partner cheating! what to do?

derealbadger

I apologise for the length of this post but it is from the heart and I need some advice..... I would really appreciate it if some of you would take the time to read it and reply?

I am a 35yo male. My partner and I have been going out for 15 years now and living together for 12. we have a 10 year old son. I love them both very much....

I trusted her 100% and have never been unfaithful..

Things are very good between us and we really get on great together and have a great sex life as well. we are building a new house at the minute and life is good in general.

I am not the jealous type at all but some things of late just have not added up.

1) about 2 months ago she tells me she is going to meet one of her friends and will stay over. I had no problem with this and when she came back the next day I asked her how she got on and she told me all about the night and her friend's news etc etc... A few days later I was shopping and bumped into her friend and she said "will you ever get her to ring me.... I havn't seen her in ages" I said was she not with you the other night and the friend hushed up immediately and made an excuse and left... I said nothing about this at the time or since. Just didn't make anything of it...

2) a few weeks ago she tells me she is bringing her mother to the hospital and will be back late... this would be normal as her mother is not well... she texed me during the day and let me know that she would be late as the place was packed and they would stop for something to eat coming home.... I went to bed around 11 and around 12.30 she came home. I noticed she was wearing make-up and dressed to kill (only wears make up when going out but just pretended to remain asleep)

3) I still have said nothing btw although things are not adding up.. 2 weeks ago she tells me she is going to a fundraiser with her parents and I offer to babysit. after I get my son to bed he starts crying with a toothache and I can't find calpol anywhere so i try ringing her but cant get an answer for an hour. So I ring her mother as I think they are together but they are at the fundraiser but she is not with them... I tell them I must have misunderstood and I would ring her directly.... still no answer and I eventually get the young lad to sleep... about 1.30 pm she texts me and tells me she is staying in her partents house. I text her back and tell her I was talking to her mother and she hadn't seen her and was everything ok.... she said she had met her brother and they had gone out for a few drinks and she was staying in his house and didn't want to worry me... I met her brother the next day and he made a point of telling me she stayed in his house....

4) I have still said nothing and really hoping it will all just go away and that I'm wrong.....

BUT then the bombshell!!! I go to get something out of her car and am having a root for it when i discover under the seat a bag with some stuff in it. I have a look and it has some lingerie and some sex toys along with a pack of condoms and some porn.. I have never seen any of this before... now i decide to do some snooping around and findout what is going on. I ask her out stright is there something going on and mentioned the night that she didn't stay with her friend. We had a row and she stormed out and returned later and saying that she was sorry for not telling me but she had gone to a show in Dublin with another friend without me and hadn't said anything to me about it.... I left it at that for the minute.

5) I do some looking around and have a look at her text messages the other day but there was nothing out of the ordinary. then I have another look in her car and the same bag of stuff was there but in the glove box there was another mobile phone that I didn't know about and it was on. My worst fears have been confirmed....... it has all the detials that I didn't want to hear... she has several texts from a guy of a intimate nature and in the gallery it has pics of him including intimate pics of him as well.... One of the last messages says that he is really looking forward to seeing her this week and the he has a room booked for them etc etc... I sent some of the messages to my own phone and some of the pics and put everything back as it was.... I had planned to confront her that day but chickened out and have said nothing since..

The problem is I really love her and my son... I just want things back the way they were... part of me feels like I really wish I hadn't found out at all.... and another part of me want to scream and shout at her (something I've never done...) She has made an excuse about going to her brothers again tomorrow night and will prob stay over....

I'm really at my wits end and don't know what to do. I spoke to my best friend about it and he reckons I should just leave her immediately... but I really don't want to do this.. Any advice from anyone appreciated..... I don't want to loose her or my son...

Many thanks,

The Badger!

Ph3n0m

Sorry to hear about all this, and speaking from experience, all I can say is

Dont be a doormat - she has cheated on you, it is pretty clear whats going on.

You just need to get your head straight - even if she claimed she stopped seeing this person - how can you ever trust her again?

Sorry to be harsh - but if I were you, and I was to some extent in a previous relationship - get out and get out now.

If you decide to go down that route - make sure you absolutely do not lose your contact with your child (plenty of organisations out there can help)

Some people will suggest talking, blah blah blah - but not me, its a case of once bitten, twice shy.

But then I read your post again and see this

I don't want to loose her or my son...

And that simply tells me you have already made up your mind not do anything for the immediate future.

So I dont know what kind of advice you are looking for - or maybe you are actually waiting for someone to tell you to go sort it out...sorry but I cant do that.

biko

I just want things back the way they were.

Well, that's not going to happen.

Would you be able to continue living with her knowing this?
If you do then you'll have to consider letting her having this affair until, maybe, she will leave you.

If you cannot live with her knowing all this you must confront her with the evidence - maybe also this post.

First make up your mind and think through the consequences - the split - the boy - friends and family reactions.

