Can I ever make this marriage work?

plasticpaddy

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I have put (or even replied) a post onto this site, but reading others Im amazed at (mostly) all the sensible, thoughtful and intelligent posters this site seems to attract.

I'm 34 and have been married for 10 years, no kids. But its like everything changed the moment the ring went on the finger.

It seems everything I do annoys her. But she wont tell me. Things can be fine one minute, then the next cupboards are being banged, she 'stomps' around 'tantrum' style, but wont tell me whats wrong when I ask. Replies usually include 'nothing' or 'im tired'. When I do find out (which is rare and sadly when I just cant help getting angry about it) it can be something as simple as a cup I left on a table, an out of date item in the fridge, etc. To top my confusion, she often says that she doesnt talk to me about these things because she 'knows she is being unreasonable'. I feel so pushed down, I used to be quite a confident and successful bloke, now Im shy and scared of almost everything.

I think Im a good husband - I do all the cooking (she hates cooking, fair enough, I actually quite like it), the dishes, general cleaning and vacuuming and stuff. She cleans the jacks once a week and does the laundry, so I kinda thought we had a fair and equal thing going as far as domestics go.
My one vice is Cards, I play with a small group of blokes once a fortnight, I always get home when I say I will. I did used to have a big group of friends whom I loved dearly, but my wife hated this & thought I was having affairs - understandable I spose, but I never did. I just tend to prefer the company of women, Im one of those guys who hates footy and all that macho sh*t & prefer an intelligent conversation which doesnt involve gallons of lager & leering at 'de booords'.

And then theres the biggie. We dont have a sex life, and thats totally down to me. Im terrified of it. I was always quite shy in that department anyway, but I get so flippin scared Im going to do something wrong, or cock up (excuse the pun) somehow, I just cant do it. How can I have a sexual relationship with someone who really doesnt seem to like me very much?

And to top it all, she says she wants children. Basically said one night if I dont give them to her she will have to find someone who will. I'd love to have kids, but how can I bring children into this? I came from an abusive childhood, my parents were always fighting with each other and us (I have a brother), I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

I'd particularly like to hear the views of other women - am I doing something wrong? Is there something I'm missing here? I know the simply wonderful girl I married is still in there somewhere, how can I get her back?

Sorry for the essay ;-)

louisecm

It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong - it seems like she has something thats really really bothering her that she's scared to open up about. Have you considered counselling?

LegacyUser

My friend i am in the same boat as you, though i am not married and will not be getting married unless things change drastically. Its gonna require a lot of effort, perhaps counselling?

BoozyBabe

Maybe I'm not even close to being right, but long before I got to the end of your post (actually withing the 1st couple of lines) I thought : the woman feels trapped, she wants kids & she's resenting you for something.

Think my initial thoughts were right.

You're married 10 years. Prob most of your friends are married & have kids at this stage.
Your wife wants kids, but if ye can't have sex, how'll she ever have a family.
She blames you for this (as do you), so as time has went on, she's gotten more & more resentful for the fact that she prob loves you, married you, basically is stuck in this situation where she can't have what she wants.

I can't believe you've been married 10 years (don't know how long you've dated before this) & you can't have sex. She is your wife. You're supposed to be able to share everything. Including issues you may have with sex. She's there to guide you, encourage you, etc, or at least she should be.

I really think ye need marriage / sex counselling.

I really think the woman is just highly frustrated, even leaving children out of it, to share a bed with someone every night that you're supposed to love dearly & never share something as intimate & magical as sex would have to put a big strain on any relationship.

Why are you so afraid?

You sound like a really nice bloke. Just because your parents didn't get on & you may not have had the happiest of childhoods doesn't mean that your potential children would have the same upbringing.

The issue your wife had with your friends sounds a bit strange, but again this was probably earlier in your marriage.
You weren't getting sex from her, you kept making excuses, you were friends with other women, it's probably logical enough for her to think you must've been getting it from somewhere else.

All in all, & not meaning to be harsh on you, your wife seems like a very patient woman to have allowed this situation to go on so long.

If you love her & you really want this to work, you have to seek help to overcome your fears.
It's obvious you can't overcome them yourself, & you're wife's prob so tired of it all at this stage that she can't be as supposrtive as she needs to be.

Best of luck

Deediddums

I'm going to have to agree with Lousie here, it does sound like there may be some underlying issue that needs to be addressed, you won't know until you do whether that issue is big or small.

In fairness to her you say she knows at time she is being unreasonable. That's always a frustrating situation and often hormone related in that you know what you are thinking is irrational but you can't help that you feel it. At least she seems to try to keep herself in line.

