Staying friends???

locombia

Im 26 years old and have just ended a 4 year relationship with my boyfriend. Is it possible that we can remain friends?? I really don't want to lose contact with him. The thing is that I only want to be friends and nothing else. He feels exactly the same thing cause he has told me and we have talked long hours on the subject. I couldn't see me and him together for life as a couple but at the same time I want him to be part of my life. He has been there for me in troubled times and I really respect his opinion, advice and honesty. i don't want to lose this. Has anyone out there remained good friends with their ex without it getting too complicated or without any one getting hurt. I feel relief that we have broken up as that is honestly what I wanted, but at the same time I feel heartbroken that he mightn't be in my life for very long....

Marksie

Yes it is entirely possible. But first you do need a cooling down period and time for both of you to reassess the situation.

It appears to Been amicable split. But just be sure both you and your ex are on an even keel first.

oh and to answer the last part of your question, i am still friends with an ex after nearly 20 years

biko

locombia wrote:

Im 26 years old and have just ended a 4 year relationship with my boyfriend. Is it possible that we can remain friends?? I really don't want to lose contact with him.

Only you and him can say this for sure. If you were the one breaking up with him he should be the one making this decision.
Were you friends before you were lovers?

I have remained friends with exes but it's never going to be the same, that's just impossible.

Uncalled for movie quote: Ace Levy: Ain't it great how they want to be your friend right after they rip your guts out?

Steffano2002

I never managed to remain friends with an ex... I still speak to one of them but it's because we work together and we're "pals", not "friends".

Good luck though!

Wibbs

I would say only if you both don't want anything more and the split as in your case was agreed between you. I mean really agreed too. Not wishful thinking on one or the others part. Are you sure that he holds not hope for reconciliation? If you can answer that truthfully outside of what you want, then that's a start.

It does depend on the situation. In most cases it's a bad plan if the split was unbalanced. In a case of an uneven split it's selfishness on the part of the dumper to even ask of an ex. Basically you are rejecting them as a lover, yet they're Ok just as a friend? You're saying to them, " I don't want you as a BF/GF but I want you around just in case and because I might miss you". Not good if the other person still has hope of reconciliation.

I've had that happen to me before. Now if someone split up with me and asked me that question "can we still be friends", I would(and have) shown them the door. No question. Because they're effectively thinking of what they may lose, not what I may suffer from the loss being rubbed in my nose. They lose all access to my friendship even temporarily, the second they split up.

When I've split up with someone, I've realised they need space to heal and they won't get that if I want to be "friends". If I split up with someone I love(d), a split that they didn't want and are hurt by, my take is that in my dealings with them it should be about them and not me in those times. I've made the decision that affects us both and I would like to think I could reduce as much as possible the hurt I may cause them. I would need to let them go long enough for them to heal, find themselves and maybe find another. At that point I would be all for the friends bit. Maybe that explains that in my case I'm still friendly with most of the women I split up with, but not with the women who split up with me. With one notable exception, the only one who didn't ask me the "lets be friends" question.

Put it this way, if I wanted to torture an ex one of the first things I would do is ask "can we be friends".

It's possible, but let it come naturally or not after a period of distance.

jellie

It is possible, but id recommend some time with no contact to get over the relationship properly first. It can be messy, eg. if one of you begins to miss the relationship, it could hard to get over that person if youre seeing them regularly as a "friend".

hope it works out

claire-g

It must be possible, however, i've never seen it work. I have and other friends have tried and its a sad fact of life that when you've had a romantic relationship with someone and you break up its hard to identify and hold boundaries, it gets confusing, most likely someone will get hurt and whats the point in that????

SarahSassy

Yes, ive done it with 2 ex's. They are just friends with no strings attached... Its totally possible but I think you need to establish some distance at the start to let the memory of the romantic relationship fade.....

Its possible as long as there has been no bad breakup. It makes sense to me - if you likes them enough to go out with them, introduce them to your friends and family and have sex with them why would you not want to be their friend???

Wibbs

SarahSassy wrote:

Its possible as long as there has been no bad breakup.

