What do you think?

LegacyUser

My GF requested an itemised bill from her phone company the other day. She got it this morning.

While she was in the shower out of pure curiosity (sorry im dyslexic (sp)) i picked up the bill of the table and had a quick look ( iw as bored sitting at a table with just a paper i already read), not expecting to see much.

I seen that she has been sending texts to a lad that i know, everyday, up to 10times a day, mostly at nightime. I used to be a friend with this bloke but i dispise him and dont talk to him anymore. were with each other 3 years BTW and I do totally trust her, I just think its weird her textin him.

When I broke up with my girlfriend 6 months ago, she kissed this lad a number of times but i actually dont know if they did anything else. Dont want to know either!

It has totally freaked me out knowing that shes texting him.

I said to her in the car later and she totally denied it, I didnt tell her i saw the bill as I wanted to see if she'd lie to me - and she did. She denied it down to the ground. I never mentioned I seen the bill but i will do 2mrw when i see her and see what she says.

I know i was wrong to look at the bill, but what do you think of this? Would just like to get some opinions before I say it to her 2mrw. I have no problem with her txting other lads, whio am i to say who she can and cant text, but she knows I hate him and he's mad about her.

Henry Ford III

2 wrongs. Possibly 3.

She may or may not be wrong to be texting the guy day 1. Men and women can be pals.

You looking at her bill was wrong.

Her denying it was also wrong.

PeakOutput

if she admitted it id say there is no problem but why would she deny it?? coz it would hurt you? if it would hurt you why is she doing it? she can be friends with whoever she wants lieing about it is unnacceptable

looking at the bill is bad but at the end of the day you did find something to be worried about

vorbis

you shouldn't have looked at the bill but in saying that, I would have too!
Its not like you went looking for it, I'd be inclined to pick up stuff left on the coffee table and take a quick look.

10 texts seems a lot to me. Is your gf a big texter? Tbh, the only way to find out if anything dodgy is going on is to bring what you saw. She can hardly accuse you of prying if she leaves it on a coffee table !

Btw, i view this as being different to looking through a person's mobile. That would be well wrong. A piece of paper on a table would be looked at by say over 90% of people.

PinkPrincess26

Ok looking at the bill was bad, but she left it on the table.... she wasnt trying to hide this bill away from you..... maybe think about that, if she was up to something surely she wouldnt be stupid enough to leave the phone bill lien around so you could just pick it up.

However I'd want to know why she lied to you.... i'd defo confront her about and seek an explenation

AnonoBoy

Just because she left it lying around doesn't mean it's innocent. I once had a girlfriend leave out a letter on the bedside locker from someone she had cheated on me with. It was just sitting there - I'm sure she didn't mean for me to see it but she just wasn't thinking.

Unless she texts loads of people a lot I'd be very suspicious of this. 10 texts in a day to the one guy and then she denies being in contact with him? Something mightn't have happened but you can be damn sure that he's starting to muscle in on her. She mightn't realise it and could have denied it because she knows that you dislike him.

Oriel

somemightsay wrote:

When I broke up with my girlfriend 6 months ago, she kissed this lad a number of times but i actually dont know if they did anything else.

I'd get out asap.

This is highly suspect
10 times a day????
Do you really honestly think that its even a good sign that she's lying?

jubi lee

if she was just texting as mates, she wouldn't have denied it. simple as....
tell her you've seen the bill and see what excuse she comes up with for lying to you.

or ask the guy...

pclancy

I dont see anything wrong with looking at a mobile bill that was left on a table by your g/f. As said before, its not as if you were snooping in her texts, you just picked it up out of boredom, i read any crap thats sitting on the kitchen table to pass a few minutes....

Id be open, tell her straight out what you seen and how you feel. Yeah she'll probably go nuts that you read her bill but why is she texting somebody she knows you hate so much? Better get it all out in the open and see whats going on then have it in the back of your head...

txt_mess

I can understand looking at a bill when bored I've been known to read shampoo bottles and if she left it out in plain site you could have just glanced and saw it. ( if it was in an envelope your in a different league btw)

Denial is a standard response especially when ex's are involved but the frequency she is in contact with him is a bit more then casual friends so either he is her best friend in the world or she has him onstandby if you break up again or worse it's already happening.

