Always distant

Hooly22

I'm not really sure where to start, or what exactly I'm trying to ask, but here I go...


I have a real problem with getting close to people, I just really don't want to do it. I try to keep a slight distance, so that I don't get too attached to people.

But on some occassions... I do get close to people (with this part im talking about guys) and I fall hard, and fast... and obviously get hurt.

I'm just in such a rut at the moment, everyone else seems to be so happy, but I'm not.


I don't know why I get so freaked out about getting close to people.
I'm also having trouble at home with my family... i've pretty much had enough

Any advice... or anything?


Hooly

Marksie

OP it does appear you have thrown up defenses around yourself to essentially protect yourself. you have throw up barriers, but barriers do two things, keeop things out and keep things in.

Unfortunately, it also stops you getting close to anyone else.
There are things in your life from what you have said which are difficult at the moment, these need to be resolved.

There are services available for impartial adivce and you may wish to explore these. If you tyhink that doing so is somehow an admission of weakness, then think again it is the stronger person who can admit that they need to resolve issues.
On the subjecty of seing people as happy, i will bet you my life savings that they are not, what you see is the outward persona and in addition you are projecting your own perception on them. They will have as many issues bubbling away as anyone else.

It is important that you realise that ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness or unhappiness, no one else.
There is a taoist saying: To be, is to do. You will have to dismantle those walls. and hey, you cannot do better than take your own advice in the sig you have :-)

best of luck OP

Ps. Sorry about the typos, i type as i think lol.

Hooly22

Thanks for replying... i know it's a really hard one to reply to.

It's still really hard to explain, I'm not a cold person...... I'm known to be extremely friendly. But when it ever comes to serious discussion... talking about problems... anything... I just don't wanna do it.... and I just get up and get over it. But sometimes it completely catches up on me.

As I've said... my home life is basically in tatters at the moment.... but I don't want to let that **** up the rest of my life... and I dunno how to control it.

I want to be able to confide in other people, but I can't bring myself to. If i do, I just never feel comfortable around them again, and then i completely push them away.. and I don't like doing that to people, because they don't deserve it.


I'm pretty confused to say that least!

af_thefragile

I know what you're speaking bout mate...
I guess i've got the same problem too.. I dont get too close to people myself. I just cant find myself getting along with people easily. There are only a very few people i can get along well with... Its not that i'm anti social or anything, its just that i cant find myself getting along with people easily... And i have been let down by my friends on loads of occasions too...

I know where you're coming from... I go thru pretty much the same thing... I rarely ask people for their no's, i rarely contact my friends i'm not very close to.. I dont usually give anyone my no until they ask for it... I'm not a cold person.. i'm pretty open and all.. Its just i cant get close to people easily...

Hooly22

It's a **** position to be in....! Like I am sociable... but to me... all friendship stops at a certain point... especially with guys.


I dunno where this all comes from...!

af_thefragile

Its pretty much the same with me too mate...
Its like in the begining i get to know this dude but before i get close to him or anything, the friendship just dies away and we hardly speak anymore...

I'm sorry i'm of little help here. I guess thats cuz i myself have the same problem and i myself dont really know how to deal with it!

Hooly22

Don't be sorry at all! At least someone actually understands what I'm going on about... I don't talk about it much!

af_thefragile

Talking bout it helps.. but sometimes you just cant figure out whom to talk to bout it!
I had this whole "i dont care" attitude a while ago.. It sorta seemed to help me a bit. Like i could always go and speak to anyone anywhere as i wouldnt care bout what they'ld think bout me or i wouldnt care bout coming off as a jerk... Helped me speak to and get to know a lot of people. I got to know them and all but i never really got close to them! I actually hardly got close to anyone except the handful of close friends i've got.

Sometimes i wonder if the probelm is in the people or if the problem is in me that i cant get along with them that well. Or i can get along but they only stay like friends or acquaintances.. they never become like mates. Maybe i'm looking in the wrong place or maybe there's something that i'm missing out on which is keeping me from getting close to people.

Well, this is one area of my life i really cant seem to do much bout... Last year was my 1st year at college and although i got to know almost all the people in my class, i'm not like mates with anyone of em. I only hang out with a few during coll, but outside coll i'm hardly in contact with anyone of em... I always keep looking forward to a better next year though...

Kell

Hooly22 wrote:

But when it ever comes to serious discussion... talking about problems... anything... I just don't wanna do it....

A potential reason is that you have a poor self image and have feelings of "what would anyone want to know about my problems for, I dont deserve help" or "they have enough on their plate without me talking about my issues".

Both are of course solvable, but you need to work out why it is you put yourself second and also to figure out who taught you to accept second best and not put yourself forward. Its not the nicest of places to be, but you can find a way out of it.

Another thing you can try doing is to launch yourself straight in i.e. if someone is talking about something that you have experience of, jump in and discuss your own experience and try not to bottle it up. The more you do it, the easier it gets and you also figure out where peoples thresholds are i.e. what people are and arent comfortable to hear.

A good starting point is a book called "feel the fear and do it anyway". It explains how you hold yourself back though fear and the only way to get over the fear, well the title is kinda self explanatory.

Life should be about great memories, not hitting your sixties plagued with what ifs.

af_thefragile wrote:

And i have been let down by my friends on loads of occasions too...

How? I used to think that about loadsa people too, until I figured out that if I wasnt being such a needy person then I wouldnt be disappointed. As soon as you become self-sufficient in an emotional sense, people CANT let you down (other than not showing up at the airport to give you a lift like they said they would)

K-

Hooly22

Well there's one major thing in my life, which I just don't talk about anymore, it's not anyone elses problem, it's mine, and in my opinion, talking about it isn't going to help the problem at all.


There are three people who know about it, three people I used to be really close to. And those three people just ****ed off. I guess hence why I'm not gonna keep talking about it. Why should I talk about it, if people are gonna leave after, and possibly start spreading all the stuff I told them around?


(I've just read over all that, and I sound like a bit of a bitch.... but I don't mean to be!)

There's just a lot of stuff I don't see the point in talking about, and people always try to drag things out of me, and thats when I start being like "here lads, go away and give me a bit of space".

I just want to be able to have a relationship with somene (any kind of relationship, i am talking about friends aswell), which actually progresses, I know I'm being a bottler, but I can't help it.

Hooly22

Again... sorry for whining so much....!

LegacyUser

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a good recommendation.

Keeping a slight distance from people isn't a bad thing, but if it's got to a stage where you've cut yourself off and are in a rut, then it is a problem.

Do you fear 'losing face' if you confide in others? Or do you think it's an admission of failure to admit things aren't always rosy in your garden?
It's not. Everyone has insecurities about themselves, we're all human after all.

To have a relationship, whether romantic or platonic, you have to open a part of yourself. Otherwise it becomes one-sided with your friend giving a part of themself to you and you not reciprocating.
Friendship is a two-way thing, as they say.

Hooly22

Jenay wrote:

Do you fear 'losing face' if you confide in others? Or do you think it's an admission of failure to admit things aren't always rosy in your garden?
QUOTE]

I'm not really sure why I don't, although that could be some of it. I guess I don't want people looking at me going "oh thats her with that problem" if you get me?