It can also depend on the length and depth of the relationship itself. I would see two types of relationship. One where subconsciously you envisage it petering out. The standard BF/GF stuff. It's more casual, if not less intense. The other where you don't see an end and you feel this person might be for good. You have moved beyond the daft honeymoon stage. Perversely, I think the latter is a far harder one to move on from to the point of friendship. In that case the dumpee is losing not just the BF/GF bit, but there is also the loss of the potential future. That takes time to deal with. After that then friendship is possible, but difficult unless bot have moved on.

It makes sense to me - if you likes them enough to go out with them, introduce them to your friends and family and have sex with them why would you not want to be their friend???

That's only appealing if you were the one who decides to split. In that case you're in the driving seat not them. What if they still hold a torch for you? It's not just about what you may want after you've decided that you no longer want to be in a GF/BF relationship. It's what's good for them both in the short and long term. Having them around with them thinking in the back fo their mind there may still be a chance is not good for them moving on and healing. That would be my take on it anyway from being both the dumper and dumpee in the past.

I dunno, maybe it's a male/female difference(generally) as I've never heard of any of my male friends use the line "lets be friends" if they've instigated the breakup, but nearly everyone of my female friends and exes have used it.

Marksie

Well, the real litmus test of whether you can be friends comes when one or other of you meets someone else.
That is when you know

An Gaiscíoch

I'm in your ex's situation. My gf of 2 years broke up with me last week but still wants to be friends. We have mutual friends and this obviously makes things much more difficult considering she still lives with some of them and I moved out because of it. This thread has actually opened my eyes alot. Thanks (sorry if i butted in)

locombia

Thanks for that guys. Advice taken. The break up was a mutual one as we were doing the long distance thing for the past year and we were feeling the strain of it. We both have commitments that were too important for us to give up (college, work opportunities etc) so we decided the best thing was to end the 'relationship'. We ended in good terms, neither of us were hurt or felt hate towards each other so that is why we want to remain good friends. Im off on holidays next week for a month so this will give us time apart and to clear our heads. i suppose, as mentioned before, that the real test will be when we meet new people. For me that is not what i want straight away but i need to prepare myself that he could meet someone whenever he likes. I suppose I will have to cross that bridge when i come to it (sorry for the cliche...)

Wibbs

An Gaiscíoch, the advice I would give you is don't fall into the let's be friends trap. If you still have feelings for the ex and you would like to get back with her, then going down that road will just give you emotional turmoil and probably screw up any chance of getting back into the bargain.

The sooner you lose all contact with her, the better, if even for the time being. Some use the friends angle because they want to let you down easy. That's fine, but why settle for second best in your interactions with them. Others use the friends angle because they actually want to be friends. Sounds good, but it's quite self centered. Theyre thinking about what they may lose, not what will affect you. Being "friends" is all about what she wants, not what's good for you to get through this. The other reason I've seen is they want to keep you as a safety net in case they don't find someone else, or until they find someone else. The latter happened to one of my closest friends. She kept him hanging on as a "friend" and safety net, with false hope right up to the moment she announced she was moving to another country with someone else. He was heartbroken. Seeing him go through that and even in my own life having similar experiences(not nearly as bad thankfully), made me wary, I can tell you.

With mutual friends it's difficult. The last thing you need to do is involve them. It'll make them very uncomfortable. I wouldn't discuss the relationship with them. Avoid that like the plague. I've been put in that position and it's not nice. if they're real mates you'll still have them on the other side of this.

Basically the next time you see her, say to her that you need space for yourself, that you can't be just friends at the moment and you think it's best if your contact is limited and that she needs to respect that. Tell her the only contact that you would respond to is if she is willing to discuss reconcilliation. That gives you back some of the control(for want of a better word) you lost with the split.

Then on your own sort out your own head. Do all the things recommended for those in your position. Get out, get fit.... etc.

Wibbs

locombia I think you two will be ok. From what you say you had/have a very strong relationship. More than most. If only all relationships and breakups were this good. Your breakup was better than some of my relationships. The fact that you don't want to jump into another one so soon speaks volumes. The time apart will help you both.