Awkward subject to bring up and there is going to be no nice way to say it try to keep a calm low tone the minute the shouting starts the discussion stops. You may be raging but you also want to find out whats going on so bite the lip a bit and however unlikely it sounds at the moment it is possible she may have a good reason for the textin.

Wibbs

I'm not condoning the the reading of her stuff. Not good but since it happened.

Sorry about this and not wanting to come over all cynical here, but that doesn't sound good. For a start you broke up 6 months ago. A break or break up signifies a serious problem in a relationship(duuuuh). Was that problem fixed? I mean really fixed or did you get back together out of habit? Who broke up with whom?

In the second place she copped off with this guy when you were apart. That's fair as you were apart. A bit if rebound fun and frolics is par for the course.

So you got back together. All fine and dandy. Now she's texting the same bloke up to ten times a night? If she was texting anyone ten times in one night I would be very suspicious. Presumably he's been texting her back at the same rate. What does that tell you? I would get even more suspicious if she denied it. My suspicion would go of the chart if this was with a bloke she had history with.

All these together says to me your days are numbered. Either she's cheating already with this bloke or she's planning to string you both along until she makes her mind up.

In 90% of cases when a person breaks up with someone and soon after starts something with another it's planned in advance. In fact if the original breakup was suggested by her, I would not be at all surprised if she hadn't her eye on him at the time. What you may be seeing here by finding this out is this planning ahead in action. She's in the driving seat here.

I would confront her over this. You have nothing to lose. She has been dishonest in both texting back and forth with this guy and she has been dishonest in denying it. I hate to say it but there is no way that continued texting up to 10 times a day is innocent. If anyone can tell me otherwise I'd love to hear their reasoning.

Mighty_Mouse

Texting the guy she had a fling with on yer break!!!
A guy you dont like!!
jaysis!

Even if nothing physical has happened here there is clearly some kind of emotional flirting/communication going on.

Maybe she's keep him as her get-out clause!!

I'd say ya heard it back from one of the lads. Through the grapevine that yer man said it drunk one night and was overheard or something.

Let her deny it again and then tell her you seen the bill.

Something seriously up here.
Personally even in a 3 year, I'd have walked immediately and let her come running if she so chooses to explain herself.
Doesnt matter what excuse she makes up anyways cos she'll never tell the truth probably.

My own approach:

ie. I know about your still contacting him. Its over. Lets not do drama. I'm off. Then blank her from your life!!!
Only way to treat someone like that is to shock them back twice as much!!

Wibbs

Mighty_Mouse wrote:

Maybe she's keep him as her get-out clause!!

Bingo. The last time you broke up you were the safety net. Since you're back together he was. I reckon now you may be the safety net again. As I said this has/is been planned, maybe not even consciously, but planned.

My own approach:

ie. I know about your still contacting him. Its over. Lets not do drama. I'm off. Then blank her from your life!!!

My own approach too. I learned my lesson. I've had two women cheat on my over the years. Both jumped straight into another relationship. Both were planned. When I walked away from them, they came back. Rebounds and relationships immediately after a long termer very rarely work. I took one of them back(not good outcome), I told the second where to go(better outcome). Both of them up to a year after where still trying to contact me. Their loss really, though it was hard at the time. In your case, I think although you've been together for 3 years, you're the rebound now. He was the last time. I suspect whatever split you before is still an issue for her.

Don't be a safety net or second best for anyone.

LegacyUser

'We broke up 6 months ago as we just wernt getting on anymore, but the last 6 months weve got on so well an have had the best relationship ever, its never been so good.

Shes still denying it, its unbelievable,even though I saw the bill. The bill is now gone though, so i said we could check our accounts online then to prove it one way or another and that would be the end of it. She wont do that as its "invading her privacy", which it is, but this is so serious now that i actually think it may cause us to break up. Im a mess. Never thought she could lie like this to me, nevermind her texting him its the pure blatent lying thats killing me.

Shes so good at lying she nearly has me convinced im wrong even though I saw it with me own eyes. I never thought she could lie like that.

