I thought I was well over her....

LegacyUser

Hi all, sorry this is so long!

A couple years ago I became friends with this girl who I had fancied for years. We got on great. We could talk for hours and enjoyed each others company. I had developed really strong feelings for her and quite quickly found myself thinking about her constantly. We went out for drinks/coffee together every weekend for over a year. Our body language suggested we were a couple to onlookers but we were not.

For various reasons I never told her how I felt. I believe she was fully aware of my feelings. There were times were I thought that she had similar feelings for me as she was very suggestive and flirtatious at times with me and I think she liked seeing the blushing, embarrassed look in my face.

Anyway, last summer she moved away. The lead up to this left me an emotional mess. To make things worse, just before she left we had a really big falling out. Not only did I loose a really good friend but my heart was broken too.

This left me profoundly hurt and I got terribly depressed.

In hindsight, we needed this falling out as it gave me time to “move on”. For the most part my feelings had subsided. I made it a thing to never text her or call her as I didn’t want to go back to the pathetic mess that I was. I remained on friendly terms of course.

Anyway, she invited me to Galway to visit her last weekend. I decided what the hell. I had only seen her a couple times since last year but that was in a large group. So I thought this would be a good test of how I had "moved on". But straight away, we clicked like before. It was like the year without seeing her never happened. She looked great.

I realised straight away I still feel for this girl. I wanted to jump back in my car and head home but I couldn’t. When I am with her it feels like we are a couple but without all the kissy/cuddly stuff.

At one stage we got talking about our currently love life. She told me she wasn’t seeing anybody which I had to fight from displaying a smile. But then she asked me if I was seeing anybody. Her eyes dropped to the ground while asking this. It was almost as if she was afraid of what my answer will be. She asked me what kind of girl I go for which a she has asked before. She would rub my shoulder affectionately; stand real close to me etc.

Anyway, I know I will never be with her. Well certainly long term. She is moving to Spain in Sept and will be gone for a year.

On the way home from Galway in the car I got really upset. I felt the way I did last summer. How can I get on so well with somebody and yet we are not together. It really saddens me.

And now….now….I can’t stop thinking about her again.

Paddygarrett

Dude, be cool. Try and achieve a little equanimity about this. Regardless if she does like you in any way, youre not gonna be able to go out with her in your current neurotic state. As far as possible try and rub her out of your mind. How to do this? Short answer: focus on her imperfections while also focusing on the wealth of alternative talent there is out there in this land of milk and honey. It shouldnt be difficult for you to do this 'cos you dont see her often and soon shes moving abroad.

In my experience you never end up going out with someone you develop such an obsession for. Sad i know. Considering she moved away from you last summer, i think the idea that she could still feel something for you (if she ever did in the first place) is a little too romantic. Sorry to sound cruel but i learnt the lesson the hard way myself.

Once you start investing emotion in someone (like you are in her) then youre up s**t creek.

Better off being cool about romance and stuff. Helps you keep control of your emotions/ improves your chances of success.

Mezcita

I'd disagree with the above from Paddygarrett. Its no good focusing on people's imperfections because basically nobody is perfect. When it comes down to it, people who you really get on with and really fancy are very VERY difficult to find. True, she is going away but how bad would it be to see how you got on for the rest of the Summer?

Way I see it is that if you need to tell this girl how you feel. Because basically you have nothing to lose here. True, she could say "lets me mates" and all that ****e but at least then you would know where you stood. This would be naturally enough awful but you would be able to move on from her. To me, I hate having regrets and even if things didn't work out you'll be a better person for it.

This business of desperatly fancying someone and nothing ever happening reeks of Dawsons Creek. And believe me, I don't mean that as an insult to you OP. Fundamentally, you both get on with eachother. She seems to like you because she asked up to Galway. She asked you if you were seeing anyone but appeared nervous while asking you. All plus points in my book.

Seize the day brother. Because it would be a shame not to.

Good luck.

Floppybits

OP, I think in this case you need to bite the bullet and make you feeling known to the girl and then deal with the answer. I know if you get turned down that you will be devastated but at least then you will know where you stand and can move on. I know that its not as easy to do this but I think for your own sake you need to do it.

Why dont you ring the girl and ask her to come visit you or make some excuse about being in Galway and then meet up and explain your feelings?

