Cheaters, do they change??

funkrooney

Hi guys I was having this discussion in the pub with a few friends, do you think that girls that systematically cheat eventually break out of the mould or habit or is it ingrained??

I recently met a girl, again after meeting her previousl and we clicked the first time and the spark is there, however she had a boyfriend at the time but we continued meeting up, beacuse we clicked. It was odd cos we both have the same ideas etc etc, she would know that I have a reputation as a bit of an arse, but we both get on ridiculously well.

Ignoring that and apologies about the length, do cheaters change, male or female??

I dont know from experience because I have never had a relationship that lasted more than a month or so, due to boredom and a number of other :rolleyes: :rolleyes: shall we say issues........... Also for the sake of science I am in my mid twenties so its not puppy dog stuff,

Thanks a million to anyone that offers an opinion,

Funk,

Crumble Froo

yeah, i think they can... i know someone who cheated on all her fellas for over 10years, then met this one amazing guy, has never cheated on him, and has since married and had a kid with him.

personally, ive cheated once, as much a bad way of dealing with some bad stuff in a bad period of my life, but ill always regret it, and i *know* in my heart it wont happen again. however, ive never cheated systematically, as you said... but that's why that person i mentioned above was put in here too...

LegacyUser

I know someone who has cheated on a number of boyfriends and I honestly don't think they change. It just seems like history repeats itself over & over with her. She leads the new guy on when she gets bored with the old one to see if something happens first before either ending it with current boyfriend or discontinuing the relationship with the new guy. Someone always got hurt. Talk about having your cake and eating the whole damn thing!

Maple

yes. if they meet the right person. in my experience.

PeakOutput

I would say that they do but I would not be able to trust one again.

i feel that they change when they fall in "love" as presumably if they are in love they would not want to be with anyone else and until that happens the chance of them cheating on whoever they are with is pretty strong imo but then iv had bad experiences so im biased:rolleyes:

edit; too slow.......way too slow

funkrooney

Cheers for the replies lads,

what do you mean slow........way too slow, peakoutput??

thanks,

I like the general consensus so far however I doubt I will like it in a day or two

PeakOutput

funkrooney wrote:

Cheers for the replies lads,

what do you mean slow........way too slow, peakoutput??

thanks,

I like the general consensus so far however I doubt I will like it in a day or two

i meant my responce was way too slow as two other people had said the same thing i said already

Femelade

I have cheated on every boyfriend i've had (around 8-10 i think) except the one i'm with now, the other relationships never really lasted long and i was never too interested when i think back, i am with an amazing guy now for 11 months, i have never been happier, i would NEVER cheat on him, i love him too much, i would be a fool to ruin what we have.

Wibbs

Yes they can for various reasons. It's also usually an age thing too. I think women who cheat usually "grow" out of it. Men who are serial cheaters are less likely too IMHO. Also it depends on the type of cheating. Women cheating at the end of a relationship is usually just them wanting to leave the relationship, but waiting for someone to jump to. They're more of a long term worry as they're the type who can't be alone. Bad in either gender. I would say the ones cheating in the middle of a relationship are just not into the guy as much as they may think. Again it's more an age thing. Women in long termers in their 30's who cheat usually do it for reasons beyond pure "excitement".

Victor

Young cheaters grow up and may change. Older cheaters are probably stuck in their ways.

Raphael

When my current girlfriend and I started going out she was still with her previous boyfriend (didn't know this at the time) who she'd cheated on a few times. However she broke that off with him, and that was 4 years ago.

So yes, yes they do.

PeakOutput

Raphael wrote:

When my current girlfriend and I started going out she was still with her previous boyfriend (didn't know this at the time) who she'd cheated on a few times. However she broke that off with him, and that was 4 years ago.

So yes, yes they do.

probably stirring here but how do you know :eek: ???

Pineapple stu

no, they will never change.

CathyMoran

Yes, they can change. Everyone can cheat, even on the person they love if they are under enough pressure.

LegacyUser

CathyMoran wrote:

Yes, they can change. Everyone can cheat, even on the person they love if they are under enough pressure.

...I think they must just think they are in love, you don't cheat if you are in love, it's that simple. Something has to drive you to do it...in which case, if you do actually do it, it's not love! Is it!?

CathyMoran

cheesedude wrote:

...I think they must just think they are in love, you don't cheat if you are in love, it's that simple. Something has to drive you to do it...in which case, if you do actually do it, it's not love! Is it!?