King of Kings

badger
was in a kinda of similar situation with my ex-wife it involved text messages ,disappearing a lot and lies which first made me suspect things were afoot.
like you i had a young son and was anxious to keep things together.

you need to be strong and confront her. Otherwise she will just continue at this game. I confronted my ex and i got the usual indignation about "how i dare I snoop etc.." I countered with my snooping was nothing compared to tearing the family apart.

In the end we split and I'm much happier -my son stays with me 3 nights a week and I'm really enjoying life.

You are probably afraid of the unknown. You've been with this woman since you were 20.
But embracing that change is so much better than losing respect for yourself. cos if you stay put and allow this to continue then thats is what will happen.

Things aren't going to go back to the way they were. she has ruined it.
end of.
You need to be looking at getting out of your relationship but maintain one with your son.
At 35 you have so much of life ahead of you - why are you settling for a miserable one?

You need to get legal advice on your rights as a dad, you don't say if you are married. If

One word of note: if you do split don't leave the family home whatever. you will lose all rights if you do - even amicably until its legally agreed.

pm me if you want to chat in detail

LegacyUser

God, man, I don't know what to say to U here.
This is heart-breaking for U. I think it is a good
idea to come one here and ask for some opinion
and options. Some people might well have been
down that road before.

I would gather a little more evidence (to be sure, to be sure ...
so to speak) ; it can't do U any harm, if it is true and things
go really pear-shaped ... And, afterall, U are the innocent party.

Could I suggest - U spend a bit of money and hire a pvt
detective to gather some pictures, addresses, for example.

I'm thinking ... if it's really true ... it's going to be very hard
for U to leave ... but, U might not have any other option.

Wish U the best.

py2006

OP, I am so sorry to hear about this!

You really need to confront her outright with this! She is getting away with it and making a total and utter fool out of you.

To be brutally honest this relationship is dead in the water and will never return to the way it was! Sorry but there sooner you accept this the better.

Please dont be a dormat and let this carry on. Does she realise she will be hurting her son aswell when/if he finds out!

I hope your not married to this woman! She would most likely get everything!

davyjose

Oh wow OP, that is genuinely heartbreaking. I am actually personally affected by that. I feel hurt by it. So I can only imagine how you must feel.
Of course this leads me to think: If she could do something so unfair, so inconsiderate to your feelings, then can you really be with her? Can you really offer this person your heart, your love, your LIFE, if they can treat it this way? I think not.
You found sex toys and porn!!! She didn't even leave them with him? This is such an added kick in the teeth. And one which will make you realise, when you look back, that you made a lucky escape. She will be the one left with regret for the rest of her life.

Best of luck

EDIT: Don't let her go tomorrow. If she insists, make it clear that the locks will be changed when she gets back. You can NOT allow her to do this to you, whilst you know EXACTLY what is going on.

carnival_joe

confront her with the truth, but not angrily. be calm. she is being very unfair on you, and your son. Don't stay where you are being cheated on, you might fix it- but it will only be a wallpaper fix. relationship councelling perhaps?

King of Kings

py2006 wrote:

I hope your not married to this woman! She would most likely get everything!

not true. I got half everything in my situ

py2006

King of Kings wrote:

not true. I got half everything in my situ

Great, I love to hear that! Nothing infuriates me more when the women get everything! Makes my blood boil!

I hope you have found happiness now!

easyontheeye

can i just say i really admire how calm and collected you are. If i was you I would have probably made a mess of everything and put people in hospital, anyway you sound like a good man who puts other people before yourself.

Please dont let this continue, i think your wife knows she has it good with you and wants her cake and is very much eating it. from the descriptions of the items you found in the car it would make me sick to think about what they are getting up to.

On this occassion you need to put yourself first and make sure you and your kids are happy. all i can say is please make sure you are happy at the end of it all.

dont make the mistake of staying for the sake of other people

Carrigart Exile

She's the one that's cheated but she'll still get your son, the house and half your pension to boot, whilst you will be thrown out the family home. Something to bear in mind when thinking through your next step.

Jesus Wept

ugh, I feel you for you badger, just awful.

I hope you can move on and find someone who treats you right.

DD

I am very surprised to see how calm you are, if you can be that calm i should suggest you to have a good talk with her.
Theres no point in waiting to see what it will happen, just try to have a very friendly discussion and see what she has to say about it and try to find the reason she is doing all those. I understand you love her very much, but is she gets involved in this new r*ship she will leave you anyway later, or if this r*ship will end one day probably she wont stop here and soon or later she will do it again.
I think something is missing from your relationship and you didnt see it, but what can I say, you have a kid and you are together for so many years.
Just talk to her and be calm and see what she has to say, i know from a friend's experience that he did that and later he came back apologizing and they got back together and there are 6 years since they havent had any problem and they live happily together.
I dont want to say things will be great after one of them cheated on the other, but you are the only who can say whats best for you.
And I know your trust is over for the moment, you will always be wondering if shes telling you the truth or not, thats the worst thing.

just talk to her and decide what do u want

Reku

Part of me wants to suggest something really nasty here, but the fact that friends and family all seem to already know and are helping cover for her means you can't even go the embaressment route... This will also probably make any legal proceedings later more difficult since they'll (as in her family and friends) undoubtedly take her side.