From my own personnel experience it is better to know where you stand with someone you like, rather than go through life wondering what if.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

I went through the whole should I tell her or shouldn't phase about a year ago before she moved out of Dublin. It never seemed right at the time to say anything. I was afraid of ruining a friendship.

You see nowadays I only see her every few months and not every weekend like before.

I guess if I don't see her the feelings will subside again.

As immature as it may seem, I think if I was to say something to her and she said "eh no", it would ruin our friendship. It would certainly make things awkward.

And even if she was to feel the same and we started seeing each other. It would make her departure this summer even harder to take! She will be gone for a year!

b3t4

Tell her.

If she doesn't feel the same sure it'll be awkward but it'll only be awkward for so long. The awkwardness passes with time.

Forget the fact she's going away. Would you rather look back at this time and say "well i regret not doing that" Do you really want to come back here a year later and say the same thing as you are now about last year?

Also, stop with the forcing yourself not to think about her. It's only causing you to think about her more, vicous circle kind of thing.

A.

edanto

TELL HER SOMETHING!!!

Are you blind man! Why the hell would you not say something!?!!

Floppybits

Overher you will regret not asking the person out. I have been in the same situation where I fancied someone but was good friends with them and I explained my feelings to them but got told they didn't feel the same way. Its hard to take but if you are as good as friends as you say you will get over that bump and move on and you will know where you stand. At the moment you are in a state of limbo and its this that is wrecking your heard. I have also been in the situation further down the road where a girl I fancied told me she fancied me but always thought I wasn't interested and there is nothing more annoying than finding that out when its too late.

LegacyUser

Well you see I was at that stage where it was driving me crazy. It was all in the past. As I said the whole "Tell her" thing was over a year ago.

The madness went away, I didn't think of her for months. So everything was back to normal. I was happy again.

Its just that the weekend I was there with her I felt that I should have been with her.

We often talk about why we can't seem to meet the right person. We are both similar that way. However, she also said that she thinks there is probably no point in meeting anybody as she will be gone in Sept.

vandermeyde

Sounds like there's a pair of ye in it to be honest.....you need to have THE talk.

LegacyUser

'

vandermeyde wrote:

Sounds like there's a pair of ye in it to be honest.....you need to have THE talk.

Yea perhaps. Its really strange though. When we are out together I get the impression she really likes me from the things she says and her body language etc.

But when we are not out its as if she doesn't give me a secound thought. While I was with her last weekend I was telling her all about my crappy job at mo but that I had an interview on the Tuesday. I would have thought she would have texted me to say how did it go. I know I would have! Maybe thats just a bit childish or whatever.

I just can't stop thinking about being with her. I don't mean sexually. Just the whole spending time together and talking. God I sound like a soppy git for a bloke!

Isn't life such a mess. I think life would be less head wrecking without love etc.'

jester77

Just tell her how you feel. What have you got to lose? This way it will bring some form of closure and you can move on. If the feelings are mutual then great and what does it matter if she's moving to Spain. It's only 2 hours away and you could always move over there yourself for a year if things work out. Don't torture yourself, just talk to her, it will be a load off the shoulders!

vandermeyde

jester77 wrote:

Just tell her how you feel. What have you got to lose? This way it will bring some form of closure and you can move on. If the feelings are mutual then great and what does it matter if she's moving to Spain. It's only 2 hours away and you could always move over there yourself for a year if things work out. Don't torture yourself, just talk to her, it will be a load off the shoulders!

quoted for truth....too much internalising going on here OP....take the plunge, have a chat...if she knocks you back, you can move on at least knowing you tried so there'll be no more "what ifs"...if she doesn't knock you back, ch-ching...

It's a crappy line but its true...faint heart never won fair lady.

Caliden

It's only a year she's going for. Before she's leaves don't make the same mistake again and tell her how you feel. If she doesn't feel the same way you can put your mind at rest.
If she does, then stay in contact when she is gone and if anything was meant to happen it will happen.
Don't wait around for this girl when she is gone however as she may have a relationship coming back and that would be heart breaking.

LegacyUser

Thanks people, I really appreciate your responses! Apologies if I sound like a pathetic love struck teenager.

Its almost certain she will meet somebody else while away. She is a very attractive girl but is also a very fun and friendly girl which is a rare quality these days.