My heart goes out to you, you sound like a lovely man and one who truly wants to make this marriage with someone you clearly love work. Have you explained to your wife your reticence regarding having a child, perhaps her frustration with what she may perceive as you lack of committment to the issue is fuelling some of her behaviour. You say it changed when the ring went on? Did she expect to try for children back then? I think you may need to address this particular issue with her, who knows a bit of communication might be all you both need.

LundiMardi

Am i right in assuming you are a virgin? Or that you guys have never had sex? If that's the case man then first of all, i'd be very surprised if she hasn't already looked somewhere else. Secondly, she has 10 years of sexual frustration to deal with.... Have you ever sought help for this phobia?

ashton

Hmmmmm:cool:

Well it sounds like there's a pair of you in it!!

I'm 34 and have been married for 10 years, no kids. But its like everything changed the moment the ring went on the finger.

Things changed the moment the ring went on the finger and you've put up with it for 10 years????????????

From a female perspective let me tell you she sounds extremely frustrated, probably sexually and emotionally. You do sound like a good husband, you pull your weight and do a lot around the house but a sexual relationship is a HUGE part of any couples life together. No wonder she thought you were having affairs, she's probably thinking "well if he's not having sex with me he must be having it with someone else". I would appluad HER for not going and looking for sex elsewhere because I certainly wouldn't be able to put up with a sexless marriage for 10 years.

I think you need to get that part of it sorted and I don't mean alone, it sounds like you need some sort of couple's sex counselling and to get your romantic life back on track. I think that once you get that sorted

Oh, by the way, the fact that she's telling you she's wants kids is, I would imagine, a good sign because it means she still wants to be with YOU and for YOU to be the father of those kids.

ntlbell

Hi, my partner would absoloutley _love_ a man with your domestic abilities

I have noticed that women in general (sweeping gernalisation) get fairly annoyed with the small things like, leaving a cup laying around or boxers on the bedroom floor, not closing a drawer etc, but your wife's reaction does seem a little over the top.

How do you get on in general? do you have a good social life _together_? does she work? hows your all round communication? do you make time to have 'fun' together? does she have any hobbies she does on her own?
did you live together before you got married?

Does she know how you feel about sex have you talked about your feelings towards sex with her? is she sexually frustrated?

does she dominate the relationship? when she's saying give her kids or she'll find someone who will sounds like a bit of a bully.

I think as suggested going to see a relationship counsellor might be an idea sounds like you both might have some underliying issues that need to be looked at

Beruthiel

plasticpaddy wrote:

It seems everything I do annoys her. But she wont tell me. Things can be fine one minute, then the next cupboards are being banged, she 'stomps' around 'tantrum' style, but wont tell me whats wrong when I ask. Replies usually include 'nothing' or 'im tired'. When I do find out (which is rare and sadly when I just cant help getting angry about it) it can be something as simple as a cup I left on a table, an out of date item in the fridge

Of course, you understand it has absolutely nothing to do with the cup or the item in the fridge, she's very frustrated and this is how it's coming out with her. I'm 100% sure of that.

she often says that she doesnt talk to me about these things because she 'knows she is being unreasonable'.

Complaining about a cup is unreasonable, it's like she cannot actually put her finger on what's really bothering her.

I think Im a good husband - I do all the cooking (she hates cooking, fair enough, I actually quite like it), the dishes, general cleaning and vacuuming and stuff.

That's excellent.

I did used to have a big group of friends whom I loved dearly, but my wife hated this & thought I was having affairs - understandable I spose, but I never did. I just tend to prefer the company of women, Im one of those guys who hates footy and all that macho sh*t & prefer an intelligent conversation which doesnt involve gallons of lager & leering at 'de booords'.

Please tell me you are keeping in touch with your friends and didn't let them go because of her?

We dont have a sex life, and thats totally down to me. Im terrified of it. I was always quite shy in that department anyway, but I get so flippin scared Im going to do something wrong, or cock up (excuse the pun) somehow, I just cant do it. How can I have a sexual relationship with someone who really doesnt seem to like me very much?

Catch 22.
She probably is coming across as not liking you very much because she's getting no sex.
Getting no sex = he must not find me attractive any more.
I presume that she is also in her 30's?
Women in their 30's turn into nymphos, it's the peak of their sexual life, she's more frustrated now than she could ever be in her 20's. This is a big problem for you both and you do not seem to be discussing it.
As for cocking it up, practice makes perfect and perhaps as others have suggested, it's time to see a professional and get to the bottom of why exactly you are so scared about this.

