how to know "the one"

LegacyUser

Right so, please excuse me if this turns into a rant but I’m not quite sure what I want to say. I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about 7 years and I love him to bits but… (why does there always have to be a but!!) lately I’ve started thinking about the future and I get this awful fear that I might be settling. We’re kinda childhood sweethearts, first loves and all that. We’re great together. As corny as it sounds all our friends call us the perfect couple, we have a great laugh together, pull the piss outta each other and it’s obvious that we love each other to bits. But there are somethings about him that drive me cuckoo. He was brought up in a less well off family than me and even though this means absolutely nothing to me he has an awful complex about the fact that he’s not good enough for me. Coupled with the fact that he’s fierce shy around people he doesn’t know this means that he’s awfully paranoid about anything to do with my family. I dread telling him when a family event comes up because I know he doesn’t want to go and will end up worrying about it until it’s over. I don’t understand it at all cuz he’s great company and my folks know he treats me really well so he has nothing to worry about. But I keep thinking about if we get married (which everyone assumes is going to happen sooner rather than later) will he always be like that?? Will I always be juggling my family on one side and him on the other. The other thing that gets to me is that even though we’re so alike in many ways and have loads of things in common I’m a lot more outgoing than him. When we’re on holidays he’s quite happy to stay in the hotel room, chill out and relax where as I’m a much more outdoor activities kinda girl. In fairness he’s always been like this since I started going out with him but it’s only lately it’s really started to bug me. I feel like I might be missing out on some adventures because of him and I’m afraid I’ll start to resent him for it.
There are so many good things about him though, he makes me laugh, he treats me brilliantly, he cooks my dinner for me every day, cleans the house, he’ll always phone/txt if he’s going to be late etc etc. We’re happy out with a house and a life we’re both happy with. I know he loves me to pieces and it would break his heart if I was to leave and I don’t think I could live with myself for doing it. But why is there this niggling doubt?? Things are so good between us, am I just looking for a Mr. Perfect that doesn’t exist??

Beruthiel

The grass is always greener.... till you get there.

From what you say above, seems to me you're picking holes and trying to find something wrong with him.
He sounds like a nice guy who's a bit shy and if he's a bit uncomfortable round your family, so what? He still makes the effort doesn't he? Isn't that what counts and he does it for you.
Jeez I have absolutely nothing in common with my partners mother and we are poles apart, I try to make an effort though and he's hardly lightly to finish with me because I haven't fallen in love with her.
You don't pick a lifetime partner on the grounds that they get on with your extended family, that would be bonkers.

If you're on holiday, drag him out, he's hardly lightly to stay in the room by himself is he?
Seems to me what's really going on here is the fact that ye met young and you're wondering if you're missing out on something.
If you need to get that out of your system then do it.
You paint a picture of a couple who get on great though and you could be a long time finding that again.
However, it's not fair to him if you are always wondering, finish with him if you're in doubt.
Mr. Perfect does not exist btw, we are all human with our own little faults. When you can be with someone faults and all, that's love.

davyjose

OP, there are many many people on this particular forum that would kill for your problems. I'm not trying to dismiss it, but it seems to me that if this is the worst of your problems then you are very lucky indeed.
You say you might be settling, but do you really think that you will find someone more suitable to you, that will get on better with - that will - let's be honest - fit in to the perfect little mould that you have set yourself. If you spend long enough with somebody, you will be able find fault with them. The trick is to appreciate and love them for who they are.

super_furry

There is no magical and mystical 'the one' (aside from Neo). You have a guy who loves you and who yourself says you 'love to bits'. Why go looking for problems when there are none?

stipey

To quote David O'Doherty's "FAQ for the DO'D"

"That's quite a complicated questions... but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with not wanting to get off with other people"

CrazyNoob

The 'One' does not exist. Nobody is perfect, and anybody that says they have found the 'one' are talking out their Axx.
The are types or number we can be truely happy with but none are perfect.

No-one can live up to perfection

Maple

Op it sounds like you guys have a really fantastic relationship. Don't throw it away. What adventures do you think you're missing out on? Travelling? Adventure sports? Why not make the plans to do these anyway? Your partner can come along if he chooses. Its ok for you guys to have different interests, it would be boring if you two were exactly the same. And maybe he'd love to join you?

As for the family events, don't dread them. (easier said that done). Be a little brutal about it, don't mammy or mind him. Leave him alone with members of your family while you do your own thing for 5/10 minutes. He'll soon come out of his shell.

Best of luck OP.

JCDUB

OP if there are doubts there then I think you know what you have to do.

