Best friend falls in love and the frendship dies?

LegacyUser

...is that it? once a best friend falls in love, the friendship has to end?

We've been best mates for years, but now because the love is unrequited (sp?) the friendship dies? That's hardly fair?

Beruthiel

Can you expand on the above?
did this friend fall in love with someone else?
or
did they fall in love with you?

LegacyUser

I fell in love with her.

azezil

Well I'm guessing since you found out its unrequited that you said it to her, and it didn't go well?

Maybe you just threw her for a bit of a wobbler, giver her some space, she'll come round.

I've been that person, who's been told by a close friend that they love me, its a bit hard to take for a while. It me feel uncomfortable around the guy for nearly a year but I got over it and we're back to normal now.

Lambsbread

I have literally just gone through the same thing. I told a close friend of mine i had feelings for her at the weekend. Unfortunatley, she didn't have the same feelings for me. I've kind of taken the decision to keep a distance between us for a while and its really hurting me. I've lost such a close friend over this.

From my position, if this person fell for you, it is best to give them a bit of space. You have to understand what their going through and seeing you everyday isn't going to help them get over you.

The fear i have is that after this break, when i see her again, all those same feelings are going to come flooding back and i'll be back to square one. So in all honesty, I believe the friendship is over.

Wibbs

I was wondering that myself.

If they fell in love with someone else, that can put strain on a friendship at the start as they're concentrating their emotions on to the love interest. That generally passes with time. People differ on this one. Some can get isolated too much, others you would barely notice they're with someone.

If they fell in love with you and that feeling isn't reciprocated, then it can get very complicated. The person in love may well need space for a time to get over thinking of you in that way. You have to give it to them or it may just get worse.

Wibbs

Ah right. I have to agree with Lambsbread's last post. Pretty much nailed it. You can recover from this and get the friendship back. It's an easier situation to be in than if you have a relationship with someone and then want to be friends. In both cases though, you need space. Sticking around the person you love will wreck both your heads. You're still in the romantic mode. She's not. Every friendly interaction you have with her will be coloured by that. On both sides.

If it's a true friendship, you will get it back. Get yourself back first. Look around at other people to romantically attach yourself to. That's obviously furthest from your mind at the moment, but that will change. Try not to compare them to your friend either. Everyone's different and the difference may be what you need. that way you will get through it quicker. I've got women friends that I love and we would be compatible in many ways, but they wouldn't make good GF material for me and I wouldn't make good BF material for them. I'm quite sure if I hadn't had other people in my life in the past I may have started to look there, but it wouldn't have worked. Maybe you just need to extend your horizons. That'll come with time.

Marksie

We are assuming you have told your friend how you feel, is that so?

When the love giver feels like that and it isn't reciprocated as Wibbs said, it alters the dynamic for both.

Where once things were easy and flowing, there may very well be tension and a closing off of certain expression.

You may both need time to come to terms with this altered dynamic. Could it be what it was.... unlikely, but not impossible.

Tar.Aldarion

CupidsNemesis wrote:

...is that it? once a best friend falls in love, the friendship has to end?

We've been best mates for years, but now because the love is unrequited (sp?) the friendship dies? That's hardly fair?

It's not fair and is the worst thing that has happened to me. Try living with the girl for a year too.
Maybe some people can continue being friends but I couldn't, and if you don't too, you will really miss her. You can always try like me, but that did far more damage.
Good luck with it mate, it's a rather unfortunate thing to happen and I wish you the best.
You can get over it eventually.

LegacyUser

Firstly thanks for your replys so far.
She knows how I feel about her; she has know for quite a while and she's quite supportive. There was no big blow out, I guess we are so close it was somewhat expected. To be honest there was no problem for a long time, I guess I'm good at bottling up feelings. And I was happy when we occasionally ended up together.
I guess I felt in time my feelings would pass. Maybe I'd meet someone else. Maybe they would just simmer down. Clearly this hasn't worked. I really want to be her friend. I want to feel the same way she does...
The other day she told me something relativly innocent: She went out to dinner with another man. I felt devistated; crushed. It was like someone was squeezing my insides; it was horriable. I felt like I was dumped (even though I'm single!)! - where's the justice in that!
I guess this is the slap of reason I need: what sort of friend am I if I feel like that? How can I be a friend to her if she tells me a innocent story and I get crushed?
I feel disappointed with myself for letting both of us down. I can't talk to my best friend about it. My other mates have been warning me for well over a year now so I can't talk to them. I feel utterly alone.

bandit*baby

no the friendship is not neccessarily over
but you did just drop a bomb shell on her lap and she may need space to deal with it
give it time if she is a true friend she will come round

LegacyUser

bandit*baby wrote:

no the friendship is not neccessarily over
but you did just drop a bomb shell on her lap and she may need space to deal with it
give it time if she is a true friend she will come round

Em, I'm very confused. Are you repying to the right thread?

