hes just too quick

LegacyUser

I am feeling increasingly frustrated by the fact that my boyfriend just cant seem to last during sex. I'm not even just talking about the act of intercourse but the whole thing. By the time hes cum im only just getting going. He has tried just paying attention to me but he always gets over excited and ends up cuming on my leg or something which makes him feel even worse about it.

We have talked about it and I must admit it is getting better (at the start he couldnt even penetrate me without ejeculating) but the problem now is that i have recently moved a few hours away from him and so we cant see each other as much so it isnt possible to just have lots of short sex. I'm finding myself feeling increasing annoyed at him although he does say he's trying to last longer it just dosn't seem to be happening. Everything else about the sex is great, I just need more of it!

Any advice or ideas in how to help him last would be much appriciated. Oh he also loses his erection easily so turning himself off in order to last longer isnt any use.

geuro

hey there op

chances are he is very inexperienced. the fact that he loses his erection so easily indicates that he is self conscious about his performance, loss of erection is usually a symptom of sexual anxiety or worry. you're gonna have to have a bit of patience with him. if you need great sex right away, and can't wait for him, well then call it a day with him and find someone with more experience. otherwise try to be patient with him

Nevyn

and what makes you think that 1 ejaculation should be the end of it ?

if he does come that soon then don't let the love making/shagging/sex stop.
Chances are he will last a lot longer the second time arround and until he is ready set him the challenge to see how many orgasms he can give you with out using his cock.

LegacyUser

id say start off with oral untill you cum, then it will satisfy you (i hope) and take the pressure off him for the main thing! with less pressure he'll last longer and his erection will stay longer.

karen3212

I think he should do it before you arrive to see him, by himself, that way he might be able to slow down when you are together.

Also some men are very very sensitive about their performance, so please please try to be very gentle with him if you are discussing it.

Men will prob give you better advice than I could on this though.

Mr. Incognito

hmmmmmmm.

sometimes with drink us men can go forever but you can't keep drugging his cornflakes indefinetly. It sounds like he's getting too excited too fast. He needs to pull back and calm down when he's nearly there. ten times tables, hey whatever works. Maybe he should have a tug in the morning before he meets you as that seems to get the over-excitement out of the system later on in the day.

matt-dublin

yeah a quick tom hand-cock either in the morning, or an hour or two before you arrive should see him lasting longer during intercourse.

also make him think of barney rubble in a bikini....

But also you should see it as a compliment that he gets so turned on by you

Marksie

Thankfully OP, i am at home today so can really take time to answer your post fully (though i am sadly neglecting my housework..what the hell).

First off, this is an extremely common issue with many couples.

There are so many interconnected issues that i am trying to summarise here, so bear with me as i attempt to structure them coherently, but hopefulkly i will challenge you to review things:

Margot anand describes what you have told us as the orgasmic or ecstatic gap between men and women.

Society has conditioned us all into beliveing that orgasm and male ejaculatory orgasms are the be all and end of of sexual intercourse. They are not.
Sexual awakening response and sexual ecstacy are independent of the need to obtain an orgasm in the excepted sense (thiough not wanting to contradict this statement, when you reach this any of the 4 types of orgasms, can be achieved with what frequency and duration you desire... but lets not get ahead of ourselves here!!).
It should after all be a journey and an awakening.

The first, and biggest challenge for you is to ovecome what society has led you to believe. Step back and look at it from your own personal prespective

The second challenge for you is to realise something. Your partner is not responsible for your own pleasure, you are. If you consciously wish to obtain a basic genital orgasm, your partner is a facilitator, it after all derives from within you.
Thus, rather than feeling frustrated, look at what you could have done to change the situation. Did you for example: show him how you wanted to be touched?, Have evenings where no penetration was allowed, instead explored each other? Communicated and encourage your partner to explore your body.... and encouraged your partner to communuicate what he wants and how he likes to be touched etc. All without leading him to the brink and beyond? Watched each other in a self pleasuiring ritual?
Have you made love with no particular goal, just enjoying the moment.
Before even thinking of working with your partner, understand yourself.

Its not as hard as it looks. but relies on open communication, whihc you will both have to work on.

Anand geho has some little rules, which are more like guidleines lol: If you want your partner to be open, be open yourself. If you want your partner to be vulnerable be vulnerable yourself. If you want your partner to be an ecstatic lover become one yourself(my highlight).

In other words: lead the way.

When you have this to heart, then encourage your partner to go the same way. In that way you both can be working from the same sheet, with the same groundwork (think of it as building a house... the stronger the foundation, the better the house).

Use touching and what is called foreplay (though it doesn't come before anything really) to narrow the ecstatic gap between you two.

