Choosing between two good guys

Gemini Sister

Hi everyone.

I have a problem. I’m not a bad person and I didn’t want it to happen like this but this is how its unfolded. Its a long story.
Two men. X and Y.

X is late 30’s, foreign, goodlooking, tall, tanned, fit, sweet and funny, hard worker.
Y is late 30’s, foreign, tall, tanned, very fit and sorted, hard worker and very skilled.

I’m 33 yrs old. I met X nearly ten yrs ago. We lived together and loved each other very much for about five years. We were both clingy and insecure at that age. We had a very painful break up because I was desperate to settle down and he thought the grass was greener elsewhere. He moved back to his own abroad... then decided he’d made a mistake but by then I’d regained my self-esteem and moved on.

In the years that followed I fell in love again, had my heartbroken again, lived a lot and learned a lot. I saw X on the odd holiday but no serious plans on my part to get back together. The single years were tough and lonely. I had a series of dead end rels etc. Someone else broke up with me before last year and to get through it I went to south america for a break.... Where I met Y. Who was also travelling alone – and lives in Ireland!
We had a short fling which ended in a tiff followed by a misunderstanding. I returned to Ireland. Anyway, in the dark and gloom of January, it seemed to me that none of my relationships had really amounted to anything since X. So I phoned up X and said I was prepared to give it a real go if he moved back to Ireland. He was up for it but needed a few mnths to wind things up.

In the months that followed I was a bit freaked out about X coming but I stayed off men and regained my joy in life and confidence in the future – as I think I would’ve done whether X was coming or not. Then a month before X arrived, Y phoned out of the blue – would I meet him? I went along but planned to tell him I was committed to X. Instead I fell for him, and he fell for me again too. We went out a few times, I told him nothing about X. Then X arrived. I emailed Y to tell him I’d issues and needed time to sort them out but would get back in touch in about 6 wks.
I wanted to give it my best shot with X but couldn’t stop thinking about Y. Then I decided I would break up with X and get back with Y. But as I’ve gotten to know X again I’ve found out he’s grown into a lovely, caring man who’s mastered his demons and now just wants to settle down – all I wanted at the start of this mad journey. But although we have friendship, love and trust, the mystery and lust is no longer there for me. After the six weeks break I saw Y again, hoping that seeing him again would resolve things for me one way or another. It hasn’t. Cause I feel the mystery and lust with Y. He also appears to be grounded and looking for serious relationship. I’ve told him about X. He was very cool and understanding, and said to let time resolve it, but he’s here for me.
I don’t know if I can let X go. I love him very much. But I am not excited about spending my life with him.
They’re both good guys (as far as I know). Y is not a better guy than X. But I daydream about life with Y all the time. He’s told me straight that he’s falling in love and talked about bringing me to his country to meet his family etc./ discussed a future. But is the devil you know better than the devil you don’t? I think (but don’t know) all this is possible with Y but the idea of disappointing X tears me to pieces.

Please understand although I let parts of this happen, the last thing I want in the world is to hurt anyone. I spent enough time in the single wilderness to know I’m a very lucky girl to have these lovely guys. I can’t handle being dishonest. Time is passing for me, I want to settle down. These are big and important decisions I’m making now but I feel lost and afraid. Please help.

G&T

X, you know everything there is to know about this guy,this is something that will also happen eventually with Y.

The truth is the longer you know someone and the more emotionally involved
ye are make's up for the fact that sometimes things are predictable.
It will happen no matter which guy you choose.

Marriage is a very serious thing and often a very rocky road,you only have to look at other threads to see that all relationships have their ups and downs.
Communication and common goals(kids,ect)are more important in the long run than mystery and lust.

Good luck.

Dr Pepper

^^ Good advice. I agree that a tried and tested relationship that has lasted 10 years (despite gap) is worth more than a gamble with someone you've seen for a few weeks/months here and there. You know you can make it work with X, you don't know that about Y...

At the end of the day, tis up to you of course and my advice might be quite different if I knew you and the two gentlemen in question, This is the internet after all!

Good luck

PS - Good story-telling by the way! It's so refreshing to see a good coherent post of this sort! I especially like this line: "We had a short fling which ended in a tiff followed by a misunderstanding".. Love it

Nevyn

You should choose Z.

If you can't choose between either of them then neither of them is right.

dudara

If you can't choose, then the answer is neither.

DublinWriter

To be bluntly honest, I think that you'd need to sort out "U" before even considering between "X" or "Y".

