the love is gone

LegacyUser

hi,
i dunno what to think so I hope someone in this forum can really help me to sort my mind out.
here is the short story...I've been going out with my gf for 1 and half year, we work in the same office and things were not great at the beginning (i was going out from a serious relationship so i didn't want to be attached with someone until i was OK with myself) because she fell in love with me and I was not corresponding her feelings. I was always clear with her and I tried to finish our relationship when doubts came out, but she begged me to give it a go and I accepted it and (with my surprise) things were great for a long time and I'm quite sure I was in love. She is great, great personality and I always have great time with her.
But deep inside myself, I'm not 100% sure about my love for her, in fact I never moved in with her to avoid a big mess if I change my mind. This has always caused big arguments, but at the end she dealt with me staying in mine.
Actually I can't lie to myself, I realise I'm not in love and I don't know why... If I could "decide" which girl is perfect for me, I'd go for her, but my heart wouldn't "follow" me because she is not "the one"...In these 1 and half year, the doubts never disappeared.
I'd never cheat on her, but last week we met a common friend (she is a stunner) and all i wanted to do was to flirt with her, fortunately I behaved.
I felt so awful at the end, I'm stuck in something and I'm not brave enough to get out of it because I'd give her a lot of pain, I feel guilty and shallow.
please give me an advice if you were in the same situation, something is definitely wong with me and i have no guts to tell her the truth. I feel so guilty.

Wibbs

For both your sakes you need to move on and this means breaking up with her. You were right when you reckoned you needed to be on your own for a while after the last serious relationship. She is the rebound/crutch relationship, but this isn't fair on either of you. Staying together will only stop both of you finding the right people. People you won't have these issues with.

basically you need to step up and finish this.

Marksie

^^^^ Wibbs is pretty much correct in his summation of the situation.

There are a couple of things that I would add from my perspective.

I always wince a little when i hear someone say that they are looking for someone "perfect" for them. That person in actuality doesn't exist. Or if you think they are perfect at a given point, it seldom stays so as people develop and change.
Often relationships fail because one or other partner feels that the other half has changed. That is not the other halves fault, but the person themselves in not accepting change development and growth as part of life and also not accepting that the differences can be just as rewarding as the similarities.

You do have positives in this relationship and certainly must have been enamoured to commence one in the first place, though the word rebound does come to mind. Love changes over time, from intense passion to warmth and expression (interspersed with passion) to a gradual blending and growing, what were your expectations of "love"? Still, it may be you have run teh course if you do not believe you can go furher emotionally, then you have to tell your partner.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

^^^^ Wibbs is pretty much correct in his summation of the situation.

There are a couple of things that I would add from my perspective.

I always wince a little when i hear someone say that they are looking for someone "perfect" for them. That person in actuality doesn't exist.

I know there is not a perfect person out there, because nobody is (especially myself). However I need to find the "right one", the one to love for her pro and cons. My heart is simply not feeling "that thing" about her and I feel so sorry for both of us. I try to understand why is that, but I reckon there is not a rational explanation. This makes me feel so depressed and mean to her.
I have to tell her and I know I will give her a lot of pain (we work in the same office), I'm trying to find the best time or the best way to do it, but I'm not sure there is any.
But I'm already messing her life up, I can't continue to do that.
I feel so down, I really wish to disappear for ever.

Marksie

theOP123 wrote:

(we work in the same office)

Oh No, theOP123!

That is going to be so difficult. Not being funny or sarcastic, but how is Your CV? Often times one or the other leaving is the only way to resolve it.

I leraned at a very early age NEVER mix work and pleasure that way.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

Oh No, theOP123!

That is going to be so difficult. Not being funny or sarcastic, but how is Your CV? Often times one or the other leaving is the only way to resolve it.

I leraned at a very early age NEVER mix work and pleasure that way.

My CV is good and this could be a good opportunity to come back to my home country. However this is going to be tough anyway, I'm going to give her a lot of pain because I will break her heart and her dreams.
Tbh, I tried to not mix work/pleasure at the beginning of it, I had so many doubts and unfortunately I was right. The problem is that she was completely into it, she completely dragged me into this relationship with her entusiasm. I was too shallow (or an immature prick, if you like) and now i'm going to pay the price although I tried harder to make this working.
I deserve to be suffer for messing with other people feelings.

CaroleLynch

It is never going to be easy to end things. You care about her so regardless of how you tell her or when, it is going to hurt. It is worse though in the long run to keep the relationship going when you know that you are not inlove with her.

Do you work in the same department? Or on the same floor in work??

LegacyUser

CaroleLynch wrote:

It is never going to be easy to end things. You care about her so regardless of how you tell her or when, it is going to hurt. It is worse though in the long run to keep the relationship going when you know that you are not inlove with her.

Do you work in the same department? Or on the same floor in work??

Same floor, so in theory I could avoid to meet her.

Ibjiba

It is a hard situation for sure.. But keep your perspective and look at how things will look in a year from now. I'm sure you see that although some thigns are easier to keep the way they are, in the long run it will not work out anymore.

Marksie

theOP123 wrote:

I deserve to be suffer for messing with other people feelings.

OP123, Self pity doesn't really solve things. Thugh at times we all indulge in it.

What is done is done, what is important now is what you learn from the experience