These doubts will always be there in the future and they will affect your relationship for as long as it lasts, they may even end up ruining it.
There are couples who get married and have kids and just exist as couples because they can't admit to each other that it was over years ago and there hasn't been any real love there since the early days.

They end up filling up with resentment for their partner keeping them in a loveless relationship while they remain apathetic and won't do anyhting about it themselves, putting it off with statements like "I'll wait til the youngest is finished school" etc.

So if you fancy living your life out in one of those relationships then by all means fire ahead but I think these doubts are there for a reason.
It's very easy to just exist in a relationship because you get on great and you don't argue with each other and you share the housework and you both like the same TV programs, but it takes guts to be able to stand up and admit that there's something wrong.

I don't mean to preach and only you can make the decision at the end of the day but I'm speaking from a small bit of experience here (a shorter relationship than yours that was going along with no hitches but when we sat down and talked it out we realised we didn't love each other and that it was better to split.)

Whatever decision you make, believe in it and put your heart and soul into it, you are the only one who really knows what's going on in your heart/head...

Mighty_Mouse

Been through this.
You've hit a cross-roads whereby any further time, energy & commitment has to be with a view to the longer term : ie marriage eventually.
Otherwise whats the point? Especially for girls in their mid-late 20's!!

Blokes dont "get" the above.

IMO take a break for 6 months/year. Go travelling or move cities etc
Get away from each other for a while and limit contact.

You would be so suprised how different you will/wont feel towards the relationship once you're had a little perspective.

IMO its the best thing for people who get together at a young age.

If ye do get back together then he's the "one".
With the above there's no regrets for both parties etc etc etc

ps
fierce tough & we didnt get back together but best thing I ever did.
Reckon would of being facing a whopper of a mid-life crisis 6 months into any future/potential marriage ragardless

Caliden

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Been through this.
You've hit a cross-roads whereby any further time, energy & commitment has to be with a view to the longer term : ie marriage eventually.
Otherwise whats the point? Especially for girls in their mid-late 20's!!

Blokes dont "get" the above.

IMO take a break for 6 months/year. Go travelling or move cities etc
Get away from each other for a while and limit contact.

You would be so suprised how different you will/wont feel towards the relationship once you're had a little perspective.

IMO its the best thing for people who get together at a young age.

If ye do get back together then he's the "one".
With the above there's no regrets for both parties etc etc etc

ps
fierce tough & we didnt get back together but best thing I ever did.
Reckon would of being facing a whopper of a mid-life crisis 6 months into any future/potential marriage ragardless

I'm sorry but that's silly advice.
They've been together 7 years and these are the only faults she has with him?


You could compromise with him and ask him to be more adventurous on holidays. I'm sure he has found a few faults in you too but like his they must be minor otherwise you wouldnt be together.

Mighty_Mouse

I'm sorry but that's silly advice.
They've been together 7 years and these are the only faults she has with him?

per op

lately I’ve started thinking about the future and I get this awful fear that I might be settling.

Everybody has faults etc etc
Not the problem if you ask me.
Its the fear of settling -- which IMO can only be resolved by a break
The fear of, with only one chance at life --- should you not at least see whats out there before making a commitment to marriage.

How do you know thats its not just a case of the person you're with is so nice & sound & decent etc
but its not "love".

Only way to know the difference is to go without.
See how you feel living without the other half. Can you survive?
Feelings like love etc crystalise pretty quickly
Will absence make the heart grow fonder?

ps
hence the limited contact rule

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks a mill for all the advice! I know they are small things and I'm very lucky not to have bigger problems but I just want to be sure i'm doing the right thing. I think the advice ye've given is great! The holidays thing is giong to be up to me to change. I've started by going to more exotic places and organising tours and stuff that he's into. The family thing is my major issue, it's not the fact that he's shy it's the lack of effort. This weekend is an immediate family members significant birthday. I've just told him that a pub has been booked for the party and his first reaction is that he's not going. He doesn't say it in a nasty way, just that it's not his thing. I told him that's grand but he can tell my folks himself, so we'll see how that goes.

Mighty_Mouse... he isn't into the idea of a break. We had this dicussion a while back when a friend of his ex girlfriend told him that she was going to Australia for a few months and she didn't want him to go with her because she needed a break. If I was to tell him we need a break from each other there'd be nothing to go back to.

King of Kings

for some people there is no "one".
But tbh with the good points you mention you seem to have what most wish they had.

Zulu

unreg87969 wrote:

If I was to tell him we need a break from each other there'd be nothing to go back to.

...proper order, I could never understand this - "excuse me hon while I go and slut around for a little bit and decide whether I really do love you." It's a cowards half arsed, attempt at breaking up with someone, and frankly, in my opinion, a little disrespectful.