If this doesnt get resolved one way or the other it may be the end of a really really happy realtionship for us, but i love her so much i wana work it out and fix the problem.

This is killing me.'

IrishMike

Id be extremely suspect to say the very least.
Walking without anything proven would be extreme but id say this will end in tears anyway.
Txting an ex 10 times a day aint a good sign

Oryx

Hmm somethings definitely going on with her. The texting is one thing, but the denial confirms its something shes not happy for you to know about.

Looks like youre going to have to sit down and have a long chat.

davyjose

While I wouldn't advise you to make a rash decision, it is important that you take control of the situation. Maybe this means giving her space, taking some time out and suggesting a 'break'. It will certainly give you a quick idea as to how much you mean to her.
However, I would be highly sceptical, considering she won't show you her online a/c (considering it is obviously wrecking your head and - presuming she's innocent - could be assuaged in seconds). I mean, if you had mis-read (and you might have), why not explain - I'm assuming after 3 years she loves you.
Another thing: perhaps its a sign of the times, of a cynical element in Irish society, but how the hell is reading a phone bill, left lying about, after a 3 year relationship a crime? where has all the trust gone? My parents were together a year before marrying, and I would imagine at no point would they hide things from one another. My girlfriend has my email password, in case i need something checked and i'm not near a PC. (I've also been privy to my brother's in the past).
It stands to reason if there's no crime, then there's nothing to hide.

LegacyUser

'This is freakishly like something im in the middle of to. Feck sake, irish women.

i got the idea for the online checking of the account from this thread. Shes having none of it though.

let me know how this turns out and i'll do the same.'

Femgem

Let's face it - if she's texting 10 times a day that means he's texting back 10 times a day - and we know guys only text someone 10 times a day for one reason...

Get out.

easyontheeye

her denial says it all... when people have nothing to hide they dont lie, ITS SIMPLE! I would be climbing the walls with frustration...you have proof!!

edanto

Ask her if everything's ok. Tell her straight that you know she's lying, and how you know, and that she's lost your trust.

You may be prepared to give her a second chance, but I wouldn't. What's a relationship without trust? Why would you want to be with someone that lies like that? What need of yours could it possibly serve?

finbarrk

Definatley think you should get out, you cant trust her after the denials, if you dont do it now you will regret it later,I think anyway.

tolosenc

It's not your birthday or anything like thay soon is it? Just saying not everything is as sinister as it may seem.

dRNk SAnTA

If she won't prove that she hasn't been texting this guy then you should definitely dump her. You know she is lying to you so how could you possibly continue the relationship.

She deserves what she gets.

Binomate

Confrontation is the answer her me thinks.

Leon11

BURNED! Dump her

metrovelvet

You are both untrustworthy and deserve each other.

As god made them he matched them.

o1s1n

metrovelvet wrote:

You are both untrustworthy and deserve each other.

As god made them he matched them.

How is looking at an itemized bill untrustworthy? If I ever see one lying on the kitchen table I'll usually read through it out of curiosity.

metrovelvet

When it's NOT YOURS or your spouse's !!!! It's none of your business.

o1s1n

There are two things which could have happened here.

1. He could have picked it up out of sheer bordom. Akin to people reading shampoo bottles when they're in the bathroom. Something I personally wouldn't see anything wrong with. From the setup he described, it sounds like they're living together. It's not like he casually strolled into her house and started reading personal information.

2. He picked it up with the sole purpose in seeing whether or not she'd been contacting this guy. And then had his fears confirmed. This would then obviously mean he doesnt trust her. Unlike the other situation, this would be wrong. If someone has this level of distrust then I really don't see any reason for them going out at all.

OP, I wouldn't tell her about the bill just yet. Give her a bit of time to see if she comes clean and owns up. If she doesn't well...I know I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with someone who could lie like that about something serious.

davyjose

I'm with O1s1n on this - he wasn't being untrustworthy because he wasn't trying to catch her out - he just picked up a piece of paper and read it.
I wouldn't pick-up just anybody's phone-bill and read it, but a gf of 3 years isn't just anybody.

