Everyday Things You Have Never Done Anyday.

Pighead

Pighead sees himself as a man of the world, a person who is sought out by others to answer lifes unanswered questions. Without wanting to blow ones own trumpet, theres not much that this user doesn't know.

However recently its come to my attention that there is simple everyday stuff that is beyond even my vast intellectual capabilities.

If Degsy and his skanger buddies came up to Pighead and said:

"Alright Pighead buddy, we're just after robbing a house, as you can see our hands are full with televisions laptops and various kitchen appliances, could you do us a favour and light us all a cigarette and put each one into our mouths?"

To be perfectly honest, Pighead would be fcuked. Never in my life have I sparked up a fag. I know it looks easy but i'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do it. There would be coughing spluttering and unlit fags galore. Its an embarassing state of affairs and one that Pighead isn't delighted about admitting but its true.

Also if Pighead and Beruthial were engaging in rushed lunchtime sex and Bru's blouse buttons were ripped open in the heat of passions, and she said to me

"Pighead the sex was magnificent but my fingers and toes are numb with pleasure and there is no way I can sew these blouse buttons back on, do me a favour and sew them all back on, i've got a high powered board meeting in 5 minutes."

Again Pighead would be simliarly fcuked. Not a bloody clue as to how to sew a button back onto any type of garment. You may as well give me a version of Great Expectations in Chinese and ask me to translate.

So what everyday things have you never done?

Degsy

Pighead wrote:

Pighead sees himself as a man of the world, a person who is sought out by others to answer lifes unanswered questions. Without wanting to blow ones own trumpet, theres not much that this user doesn't know.

However recently its come to my attention that there is simple everyday stuff that is beyond even my vast intellectual capabilities.

If Degsy and his skanger buddies came up to Pighead and said:

"Alright Pighead buddy, we're just after robbing a house, as you can see our hands are full with televisions laptops and various kitchen appliances, could you do us a favour and light us all a cigarette and put each one into our mouths?"

To be perfectly honest, Pighead would be fcuked. Never in my life have I sparked up a fag. I know it looks easy but i'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do it. There would be coughing spluttering and unlit fags galore.

I find it difficult,nay impossible to believe that you've never had a fag in your mouth...Not only that but you're probably trying to bum fags in the jacks of pubs all the time.

Beruthiel

Pighead wrote:

You may as well give me a version of Great Expectations in Chinese and ask me to translate.

And yet, there's more chance of you doing that then getting any kind of lunchtime sex.
You've really got to move on now Piggie, this stalking is very unhealthy for you, and I mean that both mentally as well as physically....

ps
what sorta loser can't sew a button?

John Mason

i am ashamed to say, i dont know how to check the air pressure in my tyres or how to even go about putting air in

i also dont know how to cook a chicken or a lump of meat

Pighead

Beruthiel wrote:

And yet, there's more chance of you doing that then getting any kind of lunchtime sex.
You've really got to move on now Piggie, this stalking is very unhealthy for you, and I mean that both mentally as well as physically....

You're still angry at Pighead for glueing those buttons onto your sheer lacy gucci blouse aren't you?

Anyway Bru, stay on topic babes. What normal everyday things have you never done ever?

Jumpy

I can sew buttons on, I just cant tie them off.
So they fall off again.

jester77

Well, I'm a 30-something guy that doesn't know how to drive... yet I've a full driving license

blah

I can't turn left.

Pighead

Pigheads never bought a pair of socks. All the socks in my drawer have been bought for me at Christmas/Birthdays. When I reach 30 i'm going to start wearing socks of my choosing. Turning 30 should be a time for life altering decisions.

Beruthiel

Pighead wrote:

You're still angry at Pighead for glueing those buttons onto your sheer lacy gucci blouse aren't you?

Well Paul, I may just have to stalk you right back as you don't seem to be giving up

Anyway Bru, stay on topic babes. What normal everyday things have you never done ever?

I can do everything, I would have thought that was obvious by now.

Q_Ball

I dont think i've ever written a long overdrawn thread title where the first letter of every word was capitalized.

Is lunchtime sex an everyday thing?

jester77

Q_Ball wrote:

Is lunchtime sex an everyday thing?

Except on weekends, it's then callled breakfasttime sex!