I'd have to agree with the rest though, you need to confront her and I'd say walk, the fact that she is cheating on you and even when you caught her out in a lie, she just threw up another lie means she doesn't respect you. That she gets her family to help cover her tracks makes it seem none of them have any respect for you. What future does a relationship have if there is no respect?
It sounds to be quite clearly a case of you love her but she sure doesn't love you, to her you're just a source of income and a babysitter for when she wants to go out with the other guy, with her probably just throwing you a quick bit of nookie to keep you keeping her.

Marksie

OP: One thing for sure, things cannot continue like this as you are tearing yourself up.

Unfortunately things will not get back to normal and will continue to worsen.

She is making no real effort to hide the fact and the famiuly is covering.

All around, it is best to now get this all into the open. If you can calmly, but for your own sake as well as anything else you two have to talk about this.

dellas1979

Oh the Badger, you have a real case of "the fear".

I (we) can totally understand why, especially with a child involved.

Put it like this, she has no respect for you and your child (her family) at this moment in time, and you cannot allow her to treat both of ye like this.

Please do not be scared of what is going to happen. There are definately going to be hard times ahead, but there is certainly no chance of ye ever "going back to the way things were", she made sure of that (not you).

Again, I would insist in her staying at home tomorrow night. See how she reacts. Put your foot down. Dont pussy foot around her, scared that you are going to rock the boat and loose her. It should be the other way around.

Sleepy

Throw her out.

On her ass.

Immediately.

Don't leave the family home and don't let her take your son. Keep full custody of him for now and only allow her supervised visits. If she's prepared to act like this behind your back she'll have no problems in taking him from you.

Right now, you need to go see a good solicitor (before confronting her) and find out everything you can do to put yourself in the best possible position of keeping your son. The Irish legal system is unbelievably in her favour so you need to be very smart right now.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

OP: One thing for sure, things cannot continue like this as you are tearing yourself up.

Unfortunately things will not get back to normal and will continue to worsen.

She is making no real effort to hide the fact and the famiuly is covering.

All around, it is best to now get this all into the open. If you can calmly, but for your own sake as well as anything else you two have to talk about this.

Could the brother know about the affair? It could a friend of his?

OP like the folks have said above you handled this calmly and this is how you should proceed.

Gather the evidence, you have the txts and pics, maybe even take pictures of the sexy toys and lingerie.

Take a day off work and speak to her when she gets home, it will be hard but dont lose the head as she will probably just run straight to the guy.

Dont ask for the gorey details. Maybe just see how long it has been going on though it sounds like its been going on for a while.
See what she sas to say she may have felt neglected or unloved.

Ask her does she want you or the new guy. If she wants you go for counselling, presuming you want her. If she wants the new guy ask her to leave for a few days so you can both have your say. Keep your son.

Speaking from experience i know when you found that stuff you felt as if your heart was about to implode but it is not the end of the world.

Mr. Incognito

I'm terribly terribly sorry. No-one likes to hear of this happening.

You have three choices.

*Do nothing- Unfortunately, I don't think this is an option. She is putting you at risk of STD's and severve emotional trauma. These things have a habit of becomming more progressive. i.e it'll be another fella and another.

*Confront her.- Now this is going to have to be planned and cool. You need to collect the bag of tricks and her other phone and have them on the table when she comes in. Have your son out of the house, perhaps for the night. You need to have a plan, i.e confront her and leave. Have an overnight bag at a mates if needs be. Be prepared for denial, shock, indignation, anger.
KEEP YOUR COOL. ANGER IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

*Leave- For the sake of your son, I think just upping and going isn't an option here so you need to find a way to make this work.

the most important thing to remember through this is that

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

hermit

OP, I am very sorry to read the kind of situation you are in - Your relationship with this woman is over. Please don't consider going on as "normal" or "forgetting" about things. Think about it - you will never be able to trust her again. Everytime she says she is going out with friends or family you will sit at home and wonder, think & imagine what she is up to. It will drive you completely insane and will not be healthy for you or your child in the long run.

If it was me, I would do nothing for a couple of weeks. If you have money saved etc... I would systematically begin to empty your bank account & joint bank accounts (if you have one) and if you are close to your family I would tell them the situation and filter the money to them. I would also start to slowly remove small assets (tv etc...) from the house. Develop an "imaginary gambling addication" and if asked about the money use this as an excuse.

Leave it roll that way for a few weeks and then confront her. Let the **** hit the fan. In these situations you never know who will get the house etc... in the end (not sure what your marital status is).

I WOULD do the above - but I am very vindictive when people cross me. You obviously still love her "

I don't want to lose her"

so maybe you don;t want to hurt her... thats your decision.

Best of luck - you will feel more pain I am sure until this is sorted but hopefully no matter what you decide you will be able to get through this and move on...