And certainly to equivocate reading it with cheating and lying is more than a little bit f*cked up, if you ask me.

Wibbs

obl wrote:

It's not your birthday or anything like thay soon is it? Just saying not everything is as sinister as it may seem.

If it was a good friend of his with no history with her it would still be cause for suspicion. In this case he can't stand this bloke, who did have a fling with her when they were split up before. I'd love to be a fly on the wall at a birthday party that he was invited to. Nope I do think he's looking at something more serious here.

metrovelvet wrote:

You are both untrustworthy and deserve each other.

As god made them he matched them.

Sorry what? Seriously what? I'm with both o1s1n and davyjose on this one. That statement is more than a little strange.

As I wrote in my first post, reading the bill was out of order even if it was lying around or out of casual vague interest. I wouldn't advocate anyone snooping in such things. I've had it happen to me, usually far more deliberately too. In those deliberate cases they found nothing but door out of my life.

You can equate his reading a phone bill of his longterm girlfriend left in plain sight with her texting(a lot) another man that she had history with and then denying/lying about it? That's an interesting moral compass indeed.

For the OP this might be an foretaste into how this girlfriend of yours may react. She may get all high and mighty about your reading of the bill, to deflect from the real issue. I doubt it though. I suspect she'll deny it further for a while and then drop the bomb.

metrovelvet

You dont know that she is cheating, you just know that she is texting. You suspect she is cheating because you see his phone number on the bill. Suspicion and certainty are two different things.

Secondly, he didnt just pick up a piece of paper, he picked up an itemised phone bill that wasnt his, that is SNOOPING. And that we are certain of.

bilbo79

metrovelvet wrote:

You are both untrustworthy and deserve each other.

As god made them he matched them.

Some people are more trusting than others, this does not make them better people-and you can love someone that you dont trust. some people just dont trust anybody.

Dump her unless she explains herself-this sounds like an affair.

Wibbs

metrovelvet wrote:

You dont know that she is cheating, you just know that she is texting. You suspect she is cheating because you see his phone number on the bill. Suspicion and certainty are two different things.

They are, but in this case one would want to be extremely and I mean extremely naive to think there's little going on here. Recap. Txting up to 10 times a day back and forth with a bloke she was with when they had split up. Up to 10 times a day with bloke he doesn't get on with. She then denies it? Hello? Are you honestly telling me that you wouldn't have a knicker attack in his shoes?

Secondly, he didnt just pick up a piece of paper, he picked up an itemised phone bill that wasnt his, that is SNOOPING. And that we are certain of.

never said that was OK either, but that damage has been done. Now it's time for the OP to deal with the repercussions of the snooping and more to the point the information he got from it.

It'll be interesting to see the girlfriend's response to this.

metrovelvet

I believe she denied and and refuses to allow him to see the accounts on line.

He said on page one of this thread:


Shes still denying it, its unbelievable,even though I saw the bill. The bill is now gone though, so i said we could check our accounts online then to prove it one way or another and that would be the end of it. She wont do that as its "invading her privacy", which it is, but this is so serious now that i actually think it may cause us to break up.

Im not saying I wouldnt be freaking out also, but right now all we know is that he has violated her privacy while we suspect that she has violated his trust.

BILBO79 wrote:

Some people are more trusting than others, this does not make them better people-and you can love someone that you dont trust. some people just dont trust anybody.

No it doesnt make them better people, but it makes them better at relationships. You can't have trust and fear. You have to pick one.. Its not a question of bad or good or who's the better person, just impractical in relationship. That level of lacking faith in the other is like a slow poison.

davyjose

metrovelvet wrote:

but right now all we know is that he has violated her privacy while we suspect that she has violated his trust.

Hang on, I don't believe for a moment that it was a case of trying to catch her out when he read the bill(I could be wrong but this is not the impression I got). This is a big difference. He wasn't deleberately attempting to find out that she was texting another man, and catch her.
In other words, he only violated her privacy because she had something to be private about.
The words "snooping" has connotations of underhandedness and spying. But he idly picked up a (what he expected to be innocent, perhaps even boring) piece of paper, belonging to someone completely familiar to him, and was met with, quite frankly, is an absolute nightmare for any guy to read.
Actually the more I think about this, the more disgusted I am by her behaviour. OP, even if, and I'm afraid it's a big if, she is innocent, you need to ask questions about being in a relationship with someone who can be so sef-righteous and selfish in the face of your absolute torture.