Beruthiel

CupidsNemesis wrote:

Em, I'm very confused. Are you repying to the right thread?

he clearly didn't read your comments.

The other day she told me something relativly innocent: She went out to dinner with another man. I felt devistated; crushed. It was like someone was squeezing my insides; it was horriable. I felt like I was dumped (even though I'm single!)!

Unfortunately for you, and her, you are going to have to reaccess your relationship with her.
You cannot see things clearly while you hang around with her, your judgement will be clouded by your feelings for her.
I'm afraid to say, the only way to get over her is not to see her for a few months. Seeing her on a regular basis would be like a special kinda torture while you have these feelings for her.
Take a break, if she knows you care for her and you explain your reasons, tell her you just need a break and you'll be back once you get your head together.
Take that time out to get on with your own life and try not to think of her.
Yes, I know that's easier said than done, but it's the quickest and easiest path in the long run.

bandit*baby

my apologies i didnt read you most recent post ...
by the sounds of things your the one with the problem (which i think you would freely admit yourself) its hardly her fault that you cannot handle your jealousy that being said she is aware of your feelings and she SHOULD NOT be occasionally hooking up with you
maybe it would be best if you gave yourself some time away for her i know that its hard to walk away from a friendship and its particularly difficult if you care about the person but it doesn't have to be permanant and i'm sure she will understand..

bandit*baby

Beruthiel wrote:

he clearly didn't read your comments.

she has made an apology for that little blunder....

Tar.Aldarion

What she said, break contact with her for a while, as long as it takes.
That is the worst feeling in the world, when she mentions a guy, or anything along those lines and you nearly collapse. You need to take a break.


Um, Bandit replied before the OP

Wibbs

CupidsNemesis wrote:

And I was happy when we occasionally ended up together.

When you write "ended up together", does this mean in the physical sense. If so that's a major head wrecker. Did she know you had these feelings at those times? If so I would question her motives and cop on. TBH.

I guess I felt in time my feelings would pass. Maybe I'd meet someone else. Maybe they would just simmer down. Clearly this hasn't worked. I really want to be her friend. I want to feel the same way she does...

And that won't happen until you get space from her and I mean a lot of space. How cna you hope to find another if she's in your company all the time. Never gonna happen.

where's the justice in that!

Sadly that's the way the cookie crumbles and the only way you're going to move on is if she's not around for a time. Until you move on from those feelings you can't be your friend. Harsh, maybe? True though.

I guess this is the slap of reason I need: what sort of friend am I if I feel like that? How can I be a friend to her if she tells me a innocent story and I get crushed?

No offense to her, but forget about her for the moment. You're the one who needs to be a friend to yourself. As you stand you can't be a friend to her, so stop trying. Be a friend to yourself. Learn from this, grow in what and who you want to be and when you come back to her, you'll be in a better position to be her or anyones friend or lover.

I feel disappointed with myself for letting both of us down.

Fair enough, but time to move on from that. Stop knocking yourself FFS. So you made an mistake. What of it. We all do. This stuff happens all the time. You can get through this and emerge at the end of it better off, with or without her as your friend.

I can't talk to my best friend about it.

Because sadly you're going to have to except she's not your best friend anymore, at least for the time being. The dynamic has changed.

My other mates have been warning me for well over a year now so I can't talk to them.

You don't have to talk to them. Just keep hanging out with them, broaden your horizons with them and others.

I feel utterly alone.

Well you've a bunch o' muppets here who would beg to differ.

Marksie

OP: There was a some information missing from your first couple of posts that was present in the next one.

I for one was working on the fact you were best friends nothing else and you had fallen in love on that basis.