LegacyUser

OP, I am very sorry to hear about your situation.
This woman and it appears some of her family/friends have treated you with a total lack of respect and consideration.

As previous poster mentioned I would find out the legal situation and implications before I even confront her.
Also check out all the financial implications, joint accounts etc.
I believe you should not leave the house, but you need to know the legal implications.

Really the relationship is over, even if she states she wants to save it and I doubt it, how can you ever trust her again?
She has blatantly lied to you.
She has also got her friends and family to do so as well.
She has not shown any remorse or broken down and admitted her adultery, in fact she has continued it.

When the relationship does offiically break down you need to make sure you are in a position of as much power as possible, otherwise you will be taken to the cleaners.
Then your former home will become the playpad for your ex and her porn loving boyfriend.
Think how that will make you feel.
Why should you lose everything, now you have to think of yourself and your son.

Even though they make you sick, keep the pictures that you found on the phone, do not delete them, they may come in handy down the road.
Also try and find out as much about the guy as possible.
Knowledge is power.

I actually favour the wives way of dealing with cheaters, down the road there may be a chance to get revenge for the hurt these people have caused you.
I do not condone violence of any type, there are much better ways of getting even.

LegacyUser

I speak from experience as I was in the same situation as you 14 years ago but with no children thankfully.

Let me tell you what I did at the time and what I would do now knowing what I do now about the irish legal system.

Firstly I spoke to my own family when I was as sure as sure could be but without any concrete evidence.

I received some very good advise about getting the proof and not under any circumstances to walk myself into something I would regret later.
I was consistently warned to keep my cool and to not let emotions run away with me.

I confronted my wife of 4 years when I had conclusive evidence but got the expected denials. At that point I produced the pictures and reports I had paid dearly for from a private detective agency.
I played a cassette tape (one of many that I had gathered over several weeks by attaching a recording device to our phone) of a very intimate conversation that had taken place while I was actually in the same room but that she had masked from her end by replies of 'uhum, yeah, I know, me too' etc...

At this point she expoded with anger and stormed out. I packed her bags and put them in the hall.

5 days later I got a hysterical phone call from her admitting everything, saying how stupied she had been, begging and pleading for me to forgive her and promising that she would do ANYTHING it took to make it up to me. I told her no and continued to do so for a few days more each time she rang. During this time I never saw her in person. After days of crying calls, like a fool I eventually gave in and accepted her back.

And things were rosy again...Or so I thought.

What I didnt know was that she used this opportunity to take legal advise as to how best to have me removed from the house. Armed with her new knowledge over a period of 3 years of what could only be called hell,
she then began to boast about her nights with not just one but 3 different people that she had affairs with during our marraige.

I did my best to ignore this goading but eventually I snapped one night and hit her. Three years of anger came out and I belted her severely. Damage was limited to bruises but the damage had been done.

The rest is obvious, gardai called, I was removed, she got a safety order, I applied for a judicial seperation on the grounds of adultery, she was in our home, moved her boyfriend in within weeks.

Expecting all assets to be equally divided I continued to pay mortgage and other loans on the advise of my solicitor. He was confident that with no children all assets would be halved.

Now this is where it went wrong.

She ignored all legal letters and attempts to get her to court and managed to drag this process out for over 3 years. During this time herself and her boyfiend lived in a house I was paying for against my own will but on the advise of my soliciitor.

When eventually she knew she would have to go to court to finalise things, she initiated civil proceedings for assualt against me.
I was charged, duly sommonsed and then her legal team produced evidence of her hospital visit for the night we had fought.

I was told that the case would be dropped if I signed over my half of the house. My solicitor advised me that I was facing a possible jail sentence unless we could get rid of this so facing the prospect of losing my job, my liberty and my good name I gave in and signed over my home.

Bottom line, from being in a position of completelty right, I ended up in a position of being completely wrong and lost my home and ended up with expenses of several thousand pounds while she got free legal aid and our house. All because I didnt do the right thing first day by ending the relationship once trust was gone.

If I had to do it all again today, I would gather the evidence but say nothing to her, move any cash and assets worth moving that I could explain away, initiate legal proceedings for seperation (not divorce as 4 years apart needed for this) and say nothing till the legal leters land in her hands. At this point I would move somebody, anybody, a family member into the home as a guest to ensure this person could be a witness to any real or reported argument or altercation that might be orchestrated at a later time.

And I most certainly would never move out of my home under any circumstances. The law will work to her advantage not yours especially where a child is involved so you need to do as much as possible to swing that around some little bit to your side to have any hope of a fair outcome.

My advise is as above. Dont show your hand under any circumstances until your in court and then use your evidence to backup your claim and to seek at least partial access to your child if not full custody. This may not give you everything that you want but it will at least come some way to redressing the imbalance that does exist in Irish law where men and the family home are concerned.

Dont let your heart guide you because she obviously doesnt care abour your heart here. She's screwing you over.Use your head and dont get srewed financially as well.