I disagree, I was cheated on by someone when they were finding their birth mother, their adoption councellor seduced them. They would never do it again.

PeakOutput

CathyMoran wrote:

their adoption councellor seduced them

that is crazy stuff



the way i look at it though is that there are loads of reasons as to why people cheat but there are no excuses...........there is always a conscious decision for them to do it and therefore a conscious disregard of their partners feelings and to me that is unnacceptabl

funkrooney

Thanks a million guys, I reckon you are right, but you just never know do you!! Thanks for all the replies, and if the mods dont mind, can anyone give me motivations as to why they cheated on partners??

PeakOutput

well my ex cheated on me coz I there were alot of things happening that i did not have enough time for and then one night some guy showered her with attention and when she was tipsy she kissed him.................i forgave her pretty quickly as there were loads of things i could have done to stop it getting that far but still had to break up when it came down to it.

i know girls though who while they need to be going out with someone constantly they really dont give a **** and will cheat at the drop of a hat.

ponderer

no cheaters never learn. they should be made outcasts and the scum of the earth. my ex cheated on me and i will NEVER forgive her. in fact i never thought i would hate anybody but i can honestly say i will HATE her for the rest of my life. i will never speak to her ever again and i dont want her to contact me ever again. if you think this is harsh then wait till it happens to you and you will know what im talking about :eek:

PeakOutput

ponderer wrote:

no cheaters never learn. they should be made outcasts and the scum of the earth. my ex cheated on me and i will NEVER forgive her. in fact i never thought i would hate anybody but i can honestly say i will HATE her for the rest of my life. i will never speak to her ever again and i dont want her to contact me ever again. if you think this is harsh then wait till it happens to you and you will know what im talking about :eek:

it has happened to me and it is harsh you should probably think about talking this through with someone like a councellor(sp) as it sounds like it is really eating at you.

ponderer

ah thanks but the last thing i need is a counselor! i dont have issues or anything i merely hate my ex for cheating on me. cant believe you think a counselor is needed! your post made me laugh :-)

Wibbs

ponderer wrote:

no cheaters never learn.

So you still make the same mistakes you made in the past? Riiight.

they should be made outcasts and the scum of the earth.

A big red C on their clothes maybe.

my ex cheated on me and i will NEVER forgive her.

Never is such a long time.

in fact i never thought i would hate anybody but i can honestly say i will HATE her for the rest of my life.

Then you are now hurting yourself for the rest of your life over something another has done and has likely moved on from. Real clever. You've much to learn.

i will never speak to her ever again and i dont want her to contact me ever again.

Fair enough.

if you think this is harsh then wait till it happens to you and you will know what im talking about

It's happened to me on three occasions that I know about. There were different reasons in each case. In one case I'm not at all surprised she went elsewhere given my distant treatment of her. Did she have a choice? Of course she had, but in the end the circumstances that led up to that point had nearly as much of my stamp on it as hers.

ah thanks but the last thing i need is a counselor!

Agreed. They're wheeled out like a band aid for far too much nowadays. Maybe I'm biased in this one as I know a few. Some are good, but I can think of a couple that I wouldn't trust a simple shopping list to, never mind a delicate psyche.

i dont have issues or anything i merely hate my ex for cheating on me.

Speaking as a counselor dubious person, I would still say that hate is an issue. It destroys the hater far quicker and more efficiently than the hated. The hate originates with you at this stage, not her. The initial shock and anger should be long past or at least on the way to acceptance. How old are you and how long ago did this happen? If you're over 20 and this happened longer than 6 months ago, i would be asking questions about many things if I were you. By hating her you give her power no one should have, even in absentia. Short non hippy answer? Cop on, grow a pair and move on. That's the best "revenge" if that's what you seek.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

So you still make the same mistakes you made in the past? Riiight. A big red C on their clothes maybe. Never is such a long time. Then you are now hurting yourself for the rest of your life over something another has done and has likely moved on from. Real clever. You've much to learn. Fair enough. It's happened to me on three occasions that I know about. There were different reasons in each case. In one case I'm not at all surprised she went elsewhere given my distant treatment of her. Did she have a choice? Of course she had, but in the end the circumstances that led up to that point had nearly as much of my stamp on it as hers.