If commuication is an issue, workon it, open to intimacy. Again, you take the lead and do it openly. If at first its not reciprocated, fine, eventually it will be if you remain open to it.

OK thats one aspect, the self and your relationship to your lover.

The second one i want to talk about is the physical. we are not talking about positions or penetrative techniques, but means now where you can encourage your lover to increase the time he can "last for" for want of a better term. (it may seem oxymoronic that i have gone on about not worrying about orgasm and am now talking about prolonging erection but they are all connected in teh whole experience).
There are several things you can do, use it as play together and alone to understand yourselfs.

PC control: not a computer trem i am afraid but it refers to the Pubococcygeus muscle. It controls various things in both men and women, including the seminal canal. If you seueeze this muscle when close to orgasm, you can stop ejaculation (in women you can enhance the esperience..even use it to massage a penis whihc is prone to premature ejaculation so that it doesnt ejaculate and remnains erect or semi-erect)

You can locate it by stopping Peeing in mid flow. Thta is the msucle.
You will need to strengethen it by execrises, the squeeze techique n menor kegels in women. Try squeezing and holding 30 times a day and holding for initially 3 seconds. Dont do too muhc or you wiol strain it!
Its something you can practice as play together as it feels nice..or hell even do it in teh shopping queue at tescos, makes the waiting muhc more pleasant.

Mutal pleasureing and self pleasuring. You can bring each other or the selves to point then stop, and squeeze the pc. Practicing alone may help and it will gradually prolong and allow stronger erections. My recommendation is to bring yourselves to the point three times initially then reward ourselves (oh and not how much stronger things get in terms of response). Eventually working it up to as many as you want.

The golden spot: located somewhere betwwen the perineum and anus, put a finger on that and press and you will stop ejaculation. its so trejmed reputedly because an empereor paid a million in gold to the person that found it.

Breathing: Deep cosncsious breathing will have benefits as will, sticking the tongue into the palate of the mouth.

POsitions..well vary intensity and depth and position, explore and try. Shallow fast, deep slow. Use pc sequuzes insteaad. Woman on top controlling.

If the inevitable happens....why does he stop?... or why do you stop? continue goodness, he k may lose erection, but the fingers donet go limp do they?
That is always worth remembereing....
get over the idea of erection= good lovemaking.
It doesn't

Now, if you change your attitude and view, thej the physical will slip into place nicely. It wont happen overnight, but you can see that if you begin to explore openly, you will begin to have a wonferul time doing it. Eventually you will get the foundations in place, then OP the sky is the imit.

Good luck OP and have fun !
(edit: turning himself off is not a good idea, neiother is thinking about soemthing else liike lists fo football teams: it belies the basic premise that somoene is present in teh here and now with the other.)

Canis Lupus

Setanta wrote:

ten times tables, hey whatever works. .

Chuckle... Backwards helps when you're having those moments... Try not to say it out loud tho. Tends to make you seem weird.

10*10 is 100

pant

9*10 is 90

pant lol.

Mr. Presentable

Thaedydal wrote:

and what makes you think that 1 ejaculation should be the end of it ?

if he does come that soon then don't let the love making/shagging/sex stop.
Chances are he will last a lot longer the second time arround and until he is ready set him the challenge to see how many orgasms he can give you with out using his cock.

We don't know what age the guy is. Maybe he's in his 60's or more, and one is all he can manage :eek: It might also explain the hair trigger

LegacyUser

karen3212 wrote:

Also some men are very very sensitive about their performance, so please please try to be very gentle with him if you are discussing it.

This is very true. I used to be very nervious and thought I couldn't satisfy a girl. I'm sure my ex dumped me because of it, but she never told me and it broke me inside. I couldn't keep thinknig about it and avoiding dating because of it. I met this amazing new girl a couple of months ago, and we've started doing it. She was so kind and gentle, and really relaxed me (but was rough and dirty when she needs be!!). It gave me amazing confidence, and she always complimented 'him'. It's got to the stage I can come, and he'll still be hard waiting for more! She's nearly annoyed how much he seems to want it after she's well finished!
A lot of it really is in the mind. I hope he finds his confidence, and you'll both be so happy when he does!

LegacyUser

I have the opposite problem with my BF in that he can last for ages, I mean literally anything up and past half an hour while penetrated (in fact, Im not really sure if that is really considered long, but Im guessing it is?)

Anyway... I usually find that I get quite sore around the opening and often need to ask him him to stop penetrated and I then finish pleasuring him with my hand or something of the likes. Does anybody else have this problem or do ye think maybe this is actually something I should get looked into (medically, just asking opinions, not medical advice!!!)?