The romantic in me feels sorry that other commitments got in the way of a relationship that close. Ah well you never know what the future may bring. Jeez you can hear the violins. I'm such a sucker for a happy ending

claire-g

Wibbs wrote:

I'm such a sucker for a happy ending

Aww thats great, i used to be like that too til i got my heart smashed into smitherines.

Anyhoo....OP best of luck with it all!!!

Wibbs

claire-g wrote:

Aww thats great, i used to be like that too til i got my heart smashed into smitherines.

Hey so have I but it doesn't mean I can't get a better heart for the next time.

Anyhoo....OP best of luck with it all!!!

Agreed

Mighty_Mouse

never seen it work expecially coming out of a long-term relationship.

Wait until one of ye turns up with the "new partner" and see how the other reacts!! That'll show very quickly who's over who!

An Gaiscíoch

Wibbs wrote:

An Gaiscíoch, the advice I would give you is don't fall into the let's be friends trap. If you still have feelings for the ex and you would like to get back with her, then going down that road will just give you emotional turmoil and probably screw up any chance of getting back into the bargain.

The sooner you lose all contact with her, the better, if even for the time being. Some use the friends angle because they want to let you down easy. That's fine, but why settle for second best in your interactions with them. Others use the friends angle because they actually want to be friends. Sounds good, but it's quite self centered. Theyre thinking about what they may lose, not what will affect you. Being "friends" is all about what she wants, not what's good for you to get through this. The other reason I've seen is they want to keep you as a safety net in case they don't find someone else, or until they find someone else. The latter happened to one of my closest friends. She kept him hanging on as a "friend" and safety net, with false hope right up to the moment she announced she was moving to another country with someone else. He was heartbroken. Seeing him go through that and even in my own life having similar experiences(not nearly as bad thankfully), made me wary, I can tell you.

With mutual friends it's difficult. The last thing you need to do is involve them. It'll make them very uncomfortable. I wouldn't discuss the relationship with them. Avoid that like the plague. I've been put in that position and it's not nice. if they're real mates you'll still have them on the other side of this.

Basically the next time you see her, say to her that you need space for yourself, that you can't be just friends at the moment and you think it's best if your contact is limited and that she needs to respect that. Tell her the only contact that you would respond to is if she is willing to discuss reconcilliation. That gives you back some of the control(for want of a better word) you lost with the split.

Then on your own sort out your own head. Do all the things recommended for those in your position. Get out, get fit.... etc.

It's tough though. I've known them all for 5+ years and a couple of them for over years but they became friends with her when we started seeing each other around 2 years ago. They are now her main friend group. It's difficult when I want to go up and see them coz the thoughts of her being there puts me off going. It's a difficult situation.

claire-g

Wibbs wrote:

Hey so have I but it doesn't mean I can't get a better heart for the next time.

I cant deny that, as much as id like to try

Offalycool

It never ever ever worked for me

muppetkiller

I've become better friends with my ex than I ever was when I was seeing her lol.
Yes it's possible.

DublinWriter

locombia wrote:

Has anyone out there remained good friends with their ex without it getting too complicated or without any one getting hurt.

Yes, I'm close friends with three of my ex's and in regular contact at least once a week with all of them. I could count them as some of my closest friends.

It is possible but there are two things to be carefull of. Firstly, present/new partners can be very intimidated by such relationships and secondly, always avoid putting yourself in a comprimising position with an ex where you are both exposed to drink.

Attol

My best friend is my ex. We fought for a few months(we'd been broken up a while at that point) and stuff from when we went out did end up resurfacing but the thought of ever getting back with him is ridiculous. We share loads of interests and get on really well. I think we're pretty comfortable with each other too. As long as there are no romantic feelings whatsoever and you can meet their new girlfriend/boyfriend and feel nothing but happiness for your friend then you know it should be ok. Any twinge of jealousy and it's time to back off.

silvine

Sounds like you want to have it both ways - the best of the relationship without the worst. It'll never work.

There will be too many old feelings or jealousies sparked when one of you meets some one else.

Myrddin

biko wrote:

Uncalled for movie quote: Ace Levy: Ain't it great how they want to be your friend right after they rip your guts out?