I know she gets on better with guys than she does girls so I am hoping that her affection towards me is not merely that she values my friendship. I was there for her through some really tough times recently.

Anyway, she said she maybe in Dub this weekend. She wasn't sure. If she does come to Dub and contacts me then thats a good sign. But if she doesn't then I know that her feelings aren't that strong.

vandermeyde

overher? wrote:

If she does come to Dub and contacts me then thats a good sign. But if she doesn't then I know that her feelings aren't that strong.

you still haven't quite got the concept of "grabbing the bull by the horns"

MicraBoy

Just tell her how you feel man!

It will either kill the (pretty much defunct) friendship, or you'll get together. I can't see how you have anything to lose at this stage. The only other choice is to kill the friendship anyway. The worst thing you can do now is go back to the "will I, won't I" stage. If she says no then walk away for good.

Action!

LegacyUser

'Well I guess if we are out together again for a drink before she heads off I might try and say something along the lines of, "Do you ever thing of us being more than friends" or "do you think you and I would last as a couple" and see what the reaction is. I guess I could say it kinda jokingly.

Not sure if I will see her though.'

ollyk1

I've only read the OP but my 2c are


Make a move!

Life is too short, if you aren't seeing anyone else what's the harm in giving this a go? There is obvious chemistry between you.

Don't let her plans for Spain stand in the way. My appraoch to relationships is to let them develop at their own pace and not to prejudge them. This girl could be a serious life oppourtunity or it could be a lovely summer romance. Either option is good! Sitting at home or your own or getting stuck in a social rut is not.

Take a chance man and good luck!!

P.S. What age are you OP?

LegacyUser

ollyk1 wrote:

Life is too short, if you aren't seeing anyone else what's the harm in giving this a go? There is obvious chemistry between you.

I guess your right. Not that easy!

ollyk1 wrote:

P.S. What age are you OP?

Late 20's. I know what your going to say but I have never been all that confident about approaching and opening up to the ladies.

Mezcita

overher? wrote:

I guess your right. Not that easy!



Late 20's. I know what your going to say but I have never been all that confident about approaching and opening up to the ladies.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 (Deep breadth).

Okay, I'm not going to hurl the laptop out the window now.

Dude, take a look at the responses you have received here. Majority of it is for you to make a play and see what happens.

It literally is as easy as you asking her straight out what she thinks of you. Worse case scenario she tells you that she just wants to be mates. End of the world? No. You'll feel sad but will get over it. Alternative: You do nothing, she ends up going out with a coc.k and you end up asking yourself why you never made a play.

This has nothing to do with confidence with the ladies. You obviously get on with the girl given that you are able to meet her for pints. And that really is about 70% of the battle. Its not as if you are randomly walking up to her, having never met the lass and then just asking her out.

Read the advice given here. Then again. Then one more time.

Then make the move.

I said it before and I'll say it again: Seize the day.

LegacyUser

Mezcita wrote:

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 (Deep breadth).

Okay, I'm not going to hurl the laptop out the window now.

Dude, take a look at the responses you have received here. Majority of it is for you to make a play and see what happens.

It literally is as easy as you asking her straight out what she thinks of you. Worse case scenario she tells you that she just wants to be mates. End of the world? No. You'll feel sad but will get over it. Alternative: You do nothing, she ends up going out with a coc.k and you end up asking yourself why you never made a play.

This has nothing to do with confidence with the ladies. You obviously get on with the girl given that you are able to meet her for pints. And that really is about 70% of the battle. Its not as if you are randomly walking up to her, having never met the lass and then just asking her out.

Read the advice given here. Then again. Then one more time.

Then make the move.

I said it before and I'll say it again: Seize the day.

I hear you. Its just that this is what was being said to me and what I wanted to do a year ago. But things changed, time passed, we fell out, hardly saw each other for a year and hardly spoke. I assumed I had moved on. I was no longer thinking of her daily and I was thinking about other women. I don't know whether its right to say anything now or not.

But last weekend just .....I dunno! I'm an idiot!

Marksie

For the gods sakes OP: Grow up and grow a pair.

I have read all this thread and all i have seen is excuses and reasoning why you cannot do it, not an outlook why you should.