Pighead

Beruthiel wrote:

Well Paul, I may just have to stalk you right back as you don't seem to be giving up



I can do everything, I would have thought that was obvious by now.

Is there anything better in life than a full on lunchtime boner?

Jumpy

blah wrote:

I can't turn left.

Thats Magnum out for you then.

Creamy Goodness

never had a cigarette in my mouth like Pighead, but have had a cigar (very drunk and never again).

Q_Ball

Pighead wrote:

Is there anything better in life than a full on lunchtime boner?

A post 'full on lunchtime boner' boner? or steak?

The_B_Man

so good they made a song about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZFDgMLGwvw

on topic:
I cant watch soaps. its a blessing in disguise.

Pherekydes

Pighead wrote:

Pigheads never bought a pair of socks. All the socks in my drawer have been bought for me at Christmas/Birthdays. When I reach 30 i'm going to start wearing socks of my choosing. Turning 30 should be a time for life altering decisions.

Jeez, don't wait for another 17 years to buy your own sox.

Jumpy

The_B_Man wrote:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZFDgMLGwvw

I clicked that as my 'Rick sense' went off. Thank god it was legit.

copacetic

Beruthiel wrote:

Well Paul, I may just have to stalk you right back as you don't seem to be giving up

if the pair of ye are gonna stalk each other the thing to do would be to move in together to ease the workload..

AlmightyCushion

Pighead wrote:

To be perfectly honest, Pighead would be fcuked. Never in my life have I sparked up a fag. I know it looks easy but i'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do it. There would be coughing spluttering and unlit fags galore. Its an embarassing state of affairs and one that Pighead isn't delighted about admitting but its true.

I'm in the same boat here mate.

Blitzkrieger

jester77 wrote:

doesn't know how to drive... yet I've a full driving license

There's lots of people like that out there......

kevmy

I can similarly neither sew nor have I ever lit a fag ( I have tried smoking didn't like it but always had fags lit - yes all 7 times)

However unlike certain poster I have never referred to myself in the third person

Pherekydes

copacetic wrote:

if the pair of ye are gonna stalk each other the thing to do would be to move in together to ease the workload..

I'd say Ber is thinking along the lines of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

Pighead, watch your pet rabbit (or Pig).

Pighead

Slow coach wrote:

I'd say Ber is thinking along the lines of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

Pighead, watch your pet rabbit (or Pig).

Pigheads more worried about his testicles to be honest after reading about that crazy English woman last week.

Another everyday thing Pighead hasn't done anyday is use a pair of rollerskates. Seems like fun but where do you buy rollerskates? Do they even still exist? Are rollerblades the new rollerskates? So many questions, so little time.

Peter Collins

I have never

a) given myself a nickname
b) referred to myself in the third person by the nickname I made up
c) thought I was a gas character for doing so

jester77

I've never walked outside in pyjamas! Actually I haven't owned pyjamas since I was a kid.

copacetic

Peter Collins wrote:

I have never

a) given myself a nickname
b) referred to myself in the third person by the nickname I made up
c) thought I was a gas character for doing so

pretty sad old life you are leading there peter. live a little. start off by calling yourself PC and take it from there..

Pighead

Peter Collins wrote:

I have never

a) given myself a nickname
b) referred to myself in the third person by the nickname I made up
c) thought I was a gas character for doing so

Collins, Pighead is sure you're a lovely fella but its plainly obvious that you are not suited to the daily rigours of writing on a message board.

Out of your 250 pots, 249 of them have been negative moaning whingeing nonsense.( The exception being that post you made in Antiques a while back, brilliantly crafted post if you don't mind me saying).

Perhaps its time to hang up the typewriter and sort out the issues in your life that make you so miserable.

By the way, question for the mods. Pighead realises that calling a auser a cnut on a thread is a bannable offence, but I'm wondering is it ok to use that term via PM without fear of sanction?

Archeron

I have never had a beautiful lady take a dump on my chest. Hate to admit it, but there you go!

FunkZ

Blitzkrieger wrote:

jester77 wrote:

Well, I'm a 30-something guy that doesn't know how to drive... yet I've a full driving license

There's lots of people like that out there......

Here. That's very, very sexist.

Steve_o

Archeron wrote:

I have never had a beautiful lady take a dump on my chest. Hate to admit it, but there you go!