Marksie

Beenthere. wrote:

If I had to do it all again today, I would gather the evidence but say nothing to her, move any cash and assets worth moving that I could explain away, initiate legal proceedings for seperation (not divorce as 4 years apart needed for this) and say nothing till the legal leters land in her hands. At this point I would move somebody, anybody, a family member into the home as a guest to ensure this person could be a witness to any real or reported argument or altercation that might be orchestrated at a later time.

And I most certainly would never move out of my home under any circumstances. The law will work to her advantage not yours especially where a child is involved so you need to do as much as possible to swing that around some little bit to your side to have any hope of a fair outcome.

My advise is as above. Dont show your hand under any circumstances until your in court and then use your evidence to backup your claim and to seek at least partial access to your child if not full custody. This may not give you everything that you want but it will at least come some way to redressing the imbalance that does exist in Irish law where men and the family home are concerned.

Dont let your heart guide you because she obviously doesnt care abour your heart here. She's screwing you over.Use your head and dont get srewed financially as well.

^^^
OP: Given your circumstances. If you only take one bit of advice, take this. Itsb sr6taightforwards, sensible and derived from a position of someone who has been there

StandnDeliver

i would do what hermit said,transfer money put it into your own credit union account!!! document each of the dates she goes out too,get a solicitor, get the bill addressed elsewhere,and depending what the solicitor says,change the locks with her bags packed outside.

JackieChan

Beenthere wrote:

I speak from experience as I was in the same situation as you 14 years ago but with no children thankfully................

I'm flabbergasted, there have been movies made about less. I'm sure this happens from time to time but to hear it detailed is shocking.
Beenthere, really sorry to hear about this and I hope all these years later that things are better for you.

Back to OP,one thing I can't get my head around is why her family memebers would be hiding her "crime". Why would her brother give an alibi, he must be one low life to do this.

After the first incident where she said she stayed at a friend why did you not approach her about this. I certainly would have. The same with the fundraiser and the hospital visits...you certainly had your head in the sand. Don't want to sound crass but I think she plays you for a fool.

Amazotheamazing

JackieChan wrote:

Back to OP,one thing I can't get my head around is why her family memebers would be hiding her "crime". Why would her brother give an alibi, he must be one low life to do this.

For all we know, she tells the brother that the OP is impossible to get on with and has driven her to this course of action or whatever.

OP, get legal advice, even if you want to save the relationship, at least know where you stand and what you should do in the event of a breakdown in communications.

derealbadger

Hi all,

Many many thanks for your advice..... I will re-read it all and take it on board... I really didn't expect you all to take the time to read it never mind your personal and long replies ..really appreciate it...

To answer some of the questions... We are not married... this was her choice (maybe a lucky escape).....
If a split was on the cards I don't think we'd have a problem organising visitation etc..... but i suppose it remains to be seen...

A few years ago we had a problem when I discovered she was chatting to lads on a sex line and had text messages flying too and fro from loads of guys from all over the country.. she was highly defensive of it and said she was doing nothing wrong and it was only a bit of fun. It seemed to end and that was it... didn't really bother me anymore...

I don't believe her family knows although her brother did cover for her but I doubt he was told the truth. I'd imaging she said she stayed with a friend and didn't want to tell me or something... He's a bit of an idiot anyway. I would be very well liked by her mother and father and I know they would be disgusted to know of any goings on!

Our financial situation will be my biggest problem... we are building a house at the minute which is in joint names but the building money is sitting in an account in her name :eek: will have to figure out something for this.

Some of you are amazed at my calmness but I am very good at detaching my emotion from big decisions. I have to do it every day in the line of work I'm in..... without going into details my job if anything would make you numb from emotion which in this situation I guess is not a bad thing...

Just to put a "band-aid" on tonights situation.. I've probably ruined her plans. she said she is going to a get together with the local football club tonight which is on.... as we don't have a babysitter she said she is going with her brother to it... I just gave her the "great news"... I've got a baby sitter for tonight and I can go as well She how shes likes that.

Now as regards "yer man". I have no idea who he is. I have very good pics of him and looks like he's a lorry driver from some of the pics as there is a lorry in the background. He is saved in this phone as <snip> so I presume he is from <snip>?? We live in <snip>.. My best friend really can't believe how calm I am about it. He wants to organise a sting operation for him and "beat the living hell out of him" but I know this wont solve anything. I have a phone number for him but thats all... I guess it's prob a ready to go and there is no way of getting any details from it...

I had another look in her car this morning before i went to work and the "bag" is gone as is the phone...... she must have brought them in..... my friend phoned it from his number today but no answer but 5 mins later he got a taxt asking who he was... I told him to leave it...

So there we stand at the min.... I'll keep ye posted on the outcome.... and what I decide to do.

Badger

JackieChan

Amazotheamazing wrote:

For all we know, she tells the brother that the OP is impossible to get on with and has driven her to this course of action or whatever.

