Like being alone?

angelicsaz

ok.... this isa long story......... i'll condense it...... the year or so , I was completly destructive, both to myslef (eating disorders/bpd) and others around me (friends, family, boyfriends) i ended up losing friends and basically runing a really good relationship, things with my parents are strained at the best of times.
I have realised the error of my ways and with therapy am working through things. I have personally apologised to every1 I hurt for all the things I did. some have accepted my apology but said they still couldnt handle being friends with me, which is fine with me, as I feel I deserve it.
I can admit I have made mistakes and have no problem apologising and trying to explain.
anyways all that aside... I have found myslef being slightly I dunno how to describe it.... mmmm like i almost would prefer to be alone then to be around others. I still have this fear that the same thing will happen again.
I moved school for my last year and made a few really good friends, but I found myslef getting to a point where i almost telling myslef, that i shouldnt get too close because I would jus hurt them.
I have also started in a new relationship with an amazing guy, but every so often I feel like i want to break up... because I feel i have this looming thing thats gonna turn everything bad.
Im not a complete social recluse but I find myslef selective about who I go out with and where. I guess im jus scared of myslef......really...... I dont wanna put myslef or anyone else through the drama of the last 2 years so i feel im better off in my own company most of the time.
any1? views? comments?

Black Swan

angelicsaz wrote:

I have also started in a new relationship with an amazing guy, but every so often I feel like i want to break up... because I feel i have this looming thing thats gonna turn everything bad.

Stop beating yourself up, chill out, and enjoy your b/f. Life is too short for this, and when you start to feel this way, creatively write about it (I see that you have contributed to the creative writing forum. Nice going!).

MysticalSoul

I felt compelled to your post. I am recovered from an eating disorder myself, so know the trials and tribulations that go hand in hand with it. For me, it is the opposite. Through my recovery, I lost someone whom I had considered to be a true friend. However, all did not end well. I got hurt badly by her behaviour. As a consequence of this, I have to challenge myself to reach out to others, as there is a part of me now that fears getting hurt to that depth again. For me this person was one of the first people I let in to know me as me, rather than the illusion of what I had presented for years, and through that I was betrayed in the most shattering way.

I would say, try to reach out to people, because you cannot live life worrying about whether you are going to hurt someone again or not. Life is full of joy as well as disappointment, but it is when you experience all of these that you are really living a life that is free from your past.