine power and enjoy its energy, if you feel that energy, imagine you are passing it onto your partner, he will feel some nice enegy and tingling sensation, if you feel resistence within yourself, really feel it and become aware of it, you can become aware of it by imaging you have an internal eye that examines it with complete objectivity. The feelings will disappear, then carry on until it comes again. Expect for the one step forwards two or three steps back (it may not happen but it could), visualise yourself telling your partner what you want, and then do it for real. Allow those feelings of fear and embarressment again using your awareness. If you want you could write down what you would like sexually? If your partner is disrespectful towards you then no amount of intimacy is going to work because you won't feel safe. Sorry that I am rambling all over the place but I am getting so many thoughts its hard to put them into coherence but I hope some of this helps. If you have any more questions just pm me. Good luck