New Soccer Rules

dublinario · 17-07-2007 7:08pm #1

Saw this over in the humour board. Someone suggested throwing it up here.

Flanco wrote:

Proving that God has a morbid sense of humour, the international Curling season terminates at the same time as the premiership, leaving us bereft of any credible sport to obsess over. Confronted with this grim reality, I wish to expire some of my over-long, baron life by offering my top 10 enhancements to the rules of soccer (or as water polo players call it, "land ball").

1. Twenty two man enter. One man leave.

2. Celebrity refs (some would say they already exist. Topical. Eh? Eh?). Who was ever going to quietly take their marching orders from David Ellery? If Ellery politely asked me to move my car because it was blocking his, I'm pretty sure I'd find it impossible NOT to unilaterally surround him and bollock him out of it, veins bulging from my stocky neck, peppering him with ferocious insults and threats. He just has that kind of face. But if I was receiving my marching orders from, say, Peter Andre, Alf (or the guy who had his hand up Alf), or that guy off the Halifax ad, you better believe I'm going to take my medicine on the chin (please excuse the mixed metaphor. I've been drinking heavily, and I think my marriage is in crisis. She says she still loves me, but she's been staying over in my brother's house a lot these days. Thing is, I don't remember ever introducing them. Ah, I'm probably imagining things)

3. Legalisation of Rugby-style lineout 'hoists' for soccer corner kicks. Players can form a pack and lift a team mate skyward in anticipation of the ball. No restriction will be placed on the size or complexity of the structure teams are permitted to construct in the pursuit of height. For example, a desperate team, seconds away from crashing embarrassingly out of the FA cup to lowly Spurs, may elect to throw together a full, 11-player human pyramid. 9 of the players would build the guts of the superstructure whilst the other 2 take a short corner. The corner takers would combine to boot the ball as high into the air over the box as humanly possible, affording themselves the requisite time to sprint into the box and scale to the top of the pyramid. If everything has gone according to plan - and this is a big 'if' - a simple tap-in header should be on the cards, unless the opposition team has countered by also constructing an 11-man human pyramid to sort of, 'lean' into them. This is the kind of manoeuvre that you'd have to work out on the training ground. Trying to wing it on the day would be near impossible.

4. Players can achieve a legally-binding transfer by wrestling an opponent player to the ground and stealing his jersey. By default, if you can get fully into the jersey in under a minute (jersey must be the right way around), you are bound to that jersey's team on a 2 year deal with pay-related bonuses and dental cover, and you immediately assume playing duties for your new club. If, however, you fail to get fully into the jersey - for example, you end up sharing an arm each with your adversary - then you instantly become the property of Accrington Stanley on a whopping 12-year contract, in line with their lowest earner's wages. Worth the risk?

5.Two words: land mines. Obviously I don't mean full explosive charges with the ability to maim or kill, but perhaps some crude devices that would temporarily blind a careless player for 10 - 15 minutes. My only concern would be long-term side effects for clutsy players. If you're going to have the likes of Emile Heskey triggering every land mine on every pitch up and down the length and breath of England, his insurance premium would be astronomical.

6. If a dog runs onto the pitch, first team to catch the dog is awarded The World Cup, even if they're only a club. Naturally this rule only applies to televised fixtures wherein the authenticity of the pooche's Littlest Hobo credentials can be verified (if it doesn't at least look like its name could be 'scrappy' or 'scruffy', then the act is null and void). Just chucking a Rottweiler onto the pitch is also not permitted. The dog must have found its way into the stadium of its own doggie volition.

7. Peforming a Phil Babb (copyright) either-side-of-the-post sliding tackle at any time during a game garners your team an instant penalty, provided visual proof of testicular damage can be produced to two independent stewards.

8. In their efforts to distract a penalty taker, the opposition team may surround and encroach upon the taker, so long as they don't touch him (or her) and confine their distraction exclusively to Armpit Farts.

9. The full New Zealand Haka is is the only legally permitted goal celebration, and is mandatory. Failure, by even one player, to fully action the Haka will result in the opposite team being awarded a goal instead. That team then have 5 seconds to assemble and break into their own Haka. Failing this, both teams are relegated not one, but two divisions, and have their stadiums repossessed.

10. Tigers on chains in 3 of the pitch's 4 corners, ala the film Gladiator. The tiger will be given sufficient slack to discourage players taking the ball into the corner to play out time. The slack will be withdrawn sufficiently to allow players take corners, albeit with only a 1 step run up. In the 4th corner will be placed a Platypus on a chain. In the heat of battle, under pressure from defenders, a player may momentarily lose their barrings and accidentally flinch when the Platypus rubs its snout on their shin. This will be funny because everybody will know he (or she) flinched because they thought they were about to die at the jaws of a carnivorous tabby, leading to their being ridiculed by the fans and press alike. Soccer AM will likely have a slot called "Look who's afraid of the platypus", or something wittier.

There you have it Blatter. You have your mandate. Now go get 'em (you big stupid gargoyle).