OP, get legal advice, even if you want to save the relationship, at least know where you stand and what you should do in the event of a breakdown in communications.

mmm, that would mean one of two things

1)He is impossible to get on with and the brother knows this. This is the source of their problem-although OP says they get on great
or
2)She's lying to the brother. After 15 years I'd imagine that he would have some knowledge of what the guy is like.

Drift

Hey badger,

Just a comment regarding the name of the other guy "<snip>It almost sounds like a handle or username. If you combine that with the sexlines from a few years back and the bag of porn & toys it could suggest that she met this guy and possibly others through something similar to the sexline. It would also explain the second phone. If she was cheating with one guy over the long term she'd hardly need a seperate phone for that and if it was just him on that phone she would've been suspiscious of your mate ringing it and probably not replied by text. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm assuming the worst ....

Were there texts from more than one person in the phone when you saw it? Also it might be worth your while checking out your computer for evidence. A lot of these sex lines can have an online component too. A keystroke logger could work.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through OP and I hope in the end you'll come to some resolution that is best for you and your child.

Poppers1888

badger, Im so saddened to read your story, hope it works out ok. But I will say the trust is gone now and even if you decide to forgive her in the long run, there will always be doubts in your mind.

Be careful

Marksie

Badger:
and folks
I have deleted all personal references to people in this thread.

PLEASE do not post other peoples personal details again or i will lock the thread.

Kind regards

Mark

Marksie

I have reopened this thread at the OP request.

Posters: Absolutely NO personal information in regards to this matter or i will lock permanently

Regards

Mark

Carrigart Exile

StandnDeliver wrote:

i would do what hermit said,transfer money put it into your own credit union account!!! document each of the dates she goes out too,get a solicitor, get the bill addressed elsewhere,and depending what the solicitor says,change the locks with her bags packed outside.

Oh you cannot change the locks that makes it involuntary desertion and you the man will be thrown from your home.

StandnDeliver

really?hmmm well pack her bags for her anyways

LegacyUser

OP I feel for you, I really do. You must follow what other people on this thread have said. I WOULD NOT confront her about this until I had everything sorted(solicitor, money... etc) however hard that may be. As you have said you stopped her from meeting him by getting a babysitter, you have to stop this. Seeing her leave knowing what she's going to do will be hard on you but necessary. You don't want her knowing you're on to her. If you do she'll be the one seeking legal advise. Keep you're head low, gather as much info as possible and get out of that relationship as soon as you can.

xxdilemmaxx

OP what happened last night, were there any more developments?

Marksie

xxdilemmaxx wrote:

OP what happened last night, were there any more developments?

This isn't a soap opera.

OP: do not feel you have to answer such questions

py2006

Marksie wrote:

This isn't a soap opera.

OP: do not feel you have to answer such questions

He did say he would keep people posted! :rolleyes:

OP. I was suprised to hear you say that she had been in contact with men before online. That should have set the alarm bells ringing there!

LegacyUser

OP by what you said about her online activities and the items you found it appears she has a predisposition towards certain types of sex with certain types of guys.
Even if you were to rescue the relationship at this stage she will reoffend.
You cannot trust her, her friends, your couple friends or her family.
Only trust certain family members and people that are very close to YOU.
The less people that are in the loop the better.

As stated by beenthere and some other posters, collect as much information as possible without been obvious.
Do not confront her, her friends or her family.
It will just come all blow up and then she will probably demand you leave.

Try and find some way of diverting funds from the house account.
Have you any close friends that are involved in building, because you could try and pay them upfront for supposed work?
Move money into one of your family members accounts through that intermediatary. Be careful because it is now you find out who you can really trust.
Get a secret pay as you go phone and divert calls relating to this through it.

Under no circumstance show her this thread to show what people think about her.
Make sure you cover your own trail, e.g do not access this site and this thread from home. Do not access any new bank accounts from your home computer.
If she does not have computer knowledge put a keylogger on your home computer to record what she is doing on computer.

Also review all bank records, especially the house account to see if she has been transferring money herself.

Maybe she is just biding her own time and maybe she is also checking the financial and legal imnplications of breaking with you?

Yes I am paranoid but it can pay to be so.

hermit

Unreg22 wrote:

OP by what you said about her online activities and the items you found it appears she has a predisposition towards certain types of sex with certain types of guys.
Even if you were to rescue the relationship at this stage she will reoffend.
You cannot trust her, her friends, your couple friends or her family.
Only trust certain family members and people that are very close to YOU.
The less people that are in the loop the better.

As stated by beenthere and some other posters, collect as much information as possible without been obvious.
Do not confront her, her friends or her family.
It will just come all blow up and then she will probably demand you leave.

Try and find some way of diverting funds from the house account.
Have you any close friends that are involved in building, because you could try and pay them upfront for supposed work?
Move money into one of your family members accounts through that intermediatary. Be careful because it is now you find out who you can really trust.
Get a secret pay as you go phone and divert calls relating to this through it.

Under no circumstance show her this thread to show what people think about her.
Make sure you cover your own trail, e.g do not access this site and this thread from home. Do not access any new bank accounts from your home computer.
If she does not have computer knowledge put a keylogger on your home computer to record what she is doing on computer.