This is tending on masochistic behaviour by now.

Oh woe is me, unrequieted love, *sigh*

A dumb priest never got a parish.

Either do something or move on.

If she says no, fine, she will be gone for a year.

Dammit OP: you have prevaricated and moped around til its almost too late. You seem to like the idea of crying abut what could have been rather than the reality of going for it.

Your living in your own head, for everyones sake (including ours..for whome throwing laptops in frustration at the bloody obvious is going to be an olympic sport) get of your backside and start living life.

LegacyUser

hehe, ok your right!

I should employ you as my life coach!

Marksie

overher? wrote:

hehe, ok your right!

I should employ you as my life coach!

Right is amatter of perspective OP.

Hah, i haven't started the lifecoaching course yet, how did you know though lol!


OK: in seriousness. OP. Thinking and action are two totally different things in situations like this.

It is time now to ACT.

If you dont do this you will be continually stuck in an endlessy revolving tape.
If you fail here, so be it. You will have done something and know for sure.
If you fail here, learn by it. Use it to overcome what you claim as insecurity with women... whihc i deem is more insecurity about yourself.

That is what life is about...learning by ones mistakes. But first you have to live and make em.

NO_ONE come out of the womb fully aware of what to do. We all have to learn.

The person who has never loved deeply, has never taken chances and never been hurt but come back again to try again. That person is not living.

Those who have OP, those despite everything are there with it, connected and aware of potentials.... those are the people who will eventually look back on their lives and say. F*ck me, what a rollercoaster ride.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

Right is amatter of perspective OP.

Hah, i haven't started the lifecoaching course yet, how did you know though lol!


OK: in seriousness. OP. Thinking and action are two totally different things in situations like this.

It is time now to ACT.

If you dont do this you will be continually stuck in an endlessy revolving tape.
If you fail here, so be it. You will have done something and know for sure.
If you fail here, learn by it. Use it to overcome what you claim as insecurity with women... whihc i deem is more insecurity about yourself.

That is what life is about...learning by ones mistakes. But first you have to live and make em.

NO_ONE come out of the womb fully aware of what to do. We all have to learn.

The person who has never loved deeply, has never taken chances and never been hurt but come back again to try again. That person is not living.

Those who have OP, those despite everything are there with it, connected and aware of potentials.... those are the people who will eventually look back on their lives and say. F*ck me, what a rollercoaster ride.

Thanks for them wise words. I know it makes sense! I just hope I get the opportunity to be out with her again before she leaves. She has suggested coming back to Galway again before she heads off but that will be with a bunch of people. I will have to get her alone over a few drinks.

I guess it would be a huge weight off my shoulders even if the reponse is negative.

Marksie

overher? wrote:

I just hope I get the opportunity to be out with her again before she leaves. .

Make the opportunity, NOW. Call her and say that you want to see her. Dont let it be as part of a larger group.

Call her and tell her you would like to see her alone, just the two of you.

Don't let it drift, take control

LegacyUser

Well, I txted her to see if she is in Dub for weekend. I think she is going to a friends graduation tonight if she is so that would be a no no.

I may be able to meet her for coffee tommorrow before she heads back but things kinda things are best said over drinks!

Floppybits

overher? wrote:

Well, I txted her to see if she is in Dub for weekend. I think she is going to a friends graduation tonight if she is so that would be a no no.

I may be able to meet her for coffee tommorrow before she heads back but things kinda things are best said over drinks!

As long as it is coffee you are drinking and not alcohol. Nothing worse than getting drunk saying all these things and then the next day you are both wondering if it was just the drink talking. Coffee is good, somewhere nice and quiet and then tell her how you feel?

LegacyUser

OP if her first inital is E then Im pretty certain I know who you are talking about. If it isnt then ignore my post below, i didnt know know to pm unregistered so im sorry for posting this here.

Everything in your posts matches up to who Im thinking of except that I havent heard that shes going back to spain.

Ordinarily I would tell someone to go for it if they were in your position but if we know the same person then I have talked briefly about you with her before and she felt you were both better off as friends and her main concern was hurting your feelings as shes very very fond of you.

Id be afraid that if you tell her it will make things so awkward that you guys couldnt be friends anymore. Then again your feelings seem to be so strong that it could mean that you cant be friends with her for your own sanity if shes not interested romantically.

