Can u love again, after bad breakup?

LegacyUser

Before I start I should say I'm going to seek a counsellor regarding this in the next couple of weeks but just wondering has anyone here gone through similar and what the outcome was.

Around 2 years ago I was dumped by my 1st love, 1st long term relationship (3 years). I was 20 at the time. We were very serious right up to the day it happened in my opinion. For about 2-3 months after the breakup, I was very suicidal and depressed. Couldn't function, couldn't eat, etc. Had to be put on medication and get counselling. After 3 months, the counsellor believed his job was done (and so did I at the time) and recommended I be taken off the medication. So that was the end of that.

Fast forward a year and I met this really nice girl who I am going out with now, find very attractive and get along with great. We have been going out just over 11 months and are quite serious. My problem, which although blatantly obvious has only become clear in the last few days is that I don't think I am in love with her. Like I could break up with her tomorrow and not feel a single emotion, whereas she would be devastated. I'm not planning on breaking up with her just for the record.

What I think has happened is after getting hurt so badly after the breakup of my 1st relationship, to the point I was suicidal, I have retracted into a state of emotional detachment from future relationships to protect myself.

I know this has advantages like I can never be hurt again, but there's something about it that I find really upsetting and just not right.

So that's it then, I am going to find a counsellor in the next week or so to see if that helps or he can sort out the situation, but would very much appreciate any advice given here from anyone who has been in a similar situation in the past and how it worked out. Thank you.

Wibbs

0bvioss wrote:

Before I start I should say I'm going to seek a counsellor regarding this in the next couple of weeks but just wondering has anyone here gone through similar and what the outcome was.

I think we've all gone through something at least similar to this.

Around 2 years ago I was dumped by my 1st love, 1st long term relationship (3 years). I was 20 at the time.

Ouch. Harsh.

We were very serious right up to the day it happened in my opinion.

I would say red flag here TBH. If you and her were serious right up to the day, the breakup wouldn't have happened. Nobaody breaks up suddenly with someone they love. It may look like that at the time or even now, but that's hardly ever the case. She was thinking about breaking up before that day. Put it another way. You were in love with her right? What circumstance could you have imagined at the time that would make you do a complete about face in the space of a day? Very very few I suspect. Did she go out with someone in under a month after you split? If she did it was planned. Subconsciously maybe but planned. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is that it may be important for you to understand what happened. Nothing happens for no reason. She had her reasons to break up. Maybe if you knew them it may help you move on for your own self worth and growth.

For about 2-3 months after the breakup, I was very suicidal and depressed. Couldn't function, couldn't eat, etc.

It happens to a lot of people.

Had to be put on medication and get counselling.

Fair play for seeking help. Brave..

Fast forward a year and I met this really nice girl who I am going out with now, find very attractive and get along with great. We have been going out just over 11 months and are quite serious.

So far so good.

My problem, which although blatantly obvious has only become clear in the last few days is that I don't think I am in love with her. Like I could break up with her tomorrow and not feel a single emotion, whereas she would be devastated.

Could be a number of things. You may not be in love with her. Could be as simple as that. As you say it could be that you have closed off to love because of the previous love and you're protecting yourself. I did something similar a few years back, but when I did meet someone I actually loved it didn't stop me. Didn't have to think about it. It's also possible that she's not the woman for you, although on paper she's great. That happens all the time, even for people without your particular history or circumstances.

I'm not planning on breaking up with her just for the record.

Fair enough, but I would try as your doing to resolve these issues as it's not fair on the pair of you. If you decide that you don't love her after trying to work things out let her go to find someone who will. You will find someone too(if not this current woman).

metrovelvet

OP - The heart is a resilient little muscle.

In my unprofessional opinion, this all sounds really good and healthy. It means the counselling worked because your ego is developed enough to sustain loss and you know it.

In fact studies have been done which show that the less healthy and developed your ego is the more likely you are to "fall in love" as this is a state of ego collapse, where you swim in that oceanic boundaryless state with another. The more developed your ego is the less likely the boundaries collapse.

This does not mean at all that you are not capable of loving someone, it just means that you relate differently, so that if things do fall apart you wont go down with the ship.

You think there is something wrong because you dont fear losing her? [See Wibbs Im not the only one with a weird coin collection - ref: my comment in other post about fear & desire two sides of same coin]

I dont know.... I think it sounds all good. Let it go... see how it goes.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote:

In fact studies have been done which show that the less healthy and developed your ego is the more likely you are to "fall in love" as this is a state of ego collapse, where you swim in that oceanic boundaryless state with another. The more developed your ego is the less likely the boundaries collapse.