Also review all bank records, especially the house account to see if she has been transferring money herself.

Maybe she is just biding her own time and maybe she is also checking the financial and legal imnplications of breaking with you?

Yes I am paranoid but it can pay to be so.

Very good points...

OP be careful how you go about things... remember that moving money out of joint bank accounts for this purpose is tecnically stealing... No matter what happens the break up will get dirty considering your house and child. So make sure you have a back story as to where the money went? I.e. gambling etc....

Marksie

hermit wrote:

Very good points...

OP be careful how you go about things... remember that moving money out of joint bank accounts for this purpose is tecnically stealing... No matter what happens the break up will get dirty considering your house and child. So make sure you have a back story as to where the money went? I.e. gambling etc....

Professional legal advice would be the best here. They will tell you exactly what you can and cannot do.

Reku

In a situation as sticky as this it's probably best to get a second oppinion regarding the specifics of the legal advice too (so you don't end up like Beenthere). You'll need to be careful in this regard too though as even just such advice can get expensive so you'll need a cover story so she doesn't get suspicious.

grahamo

OP, She doesn't deserve to have someone like you. Her family members and friends who are covering for her should hang their heads in shame. Pack her bags and blow her out. The trust is gone. You only get one life. Don't waste it on those fools who are going behind your back.You could be so much happier with someone else who will appreciate you.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

smiley666

Dear Op.

I would suggest that you go to a solicitor, fully explain your situation and get some legal advise on what actions you could take to protect yourself in the event of a separation. The people on boards do not necessarily know best (NO offence intended). You do not want to do something now that will end up causing you more trouble. Packing her bags, throwing her out and changing the door locks are not the way to go forward.

Most of the other posters have neglected the fact that you say you still love your partner, that you get on great together and that you don’t want to lose her.

You don’t have to lose her, especially if she is not emotionally connected to this other man. You say that your have a good sex life. Her actions suggest that maybe it is not good enough for her. Women peak in their 30’s so what was ok a few years ago may not be now. It’s possible that you two at present are not sexually compatible. Many couples who find themselves in this situation look to threesomes and swinging to solve the problem. It’s a lot more common than you think and assuming both parties are in agreement can be a healthy thing. You may not even need to go that far. Have you openly discussed your sex life together, have you asked her if she is completely happy with it. Do you visit sex shops together or go online and seek active ways of keeping it exciting? If not then I suggest you do.

I don’t know your partner so can’t really make assumptions but maybe she feels like she has given the most of her life to you and wonders what else is out there. Maybe she’s just easily bored with life and likes the excitement of another man. Or just maybe you have un knowingly pushed her towards him.

People don’t go out of their way to hurt someone they love. They don’t leave a partner because someone better looking or richer comes along. They leave because of how the person they are with makes them feel. We spend years in school learning how to read and write but not on how to communicate properly.
You said that your job makes you emotionally numb. Has this had an impact on how you treat your partner without you even realising it???? It’s so easy to get caught up in work, mortgage and the everyday chores in life. On top of that you are house building. For many couples the pressure of building a house alone can be make or break. Maybe all this has taken it’s toll on your partner, on you or on how you treat her.

You have to work at a relationship to keep it going. Working, paying the bills and the occasional night out or new outfit is not enough. Women think differently. They need emotional security more than financial security. You’ve been together for 15 years. That’s long enough to fall into a rut and take each other for granted. THIS IS NOT NECESSARILY YOUR FAULT.
But it maybe all that’s happed in your situation. Many couples find themselves where you are now. You can recover but only if both of you are willing to communicate and be honest with each other. (This is where counselling may help)

Do you still do the little things everyday that once made your partner feel special? My ex sometimes brings my favourite chocolate. It costs less than a euro but puts a smile on my face because I know that at some stage of the day he thought of me and went out of his way to get it.

He also cheated on me a few years ago so I know how you are feeling . I realise now that it wasn’t his fault, nor was it mine. We both took each other for granted and neglected to keep the relationship strong. We didn’t stay together even though he wanted to. I’m sure he would have changed because I do believe people can but mentally I had decided that I couldn’t cope with the trust issue. Many people can overcome this, personally I couldn’t. It wasn’t easy at first but I have recovered and so has our relationship. He is now, as he was throughout our married life, my best friend. I still love him dearly and we still spend a lot of time together.

I’m telling you this because you have only two choices, either you stay with your partner or you don’t.

Leaving her doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t remain friends and for the sake of your son it’s best that you try to do this no matter how hard it seems.

Alternatively you can stay and work at what has gone wrong in the relationship and try to put things right. You still love her and you still get on great together. Aside from your son that’s two very good reasons to give it another chance.

Most importantly you have to deal with your own feelings. Do what feels best for you and try not to be swayed by the experiences or opinions of other people. Many of them will offer you advise but at the end of the day YOU have to live with the decisions that you make not them.