...that's just my 2 cents (funny, it never happened to me but I do sound awfully bitter about it )

LegacyUser

Zulu wrote:

...proper order, I could never understand this - "excuse me hon while I go and slut around for a little bit and decide whether I really do love you." It's a cowards half arsed, attempt at breaking up with someone, and frankly, in my opinion, a little disrespectful.

...that's just my 2 cents (funny, it never happened to me but I do sound awfully bitter about it )

That's the way I feel about it too. I couldn't put him through that. Telling him to hang around, put his life on hold while I go off and decide what I want. Not fair! At the moment he's in the quiet buzz he gets into when he dreads family things. Hasn't really said a word all night. I'm thinking of telling him not to worry about it and he doesn't need to come if he doesn't want to but I know my folks would love if he was there. We're a small, close family and I know they'd prefer if they saw him more. We live ten minutes from them and i'd say he hasn't seen my dad in over 12 months.

Beruthiel

Why pressure him?
If my partner wasn't interested in going to a family event, fine, in the grand scheme of things that's no biggie.
I'd hate to be pressured into one of his family events, I see nothing wrong with not going if I don't want to.
You have to decide what's really important to you here.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Why pressure him?
If my partner wasn't interested in going to a family event, fine, in the grand scheme of things that's no biggie.
I'd hate to be pressured into one of his family events, I see nothing wrong with not going if I don't want to.
You have to decide what's really important to you here.

But sure you go to some of your partners family events??
Family is a big thing to me and every time there is an event in my family I dread having to tell him about it which also ruins it for me. For the record I would never not go to a family event with him. Everything he's asked me to go to I've gone to. I have a great relationship with his family and have never made an issue out of it.

Marksie

I have to admit i dont like family events and would rather avoid them like the plague.

But also there comes a time when one has to strike the correct balance and compromise between not being pressured into going and going because your partner wants you to be there.

qwertyphobia

There is no such thing as "the one" If you do break up with him of course you may find someone you are a better match with(it may take you a long time however) or you may find yourself with some not as good as him and regretting leaving him.


I don't actually think your post is about him and the niggly things that upset you. I think it's about your fears of settling down and as such would be there no matter who your partner was. Earleir on in my relationship I went through a similar blip, what worked for me was just the chance to talk about it with my partner. It cleared it up for me in my head what was going on for me that was making me anxious.




On the two main issues you seam to be hanging this on.

Families: He is going out with you not your family. I am never going to hugely comfortable around some of my partners family. I know the crap they have done in the past to my partner. They have come to some kind of resolution/clouser on that history and are civil and friendly to each other. Out of respect to my patner I am not going to rock that boat, but I will never consider them my friends (but will be polite to them on family ocassions)

Holidays: Espicially on a two week hoilday with my partner we would certainly spend time apart. We have different interests so at some stage we will have a day planned where I will go off and hire a bike or a cannoe and head off into the wilderness for a day and she will just lay in the sun reading a book. I certainly don't stop myself doing the things I want to do for thinking that they are just laying down and relaxing (thats what they want out of a hoilday)

Mighty_Mouse

Mighty_Mouse... he isn't into the idea of a break. We had this dicussion a while back

Obviously prompted by you so?
Which means you're into the idea of it?

Again. I was on the receiving end of said idea. Wasnt fun but tbh I understand the practicality and logic of 2 people who met young, taking time out before making a larger commitment.

Its a pretty selfish decision. One you should probably only take should the above insecurities &angst about your relationship heighten. ie either drastic action taken or relationship abandoned.
When you reach that juncture & you'll have no choice IMO

I couldn't put him through that.

A good enough reason not to make decision that are right for you?

That's the way I feel about it too. .......Telling him to hang around, put his life on hold while I go off and decide what I want. Not fair!

Agreed. Its a completely selfish decision.
But then again; who's life are you living?
IMO personal hapiness is about making decisions that are right for you.
Tough or not, selfish or not.
exclaimer: young unmarried, no sprogs situations only!

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Obviously prompted by you so?
Which means you're into the idea of it?

Again. I was on the receiving end of said idea. Wasnt fun but tbh I understand the practicality and logic of 2 people who met young, taking time out before making a larger commitment.

Its a pretty selfish decision. One you should probably only take should the above insecurities &angst about your relationship heighten. ie either drastic action taken or relationship abandoned.
When you reach that juncture & you'll have no choice IMO


A good enough reason not to make decision that are right for you?



Agreed. Its a completely selfish decision.
But then again; who's life are you living?
IMO personal hapiness is about making decisions that are right for you.
Tough or not, selfish or not.
exclaimer: young unmarried, no sprogs situations only!