Really??? Get with the times man, all the cool kids are doin it!!!:D

On topic...I've been driving for 2 years and i can't change a puncture!

FunkZ

Peter Collins wrote:

I have never

a) given myself a nickname
b) referred to myself in the third person by the nickname I made up
c) thought I was a gas character for doing so

A: You're just not cool enough man.
B: Neither have I and I think it's rather sad man. But...
C: Arron cracks himself up all the time 85% of the time!

I've never ever been to a concert, or the cinema on my own?

Tar.Aldarion

Can' sew, never lit a cigarette, haven't brushed my teeth, showered, been in the sun or brushed my hair.

Duggy747

Can't skin a joint despite being surrounded by it for 8 years Though it gets me out of situations where people ask me (I'm ScabMaster 2000 Series) I'm just so bloody lazy. As for having a steamer squeezed out on my chest I'll hold my hand up in shame and say no, I haven't tried it yet.

MikeHoncho

Duggy747 wrote:

Can't skin a joint despite being surrounded by it for 8 years Though it gets me out of situations where people ask me (I'm ScabMaster 2000 Series) I'm just so bloody lazy.

I will join you that one Duggy. I actually made a conscious decision not to learn as I have an addictive personality and would probably have completly messed my life up. I also never learned how to self inject, chop a line, make crack etc.

Don1

Can't cook. Tried it a few years back and got on okay, but I just don't bother.

5starpool

To use a real life* example where an everyday skill that I don't have stymied me in some way, if I was at one side of an unwadeable river with no bridge or boat or any other way of crossing without swimming, and there was a gorgeous woman on the other side offering herself to me on the other side of the river, if only I would come across to her, then I would sadly not be able to get there as I swim like a stone.

*may never have happened

Slow Motion

Never done a full days work, I've tried many times but the interweb keeps drawing me back, it's just so bloody sticky

Peter Collins

Pighead wrote:

Collins, Pighead is sure you're a lovely fella but its plainly obvious that you are not suited to the daily rigours of writing on a message board.

Out of your 250 pots, 249 of them have been negative moaning whingeing nonsense.( The exception being that post you made in Antiques a while back, brilliantly crafted post if you don't mind me saying).

Perhaps its time to hang up the typewriter and sort out the issues in your life that make you so miserable.

By the way, question for the mods. Pighead realises that calling a auser a cnut on a thread is a bannable offence, but I'm wondering is it ok to use that term via PM without fear of sanction?

Pighead has strayed off-topic

electric69

Blitzkrieger wrote:

There's lots of people like that out there......

They are called "females"

John Mason

i cant roll a joint with the use of a little machine (hangs head in shame)

electric69

Peter Collins wrote:

Pighead has strayed off-topic

Off with his head i say!

kevmy

Pighead wrote:

Collins, Pighead is sure you're a lovely fella but its plainly obvious that you are not suited to the daily rigours of writing on a message board.

Out of your 250 pots, 249 of them have been negative moaning whingeing nonsense.( The exception being that post you made in Antiques a while back, brilliantly crafted post if you don't mind me saying).

Perhaps its time to hang up the typewriter and sort out the issues in your life that make you so miserable.

By the way, question for the mods. Pighead realises that calling a auser a cnut on a thread is a bannable offence, but I'm wondering is it ok to use that term via PM without fear of sanction?

Ah now Pighead take it easy, we all know Peter Collins is too busy presenting Moto GP and the like on the television to ever learn how to write eloquently.

monkeyfudge

I don't know how to tie my shoelaces...

I used to have that episode of King Rolo that shows you how to do it... but someone taped over it.

Miguel_Sanchez

I don't know what a tracker mortgage is.

monkeyfudge

Jeff_Lebowski wrote:

I don't know what a tracker mortgage is.

I think it's a really expensive Tracker Bar that you have to take out a massive loan in order to afford.

imeatingchips

Peter Collins wrote:

Pighead has strayed off-topic

the pigs ramblings are both infinitely wise and hilariously funny. your ramblings, on the other hand, are cack.

zuutroy

imeatingchips wrote:

the pigs ramblings are both infinitely wise and hilariously funny.

You must be easily amused.

Homer

I've never looked at another mans wife

Peter Collins

imeatingchips wrote:

the pigs ramblings are both infinitely wise and hilariously funny. your ramblings, on the other hand, are cack.

He's a legend of the board alright