You state thath you occasionally end up together, whihc i take to mean s*xually. Is that correct?

It does put a different slant on things and adds an extra layer of complexity to the whole issue.

It explains why you react so strongly when she has dated someone else.

I think you really have to take time out to reasses the whole situation

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Unfortunately for you, and her, you are going to have to reaccess your relationship with her.
You cannot see things clearly while you hang around with her, your judgement will be clouded by your feelings for her.
I'm afraid to say, the only way to get over her is not to see her for a few months.

Yea I know. So in effect the friendship is over then. Just breaking contact with your best mate for a few months kinda kills the friendship doesn't it? I wish I could just go travelling for a year.

Seeing her on a regular basis would be like a special kinda torture while you have these feelings for her.

I know. And I understand I need a break, but how long do I tell her I'm going to ignore her for. She knows it's on the cards, and has told me, she'd be upset but would understand.
In the long run I know it's best. I just think it's cruel that I have to loose a best friend because of something I've no control over.

bandit*baby

CupidsNemesis wrote:

Yea I know. So in effect the friendship is over then. Just breaking contact with your best mate for a few months kinda kills the friendship doesn't it? I wish I could just go travelling for a year.

your assuming that you have to see someone on a regular basis to maintain a friendship ... i study in cork and live in dublin i go months without seeing some of my closests friends while others have gone travelling for a year with no more contact than the occassional e-mail
friendships are not restricted by time or distance
the friendship will only end if you decide that's what needs to be done

Beruthiel

You don't have to loose a friend just because you don't see them for 6 months.
Hell, I have a friend of 14 years, I hadn't heard from her in a year, that didn't mean I wasn't thrilled to hear from her again when she called me last week. If you know someone for that length of time, one year or one week makes very little difference to your relationship.

Maple

crap situation, unrequited love hurts. try not to see so much of her and definitely put a stop to ending up with her. Thats just torturing yourself. She sees you as a friend. Its just one of those things, try put it behind you and move on.

Marksie

Beruthiel wrote:

You don't have to loose a friend just because you don't see them for 6 months.
Hell, I have a friend of 14 years, I hadn't heard from her in a year, that didn't mean I wasn't thrilled to hear from her again when she called me last week. If you know someone for that length of time, one year or one week makes very little difference to your relationship.

QFT:

I have a friend with whom i shared a 6 year relationship. Now 22 years after I first met her we can pick up the phone after extended periods of time and its like we have been talking only last week.

HOWEVER: To enable that to happen, after we split, there had to be a period of no contact to allow everything to sort itself out as it should.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

You state thath you occasionally end up together, whihc i take to mean s*xually. Is that correct?

Yes. I guess sexual tension builds up, and we aren't seeing anyone else, so we are there for each other. There's comfort and thrust.

Wibbs wrote:

When you write "ended up together", does this mean in the physical sense. If so that's a major head wrecker. Did she know you had these feelings at those times? If so I would question her motives and cop on. TBH.

She knew about my feelings. To be fair, when I told her she suggested we stop, but I told her I was ok with it, and I was - until now.

bandit*baby

CupidsNemesis wrote:

There's comfort and thrust.

oh i bet there was thrust alright
i'm sorry i know that's hugely insensitive but i couldn't resist

even though you said you were alright with it i still think that she should have said no anyway
all that will happen is that when she begins exclusively seeing someone you'll end up feeling used
i so sympathise though its incredibly difficult to say no to someone you care for in the heat of the moment

StormWarrior

I have been in the opposite situation. 2 of my friends on separate occasions told me they had these feelings for me which were definitely not reciprocated. I was really angry, although I didn't show it. It p***ed me right off. I had never given them any indication whatsoever that I considered them anything more than a friend. It angered me that they would affect our friendship when I had never acted as anything than a mate towards them, but I got over it for the sake of the friendships.

Did she ever give you any indication that she felt the same way or did you just leap right in? You have to consider the possibility that she is very angry with you right now and probably feels uncomfortable around you.

Tar.Aldarion

What right do you have to be angry with them? They didn't just pick to fall in love with you, it doesn't matter if you 'indicated' you felt the same way or not.

Evil Phil

CupidsNemesis wrote:

Maybe I'd meet someone else.