I'd love to have kids, but how can I bring children into this?

You can't, you have to fix it first.

I came from an abusive childhood, my parents were always fighting with each other and us (I have a brother), I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Which means you will go out of your way to make sure it doesn't happen and could be a great father.

I'd particularly like to hear the views of other women - am I doing something wrong? Is there something I'm missing here? I know the simply wonderful girl I married is still in there somewhere, how can I get her back?

Oh she's in there alright and you can get her back, with lots and lots of effort.
If you really want to give this a shot, it's time to sit her down and spill your guts.
Tell her you are nervous, tell her you need practice to get better and that's why she hasn't been getting any. Tell her everything.
Then romance her, bring her out for romantic meals, little get aways, pretend ye just met and start from scratch, go the whole nine yards.
And don't just do this for a couple of weeks and let it slide, keep it up and surprise her every so often. It's hard work but at the same time very enjoyable work.

Best of luck!

louisecm

Just re-read the original post - I misread the sex section. The fact that you have some sexual problems is hugely significant. As has been said before - you not wanting sex = you not wanting her. (in her eyes). Sounds like you need some psychosexual therapy and then the two of you need some counselling together.

metrovelvet

Sounds like she has a bad case of the "is this it?"s Is this all there is?

All our tiny little hunter brains can manage is to know we havent fully captured someone, and well it sounds like you've been captured.

I could see myself getting like your wife with you. I'd explain it but then I'd get excoriated here!!


But its like everything changed the moment the ring went on the finger.

plasticpaddy

Wow - thanks for all the replies everyone.

Its not like we've never had sex btw, just not much of it. Youve opened my eyes as to how much of a big issue this is (ie sex), I never realised.

Why am I scared? To be honest I dont know. I'm far from 'hunky man' (more 'lanky beanpole') but I dont think im ugly or anything, Im cool with the way I look. My wife is very attractive, its not like I've gone off her or anything. Yes the tantrums upset me but I still love her very much, she never means to hurt me, I know that. I guess I wouldnt be here if I thought she did. This will sound odd to many I know, but I cant get it out of my head that it is a violent, intrusive act. I cant understand why any woman would actually want a bloke to do that to them with any regularity. I guess I (stupidly) thought I was being a sensitive fella on that front.

Thinking about it Ive never made a sexual advance to anyone, its always been the other way round. Mindset = 'if your asking for it then I guess its ok'

So its really down to the fact she's not getting any? Well, that would explain why me turning into Martha bleedin Stewart hasnt made any difference.

In answer to Beruthial (Thanks to all but particularly u for your words) yes, I did let the friends go. It seemed the right thing to do. My mates=making my wife unhappy therefore remove my mates=happier wife.
I have particularly taken your words very seriously. I have NEVER talked about sex, but will give it a go. You are bang on.

I agree with all of you on the councelling front, I think, particularly as it seems my feelings about sex are, perhaps, unusual. God even thinking about it now is making me anxious. Here was me thinking women couldnt give two hoots about it ("dont come near me with that thing" :-)

And the one thing I do miss is a best mate. I always had one, in fact tear now coming to eye remembering my last best mate. Dont know how to change that for the mo but thats a mission for another day.

Thankyou one and all, and if anyone knows where I can locate a sensitive councellor, please let me know.

Beruthiel

plasticpaddy wrote:

This will sound odd to many I know, but I cant get it out of my head that it is a violent, intrusive act.

Sorry, but that outlook is very twisted and you need to sort that out.
It it none of those things, it's the most intimate way of showing someone how much you care about them and it's great!

I cant understand why any woman would actually want a bloke to do that to them with any regularity. I guess I (stupidly) thought I was being a sensitive fella on that front.

Madness.

So its really down to the fact she's not getting any?

Hell, we don't know your missus, we can only go on what you've told us, but if I was getting none from my bloke, serious questions would be asked!

Well, that would explain why me turning into Martha bleedin Stewart hasnt made any difference.

No difference at all, but don't stop doing that anyways!

I have NEVER talked about sex

A shocking state of affairs to be in after 10 years of marriage.
The lack of any kind of communication in your relationship is the reason it's in the state it is. In order for two people to continue in any kind of long term relationship there must always be total communication.

And the one thing I do miss is a best mate.

You should never let your friends go for anyone, you're mrs needs to give you space for them.
When you have sorted things with her, call and see if they are still willing to see you after all this time, I'm betting there will be no problem.

Thankyou one and all, and if anyone knows where I can locate a sensitive councellor, please let me know.

