My nephew is a bad-temptered wee B..., or is he?

Jumanji

My sis has an almost 2.5year old son.

When he's in a good mood, he's affectionate, playful & generally nice to be around. Problem is, he's very rarely in a good mood.

The rest of the time, he's an absolute nightmare & has been from day one, practically.

He's her 1st, so she was defo guilty of spoiling him & still won't allow him to cry it out while in other peoples houses & instead gives in to his every whim, but she insitis it's not like this at home.

She has tried smacking him, ignoring him, the naughty step, etc, everything, but nothing makes any difference.

He cries & cries & cries, if in a bad mood you give him a sweet, he'll throw it away, yet if you pick it up as if not to give it to him, he'll screech the place down until you give it to him & then he'll throw it away again. Same with toys or anything.
He bangs his head of the floor so that he has a reason to cry, he holds his breath until he's blue in the face & has to be shook to get him to breath again.

Like I said, an absolute nightmare!!

If you want him to do something, you have to say the opposite.
If he wants milk, he'll tell you juice so that when you give him juice he screams that he doesn't want it, that he wants milk, if you then get him milk he reverses....

My mum has had babies / children in her house now for over 35 years & she knows their every move & every trick in the book, but tbh, she's very worried about this child.
She's afraid there could be something mentally wrong with him.
I can't emphasise enough that this is no ordinary run of the mill terrible twos tantrum.
We've seen all too many of those before to be able to distinguish the difference.

Physically there doesn't look to be anything wrong with him. He has the cheekiest face on him, development wise he seems perfectly fine. Walked when he was supposed to, can scribble on pages, is talking some (though maybe not as well as he should, but not so bad as to be a concern either, I don't think)

Can a child really be ust that bad tempered?

I know none of you are qualified to say, but I'm just putting it out there incase it sounds all too familiar to some of ye, & maybe you can shed some light.

Thanks

smashey

Jumanji wrote:

My sis has an almost 2.5month old son.Thanks

He's a bit young.

Jumanji

Sorry Smashey, fixed.

microgirl

Sounds to my very inexperienced and not-a-professional ears like he might have something like ADD/ADHD. I'd certainly agree with your mam that he has some sort of emotional/behavioural issue. (and before anyone hits me with the "ADHD is just a make-believe cop-out for bad parenting" stick, no it is not. It is a genuine behavioural disorder. Just because there are those out there who label any badly-behaved child with it and use said label to absolve themselves doesn't take away from the fact that there are those whose lives are severely affected by it)

Bottom line though is that if you have concerns (and they do seem warranted to me) take him to a professional.

Nevyn

I would suggest that she try doing a parent course herslef and try change the patterns of behaviour and that she have him assed by the local health nurse and her dr and if needs be get a referal.

There are a range of reasons at that age from diet to interpersonal reactions to needing tougher boundaires, they don't call them the terrible twos for no reason;
but if the end of tethers are being reached then get help.

Victor

Jumanji wrote:

He bangs his head of the floor so that he has a reason to cry, he holds his breath until he's blue in the face & has to be shook to get him to breath again.

While not healthy, you can't die from this, you automatic reflexes make you breathe after about 2 minutes. I suspect making him laugh (or scream!) might stop it.

When I was about 4*, I threw an infamous wobbler as everyone else was allowed go Christmas shopping and I wasn't as I had a cold. No amount of explaining or bribing (full bag of Foxes Glacier Fruits) would do anything. I think I went so far as staying in my room and refusing dinner. Sometimes kids do genuinely feel aggrieved. Although as you suggest, he may be taking it too far.

But I think finding that bag of sweets two weeks later was bloody great!


* At that point I was in school 6 months - packed off 5 days before my younger brother was born. I resent(ed) being one of 8 children, 3 of whom had difficulties. 2 parents divided by 8 children doesn't work.

Ickle Magoo

TBH he sounds like a pretty normal 2.5yr old to me. I know several kids who head-bang or breath-hold - it's pretty common. It's a power thing that is almost always guaranteed to get attention, hence the motive for doing it. When you are 2 you have very little control over your life but breathing, eating, toileting, sleep & self-harm are some of the few - and hence why they are the most common issues to have with a toddler.

My son is the same age & has done pretty much all of what you have described to me at some stage. He can be pretty grumpy when he's going through a growth spurt & he seems to lurch from one phase straight into another equally annoying one, lol.