Starship troopers??? Classic quote and quite apt.

Wibbs

An Gaisc&#237 wrote: »

It's tough though.

It is that.

I've known them all for 5+ years and a couple of them for over years but they became friends with her when we started seeing each other around 2 years ago. They are now her main friend group. It's difficult when I want to go up and see them coz the thoughts of her being there puts me off going. It's a difficult situation.

Hard one. You need to keep your friends and not just because they were your friends "first". You could do this a couple of ways. One way is to tell your friends that because it is difficult for you at the minute and seeing her now is too soon, that you'll see less of them for the time being. Explain that you don't want to involve them in any way that might make them uncomfortable. The other way would be to continue to see them on the occasions when she's not around. Arrange something with her along those lines. If she flips out over that she's not understanding your end of it. I'm sure others would have other solutions.

An Gaiscíoch

Wibbs wrote:

It is that. Hard one. You need to keep your friends and not just because they were your friends "first". You could do this a couple of ways. One way is to tell your friends that because it is difficult for you at the minute and seeing her now is too soon, that you'll see less of them for the time being. Explain that you don't want to involve them in any way that might make them uncomfortable. The other way would be to continue to see them on the occasions when she's not around. Arrange something with her along those lines. If she flips out over that she's not understanding your end of it. I'm sure others would have other solutions.

I have no doubt that she'd be alright with that but at the moment I just need to sort out myself. look after no1 for a bit!

Wibbs

An Gaisc&#237 wrote: »

at the moment I just need to sort out myself. look after no1 for a bit!

Nail on the head. After you lose the US, you need to start thinking about YOU. Actually if you get your head right the us of any relationship is far less likely to fail in the future. If it does it's down to pure incompatibility. If you're really together in your head, you will spot the incompatibility before it even starts, but that's usually the remit of people who sit on the tops of mountains going OMMMMMMMMM:D I certainly haven't got to that stage yet. Ahh the sight of a well turned ankle and my brain is in neutral......

DD

We all want that but it doesnt happen cos its impossible. Maybe later in a few years, but when the breaking up is still warm ...not a chance..impossible.

An Gaiscíoch

Wibbs wrote:

Nail on the head. After you lose the US, you need to start thinking about YOU. Actually if you get your head right the us of any relationship is far less likely to fail in the future. If it does it's down to pure incompatibility. If you're really together in your head, you will spot the incompatibility before it even starts, but that's usually the remit of people who sit on the tops of mountains going OMMMMMMMMM:D I certainly haven't got to that stage yet. Ahh the sight of a well turned ankle and my brain is in neutral......

well another week has gone by and things dont seem to be going my way. Miss her like hell. Big depressed head on me all the time. its affecting everything. we've textd couple of times but i end up sayin something stupid. from talkin to my friends she is out on de piss every second night and livin it up. its our mates' birthday but i just dont wanna go coz she'll be there. grrr

Wibbs

It's only been a week. You're still in panic mode. So she's out enjoying herself? Big deal. You have to let that go. It's not about her anymore. It's not about the "us" of your old relationship anymore. That relationship is no more. It's over. It's all about you now. Learn from this. Learn where the relationship went wrong and your part in it. Learn, change and then let it and her go.

Think of it this way. You're moping around pining for her while she's moving on. Let's say that she still had feelings for you. What feelings would she have knowing you're falling apart? I'll tell you; guilt and pity. Not very attractive emotions to be feeling when thinking of someone.

This will take time. Take one day at a time and start to improve you.

Now tell your friends you don't want to hear about her. Nothing, nada, sod all. Don't call, text or email. If she contacts you tell her you would rather not hear from her for the time being as things are too raw and you need space. She should respect that. If she starts crying or any other emotional bs at that request, ignore it. If she starts moaning about "but you're my friend" or any of that, politely nip it in the bud. She can't have her cake and eat it.

As for your mates B'day, I would avoid it unless you can avoid moping around for the night. Don't be too surprised if she shows up with someone either. If you do go, DO NOT drink too much, as chances are high you'll end up regretting stuff the next morning.