Zulu

...my feeling? You don't choose who you love, and youdon't love either of them, you're just getting desparate.

willy wonka

In your 30s there is this huge pressure to settle down.
People often 'settle' for unsuitable, '2nd bests'. I once went out with a guy that I loved but was not in love with and my eye would wander. I cared about him, thought he was lovely and because he was very much in love with me I didnt want to let him go. It made me feel good that this person wanted me to feel good. But I knew it wouldnt work in the long term, so I broke up with him. He was so upset that I felt awful - how could I hurt someone that loved me so much. I was devastated to cause him so much hurt that I got back with him. But eventually down the line I knew it wouldnt work - it was unfair to lead him on when he could do much better than me. He could be with someone who felt excited about spending the rest of their life with him.

I think you love X but as a friend you've had a history with. But that's all it is - friendship. Their is nothing in the relationship that says husband, partner, companion. It doesnt have the special ingredient that differentiates it from a friendship. It would be unfair to make a commitment to a man you could not have this relationship with. Eventually you would look elsewhere and think how devastated he would feel then.

Gemini Sister wrote:

I wanted to give it my best shot with X but couldn’t stop thinking about Y.

But I daydream about life with Y all the time.

Cause I feel the mystery and lust with Y. He also appears to be grounded and looking for serious relationship. I’ve told him about X. He was very cool and understanding, and said to let time resolve it, but he’s here for me.

It is taking a risk with Y, but your heart is telling you to go in this direction. If it works out or not, it is a gamble but love is just that. There are no certainties.

LundiMardi

Jesus christ....

X has just packed up his whole life for you, and you do this.

Leave both, as both seem to be better off without you. Don't act in desperation, because no matter what choice you make, it will be the wrong one.

Wibbs

DublinWriter wrote:

To be bluntly honest, I think that you'd need to sort out "U" before even considering between "X" or "Y".

QFT.

wrote:

Jesus christ....

X has just packed up his whole life for you, and you do this.

I was thinking the same thing. He deserves far better than your confusion TBH.

Gemini Sister

Thanks guys for all your answers, you are a good bunch of people.

Unfortunately, at this moment in time, your mixed ideas mirror whats going through my head - X, Y nobody! Desperation! X, Y... Feelin quite schizo.

X has given up his life - he's now asking to move in with me (he was living elsewhere as temporary measure). I've asked that he give me a month more to make a commitment, which is huge pressure but I owe it to all concerned to resolve this situation. No matter which way I look there are no easy answers.

Thanks again.

vandermeyde

Gemini Sister wrote:

Thanks guys for all your answers, you are a good bunch of people.

Unfortunately, at this moment in time, your mixed ideas mirror whats going through my head - X, Y nobody! Desperation! X, Y... Feelin quite schizo.

X has given up his life - he's now asking to move in with me (he was living elsewhere as temporary measure). I've asked that he give me a month more to make a commitment, which is huge pressure but I owe it to all concerned to resolve this situation. No matter which way I look there are no easy answers.

Thanks again.

so you rang up X, told him you were prepared to give it a go...he spends a few months sorting things out in his home country...moves over here, organises somewhere more permanent and then you turn around and tell him you need a month?

sorry, but thats hugely selfish...

Sleepy

Have to say I'm feeling it hard to feel sorry for you OP, you've totally ruined X's life. You've dragged the guy away from his home, led him up the garden path and cheated on him. From your description of him, I'm guessing he deserves better.

I'd echo what zulu, thaed and DublinWriter are saying. Choose neither and get your own head fully sorted out before embarking on any other relationships.

muppetkiller

Agree with the previous two posters I can't believe how selfish this is.
The minute he hoped off the plane if you loved him you wouldn't be posting this thread. Take option Z and break X's heart now , not 5 years down the line when he's past his sell by date.

Dancor

Just have a spit roast with them...................

on a serious note, choose x, From what I read he is the love of your life and Y is just a test of your love for each other, It all comes down to faith.

azezil

My gawd!

On a whim you called X to come over and be with you, he gives up his life to do so, then Y makes a booty call and you jump for him!

You've dated X for 5 years, you know what he's like, Y you met on holiday had a fling which ended over a trivial argument!

X is clearly far more in love with you than you in him, he sounds like a great guy who's willing to go to extraordinary lengths to be with you, and now you're jerking him about because you're lusting after another guy!

At 33 one'd think you'd know better, what happens when the mystery fades with Y, are your eyes going to start wandering again?

Frankly it appears to me you're not that interested in X, if you were Y wouldn't even be a consideration and Y just sounds like lust.