Agreed. "true" love would be the reverse of that. It's about expanding those boundaries. I suppose "in love" is all about you and how the other person "makes" you feel. Love is both about what is right for them as well as what is right for you, even if that excludes you.

This does not mean at all that you are not capable of loving someone, it just means that you relate differently, so that if things do fall apart you wont go down with the ship.

Which is the best way to be. If you feel you need someone to complete you, you're not on the right track. If on the other hand you're fine on your own, but want to share with someone, then that's the healthy place to be. Still any breakup of a relationship would be accompanied by some emotion. A strong ego does not an automaton make. Otherwise psychopaths would be the ideal personality. Detachment from normal emotion is often a sign of something deeper at play. I don't think you should worry too much OP. You're hopefully going to get good help with this.

You think there is something wrong because you dont fear losing her?

I think you're missing the point. From my reading and the OP will help us out here, he is worried, because he feels he could leave her and "not feel a single emotion". How is that healthy in the scheme of things? Not falling to pieces is one thing, feeling nada is quite another. A fully developed person would naturally feel many things about the loss of a loved one, regardless of how advanced his or her ego would be. It wouldn't destroy them of course. It wouldn't reduce them to depression, but some emotion would be at play. If not why extend ones ego to include another in the first place? You don't need to be a numismatist to see that.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote:

Very very few I suspect. Did she go out with someone in under a month after you split? If she did it was planned. Subconsciously maybe but planned. The only reason I'm even mentioning this is that it may be important for you to understand what happened. Nothing happens for no reason. She had her reasons to break up. Maybe if you knew them it may help you move on for your own self worth and growth. It happens to a lot of people

Thanks for your reply, I'll just clear something up here - she was friendly with another guy from about 3 months before we broke up. Which I only found out long after the breakup. She started going out with him properly a couple of weeks after dumping me.

Just in relation to breaking up with my current girlfriend tomorrow and not feeling a single emotion, that's true. But I'm not generally an apathetic person. If I saw a dog dying on the street, I would feel emotion. Sadness etc. It seems to be confined to relationships.

Anyway keep the advice coming it's very understandable what you guys are saying.

Wibbs

0bvioss wrote:

I'll just clear something up here - she was friendly with another guy from about 3 months before we broke up. Which I only found out long after the breakup. She started going out with him properly a couple of weeks after dumping me.

I figured as much, sadly for you at the time. She planned it. As I said before and now with more info, I suppose you realised that it wasn't so sudden as you once thought. This is a good thing to realise. That way you can track the causes and reasons for that breakup. That's not to say the breakup was all down to you, but in the heel of the hunt, the only thing that is down to you is you. That's the bit you can improve for the next time and for yourself regardless.

Just in relation to breaking up with my current girlfriend tomorrow and not feeling a single emotion, that's true. But I'm not generally an apathetic person. If I saw a dog dying on the street, I would feel emotion. Sadness etc. It seems to be confined to relationships.

IMHO, it's a balance that needs to be struck. The one side is where you go to pieces when a relationship ends, the other where you feel nothing. Neither are healthy. The latter is probably easier to get over as you never got into it in the first place. That is a loss in the long term of the feelings that can be found in love for another. The old "better to have loved and lost than never".... There is some truth in it, as if nothing else, the pursuit of proper honest love is a pursuit of love and appreciation of what you as a person is capable of as much as what you are capable of giving to another. I'm not talking about the moon in june BS that is trotted out as a yardstick for love, but the true centered, complete deep feeling that one has for another and oneself.

Jaysus it's a hard ol road at times, but it's worth walking all the same. Me? I'll drive it as I'm a lazy bastid....:D

metrovelvet

A dog on the street wont abandon you so it's easier to feel for them. Animals don't reject you.

I can see how the trip switch didn't get flicked back on after the surge that break up sent through you. I can see how your psyche needs to protect you from that kind of pain again.

I am half envious of you OP and yet you know that you are invulnerable and seem to want that vulnerability back.

LegacyUser

'

metrovelvet wrote:

A dog on the street wont abandon you so it's easier to feel for them. Animals don't reject you.

I can see how the trip switch didn't get flicked back on after the surge that break up sent through you. I can see how your psyche needs to protect you from that kind of pain again.