Agreed. They're wheeled out like a band aid for far too much nowadays. Maybe I'm biased in this one as I know a few. Some are good, but I can think of a couple that I wouldn't trust a simple shopping list to, never mind a delicate psyche.
Speaking as a counselor dubious person, I would still say that hate is an issue. It destroys the hater far quicker and more efficiently than the hated. The hate originates with you at this stage, not her. The initial shock and anger should be long past or at least on the way to acceptance. How old are you and how long ago did this happen? If you're over 20 and this happened longer than 6 months ago, i would be asking questions about many things if I were you. By hating her you give her power no one should have, even in absentia. Short non hippy answer? Cop on, grow a pair and move on. That's the best "revenge" if that's what you seek.

I don't think you have a leg to stand on. You were cheated on 3 times. What are you doing that makes you such a doormat "Please walk all over me".

I think Ponderer is justified in what he says, he obviously opened up to this girl and she meant an awful lot to him. And she threw it away. I don't know the circumstances but she threw it away. And personally, I have not been cheated on so I don't know, but I have met people who have pissed me off in my life and I feel the best thing to do is to grow a strong disliking for them and never want to speak to them or for them to speak to me and that is how you move on.

I'd put money on it that what Ponderer is doing is the ABSOLUTE best to move on...

It's people who forgive so quickly and let it not be a big deal anymore which results in them being repeatedly cheated on in my opinion...

LegacyUser

CathyMoran wrote:

I disagree, I was cheated on by someone when they were finding their birth mother, their adoption councellor seduced them. They would never do it again.

That's not an excuse and as bizarre as it is, the person didn't love you enough. If they did, you would still be with them.

And how do you know they would never do it again? What if Jennifer Lopez came in butt naked when that same person was feeling a bit lonely because his girlfriend was away on business...He'd bang her hard, that's what he'd do.

PeakOutput

cheesedude wrote:

I don't think you have a leg to stand on. You were cheated on 3 times. What are you doing that makes you such a doormat "Please walk all over me".

cheating has nothing to do with being a doormat mate. the first girl that cheated on me (im still mates with her i just dont see her as in anyway an acceptable girlfriend) told me that she got pissed off as i was the most "unwhippable"guy she ever knew and felt like i didnt care so she wanted to feel like she was in control of the relationship...........(edit; btw she only told me after i dumped her that she cheated so it could of been bull**** but from what i know of her i believe her)

second girl as i already said was kinda the same thing accept instead of me not caring loads of things were piling up so that i couldnt give her the time she needs..............

what im saying is i was not a doormat quite the opposite and it did me no favours.

the first girl was and is a cereal cheater..........the second girl i dont think she will ever cheat on someone again..........i dont hate either of them (did at the time obviously) and i cannot imagine me being a happier person with that much anger in me............i mean whos happier the guy who physically despises everything about his x who cheated on him and gets emotional/angry everytime he sees them or the person who can accept what happened notch it up to experience and do their best not to let it happen again.......**** happens dust yourself off and get on with it.

I'd put money on it that what Ponderer is doing is the ABSOLUTE best to move on...

each to their own but simple hate like that is only hurting himself in the long run and if she is as bad as she says she is not worth the effort that it takes to actually hate someone

LegacyUser

PeakOutput wrote:

cheating has nothing to do with being a doormat mate. the first girl that cheated on me (im still mates with her i just dont see her as in anyway an acceptable girlfriend) told me that she got pissed off as i was the most "unwhippable"guy she ever knew and felt like i didnt care so she wanted to feel like she was in control of the relationship...........(edit; btw she only told me after i dumped her that she cheated so it could of been bull**** but from what i know of her i believe her)

second girl as i already said was kinda the same thing accept instead of me not caring loads of things were piling up so that i couldnt give her the time she needs..............

what im saying is i was not a doormat quite the opposite and it did me no favours.

the first girl was and is a cereal cheater..........the second girl i dont think she will ever cheat on someone again..........i dont hate either of them (did at the time obviously) and i cannot imagine me being a happier person with that much anger in me............i mean whos happier the guy who physically despises everything about his x who cheated on him and gets emotional/angry everytime he sees them or the person who can accept what happened notch it up to experience and do their best not to let it happen again.......**** happens dust yourself off and get on with it.



each to their own but simple hate like that is only hurting himself in the long run and if she is as bad as she says she is not worth the effort that it takes to actually hate someone

How can you believe what girl number 1 says when you later admit that she is a serial cheater????

As for girl number 2, fair enough, that was your fault, you pushed her to cheat...