LegacyUser

thanks for the input.

i gave her an ultimatum last night. basically i said im leaving if she doesnt own up.She still didnt and then told me all about it. Although she never mentioned the frequency, she says she has been texting him but text him to tell him to stop during the week. which he ignored, but she hsnt repled. The thing is can i believe her?

its easy for everyione to say "leave her" etc etc but you havent lived and loved her for the last 3 years. Its not easy.

LegacyUser

BTW she told me he admitted in the texts that he was mad about her.

I rang the prick about ten times last night and text him but never got a reply

seahorse

somemightsay wrote:

BTW she told me he admitted in the texts that he was mad about her.

That should have been her cue to stop texting him, as I'm sure I dont need to point out to you OP.

somemightsay wrote:

I rang the prick about ten times last night and text him but never got a reply

What did you say in the texts??

Wibbs

Somemightsay wrote:

Although she never mentioned the frequency, she says she has been texting him but text him to tell him to stop during the week. which he ignored, but she hsnt repled. The thing is can i believe her?

Fair enough but you don't text someone up to ten times a day to tell them to stop. Doesn't tend to have the desired effect. This would be the template ; "X please stop trying to contact me. It's not healthy for either of us. I wish you well. " Real easy. Now what would require ten texts a day?

its easy for everyione to say "leave her" etc etc but you havent lived and loved her for the last 3 years. Its not easy.

No it isn't easy at all. If you think there is a chance then by all means fight for it. It's how you go about this that's the balancing act. You have two choices, you can go off half cocked and screw it up and push her this blokes way or...

Have the problems that split you up before been really resolved? Ask her straight and if not get your skates on and work that stuff out.

Tell her but in a nice way, that that you love her and she loves you and part of that is that neither of you should be sharing yourselves with another in a secretive fashion. Let's put this behind us and work on US.

BTW she told me he admitted in the texts that he was mad about her.

The why the hell was she replying to his texts? Makes no sense unless she's a bit thick, frankly.

I rang the prick about ten times last night and text him but never got a reply

It's hard but don't go down this route. It'll make no difference if she wants to leave you. In fact it will speed up the process, if you come over all faux macho. The thing is he isn't really the issue or shouldn't be. She and you are. Your relationship is. Let's say they are, for the sake of argument having an affair or she's thinking about. That's little to do with him. He could be any bloke. The truth is if she was happy with you no one would get a look in(unless she's a looper). Forget about him for the minute and work on you and her and why you think there may be a problem. there are always signs. Sadly it's usually after they're off with someone else that you see them.

Good luck though

j4vier

op i know its difficult to leave some1 you have bein with that long,but whats the alternative? you are just gonna be fooled over and over.
you saw the bill and thats the truth no matter what she says, 10 times is a lot for just tryin to tell someone to leave her alone and the fact that she first denied it and then admitted saying that , means just one thing..

edanto

On the money Wibbs.

Tell her but in a nice way, that that you love her and she loves you and part of that is that neither of you should be sharing yourselves with another in a secretive fashion.

OP There might be something going on with her that you guys haven't been talking about and she can talk to yer man about. Maybe she likes the attention or maybe she's bored with you. You'll never know what's going on until she starts to respect you enough to say what it's all about. Depending on how that goes, she might learn a lesson and then be a new improved girlfriend that's worth staying with.

If she doesn't grow up as a result of this, you'd be only asking for a repeat of this bullshit by staying with her.

davyjose

OP, I'm not sure if you thougth of this (or maybe you didnt want to rock the boat further), you certainly never mentioned it, but did you not think to ask her WHY THE F*CK she lied to you blatanlty about this. I mean, this was a big part of the problem, am I right?
If she had come out and admitted this to you (or better yet, told you as soon as he texted), would you feel as bad as you do right now

its easy for everyione to say "leave her" etc etc but you havent lived and loved her for the last 3 years. Its not easy.