You will don't worry. This really is awful for you, I know, but it will pass. You'll meet somebody and this will all be left in the past where it belongs.

<tree_hugger>
I firmly believe the universe rewards courage and you've demonstrated great courage by telling you friend how you feel about her. It just rarely rewards it in the way you want - it's generally something much better. /pats universe
</tree_hugger>

Beruthiel

StormWarrior wrote:

IDid she ever give you any indication that she felt the same way or did you just leap right in?

What do you consider sleeping together would suggest to him?

LegacyUser

StormWarrior wrote:

Did she ever give you any indication that she felt the same way or did you just leap right in?

I might have gotten that impression when we were together. I never iniated it because I never wanted to be the cause of unwelcome advances, but I never pushed her away; I always wanted to be there and I'd never take back any single time I was with her. I've never had that comfort with anyone. I didn't leap in. I've managed to hold this together for a well over a year. And she never meant to hurt me.

You have to consider the possibility that she is very angry with you right now and probably feels uncomfortable around you.

Thankfully she's not angry with me. She understands that I cant change how I feel anymore than she can, and she also knows I never wanted this to happen. As I said, she's a good friend. We understand each other.

Thanks Evil Phil for the <treehugger> comment, it helps.
And thanks Beruthial and Tar.A for understanding. I really didn't want this to happen.

So the upshot is that the only way is a good long clean break?

LegacyUser

Do you think not meeting up, but staying in contact via e-mail/text/phone would work?

sobriquet

StormWarrior wrote:

Did she ever give you any indication that she felt the same way or did you just leap right in? You have to consider the possibility that she is very angry with you right now and probably feels uncomfortable around you.

Beruthiel has pointed out that the OPs' is not the same situation as yours, there was some degree of mutual attraction there. At the same time, I can see where you're coming from, but you have to remember two things. First, you don't need to lead someone on for them to fall for you. In fact, just being friendly, without any of the second-guessing or games so often involved in male/female relationships of any kind, can be very attractive in itself. Second, when someone does fall for you, all of a sudden, and without realising it, they're reading into statements and actions stuff they wouldn't with anyone else. Regular contact and making plans together etc are seen as romantic interest rather than just friendship etc. And besides which, some actions can be genuinely ambiguous, intentionally or otherwise.

I can understand your anger though too, SW. Blokes do often forget that it's different for girls(tm) in a lot of ways, and I think genuine straight-up male friendships aren't often come by. So when you've got one and the man says he wants more then you feel betrayed in some way (not the word I'm looking for but gets across my meaning well enough). From my own experience and observation that's how it reads to me anyway.

OP, the advice given so far seems right. Take a step back for a while, give both you and her space to breath, maybe pick up the friendship after a while. Your other mates, that warned you about this, don't be too hesitant to talk to them about it. If they're good folk there should be no 'I told you so' with it.

CivilServant

Unfortunately OP I think the relationship has taken a major turn and the imbalance is clear for everyone to see. It's not a sweet pill but in fact a bitter one, you have to move on. You have told her how you feel and she doesn't feel the same way. The hard thing is to get over it, you were building your reality around this person, spending so much time with her and now she doesn't even see things the way you do. You said she went out with another guy and you felt crushed, man I know how you feel and the best advice is to get out of there quickly, like another poster said you're only torturing yourself. Spend some time with other friends, meet new people and just change out of your old habits. It's hard at first but time heals. If you truely want to save the friendship then you probably will have to find someone else first IMO, because every little action will seem like it stems from love and she doesn't want to have to deal with that. It's time for you to do something new, take up a new activity, start a new circle of friends, anything at all, just get a cold shower, bawl your eyes out and move on.

Tar.Aldarion

CupidsNemesis wrote:

Do you think not meeting up, but staying in contact via e-mail/text/phone would work?

Even when you have no contact with her you will constantly think about her, if you are like I was. If I were you and this happened with my experience, I would stay away until I fell for somebody else, but you may be different. Godd luck with what you decide.

smcelhinney

CupidsNemesis wrote:

Do you think not meeting up, but staying in contact via e-mail/text/phone would work?

Nip this in the bud. You cant constantly question the methods you use. Im going through this with a very good friend of mine who has recently broke up with her bf, and she keeps asking "what if..", like "what if we just talked the odd time". The end result is always the same.