I am half envious of you OP and yet you know that you are invulnerable and seem to want that vulnerability back.

I know what you mean. It's strange I would want that vulnerability back.. but it's not just the vulnerability it's other emotions too.. like intense happiness at the thought of seeing your girlfriend, feeling warm inside when with her even if its just something simple like sitting down watching tv, looking forward to seeing her when you are in work/college/whatever , and having her as a motivating factor to do better at those things.

Thanks for all the replies anyway, there are some very wise people on boards.ie'

CathyMoran

It took me a long time to love again after my first love - I actually dated someone shortly after we broke up but I felt cold towards them - luckily, my feelings changed over time to the extent that I am happily married to them now and love them more than I ever felt possible.

I do think that it takes a long time to get over your first love and you can react by deliberatly not letting other people in but if you give it time - I would not give up on your current partner but just allow yourself to heal.

metrovelvet

Either she is not the girl for you or you are stuck in the latter stages of the grieving process just before you let go.

If you were on anti-depressants they can inhibit your working through and out of it.

Either way you know you want more than what you have right now.

Jumpy

metrovelvet wrote:

A dog on the street wont abandon you so it's easier to feel for them. Animals don't reject you.

I can see how the trip switch didn't get flicked back on after the surge that break up sent through you. I can see how your psyche needs to protect you from that kind of pain again.

I am half envious of you OP and yet you know that you are invulnerable and seem to want that vulnerability back.

This ^

Self protection is a funny thing. Not many people can control it, and in some people it is a lot harder to break through.

I can recommend seeing a counsellor OP rather than any reliance on medication.
You need to start putting gates in those walls of yours.

Offalycool

"Can you love again after a bad brake up?"


................. YES

Marksie

0bvioss wrote:

retracted into a state of emotional detachment from future relationships to protect myself.

I know this has advantages like I can never be hurt again, but there's something about it that I find really upsetting and just not right.

Keep thinking like that. You need a period to heal and lick wounds. But to not open yourself to the possibility of loving again is really not living.

Everything is a possible leason to be learned, whether you learn it or not is up to you, but there will be one and not all the best lessons are necessarily the nice experiences.
Retreating behind studies to justify essentially closing aspects of yourself off is simply another way of running away.

It is important to understand OP that only one person is ultimately responsible for your happiness and thats yourself. No-one else can do it for you. Ultimately you will be responsible for your own unhappiness rather than a gender biased cause.

I spend a lot of time advicing people to lower the walls of ego (ego in this sense being the defenses thrown up around ourselves), open to trust with each other and work on intimacy to both go deeper with themselves and their partner.

So from this aspect, yes it is eminently possible to love again, and in a much stronger and healthier fashion as the lessons learned now can be applied.

pwd

You say you're quite serious with your new gf, but that you don't think you love her, or would feel anything if you broke up.

I would guess that she doesn't know this. If you are serious together and together 11 months then I think you have told her you love her.

If you aren't emotionally honest with someone, you won't be able to experience real intimacy with them. The fact that you are asking strangers on the internet to help you understand how you feel rather than trying to broach it, however indirectly, with her indicates to me that you aren't really sharing with her in the way you could be.

panda100

0bvioss wrote:

Just in relation to breaking up with my current girlfriend tomorrow and not feeling a single emotion, that's true.

Id really reccomend being single for a while.I had the exact same predicement with my first boyfrined.We went out for two years I was head over heels in love with him and then one day he told me he was in love with someone else in his class and they'd been seeing each other for a month.

That happened about three years ago. Ive really worked on myself after that spending time with my family and friends and reconnecting with my feelings.I have had one or two relationships with great guys but they were nothing like I felt for my first boyfriend.

I dont want to put a negative on this after the all the positve posts you've got but I have to say,no I dont think you can love in the same way again after a bad breakup. No amount of counselling or whatever will get back that trust and innocent love you felt for your first girlfriend. So no. I dont think you will ever have that head over heels,cant breath without them love again but you will have a more mature love.A love where you will be more guarded initially and It will take time,maybe a good year or two before you feel you can trust and open up to one person.
Without sounding really soppy,you heart got a really bad bruising. For some people the healing process can be done in a month.For others like me and you who feel quite deeply then the healing process is taking a lot longer.

Anywyas,I really would reccomend taking a bit of time out form relationships for a while. Spend a bit of me-time with yourself.