Perhaps your GP can point you in the right direction.

Wibbs

Warning. Some of this post will contain the views of a largely unreconstructed male. Read with caution.

plasticpaddy wrote:

I'm 34 and have been married for 10 years, no kids. But its like everything changed the moment the ring went on the finger.

Often happens, for different reasons. All too many ignore the warning signs and just look forward to the excitement of the wedding day rather than the marriage. More common with women I've found.

It seems everything I do annoys her.

I'll come back to the why of that one.

But she wont tell me.

Ah yes, the if you loved me you would know, or why aren't you psychic crap.

Things can be fine one minute, then the next cupboards are being banged, she 'stomps' around 'tantrum' style, but wont tell me whats wrong when I ask.

Then you may not be asking her the right way. It can be a bloody minefield though.

When I do find out (which is rare and sadly when I just cant help getting angry about it)

Not a popular idea, but anger if focused into being clear and precise about what you want often gets good results. This does not mean aggression either.

it can be something as simple as a cup I left on a table, an out of date item in the fridge, etc.

Nope as others ave said it's sweet fanny adams to do with any of that.

To top my confusion, she often says that she doesnt talk to me about these things because she 'knows she is being unreasonable'.

Ignore that statement frankly. If she was that "unreasonable" she would need help.

I feel so pushed down, I used to be quite a confident and successful bloke, now Im shy and scared of almost everything.

Fix that and fix it fast. The more you go down this road the more she will lose respect for you as a man. A lot of us can go through that feeling down phase, but you really need to get help to fix it if you can't do it on your own. You will look weak. Not an attractive quality in a man especially if continued longterm.

I think Im a good husband - I do all the cooking (she hates cooking, fair enough, I actually quite like it), the dishes, general cleaning and vacuuming and stuff. She cleans the jacks once a week and does the laundry, so I kinda thought we had a fair and equal thing going as far as domestics go.

Sharing domestic duties is good. Very good, but it seems like she is doing less. Regardless of gender if one is doing more it's unbalanced(unless one's job or child rearing duties precludes it). Ask her to do the dishes once in a while. You're cooking the food, the least she can do is clean up afterwards every so often(I would say the same to a woman in this situation).

My one vice is Cards, I play with a small group of blokes once a fortnight, I always get home when I say I will.

Good God man, I'm sorry, but you're not 12. So you go out with friends once a week and always get home on time? It sounds less like good manners than being afraid to come home if your were late.

I did used to have a big group of friends whom I loved dearly,

Good. Now where these mostly women? I only ask as you state you prefer the company of women.

but my wife hated this & thought I was having affairs - understandable I spose,

No it's not "understandable". Not in the slightest.

but I never did.

Good again, but don't pat yourself too much on the back. It's a simple given that you don't have affairs.

I just tend to prefer the company of women, Im one of those guys who hates footy and all that macho sh*t & prefer an intelligent conversation which doesnt involve gallons of lager & leering at 'de booords'.

I have to say that's a dodgy worldview IMHO. I too like the company of women. I also like the company of men. I am one, so it's natural that I would gravitate towards that. I also don't consider that all men are like how you describe. Not by a long shot. That nonsense is what you hear some women come out with. In fact I would describe that "macho shít" as being anything but describing men. It describes boys. Find different men to hang around with if you can. Put it this way, I have often had more deep conversations on emotional matters with my male friends than with my female(And I have very close women friends).

And then theres the biggie.

Yes it is.

We dont have a sex life, and thats totally down to me.

Firstly it's unlikely that it's totally down to you.

Im terrified of it. I was always quite shy in that department anyway, but I get so flippin scared Im going to do something wrong, or cock up (excuse the pun) somehow, I just cant do it.

You need to get this "fixed" pronto. I mean now, today or tomorrow seek help for this and your shyness etc.

How can I have a sexual relationship with someone who really doesnt seem to like me very much?

You can't, but part of her not liking you very much, or more to the point, not finding you sexually attractive is largely down to the issues you are exhibiting. You are acting like her friend. You are acting weak in your dealing with her. You are being too passive and she does resent you for that. I guarantee that. You are not wanting to or actually having sex with her. Because of this you can't give her the children she wants and you make her feel less attractive as a woman. You are always following not leading. She doesn't feel safe with you. You are failing to give her emotional and physical security.