You end up reading into stuff... "Oooh, she texted me this, what does that mean?", and completely over-analysing things.

Step back a bit, gain some perspective. You say you feel alone and unhappy, you need to sort that out first before you can start thinking about a resolution with her.

Be happy with yourself first mate.. trust me : )

Beruthiel

CupidsNemesis wrote:

Do you think not meeting up, but staying in contact via e-mail/text/phone would work?

That won't work. You will only prolong the process by doing the above and you can't possibly get over her if you do nothing but think about her.

muppetkiller

She may also be using you as a security blanket. Seriously she knows you like her , she even sleeps with you but will not commit to you or admit that she has feelings for you.
Seems to me whenever she's feeling down she'll come to you because you make her feel good about herself.
I think if you say to her that you need time to get over how you feel about her she will really miss you but not as a friend. Her support base will be gone.
I am currently in the exact same situation and I'm just after a month of not seeing her. It was hell at first but life is really picking up since.

py2006

I have read most of the posts here but not the last few so forgive me if I get this wrong.

But to me it sounds like she has totally made a fool out of you and taken advantage. She knew you had feelings for her, she didn't have any for you yet she continued to by physical with you?? Am I right?

Thats whats called a total headwrecker in my book!

I guess the good thing is now that its out in the open. You didn't get the answer you were hoping for but now you can at least move on (slowly but surely). The weight is off your shoulders!

EDIT: Hey Muppetkiller! Same join date and same amount of posts! Scary!

muppetkiller

py2006 wrote:

EDIT: Hey Muppetkiller! Same join date and same amount of posts! Scary!

cue X-files music lol

Shellie13

I take it the reasons that make you love here as something more are the same reasons that make you love her as a friend?!
Then no!

It hurts when the love is not reeciprocated- but by separting from her from a few months your taking a friend away from yourself too!
Girls/lads come n go-a good friend is forever- don't lose what you've got!

davyjose

Personally OP, I don't believe that she truly was your best friend. I think that you are simply in love with her. I would consider my g/f to be my best friend, but I know that this is because of the love that we share, i.e. I know that some of the reasons she is my best friend could not exist if I didn't love her. I have had best friends (male) in the past, and at no point have my feelings for them blurred. This might seem obvious, but what qualities does she possess that a male best friend doesn't? Good looks? A nice rack? You see what I'm getting at? I'm guessing it goes beyond sex or looks at this stage - that's love.
It goes back to the whole "Guys and Girls can't be friends" thing. And I have to say I agree with that. Female friendships have a different dynamic about them, and whilst it may seem that at first you are "just friends", feelings always seem to develop in a way that they just don't with same sex friends.
But at the end of the day, if you've fallen in love with your best friend, then you can't really put her in the bracket of best friend. And so my advice - finally - would be to move on. We all get hurt by love. WE ALL DO. Learn from it, and move on.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

'...well I did it. I met her yesterday and explained it all to her, how I felt, what I think I need to do, etc.. She was supportive butvery upset. It was crushing to see her so upset, and I feel like total sh1t after it. However felt before I feel like I've totally let her down and just destroyed one of my most valued friendships. ...to such and extent I almost rang her.
I'm going to stay the course but it's hard to see how this is the right thing to do. I hope she forgives me in a few months (which I'm sure she will, i just know we'll never be as close again)'

CaroleLynch

CupidsNemesis wrote:

The other day she told me something relativly innocent: She went out to dinner with another man. I felt devistated; crushed. It was like someone was squeezing my insides; it was horriable. I felt like I was dumped (even though I'm single!)! - where's the justice in that!
I guess this is the slap of reason I need: what sort of friend am I if I feel like that? How can I be a friend to her if she tells me a innocent story and I get crushed?
I feel disappointed with myself for letting both of us down. I can't talk to my best friend about it. My other mates have been warning me for well over a year now so I can't talk to them. I feel utterly alone.

Of course you are going to feel gutted when you hear that she is going out with another man, you are inlove with her. Unfortunatlely as much as you would like to be friends with her, you are going to have to distance yourself until you have excepted that she does not feel the same way.

You have not let her down by falling for her, that is something that you cannot control. Your should talk to one of your friends about it. I know you feel that you can't because they have been telling you for over a year that it was going to happen, but they are your friends and friends are there for you no matter what happends..