Yes it's difficult to leave her, of course it is, but as j4vier said, what's the alternative? You can settle back into the comfort zone if you like, but the problem here is: how comfortable is it gonna be, and how long are you gonna stay there? You need to get to the bottom of this, and then make the right decision, for you. But the easiest route is not always the best.

Gator

Sounds bad, I would go nuts if this happened to me. You have to ask yourself though, would you trust her now when she lied to your face. I know I wouldnt.

Id get out of there if I was you mate.

Mighty_Mouse

BTW she told me he admitted in the texts that he was mad about her.

She was scoring the guy on yer break!!! Any contact with him after ye got back was at the very least seriously flirting.
The fact that he kept texting means she must of been giving him something to make him keep coming. ie... did she tell him ye were in trouble? or say "if only I wasnt with OP I would"

What went on?
Until you are 100% convinced that you know everything that happenened there's no way you can forgive move on from this.(if you're a big enough fool to forgive IMO)

You're obviously looking for a way to save this relationship, so my advice is biased. Like I said above. I would of politely told her its over and never even recognised she existed for the rest of my life.

Seriously though you must know in your own heart of hearts exactly what flirting was going on here. Was there more than flirting?
She needs to be honest.

The fact that she's not even admitting the frequency of the texting means shes still hiding something

..... the prick about ten times last night and text him but never got a reply

Wouldnt bother mate.
Waste of time, makes you into a thug and makes her hate you for beating up lover-boy. Probably just drive her towards him.

10 texts as pointed out above is a lot. I mean if she was contacted by this guy surely the immediate appropriate response would be:

"thanks for the nice time we had but Im back with my boyfriend now. Its no longer appropriate that you contact me again but all the best."

Did she send the above? or did she keep stringing him along?

Is she currently asking for a reprint of her bill to prove how many times she texted or is she still concealing it?
Is she beggin that she will do whatever it takes to prove that she has not acted inappropriately?

I mean if nothing is going on --- would she agree with you meeting up with this bloke or talking to him to ask him in his words whats going on (without her being in touch first)?
ie send him a text saying over-reacted last night and dont blame him for whats happened but would love to talk to him to hear whats really going on.

Does she still have his number? Is it saved in her phone under a different name? If so why?
Do you know his number? Ring it from her phone and see if comes up?

etc etc etc etc
I mean now that things look dodge. If she is interested in saving the relationship she would do anything to prove her innocence.
I know I would.

jubi lee

op..... i'm telling you now, she's cheating. this happened me.... he denied he was texting other girls... i had hard proof...still denied it.. eventually he sid he was texting but nothing else.. and several months later i found out he had been doing a lot more that texting. we were going out 5 yrs.

so my advice to you is..... tell her you gave her the opportunity to tell the truth and she hasn't been entirely truthful. she can easily change her number, so the other guy doesn't have it... if u trust her enough not to give it to him that is... and you can try start over...

if you don't have 100% trust and belief in her being honest with you , then...walk away! it'll be a lot harder when you find out they've been sleeping together.
leave the other guy out of it. he wouldn't be getting anywhere with her if she wasn't letting him....

Wibbs

jubi lee wrote:

leave the other guy out of it. he wouldn't be getting anywhere with her if she wasn't letting him....

Exactly.

ats

Somemightsay wrote:

she says she has been texting him but text him to tell him to stop during the week. .

telling someone to to stop contacting you should take one or two texts not 10 a night. And if the guy was getting to be that much of a hassle could she not bar his number? or even just ditch the phone. I know at one point a few years ago I was seeing this lass and her x got hold of my number (she had left her phone unattended one day when he came to collect the kid, and he went through it). I got a pain after about 2 days and just dumped the SIM and got a new number

LegacyUser

you must have been suspicious enough to go check the number, assuming since you didn't know this guy so well you wouldn't have recognised the number straight off the bill. if you weren't you might have just assumed it was one of her good mates and thought nothing of it.
have other things happened to make you suspicious?
i've had similar, the important thing to remember is if you're not going to get the truth, then you're never likely to in similar situations in the future.