Also, the fact that he hates her, means he will never talk to her again so after a while, he will forget about this person and she will be gone forever and then he won't hate her anymore...because he will forget about her!

projectmayhem

my last two relationships involved being cheated on.

don't bother... for your own sake, and the sake of any future relationships (there comes a point whereby you develop trust issues)

PeakOutput

cheesedude wrote:

How can you believe what girl number 1 says when you later admit that she is a serial cheater????

As for girl number 2, fair enough, that was your fault, you pushed her to cheat...

Also, the fact that he hates her, means he will never talk to her again so after a while, he will forget about this person and she will be gone forever and then he won't hate her anymore...because he will forget about her!

what do you mean how can i believe her? at the time i knew her about 4 months iv known her two years now and our relationship is compeletely different now than it was then........now we chat and neither one of us cares about what the other thinks........so i can tell her when she is being a tool and vice versa she dosnt care if she hurts me with what she says and vice versa (as long as its the truth).....................the reason i believe her is because NOW she has no reason to lie to piss me off or whatever as she knows i simply couldnt care less.


as for girl number 2 maybe im explaining things badly but you really dont sound like you have a clue what you are talking about..........its not as simple as one person being to blame and one not to blame its very rare that things are black and white like that.

anyway i think your views on this are simplistic due to it not happening to you and i think ponderer's are self destructive we will have to agree to disagree.


oh and just in case i have not said it enough in other threads id never be with a girl i knew cheated on someone else(unless they were pretty ****ing special) or a girl i knew was with someone else(period). i would never go back out with someone who has cheated on me and finally and most obviously i would never cheat on someone(its so much less hassle to simply dump them first tbh)

Laslo

Femmy wrote:

i am with an amazing guy now for 11 months, i have never been happier, i would NEVER cheat on him, i love him too much, i would be a fool to ruin what we have.

Yeah, well it may well happen that he cheats on you. Karma going around full circle and all that.

Wibbs

cheesedude wrote:

I don't think you have a leg to stand on. You were cheated on 3 times.

Twice was when I was much younger, drunken snogs kind of thing. I gave one the benefit of the doubt and that worked out for quite a while. We parted on entirely different issues. The second got the heave ho on the spot. The third, much later on, was in a long termer and she got the boot too.

What are you doing that makes you such a doormat "Please walk all over me".

What are you doing that makes you jump to such banal conclusions? Trust me I'm no doormat. Not by a long shot.

I think Ponderer is justified in what he says, he obviously opened up to this girl and she meant an awful lot to him. And she threw it away. I don't know the circumstances but she threw it away.

Well that's the thing we don't know the circumstances. How long where they together? How intense was the relationship? How old were they? Who was more into it? What led up to the incident? In any case we are each responsible for how we react to a given situation. Naturally anyone would flip at betrayal, but putting my energy into hating someone I once loved makes no sense frankly.

And personally, I have not been cheated on so I don't know,

That you know about anyway.

but I have met people who have pissed me off in my life and I feel the best thing to do is to grow a strong disliking for them and never want to speak to them or for them to speak to me and that is how you move on.

A strong dislike is one thing, "HATE" as he writes it is something entirely different.

I'd put money on it that what Ponderer is doing is the ABSOLUTE best to move on...

In the early stages maybe, if this is months down the line... Why give someone that power over you emotions to the point where you have to actively "HATE" them to move on. Makes no sense.

It's people who forgive so quickly and let it not be a big deal anymore which results in them being repeatedly cheated on in my opinion...

It's not forgiveness per se, it's acceptance that the person did this, doesn't deserve my company because of it and I deserve better than that. That's the healthier option.

PeakOutput wrote:

i cannot imagine me being a happier person with that much anger in me............i mean whos happier the guy who physically despises everything about his x who cheated on him and gets emotional/angry everytime he sees them or the person who can accept what happened notch it up to experience and do their best not to let it happen again.......**** happens dust yourself off and get on with it.

Exactly. That's called growing a pair and looking at this in a mature way. If the world was so black and white we wouldn't need colour TV.

cheesedude wrote:

How can you believe what girl number 1 says when you later admit that she is a serial cheater????

Right, so one naturally follows the other? People and the dynamics between people are a little more complex than that.

As for girl number 2, fair enough, that was your fault, you pushed her to cheat...

Pushed her to cheat? Right, so by that logic cheating is excusable sometimes. Where did the black and white certainty about cheating go?

Also, the fact that he hates her, means he will never talk to her again so after a while, he will forget about this person and she will be gone forever and then he won't hate her anymore...because he will forget about her!