No it wasn't prompted by me. The discussion was actually about a friend of his who's girlfriend told him that she wanted a break for 6 months while she travelled australia and decided what she wanted.

qwertyphobia wrote:

Families: He is going out with you not your family. I am never going to hugely comfortable around some of my partners family. I know the crap they have done in the past to my partner. They have come to some kind of resolution/clouser on that history and are civil and friendly to each other. Out of respect to my patner I am not going to rock that boat, but I will never consider them my friends (but will be polite to them on family ocassions)

What if your partner didn't have these issues with her family in the past? Then would you find it so difficult to be comfortable around them?

Zzippy

OP, from your original post you mention two things that bother you: his insecurity - the fact he feels he's not good enough for you - and his lack of adventure.

The second one is easier to address, and it seems you've already started that, booking more exotic holidays, etc. You've just got to keep that up and hopefully he'll enjoy those and look forward more to them and even participate in planning more exciting stuff to do.

The first, well, keep reassuring him that your folks think the world of him, and they're happy for you that you've found someone like him. But you have to sit down and tell him that family is important to you, and that if he wants to be with you he will have to participate more in family events. How about your folks visiting more often, just calling over "as they were in the area"?

I've been in the situation before where I felt I was settling, and broke up with someone, regretted it for years afterwards. Have also been in the situation where the other person wanted to "take a break" and that's really horrible. In my experience, its a shallow cowardly way of breaking up with someone.

TBH, I think you're really really lucky to have found someone like him, and same for him, and if thats all you have to worry about, you're doing well.

Don't throw away something really special over this.
Just sit down and talk more!

qwertyphobia

unreg87969 wrote:

What if your partner didn't have these issues with her family in the past? Then would you find it so difficult to be comfortable around them?

I am in a relationship with my partner not their family.

I suspect everyone finds meeting their partners family difficult or wierd at first becuase you are trying to be all on your best behaviour and make a good impression, your boyfriend is obviously finding it more difficult. unless he is actively trying to block your relationship with your family I don't see it as a majour deal.

Again I say I don't think this is about your boyfriend, I think it's about your fears of settling down, you need to find a way of dealing with them and not hanging the problem on your partner

ladylorenzo

I'm afraid I'd have to agree with the other posters who feel that this is more about you're fear of settling down than about the problems(which are really minor and easily dealt with)with your partner.
From what you;ve said, its a great relationship. You have fun together, you make each other laugh, you can talk to one another, you're in love!!..the problems are very minor whrn you think about it.
7 years is a long time when you're young and it just seems to come accross like you're freaking out a bit that you're young, you've been with the same guy for so long and you're probably afraid of seeing yourself with him for life because you feel like you wont have experienced enough..but would you rather experience new things without him? would you rather try a few other relationships out only to find that they're not a patch on the one you had?

I can totally understand how you're feeling. I was there. i went away for 3 months travelling..not to get away from my BF, but because I had always wanted to do it on my own. It had nothing to do with him. and luckily, we've survived it. i got to do what I wanted to do...see the world some more, experience new things and best of all, I got to see what it would be like without him in my life and it was the best cure for any doubts I ever had.

Its ok to have fears and doubts. What you need to do is gain perspective so I disagree that doing a stint of travelling or whatever it may be, is selfish. Its your life and you need to be sure what you want from it. And if you did end up breaking up, well then isnt it better you find out now rather than 5 years down the line when maybe you're married with kids??

Sorry to rant on. Its just an issue which very recently, I had to face. Good luck with whatever you decide but whatever you do, dont let a good man go unless you have very good reason to..because they really dont come along very often. LL

DublinWriter

unreg87969 wrote:

he makes me laugh, he treats me brilliantly, he cooks my dinner for me every day, cleans the house, he’ll always phone/txt if he’s going to be late etc etc.

Marry him...NOW!

Seriously, I was once given some great advice by an ex years ago - relationships are not about the level of perfection you want, they are about the level of imperfections you can handle.

But to be honest, from your orinigal post, it sounds like you don't live together. If you really want to know someone, then try picking up their underwear from the bedroom floor (works both ways girls!).

Just remember, no one is ever 100% perfect.

carnival_joe

Can we swap lives? You're so lucky to have a great guy (the family thing aside, which you can work on)

Great guys are few and far, so if you love him, then hold onto him. Look into your heart, and your stomach and see what they say. its obviously your head (or libido) freaking out- so see what the other places are saying. If I was in your situation, I'd be delighted to have a boyfriend, that i loved, who loved me, who wanted me, who lived with me, that i got on brill with. Don't throw it away on a whim. There are no mr.perfects, and to risk losing your man for someone who will more then likely cause you heartache and pain...its silly.