You say your sis spoils him & gives in to his demands, that's fatal - even if it is only in other peoples houses because she's just teaching him to throw a wobbler & he'll get what he wants because she will back down in those situations. It's very hard to discipline a child of that age because their comprehension of right & wrong at that level (wanting something & being told no) is pretty basic, they have very little self-control & even less reason or logic - a terrible combination, hence the terrible-two's label. Between the looks & mutterings of onlookers you have to have nerves of steel to stick to your guns & let a 2yr old throw a full-on wobbler in the middle of the supermarket or their Granny's but it is the only way they learn. Toddlers have a fantastic ability to find very quickly the most annoying or embarrassing behaviour that will get them their own way in the shortest possible time, lol.

The only thing that works for us is complete consistency. Each behavior, good or bad, must have exactly the same response (agreed by myself & Mr Magoo) regardless of where we are/what we are doing. I think toddlers need concrete boundaries & even then they will keep pushing & pushing to see how far they can take things.

You don't say whether your sis is at all worried just that you & your mother is - if your sis thinks there is a deeper issue then she should take him to the Dr or PHN. My MIL was a child-minder & yet my kids do things she has never seen before, all kids are different depending on their personal diet, environment, stimulations, parenting, even generation to generation, etc, etc, etc. hth

Nevyn

PHN = Public Health Nurse.

Ickle Magoo

Sorry for the abreviation - I'm so used to saying it that way!

littlebitdull

I totally agree with Ickle Magoo.

I have three kids - thankfully over the toddler terrible twos now - but what you need to do most of all is stick to your guns with them.

And decide on a course of action and stick with it. You say your sister has tried smacking, ignoring him, the step etc ... but what she really needs to do is stick with one way of reacting to his behaviour. You can not chop and change.

If you use time out - and this is the method I would recommend most - then you need to do it all the time. And not just for a week or two, its more of a long term thing.

Another great way for kids to do what you want them to do is reward charts. I have found them great over the years, each good behaviour earns a sticker on a page. Enough stickers and you get a reward. Works a treat.

First and foremost she needs to step up to the mark and be his parent. Dont give in to the screams and demands... if he asks for milk then he gets milk, and does not get to change his mind and scream for juice.!!

Victor

What is 'the step'?

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Toddlers have a fantastic ability to find very quickly the most annoying or embarrassing behaviour that will get them their own way in the shortest possible time, lol.

If I see a toddler throwing a wobbler in public, I ask them whats wrong. Shuts them up quite quickly. They know they can do it to the parent, but they don't know how to manipulate 'strangers'.

Smellyirishman

Victor wrote:

What is 'the step'?

I assume it's like "The Nanny"'s thing, where you sit them down on the step for X amount of time and if they move before the time is over they go back on for X amount of time.

kelle

Jumanji wrote:

My sis has an almost 2.5year old son.

When he's in a good mood, he's affectionate, playful & generally nice to be around. Problem is, he's very rarely in a good mood.

The rest of the time, he's an absolute nightmare & has been from day one, practically.

He's her 1st, so she was defo guilty of spoiling him & still won't allow him to cry it out while in other peoples houses & instead gives in to his every whim, but she insitis it's not like this at home.

She has tried smacking him, ignoring him, the naughty step, etc, everything, but nothing makes any difference.

He cries & cries & cries, if in a bad mood you give him a sweet, he'll throw it away, yet if you pick it up as if not to give it to him, he'll screech the place down until you give it to him & then he'll throw it away again. Same with toys or anything.
He bangs his head of the floor so that he has a reason to cry, he holds his breath until he's blue in the face & has to be shook to get him to breath again.

Like I said, an absolute nightmare!!

If you want him to do something, you have to say the opposite.
If he wants milk, he'll tell you juice so that when you give him juice he screams that he doesn't want it, that he wants milk, if you then get him milk he reverses....

My mum has had babies / children in her house now for over 35 years & she knows their every move & every trick in the book, but tbh, she's very worried about this child.
She's afraid there could be something mentally wrong with him.
I can't emphasise enough that this is no ordinary run of the mill terrible twos tantrum.
We've seen all too many of those before to be able to distinguish the difference.

Physically there doesn't look to be anything wrong with him. He has the cheekiest face on him, development wise he seems perfectly fine. Walked when he was supposed to, can scribble on pages, is talking some (though maybe not as well as he should, but not so bad as to be a concern either, I don't think)

Can a child really be ust that bad tempered?