LegacyUser

'

CupidsNemesis wrote:

'...well I did it. I met her yesterday and explained it all to her, how I felt, what I think I need to do, etc.. She was supportive butvery upset. It was crushing to see her so upset, and I feel like total sh1t after it. However felt before I feel like I've totally let her down and just destroyed one of my most valued friendships. ...to such and extent I almost rang her.
I'm going to stay the course but it's hard to see how this is the right thing to do. I hope she forgives me in a few months (which I'm sure she will, i just know we'll never be as close again)'

Well unless u enjoy prolonged self torture, self loathing and watching as the love of your life gets rodgered by every tom dick and harry that takes her fancy and then coming to you and telling you about every sordid detail, then go for my man.

Summary - stay the hell away from her! she's toxic to you now.'

Kell

py2006 wrote:

But to me it sounds like she has totally made a fool out of you and taken advantage. She knew you had feelings for her, she didn't have any for you yet she continued to by physical with you?? Am I right?

Thats whats called a total headwrecker in my book!

Hate to say that I was that muppet once too. OP- the way to get over her is to a) view her as a complete stranger and then b) ask yourself if you would want to be with someone who could take you for a total ride and then behave really immaturely about the whole thing? If the answer is yes, then you need your head read.

I lived with a girl for a year, brilliant relationship, spilled the beans and whammo everything changed. The fúcker even pretended everything was fine still going out for drinks, letting me take her to dinner etc, when in the back of her head she was uncomfortable.

As I said, the way I got over that one was asking myself if I wanted to be with someone who treated me like that, lied and was really quite immature about the whole thing. Still fancy her rotten, but wouldnt give her the steam of my píss if she begged.

K-

Wibbs

^^^^^ QFT. In the biggest way possible.

Tar.Aldarion

Good luck...

LegacyUser

py2006 wrote:

But to me it sounds like she has totally made a fool out of you and taken advantage. She knew you had feelings for her, she didn't have any for you yet she continued to by physical with you?? Am I right?

Yes and no. Yes we continued to get physical, but only because I assured her that it was ok. I was sure myself that it would be ok, and it was for a while. Friends with benfits I guess. How was she making a fool of me? I'm an adult - perhaps I made a fool of myself, but I can't blame her for that.

Kell wrote:

Hate to say that I was that muppet once too. OP- the way to get over her is to a) view her as a complete stranger and then b) ask yourself if you would want to be with someone who could take you for a total ride and then behave really immaturely about the whole thing? If the answer is yes, then you need your head read.

...again I don't see how I was taken for a ride, or how you make out she behaved really immature. Perhaps I implied it? but not intentionally.

sobriquet

CupidsNemesis wrote:

I don't see how I was taken for a ride, or how you make out she behaved really immature.

It's not necessarily the case that she set out to lead you on or take you for a ride, but that's basically what happened. Did she behave immaturely? If she knew that you had feelings for her, even after you assured her that you were content just being friends, then the mature, respectful, friendly thing to do would be to back off and let you sort yourself out, not carry on as normal. I dunno if this is the case, and it doesn't matter much at this point.

CupidsNemesis wrote:

I feel like I've totally let her down and just destroyed one of my most valued friendships.

It wasn't just a friendship. It was unrequited love, and I can't see how you can have both in a healthy friendship. Let her down? This isn't about her, she'll be fine. You don't need to blame her nor yourself for anything at this point, just focus on getting over it.

CupidsNemesis wrote:

it's hard to see how this is the right thing to do

What else could you do? Suffer on silently and witness and hear about her moving on in her romantic life? You did the right thing.

py2006

CupidsNemesis wrote:

How was she making a fool of me? I'm an adult - perhaps I made a fool of myself, but I can't blame her for that.

Not yet you don't see it, but you will! Trust me! The anger comes later.

Yes you are both adults but that doesn't mean you can't be taken advantage of. When you have strong feelings for somebody you are vulunerable.

Tar.Aldarion

py2006 wrote:

Trust me! The anger comes later.

Yes, yes it does...


Anyway, don't be second guessing yourself or anything, you did the right thing.
You will miss her, it will hurt when you see her from afar but you will get over it and well, find somebody else. Maybe you can be friends with her again, in a long long time.