Frankly this all added together makes you less like a man than a boy or one of her female friends. She already has female friends, she won't want to be married to one. before you say it, I'm not suggesting some sort of hairy chested macho bullshít either, but the fact is women want a man. Forget this nonsense of metrosexuals and all that crap. They want a supportive man, certainly. They want a kind and considerate man too, but they want a man. A strong man who makes them feel safe, secure, desirable and loved. A lot of men have forgotten what to be a man means and immediately equate it with being macho, like you seem to be doing which is frankly daft.

And to top it all, she says she wants children.

Of course she does and so do you.

Basically said one night if I dont give them to her she will have to find someone who will.

Frankly she would be right to find another man who would give her what she needs. She's lasted ten years at this stage.

I'd love to have kids,

Well first off you'll need the sex bit to kick off and I'm not being flippant.

but how can I bring children into this?

You can't. Until you fix this it would be a crime.

I came from an abusive childhood, my parents were always fighting with each other and us (I have a brother), I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Then change. It's that simple. You can't change her. You can't change anyone but yourself, so do that. The past is the past. Learn from it and then leave it there, in the past where it belongs. You have responsibility for your life now. Take it. There is help available. Try and seek out the company of ordinary, intelligent men for a change. If you are only in female company all the time, this will effect you. jeez they did experiments on monkeys and found that if male monkeys were put in with exclusively female monkeys(that they couldn't have sex with) their testosterone dropped a lot. I'm not suggesting the monkey model applies here, but if you are in exclusively female company a lot, your outlook does change. That's good in small doses. Very good, but not all the time.

I'd particularly like to hear the views of other women

Oops....:D Typical bloke that I am I barged in without reading to the end. -

am I doing something wrong? Is there something I'm missing here?

Yes and yes.

I know the simply wonderful girl I married is still in there somewhere, how can I get her back?

Yes she probably is and how you get her back is to get yourself back. Get back the man she married in the first place and she'll love you the way she did. If you can get to the point of getting back the man she thought she married you're on a winner.

Only you can change you. It's your choice.

Shinners23

Op you sound like a lovely guy but the reason she is banging doors and stamping round the house is - she is frustrated - physically and emotionally. She probably thinks you don't find her attractive anymore when you don't want to get intimate -

Ye both need to sit down and talk. You need to tell her how feel.

Wibbs

plasticpaddy wrote:

Its not like we've never had sex btw, just not much of it. Youve opened my eyes as to how much of a big issue this is (ie sex), I never realised.

Are you serious. I'm not trying to offend, but how could you get this far in life without knowing how important sex is to a relationship?

Why am I scared? To be honest I dont know. I'm far from 'hunky man' (more 'lanky beanpole') but I dont think im ugly or anything, Im cool with the way I look. My wife is very attractive, its not like I've gone off her or anything. Yes the tantrums upset me but I still love her very much, she never means to hurt me, I know that. I guess I wouldnt be here if I thought she did.

That's pretty much a line of excuses all the way to the crux of the matter which is....

This will sound odd to many I know, but I cant get it out of my head that it is a violent, intrusive act.

As Beruthiel points out this is twisted way of looking at it. It's ignorant of the basics of sex and the sexual needs of a woman. You need to get eduacated on this. Women love sex. In fact most women love and want sex with a man they love, sometimes even more than some men. It's hard to keep up with them. Worth trying though.

I cant understand why any woman would actually want a bloke to do that to them with any regularity.

They want you to do "it" to them and they want to do "it" to you equally. Again you need to educate yourself and pronto.

I guess I (stupidly) thought I was being a sensitive fella on that front.

So you equate sensitivity with being weak and non sexual? How did you come to that conclusion?

Thinking about it Ive never made a sexual advance to anyone, its always been the other way round. Mindset = 'if your asking for it then I guess its ok'

It's always more than OK.

So its really down to the fact she's not getting any? Well

No. It's not just down to that. It's also down to other important things that would make her want to ravish you half to death.

that would explain why me turning into Martha bleedin Stewart hasnt made any difference.

No. In fact I reckon it may have made things worse as she may feel you're doing it by way of apology for the areas you're lacking in.

In answer to Beruthial (Thanks to all but particularly u for your words) yes, I did let the friends go. It seemed the right thing to do.

It really wasn't.

My mates=making my wife unhappy therefore remove my mates=happier wife.

What about you FFS? What about your happiness. Have you ever considered that if you were happy, not shy, not lacking confidence and wanting to make love to her that she would be a hell of a lot happier than she is now? Your happiness and confidence will make her the same.

I have particularly taken your words very seriously. I have NEVER talked about sex, but will give it a go. You are bang on.

Yes she is.

I agree with all of you on the councelling front, I think, particularly as it seems my feelings about sex are, perhaps, unusual.