Please, if we are talking about the same person, talk to her best mate before you do anything to get a feel fo rhow things stand. The girl im thinking of has enough on her plate at the moment without any further complications in her life.

Im really sorry again for posting this here and if im way off the mark and we dont know the same person then pleeeeeeeeeeeeze ignore my post!

Best of luck whatever you decide hope you get the response youre hoping for.

LegacyUser

Floppybits wrote:

As long as it is coffee you are drinking and not alcohol. Nothing worse than getting drunk saying all these things and then the next day you are both wondering if it was just the drink talking. Coffee is good, somewhere nice and quiet and then tell her how you feel?

Well I was thinking more for dutch courage. Neither of us are big drinkers! It would be nice alright but I really think this is all wishful thinking!

syberspud

Yes, leave alcohol out of the equation. But my God, I can't believe you didn't broach this (admittedly difficult when yer in the friends zone) topic when ye were talkin about each others loves lives and it becme apparent ye were both single!!!! Like every other poster' advice in here; Carpe Diem my friend, Carpe Diem. You literally have nothing to lose and a world of happiness to gain. As Emily Dickenson said: "That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet."

LegacyUser

uhoh wrote:

OP if her first inital is E then Im pretty certain I know who you are talking about. If it isnt then ignore my post below, i didnt know know to pm unregistered so im sorry for posting this here.

Everything in your posts matches up to who Im thinking of except that I havent heard that shes going back to spain.

Ordinarily I would tell someone to go for it if they were in your position but if we know the same person then I have talked briefly about you with her before and she felt you were both better off as friends and her main concern was hurting your feelings as shes very very fond of you.

Id be afraid that if you tell her it will make things so awkward that you guys couldnt be friends anymore. Then again your feelings seem to be so strong that it could mean that you cant be friends with her for your own sanity if shes not interested romantically.

Please, if we are talking about the same person, talk to her best mate before you do anything to get a feel fo rhow things stand. The girl im thinking of has enough on her plate at the moment without any further complications in her life.

Im really sorry again for posting this here and if im way off the mark and we dont know the same person then pleeeeeeeeeeeeze ignore my post!

Best of luck whatever you decide hope you get the response youre hoping for.

Ok, this sounds interesting! Erm, can't pm you though!

LegacyUser

she had serious troubles last christmas and you posted about it in PI around that time. If this is you then speak to her mate N before you go telling her, maybe the girl im thinking of has changed her mind - I spoke to her about you almost 2 yrs ago so it is possible - but like I say she has enough on her plate and if we are talking about the same girl shes the type to worry about hurting you and will stress over it on top of everything else and I just dont think she needs that at present.

Just get advice from her friend first as she might have a better idea of whether youre on a winner or not.

Good luck!!

SmoothCriminal

uhoh wrote:

she had serious troubles last christmas and you posted about it in PI around that time. If this is you then speak to her mate N before you go telling her, maybe the girl im thinking of has changed her mind - I spoke to her about you almost 2 yrs ago so it is possible - but like I say she has enough on her plate and if we are talking about the same girl shes the type to worry about hurting you and will stress over it on top of everything else and I just dont think she needs that at present.

Just get advice from her friend first as she might have a better idea of whether youre on a winner or not.

Good luck!!

Ok, I created this account. You can PM me now if thats ok? I would like to talk to you.

LegacyUser

Ok folks, I have had time to think about this. I am not going to go through with it. If I had the time and space to share the entire story here, I think some of you would agree.

There are a few reasons why I never told this girl before how I felt. Basically, I knew she needed a friend more so than anything else. However, while talking to a friend today I was reminded of the reasons we fell out and what led up to it. He thinks I would be crazy to talk to her. If this girl was interested none of it would have happened. Long story.

Anyway, thanks for your help! No doubt I will feel sorry for myself again someday and it may all get blurted out over a few drinks.

SmoothCriminal

Ok, It has become quite clear over recent days that somebody in this post has been revealing personal and private information about me or about my friends over several months to various people.

I have posted personal stuff anonymously before here and obviously this person has been keeping track and identifying me and discussing with certain people what I have been saying.

Can I ask you to please stop spreading this information about and keep your gossiping little mouth to yourself.

Moderator, please lock!