Mitzy

I really can't believe this post. How utterly selfish of you. It is a huge thing for someone to move country to be with someone else. While he was sorting things out at home to move here to make a serious committment to you, you rewarded this by playing the field!!! You should have told him before he came over here that you had changed your mind and not mess him around.
You should do the decent thing at this stage & be totally honest with both of them. Sort your own head out first before you mess with someone elses!

Beruthiel

dancor
you won't last long in this forum if you keep making comments like that.

Az wrote:

Frankly it appears to me you're not that interested in X, if you were Y wouldn't even be a consideration and Y just sounds like lust.

QFT
Seriously, when you love someone, you're not confused, you know.
X has bent over backwards for you and all you can do is fob him off, that's not the behaviour of someone who's madly in love. You're messing with his head big time and don't seem to even get that judging from your posts.

Y you only know five minutes and still have your rose tinted glasses on as we all do in the beginning of any relationship, you have no idea how things will turn out with him.

Seems to me like you need to get your own act together before involving anyone else in the equation.

Wibbs

I'd echo the others. You are being incredibly selfish and cruel. Incredibly. It beggars belief frankly. You are torn over what you want. You're hardly considering the consequences of what you're putting x through. This guy moves mountains to be with you, yet one itch in your pants with Y and you're all "confused". At your age, no, forget that, at any age you should know better. People like you honestly anger me. You need to cop on, grow the fúck up and make one of those things called a bloody decision.

I disagree with Beruthiel in one little way. I've known people who do love someone be confused for a time. Especially in long term relationships that may hit a rocky patch. Someone new comes in and it can turn their head for a time. Guess what though? they make a decision based on what's best for the other person that they love and what's best for the relationship, even before themselves. FYI Love is not all those obvious gooey feelings, love is when you truly want the best for another person, even if that best may remove you from their lives.

TBH You need to let X go home and find a woman worthy of him. From your telling of this you're not. Not even close. Anyone prepared to drop everything for you is worth far more than you appear to be capable of offering. If you don't let this X guy go I wouldn't be at all surprised if you get all "confused" again and ruin this guys life further down the line.

This will bite you in the end if you don't sort this out. Karma's a bitch.

imeatingchips

I know you say you'd no intention of doing this and things just "unfolded" that way but by your various omissions, 'going with the flow', just this meeting, just another meeting, etc, you're plain old ripping him off.

You didn't "let parts of this happen" you let it all happen. You were the one committed to X so it is you that is supposed to say no - not the rest of the world that is supposed to say no to you.

The real reason(s) 'forcing' you to make this decision seems to be that you have the pressure of either/and/or :
a) your biological clock is ticking
b) you've been alone long enough
c) you think you may be getting past "your sell by date"

I know you're trying to do the right thing now so do X a favour and finish it. You don't look forward to a life with him and you won't even accept responsibility for ripping him off. Would yopu want to stay with him if you knew that's what he was thinking about you? Do you think there's a possibilty that any other foreign, goodlooking, tall, tanned, fit, hard worker that looks you way is likely make you wonder (hop into bed)?

Gemini Sister

Hold yer horses there folks!

I appreciate the advice but please understand I'm trying to do the right things. If I was acting flippantly, or making decisions on a whim I wouldn't be posting on this forum. I realise people's lives are involved and I'm trying to do the right thing.
I've been bashed around a bit over the years, including by X (even though I know that's in the past with him and me) and one of the side effects is that I have alot of trouble trusting my own feelings. My feelings have run me up and down the garden path and frankly, nearly killed me a few years back. I'm not the decisive young wan I used to be, but I still have big decisions to make. Five yrs ago I was madly in love with X. He was the one who walked away from me.

Maybe what I really wanna know is:
Can you fall in love with the same person more than once?
Can a relationship go the distance without the huge kick start that comes with being in love?

Maybe those of you who say cut X loose are right. You're all correct, I've fooked up. But I told X we would have a trial period over here. I believed that we'd either fall in love again or be repulsed by each other. In turns out we've actually fallen into a big grey area, where we're nearly there but not nearly there enough. We also don't have the opportunity for our lives to merge over time the way you when you meet someone new. What we do have is alot of love and history to walk away from. If I didn't love and respect the guy it would be easy. I don't want to have all the power in this situation, it doesn't suit my personality. I don't want to ruin a great guy when I know how few of them there are around.

And then there's the wild card that is Y. Yes, I shouldn't have seen again when I knew X was coming. I'm not seeing him now, I'm trying to make it work with X. Maybe this is all really more about me and X than anything to do with Y. I'm already sitting on a pile of my own mistakes. I don't want to make more mistakes. Thats why I'm here.

I know this situation can't and won't continue I just want to make sure that when I jump I choose the right side of the fence (for all concerned).

Thankyou for listening.