....... poem about a man

angelicsaz

found
face down, crisom stained, poppy spots
struggling to move
when standing
leaning awkwardly on the counter
with the face of a child
'i know i did something really terrible but i dont know how to fix it'
he cant get a word in
and as he tries to sit
crashes
she picks up her coffee and steps over the tangled mess lying on the cold tiles
when finally seated
i see a boy
in a mans body
head in his hands
wanting the childhood he never had
wishing for the parents he never knew
saying sorry because no one taught him
how to be.

Johnny Meagher

angelicsaz wrote:

found
face down, crisom stained, poppy spots
struggling to move
when standing
leaning awkwardly on the counter
with the face of a child
'i know i did something really terrible but i dont know how to fix it'
he cant get a word in
and as he tries to sit
crashes
she picks up her coffee and steps over the tangled mess lying on the cold tiles
when finally seated
i see a boy
in a mans body
head in his hands
wanting the childhood he never had
wishing for the parents he never knew
saying sorry because no one taught him
how to be.

a bit unclear for me, "she picks up" then "I see a boy", had too look up "crisom" and only found "chrisom" or maybe "chrism" = baby's baptismal robe? first I "saw" "crimson stained" as in "blood stained", just a misreading. now I am reading a kind of combination between original sin (" 'i know i did something really terrible but i dont know how to fix it' ") and the man/boy's sin or crime. having figured out the image with "crisom stained" I like the toddler unstable steps verus the man/boy's perhaps drunken staggering? "he can't get a word in", bit confused by this, drunken? slurring? versus baby babble? I don't like the last line, I think you can do better. If the core image/idea is baby baptised (which of course means original sin "forgiven") versus man/boy unlearned in the world and sinning (killing, hurting?) without understanding I feel you should bring it out more.

Value of above remarks at current market rates: 2 cents

angelicsaz

thanks

pinchmycheeks

refreshing cold and a journey