Unusual, but fixable.

God even thinking about it now is making me anxious. Here was me thinking women couldnt give two hoots about it ("dont come near me with that thing" :-)

Again and I'm serious where did this idea come from. Did you have a very religious upbringing or somthing? I just can't grasp how you can get to your 30's today, without picking this stuff up. Hell an episode of "sex and the city" would tell you that. Your female friends must have told you the same.

And the one thing I do miss is a best mate. I always had one, in fact tear now coming to eye remembering my last best mate. Dont know how to change that for the mo but thats a mission for another day.

No that's a mission for today and tomorrow and the next day, until you get a few male friends.

Papergirl 1

Dude you going to have to just sit her down and talk to her. She obviously has a major problem with some aspect of your relationship that needs to be sorted? If you dont talk about it it'll only get worse, and will end up in a major blow-up between you.

If this is more than just a problem that she's got, and the fact that she's just turned into a major weapon since youve got married, then your better to get out of it now instead of induring another decade or 4 of misery?

Wibbs

No offence Papergirl 1, but did you even read the OP's post? She isn't the "weapon" here for no good reason. There are two involved and since his wife isn't posting we don't have the full picture, but from what he's written he needs to pull his socks up in a hell of a lot of ways.

louisecm

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

They will point you in the right direction of someone with experience in this area.

plasticpaddy

Feeling a bit slated here, actually. Sure its not meant.

OK, OK, its a twisted way of looking at it, I know. But my feeling is if I could only somehow develop a better communicative relationship, I would feel happier about a sexual one. I feel I need that before I go anywhere. Perhaps my wife doesnt talk to me because shes not getting what she needs in the bedroom, but I need an open communicative realtionship to meet those needs, and overcome my apparently irrational fears.

It sounds so easy for some of yous, its just not for me. I talk (or try to) about everything, despite the brick wall, apart from sex, so I guess thats the next thing Ive to try and do - but Im a bit set back to be honest that a bloke who has a genuine problem with intimacy is seen as such a wierdo who needs to pull his socks up! Wish it was that easy! Im prepared to try anything tho, hence the plea on this forum!

Yes, I had a very religious upbringing btw....

Anyways, thanks all again, Its 1730, my wife will be home shortly, so time to cook tea, thats one thing I can give her. Mebbe a long chat after a good meal....

Wibbs

plasticpaddy wrote:

Feeling a bit slated here, actually. Sure its not meant.

It's not. Not at all.

OK, OK, its a twisted way of looking at it, I know. But my feeling is if I could only somehow develop a better communicative relationship, I would feel happier about a sexual one. I feel I need that before I go anywhere.

That's a good start. You do need to talk, I mean really talk about this. Sex is part of the communication in healthy relationship.

Perhaps my wife doesnt talk to me because shes not getting what she needs in the bedroom,

That's only partially the issue IMHO. If The rest of your relationship was more balanced and open the sex issue would be fair easier to resolve. The lack of sex is as much a symptom as anything else.

but I need an open communicative relationship to meet those needs, and overcome my apparently irrational fears.

Yes, but you also need to help yourself. talk and communicate sure, but until you start to make the changes that you need to be made and are right for you, then those talks will likely come to the same conclusions.

No it's not easy to change, but you can make positive changes in your life, in the ways that you need to, in the ways specific to you.

I talk (or try to) about everything, despite the brick wall, apart from sex, so I guess thats the next thing Ive to try and do

Maybe I'm missing the point here, but that brick wall is the first thing you need to get through. Just adding the sex talk may not help as much as you may think.

but Im a bit set back to be honest that a bloke who has a genuine problem with intimacy is seen as such a wierdo who needs to pull his socks up!

I for one don't see you as a "weirdo". Not at all. I do see you as overly "sensitive" though. Let me explain. Being sensitive to others is a very good thing, but you must be equally sensitive to yourself. If you're not, then it's hard to help yourself. This is not selfish either. By helping you to be the best man you can be, it will help your wife be the best woman she can be. That's a good basis for any marriage. It's also not a case of simply pulling ones socks up. If it was you would have done that already.

Im prepared to try anything tho, hence the plea on this forum!

Do more things together. A new hobby or getting fit together.

Do something just for yourself. Again a hobby or pastime just for you that gives you a sense of accomplishment.

Bring her for a meal. Arrange the lot. Don't ask her where she would like to go either. Sometimes people like to make a choice given to them, not to have to make the decision themselves all the time. Just bring her somewhere new. Do something like that at least once a month.