Whichever you decide I hope it doesn’t take you too long to recover from the heartache. And as others have suggested, get yourself to a solicitor.

hermit

Marksie wrote:

Professional legal advice would be the best here. They will tell you exactly what you can and cannot do.

The problem with legal advice is that it can only stick by the law of the land.

Unfortunately, the law of the land is not always fair - as was the case with "beenthere". I am not condoning breaking the law but I do feel that you need to act outside of the courtroom in some situations (in part at least) - like this one.

The OP can go seek legal advice - get it - end up in court and lose his home and the money he has invested in the preparation work for the new home they are currently building. Is that fair in this instance? No. Will that actually happen? who knows. its happened to plenty of people... does the OP want to risk that? thats up to him and no one else. His other choice is to filter his money and a share of joint money/assets out of the relationship before legal proceedings develop when the **** really hits the fan.

I am not suggesting that the OP does not seek legal at advice at some stage... of course he should - it will be extremely important for him but maybe he should leave the legal advice for now and sort out the other stuff first..

togster

hermit wrote:

The problem with legal advice is that it can only stick by the law of the land.

Unfortunately, the law of the land is not always fair - as was the case with "beenthere". I am not condoning breaking the law but I do feel that you need to act outside of the courtroom in some situations (in part at least) - like this one.

The OP can go seek legal advice - get it - end up in court and lose his home and the money he has invested in the preparation work for the new home they are currently building. Is that fair in this instance? No. Will that actually happen? who knows. its happened to plenty of people... does the OP want to risk that? thats up to him and no one else. His other choice is to filter his money and a share of joint money/assets out of the relationship before legal proceedings develop when the **** really hits the fan.

I am not suggesting that the OP does not seek legal at advice at some stage... of course he should - it will be extremely important for him but maybe he should leave the legal advice for now and sort out the other stuff first..

QFT

rubyred

I work in a legal firm. You can get an initial consultation for advice anywhere from Free to é200. All the ones I work with tell you the official advice and will also tell you "off the record" how to protect your interests the best. I know it is sexist, but generally male solicitors like to help out guys and and female (maybe unconsiciously) look out for the female in the relationship - so maybe get advice from a male Solicitor. You can ring the law society and get detials of which ones specialise in family law - or ring any firms in your area and ask for the person that deals in family law. there is usually at least one Solicitor in each firm that specialising in it.

Drift

smiley666 wrote:

You don’t have to lose her, especially if she is not emotionally connected to this other man. You say that your have a good sex life. Her actions suggest that maybe it is not good enough for her. Women peak in their 30’s so what was ok a few years ago may not be now. It’s possible that you two at present are not sexually compatible. Many couples who find themselves in this situation look to threesomes and swinging to solve the problem. It’s a lot more common than you think and assuming both parties are in agreement can be a healthy thing. You may not even need to go that far. Have you openly discussed your sex life together, have you asked her if she is completely happy with it. Do you visit sex shops together or go online and seek active ways of keeping it exciting? If not then I suggest you do.

Well put smiley I was trying to think of a way of say this. From what the OP has written so far I think this could be very accurate. From what he's posted it would not be a giant leap to assume that his wife has been seeking out liason's with one or more men via these sex lines purely for the purpose of sexual gratification. If that was the case it could be that she isn't emotionally attached to these men and may not plan to leave the OP. Having said that, whether this is better or worse or the same as cheating with someone she is emotionally into is a debatable matter. However; if the OPs partner is "swinging" behind his back then it would no doubt look really bad on her in court.

smiley666 wrote:

I don’t know your partner so can’t really make assumptions but maybe she feels like she has given the most of her life to you and wonders what else is out there. Maybe she’s just easily bored with life and likes the excitement of another man. Or just maybe you have un knowingly pushed her towards him.

To the OP: you and your partner have been together for 15 years - since you were 20. It could be that she for some reason feels she missed out on sexual experimentation with other partners when she was in her twenties. This may explain the situation but I don't think it in anyway justifies it.

smiley666 wrote:

He also cheated on me a few years ago so I know how you are feeling . I realise now that it wasn’t his fault, nor was it mine.

This is the only part of smiley's post I disagree with. People are responsible for their own actions. If someone cheats on their partner they are wrong and at fault and they have to admit this. If a relationship isn't working a decent person ends it BEFORE moving on to the next one. To cheat on your partner requires a degree of planning and involves a number of intermediate steps that the cheater must carry out. They could stop themselves at any time but don't hence they can't deny being at fault.



The overall point of smiley's post is very important though OP. If both people are commited then there is a possibility the relationship can be saved. You say you're still in love with your wife and both of you no doubt love your son so it might be worth a go at trying to save it through counselling etc. but ONLY if she's remorseful and fully commited to making it work. You should still get legal advice though even if you are planning on doing this. It's the appropriate thing to do to safeguard your son's (and your own) future.

Stabshauptmann

If it wasnt for the fact you have a son together I know exactly what Id do, leave her and let the whole world know why.