Regards the OP, as suggested, havning her BF "satisfied" prior tp meeting up could def help, good luck!

LegacyUser

'Wow thanks Marksie thats some great sounding advice, I think im defiantly going to talk with him about muscle strengthing idea. To other people who were talking about him being sensitive about his performance, he is a bit, problem is im not really that good with tact, i'm a very blunt person, but he knows that and knew I wasnt being mean.

Some more details, my boyfriend and I are very open sexually with each other. I find that with him I can just go with it and do what feels good more than I ever could with other guys. Hes a good bit older than me but i'm much much much more experianced than him, hes only had sex with a few girls and its all been very straightforward sex whereas ive had a good few partners and pretty much done everything there is to do except for things envolving **** (eugh I just dont get how that turns anyone on, but each to thier own i suppose). He could well be intimidated. I don't like being touched with rough man hands down there and oral feels too slobbery to me so i always end up finishing myself off which might make him feel like hes not good enough to make me orgasm. He is good enough and i would if he could just hold off a little longer!

I think as well as workng on the muscles i'm going to try and enjoy being touched in other ways, possibly I have a mental barrier with regards to oral. I think my frustration is mainly steming from the fact I want to feel that special closeness that you only get during penetration for longer as opposed to wanting sexual gratification.'

Marksie

Hi OP: juts reread my initial post...sorry about the spelling mistakes, it happens, i tend to type as i am thinking.

I read with interest your response and would like to comment.

There may very well be an issue with performance on your B/f behalf given what you have said. Juts try taking a step back and really going to twon on each other without penetration.

Ok.. "rough man hands". Guide him and communicate. Its a two way process.
Alternatively, you can m*sturbate yourselves in front of each other. It may seem a bit nerve wracking at first but if he watches how you pleasure yourself, then he knows how to touch then.

If you are still a little nervous about doing that, then perhaps put a scarf over your face so you dont see your partner while initialy starting will help.
Also, get him to do it to himself and you can learn as well.
Again its about communication, letting your partner know what feels good to you, how you like it and encourageing him when he is trying.

Oral: well, yes, it depends how its done, but if the guy doesnt use his saliva too much or actually swallows then it should be fine, also its depends where and how he is kissing and licking. Which really is a whole thread in itself. Probably more sutable for the S+s forum tbh. Again though, if you think you have an issue with it try and think about what it is. You use the word slobbery, so that may indicate you dont like the thoughts of excessive wetness. Towels may help underneath you for example.

The bottom line, is not how many partners you have had really, as every one is slightly different. But rather what you are doing with your current partner.
You have probably some idea of what you like and what turns you on, he may not. Use your knowledge and begin to show your partner. Also encourage him to explore himself and then begin to teach you about himself.

Edit: I noticed there was one thing i had missed that i had meant to include. When you approach orgasm, you inveitably go into tension and shallow breathing. If your B/F cosnciously relaxes and breathes deeply it will help to stop him reaching ejac*lation, the energy from teh orgasm will still be there and he can build onto it.

CrazyNoob

OP get him to use different condom

Perfomex (SP) from Durex
Grey pack

I got a pack as they were the only ones available in store and it took ages, was torture!!
They definately delay it considerably

Next time I'll be more picky in choosing. All that prolonged and excessive excerise nearly killed me!

mcauley

I think those "perform" condoms have a solution inside of the condom that reduces the sensation for the guy, therefore making it last longer.So that could be a worthwhile solution?

shapez

Read: The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know available in any good book store. Highly recommanded!!!

Marksie

shapez wrote:

Read: The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know available in any good book store. Highly recommanded!!!

Same authors of the multi orgasmic couple. Its a taoist philosophy. A good starting point indeed

azezil

Suggest he have a **** a few hours before you come over, that should sort him out!

shapez

Marksie wrote:

Same authors of the multi orgasmic couple. Its a taoist philosophy. A good starting point indeed

Thanks. Just reading your replies. I take it you've read a few of these books also?

Marksie

shapez wrote:

Thanks. Just reading your replies. I take it you've read a few of these books also?

Yes, also i would draw attention to margot anands "the art of sexual ecstacy" which isnt in print but you can get it second hand easy enough, you can get her Skydancinng tantra, but i think its linked with the first one i mentioned.

and geho's Tantric love: the journey to spiritual and sexual ecstacy.

There are quite a few in my little library, but those stand out for me and the first forms the particular training path i am on.

I suppose that if you wanted something to give you ideas, you could try "sinful sex" by Pam spur and kenneth ray stubbs is great for giving ideas on massage techniques

Talliesin

nipplenuts wrote:

Maybe ... one is all he can manage :eek:

Doesn't necessarily mean he loses all motor ability in the rest of his body.