Try to be less passive, both in life and your dealings with her. Start small.

Compliment her more on how well she looks. Maybe do something with your own image if you're feeling a bit stale.

Sit down together and write goals for yourselves as individuals and as a couple. Do that once a month too, maybe over that dinner.

Invite friends of both of you around more often.

Wash the dishes together.

That's enough to be going on with...:D And no mention of sex either.

Yes, I had a very religious upbringing btw....

Don't get me started....:D

Anyways, thanks all again, Its 1730, my wife will be home shortly, so time to cook tea, thats one thing I can give her.

Again there's an element of selling yourself short again. Don't. You are a good man. You can be a better man. You can be the best man for the woman you love.

spinandscribble

you cut sex out
she feels undesired
bottling up sadness
creating hostility
councilling and maybe surprise her with a weekend to show you love her and hopefully continuing to show her you love her that way she'll feel secure enough to do the same. tell her the truth you think she hates you and that you love her and thats why you cant bring yourself to have sex

Oryx

I cant really top the advice youve been given here, just reiterate it. Your wife needs you sexually, and in other ways. But also, you need to not just look towards other peoples needs, look towards your own. Dont make yourself into what you think other people want you to be. Be what you want to be, thats where contentment comes from.

Dont just make assumptions about what you 'think' is going on in her head (that a woman couldnt want sex all the time, etc). Have that long talk, the first of many hopefully.

And I know youve felt slated here. Just want to say, to me you come across as a true gent, and an exceptionally thoughtful man.

spinandscribble

you sound like a nice guy just sexually messed up if you dont mind me saying. perfect in treating her like a equal but you kinda need to be less whipped.

edanto

As far as I can see, the best advice has already been given. Talk to her about the things that you're posting about. It will likely all spill out - give her a heads up that you've been thinking a lot and you want to talk about big things - but put her at ease at the outset by telling her that it's not about problems with her, but more things that are going on in your head. (while not strictly true, it will put her at ease for the right reasons).

When posting, you're articulate, but that might be because you have time to think of the right words - I know that feeling - so tell her that too. Explain that it might be hard to get the right words because it's something that you've never said out loud before (am I right in assuming that?)

In answer to your question, can you make the marraige work, I would guess that yes you can. But only by talking and then later, getting closer.

By the way, girls love sex even more than us, and you're sure gonna have a lot of fun figuring that one out. And intercourse is not the biggest part of sex.

Wibbs

spinandscribble wrote:

you sound like a nice guy just sexually messed up if you dont mind me saying. perfect in treating her like a equal but you kinda need to be less whipped.

Basically all my BS kinda comes down to this really.

Marksie

plasticpaddy wrote:

I need an open communicative realtionship to meet those needs, and overcome my apparently irrational fears.....

You are both not getting that. She will not open when you ask and you get angry when she does

plasticpaddy wrote:

who has a genuine problem with intimacy

This is teh crux of the matter

plasticpaddy wrote:

Yes, I had a very religious upbringing btw....

Do you feel this has affected your ideas about intimacy?

A lot of posters have given advice. I am in accord with Wibbs on the issue of you being oversensitive as most posters see the lack of sex as the issue and that the pettyy arguments come from your wife's sense of frustration, so their posts are not aimed at you in a derogatory sense.

Indeed she is thinking that you don't care for her and that also leads to the major jealousy issues about your friends, the fact you state you love their company is making her more and more this way. My guess (and it is just a guess) is that she sees what you have with them is more than what you have with her.

I believe it stems from further back and it all comes back to intimacy and your unease with it.

Leaving aside the sexual issue as it is probably the endpoint of the situation.
Going back to the real basics... how affectionate are you with your wife outside of the bedroom setting or is it just a coexistence.

In which case you dont have a marriage, you have two people sharing a house.

Intimacy between a couple is not just about sex OP, it is about showing affection, little things, kisses, touches, hugs to name but a few. If you are not showing these then she may be very shut out.
Communication stems from developing this intimacy, losing your fear of being vulnerable in front of your partner, in fact showing the vulnerability... the fear of sex being one, but the whole idea of intimacy and how it makes you feel.
Not being afraid to tell her what you have told us about your issues with intimacy. In and of itself that is the beginnings of breaking down these walls.

Having a talk will not be sufficient, you may very well have to go to a suitable life coach or counsellor.
When you started dating..how did she make you feel and vice versa, think back to those times and how you two related then and begin to bring it back.

Threads have been placed in this forum talking about a g/friend or wife who has the same issues as you. The difference is that you are a guy and that is the only difference. As in the end, regardless of gender, you are both human beings subjected to the same strains and problems.