Very simplistic and reactionary. I certainly don't need to go down the route of hating someone just to stop me talking to them. Bloody hell maybe that's how it works in the schoolyard, but after?

PeakOutput wrote:

but you really dont sound like you have a clue what you are talking about..........

Sounds that way alright. Time, age and experience should hopefully knock the corners of that though.

its not as simple as one person being to blame and one not to blame its very rare that things are black and white like that.

Bingo

anyway i think your views on this are simplistic due to it not happening to you and i think ponderer's are self destructive we will have to agree to disagree.

Agreed.

LegacyUser

Yeah ok whatever, i'm not bothered disecting your posts and answering back. I don't care if you don't believe me or see my viewpoint.

AngryBadger

i think many people tend to cheat when they're younger, I suppose it's part of growing up and all that. In my view it doesn't encessarily mark them as bad people, or cheaters or whatever.

However, I'd be very wary of getting involved with someone who has cheated so recently. particularly given that she's been cheating on her current boyfriend so she can meet with you.

Personally I think if you're involved with one person but you want to be with another person then you should end with your current partner before getting involved with another. But I know, (from experience), there are a great many people who think it's ok to stay with one person until they find a "better offer". And for me those people are so low I can't find the words.

CathyMoran

cheesedude wrote:

That's not an excuse and as bizarre as it is, the person didn't love you enough. If they did, you would still be with them.

And how do you know they would never do it again? What if Jennifer Lopez came in butt naked when that same person was feeling a bit lonely because his girlfriend was away on business...He'd bang her hard, that's what he'd do.

I married them OP, if someone is under enough pressure they can have an affair, doing so for any other reason would not be forgivable in my opinion.

funkrooney

AngryBadger wrote:

i think many people tend to cheat when they're younger, I suppose it's part of growing up and all that. In my view it doesn't encessarily mark them as bad people, or cheaters or whatever.

However, I'd be very wary of getting involved with someone who has cheated so recently. particularly given that she's been cheating on her current boyfriend so she can meet with you

I agree with you completely with you, we are gonna just see what happens, she is heading away in a month or so, and I am flat out with work. I would'nt in a month of sundays get involved in a relationship with this girl now, she is a little younger, still having fun etc as am I, but I would like to keep the friendship alive because we do both get on so well and did just click,

So we'l stay friends, if you could call it that, which it is because it has moved from that just wanting to rip one anothers clothes off to actually getting on etc etc for a few years and stay in touch, sounds stupid to many I bet, but I think that if you have a go at saying "NO NO stay here, what we have is sooo amazing etc etc, " the person will resent you and at the end of the day she is a good friend and I would like to see her happy

Thanks for all the advice lads,

And good to see that its not as dismal as I thought it may be,

davyjose

OP, I think that you want to believe that she won't cheat on you, but TBH stuff like that is usually harder the first few times, than later on. So it's unlikely she'll be daunted by the prospect of cheating, if the situation arises. I'm not saying she will cheat, but if she does, you can hardly act shocked.
Having said that it says a lot about you that you're willing to trust her. Just be careful.

funkrooney

Yeh your right, and if I am to use my brain I'l just keep it casual and let her becomes someone elses problem, cos my gut would say that once a cheater always a cheater,

That said I have seen people change, including a good mate of mine that was ridiculous at it, but met a girl and just does'nt now,

Thats why I was asking people that were cheaters, or ARE cheaters if they change, have changed,

I would love to know some of the reasons people cheated:

Peyton Manning

If you are really in love, then neither partner will cheat. Simple as.

Talliesin

People are capable of changing in just about every way physically possible.

People tend not to change though. People especially tend not to change without considerable effort.

People not given to cheating may very well cheat (yeah, even if they're really in love; really that's just an attempt to measure the immeasurable).

People given to cheating may similarly go through a period of not cheating.

Actually changing though is a lot harder.

Mrs_Doyle

I guess they can change, because when I was younger I cheated on my first boyfriend a few times, and to be honest, I didn't really feel much guilt afterward. (I just wasn't all that serious about him, and I get the feeling he would have said the same about me)

However, I have never cheated on my current boyfriend, I just couldn't do it to him, even if he never found out about it. He's too good to be treated like that.

I guess if a person is serious about their partner, they won't do it.

galah

exactly. As soon as you've found the right person, the last thing you want to do is cheat on them.

If you feel the need to cheat, something's wrong in your relationship, simple as that.