LegacyUser

Some great responses on here, and most of you are probably right. I don't think it's a fear of settling down. I'm well settled to be honest, we've been living together for 5 years and own a house for the last 3. It's more to do with spending the rest of your life with one person and being afraid of missing out on things other people are doing. But i've thought a lot about it and even if I am missing out on things that other people my age are doing, I have what a lot of people yearn for and may never have! He really is a good guy and I know that I do love him with all my heart so these things are only small. Plus, I obviously piss him off in other ways because as some of you have said... none of us are perfect :-)

The family thing is something I need to deal with. Not quite sure how to go about it but it needs to be sorted out.

LegacyUser

'

unreg87969 wrote:

Right so, please excuse me if this turns into a rant but I’m not quite sure what I want to say. I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about 7 years and I love him to bits but… (why does there always have to be a but!!) lately I’ve started thinking about the future and I get this awful fear that I might be settling. We’re kinda childhood sweethearts, first loves and all that. We’re great together. As corny as it sounds all our friends call us the perfect couple, we have a great laugh together, pull the piss outta each other and it’s obvious that we love each other to bits. But there are somethings about him that drive me cuckoo. He was brought up in a less well off family than me and even though this means absolutely nothing to me he has an awful complex about the fact that he’s not good enough for me. Coupled with the fact that he’s fierce shy around people he doesn’t know this means that he’s awfully paranoid about anything to do with my family. I dread telling him when a family event comes up because I know he doesn’t want to go and will end up worrying about it until it’s over. I don’t understand it at all cuz he’s great company and my folks know he treats me really well so he has nothing to worry about. But I keep thinking about if we get married (which everyone assumes is going to happen sooner rather than later) will he always be like that?? Will I always be juggling my family on one side and him on the other. The other thing that gets to me is that even though we’re so alike in many ways and have loads of things in common I’m a lot more outgoing than him. When we’re on holidays he’s quite happy to stay in the hotel room, chill out and relax where as I’m a much more outdoor activities kinda girl. In fairness he’s always been like this since I started going out with him but it’s only lately it’s really started to bug me. I feel like I might be missing out on some adventures because of him and I’m afraid I’ll start to resent him for it.
There are so many good things about him though, he makes me laugh, he treats me brilliantly, he cooks my dinner for me every day, cleans the house, he’ll always phone/txt if he’s going to be late etc etc. We’re happy out with a house and a life we’re both happy with. I know he loves me to pieces and it would break his heart if I was to leave and I don’t think I could live with myself for doing it. But why is there this niggling doubt?? Things are so good between us, am I just looking for a Mr. Perfect that doesn’t exist??

Yes.
I think that when you grow up you may find that some people have real problems.
You are different people with different views.

Do your own thing with your own family, when you get older you'll realise that none of the twaddle you are preoccupied with now matters.

You are not missing out on anything, and this bloke, sounds decent enough.
Don't miss out on *him* because you are a little bit spoiled and want it all, you'll regret it.
Family.. when your own start fizzling out...getting married...dying off etc, then you seem like you have a good partner to start your own perhaps.

Grow up a little. From what you've posted the deserving factor seems to falling on whether you deserve him.'

LegacyUser

obliv wrote:

'

Yes.
I think that when you grow up you may find that some people have real problems.
You are different people with different views.

Do your own thing with your own family, when you get older you'll realise that none of the twaddle you are preoccupied with now matters.

You are not missing out on anything, and this bloke, sounds decent enough.
Don't miss out on *him* because you are a little bit spoiled and want it all, you'll regret it.
Family.. when your own start fizzling out...getting married...dying off etc, then you seem like you have a good partner to start your own perhaps.

Grow up a little. From what you've posted the deserving factor seems to falling on whether you deserve him.'

Get over yourself,
I know that this pales in comparison to what other people are going through at the moment but that's not to say I haven't had other **** times in my life too! Ffs i'm only posting to get other peoples opinions on something so keep your condescending views to yourself.
What kind of comment is that?? I'll just sit here and hope my family start dying off so he won't feel awkward around them anymore.

LegacyUser

'Thanks for posting this great thread, makes me realise that the doubts I was having about my girlfriend are the same as yours - I just need to realise how good I have it!

Lots of guys wish they had what I have.. I have a wonderful girl, and this thread makes me realise this. I'm a little spoiled I guess.. and I don't want to "settle", but I guess I could go all over the world and would still find there is "nothing" out there. Only what you develop within yourself. It's up to us to accept and give love to our partner, through good and bad.

Be strong, keep the faith.'