At the moment you have to begin the process of learning yourself the idea of intimacy. Any detailed advice would not be beneficial as you have to have a base from which to work.

It is up to you to provide that base yourself, overcome your fears and begin the process of talking to your partner about yourself, sllwly and openly. It will be hard, but if she knows then she may be more able to understand, and together, with whichever help you two need, you can begin to build a relationship.

As for teh having somene elses baby, she is trying to get you to react and open. Treat it as such.

LegacyUser

I don't think your marriage can work without a sex life - and, a baby.

It's a kind of funny - because, as men, if we
mention the word 'sex' to a woman, they very often
try to run the 4 minute mile. It's the way of the
world, I suppose.

But, to tell U the truth, a point comes when they can't
do without it either - and they're gagging for it too.

We don't know U or your wife - but at a guess,
this stuff is alienating her from U.

I think the best U can do is to try a find some
guidance and counselling for the 2 of U.

Good luck. U seem a half decent bloke.

Marksie

Oh I forgot to ad, and i think its a very important point.

When you have these talks with your wife. Things are going to be said on both sides.

From your first post and also from the "slated" comment, you will have to do one very important thing.

Do not Overreact or get upset or angry.

Agree between yourselves that if either needs time to assimilate what has been said you will give it.

It is very important you do this . you may feel hurt, embarrassed a whole gamut of things.
But if you react badly you will both get defensive and nothing will be resolved.

Beruthiel

plasticpaddy wrote:

Feeling a bit slated here, actually. Sure its not meant.

As Wibbs said, it certainly is not meant, on the whole, everyone has been very helpful on this thread in pointing out what they deem to be the problem. It may not come wrapped in cotten wool, we like to get straight to the point in here

But my feeling is if I could only somehow develop a better communicative relationship, I would feel happier about a sexual one.

Perhaps going to the professional will be able to help you deal with that.

Perhaps my wife doesnt talk to me because shes not getting what she needs in the bedroom

There's nothing stopping her from pointing that out to you though, is there?

I need an open communicative realtionship to meet those needs, and overcome my apparently irrational fears.

Indeed you do.

but Im a bit set back to be honest that a bloke who has a genuine problem with intimacy is seen as such a wierdo who needs to pull his socks up!

Nobody said you were a weirdo, I also doubt you're alone in your problem.

Yes, I had a very religious upbringing btw....

Catholic guilt has so much to answer for!
Did your wife also have the same sort of upbringing?

Mebbe a long chat after a good meal....

Did you have a chat, if so, how did it go?
I would also like to point out that she has stayed with you for 10 years, that has got to mean something as in this day and age, she could have packed her bags at anytime. This suggests to me that she is there because she wants to be, even if she's unhappy with things as they are.
Wibbs is correct when he says she needs to be able to respect you, doormats are never respected.
Stand up for yourself and go to your card games but at the same time pay attention to her at other times, if there's a balance then ye can both be happy.

Mark wrote:

Intimacy between a couple is not just about sex OP, it is about showing affection, little things, kisses, touches, hugs to name but a few. If you are not showing these then she may be very shut out

Mark has made some excellent points, I just wished to stress how important the above is.
Do you kiss her hello when she comes home from work, when ye are on the sofa together, do ye cuddle, if you're walking down the street do you ever hold hands, do you ever give her a hug for no reason?
If neither of ye are doing the above then no wonder things are so bad. It's the basics and those little things are so very important in order to maintain an intimate relationship.
If they are not being done then you both grow apart from each other, which would appear to be the case here.

Sleepy

OP, I'd echo most of the advice that you've been given above. One thing I would add is that if you genuinely are having a hard time saying what you want to, why not try writing it down? You've already done an excellent job of that here. I'm not suggesting you write a long letter to your wife explaining everything, maybe just little notes you can leave around the house in places she'll find them that will let her know you love her, are prepared to try and change things etc. (e.g. if the first thing she does in the morning is make a coffee, put a post-it saying simply 'I love you' on the coffee jar).

It may sound very silly but there is a reason trashy books like 'P.S. I Love You' sell well: most women love romance. Injecting a little more of it into your marriage can only help make your wife feel more loved which can only improve things between ye.

If it felt right to you, you could progress this to leaving sexually suggestive little notes to make her understand that she is sexually attractive to you. Try to be less passive and initiate sexual contact as often as she does. You may have to be the initiator a little more at first but something tells me that if you initiated things twice or three times in a week, you'll find yourself struggling to keep up with her!