I know none of you are qualified to say, but I'm just putting it out there incase it sounds all too familiar to some of ye, & maybe you can shed some light.

Thanks

Ha! That sounds like my eldest child (though he didn't do the banging of his head or holding of his breath). I spent the first 4 years of his life despising him for making my life a living hell. I could not take him shopping, I often had to leave houses or shops after 5 minutes as he would take tantrums, the only person who could mind him was my mother-in-law and she'd get tired of him after a couple of hours. I could have written a book about him. People said he could have ADHD, or there was something mentally wrong and that drove me demented because I just knew there wasn't. My parenting was also questioned, but I had a daughter 2 years younger who was quiet and placid!
He's now 6, still a little agressive, but a dream in comparison to what he was. He's after getting an excellent school report, he helps me with his baby sister (though fights with 4-year-old sister), keeps his bedroom tidy, helps me when we're out shopping.
He's a highly intelligent boy, and I reckon a lot of the problem was he wasn't stimulated enough. It's hard to constantly play with them all the time when you've a smaller child and housework to do!
I wouldn't write off your nephew just yet.

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

Jumanji wrote:

She has tried smacking him, ignoring him, the naughty step, etc, everything, but nothing makes any difference.

i think you have isolated the problem here.

jackrory344

first time poster. hello this sounds like my son, who is 4 and 2 months, i don't believe there is anything wrong with him, we have major tantrums, screaming, kicking, punching older brother, it can go on for hours, and generally won't stop, till he's ready. we can be pulling our hair out at times. it seems like he's been this way from birth (almost) but when he is good he is adorable. most of his tantrums are self inflicted, and his sheer sturberness, to listen and act on what my wife and i say to him..eg. "when you are quite you can come out of your room" will cause him to scream louder and get angrier. but i feel he will be a much happier kid when he does decide to listen. he is a very bright kid- i guess most parents are guilty of saying this:), we're hoping when he starts school in sept. it'll do him good..

EcoGirl

I absolutely recommend the book "How to Listen So Kids'll Talk and Talk so Kids'll Listen" by Faber and Mazlish. Lousy title, terrific book. Gives the most amazing prenting tools.

Like, reflecting the child's emotions back to them, honouring the feelings in other words, (without giving into them if that's not appropriate). So "I know, you really wanted that sweet, didn't you? You would have LOVED that sweet, you really wanted it". This works amazingly well - often the child needs to be validated and acknowledged even more than the want whatever it is they want.

Label the child's emotions: "You're feeling so angry now." Or "You're feeling so frustrated because you can't have the sweets". My son used to say, "I'm so sustated" (frustrated) - he couldn't even say the word, but he knew the feeling and labelling it gave him power over the feeling rather than the feeling having power over him.

Grant the child's wishes in fantasy. "I WISH I could give you those sweets. In fact, I wish I could give you a whole bag of sweets - no! The room full of sweets! The house!" Again, sounds mad, but it works, and the child will end up laughing and maybe join in on incrasing the fantasy.

Always say yes, if possible. "Yes, you may have a sweet, just as soon as you've eaten your dinner", is better than "No, you can't have a sweet, you have to eat your dinner". Of course, if you don't want the child to have the sweet after dinner, change what you say: "Yes you may have a sweet, on Sunday". The child doesn't know what Sunday means, but again their desires are being considered important and that means the world.

have a look at this website too: http://www.fabermazlish.com/

Good luck with it,

hellbell123

tbh this sounds like a bad case of terrible twos..my eldest was like this thankfully only for a short while..and also a little niece of mine was the same .

some kids are just more difficult than others but i do agree with other posters if your very worried talk to you health care worker at least for some reassurance.

another good book is toddler taming ..some pretty good practical advice in there

ceidefields

First off, some kids are naturally much easier going than others and every child is different. Boys tend to be more difficult at this age IMO. My son is eight and when he was two his preschool teacher told me he would never succeed in a classroom because he spent all day running around and moving (he was two!!! that's what they do at that age).

Anyway to get to the point, some kids need very very firm structure and consistency. The same routine every day, the same consequences each and every time they do something wrong and lots of running around outside. I don't think your nephew has ADD but it would definitely be worthwhile getting him evaluated. And even if that turns out to be the case, the whole consistency thing becomes even more important.

The problem with a two year old and consequences is it's very difficult to enforce. I generally find timeout and IGNORING the tantrum work very well but it's hard to get a two year old to sit still on a chair (or whatever). Putting them in their bedroom and ignoring might work.