GF also put on weight

LegacyUser

I'm in an almost identical situation to the OP of another live thread, except perhaps a bit further down the road, and I don't know what to do either.

Here's how I see it:
She's 25, we started going out when she was 17. Back then, she had a great figure. After a year, she started to put on weight. Not loads, but it was noticeable (about a stone). Now, she never went on the pill. She put the weight on by eating too much (a lot of chocolate) and not exercising.
Since the weight went on, it never came off. I love her very much, and I am still attracted to her.
That said, there have been times when I found it difficult to find her sexy, as she was very flabby. This isn't because of a conscious decision by me based on sizes or weight... her body simply didn't turn me on. I still love her as a person, of course, and that IS enough for me to stay with her.

But... here's the thing... I met a cracker, but she changed. She's still cute (although once or twice she strayed into the outskirts 'fat' territory) and I love her as a person. But she changed.

One of the things that attracted me to her initially was that she looked like she took care of herself and cared about the way she looked. I like that. In fact, the moment we started going out I was inspired by that to get myself in shape. I did, and I maintained that effort up to this day. I'm no Brad Pitt, but I'm in WAY better shape than I was when we met. She, on the other hand, didn't take long to change her svelte figure to a much fuller one - and not one that is nearly as nice.

I changed in many ways too, but those changes were things like cutting down on drink/drugs, getting in shape, getting stuck into my career, etc. These are all things that would undoubtedly be seen as positive changes from her perspective.

I'm sure she would have a LOT to say on the matter if I had gotten a dead-end job or started going to the pub every night.

I have tried a couple of times in the past two years to communicate my feelings to her, with mixed results. I always used tact when doing so, as I don't want to hurt her or, well, be a d1ck about it. I realise it's her body... but we're in a relationship and sex (for me anyway) involves enjoying each other's bodies.

I tried encouraging her to exercise by setting an example myself (remember, I've been exercising regularly since shortly after we first met) and by inviting her along. She never really took to it. I tried changing our diet but every time we'd take a positive step, she'd undo it by eating cr@p. Strangely, she seemed to eat even MORE cr@p after I introduced a healthier diet to our house.

Which brings me to the next part of the problem - she seems to have a problem with the fact that I'd prefer her to be in better shape. (Not that I ever said it that way, it's always been gentle pressure with me taking the lead.) She sees the gentle pressure as an attempt to 'change her'. That I can't accept her for who she is. THAT is why (I think) she is sabotaging my efforts at introducing exercise and a healthy diet.

We got married recently. She is the only girl I ever heard of who put on weight for the wedding. Not much, again, but enough to notice. About a month and a half before the wedding she just started eating way more chocolate, cakes, deserts and the like than she ever did. She still looked great on the day, so it's not that I found her unattractive, but it was like she was trying to prove a point... in a very sh1tty way.

This really gets to me. We've been through a lot together and I've stuck with her through things that most people wouldn't (outside factors that don't matter here). I married her despite her weight... and I would have married her if she was heavier... but it completely sucks that she decided to put on weight just to spite me, or test me or whatever. I have proven myself again and again to be willing to stand by her no matter what.

She's trying to make the point that I should love her for who she is, the way she is. I do... well... here's the thing that gets me. She changed! I fell in love with her - her personality AND her looks - and then she changed how she looked. And I loved that she looked after herself, but she SEEMED to drop that part of her character too (if it was ever really there).

She knows that I'm unhappy about this, but she won't do anything about it. She herself complains about her bodyshape quite often but still won't do anything. And not only will she not do anything, she's actually sabotaging my efforts!

At this stage, after 8 years through thick and thin (no pun intended!), I shouldn't have to prove that I will love her no matter what she looks like. I've done that, and I will do it again in fifty years when we're old and wrinkly. Right now she's 25 and could be a stunner if she looked after her figure a bit more. I can accept the ravages of age or the changes to her body from childbirth - these are all natural things and I will embrace them. They're not caused by overindulgence.

What do I do?

Accept that she's going to maintain the new weight, or heavier, forever?
Tell her bluntly?
Call her out on the way she put on weight for the wedding?

Or something else?

metrovelvet

Welcome to marriage; compromise, the negotiation of change and acceptance.

biko

Can you give us some measurements so we can see for ourselves, height, weight?

It sounds a bit like you believe she is putting on weight to punish you somehow, is this correct?

LegacyUser

No - not to punish me. She put on weight, didn't do anything about it and then sabotaged any effort I made to help her lose it.
I think she purposely gained weight before the wedding to make a point.

Her measurements don't really matter - it's plain for anyone to see (including her) that her figure changed. But for what it's worth, she's 5'5" and weighs 10 and a half stone. Not unhealthy or anything. She used to be at least a stone lighter. Her dress size went from size 8 to size 14, but it's now around size 12.

Beruthiel

OP
there is no need to post your comment 3 times, it stays in a queue until a PI Mod reads it first.

WhatdoIdo? wrote:

Her dress size went from size 8 to size 14, but it's now around size 12.

Ok, I'm wondering if you're trolling this site now. Size 12 is a perfectably acceptable and healthy size. I would say that size 8 is an unhealthy size for a woman.
I you had said she was size 18+ then you might have had something to complain about.

BoozyBabe

I don't think the OP is trolling.

I'm 5' & at a size 12 I look absolutely horrible & really fat looking (& that's not just my opinion.)
Some people can carry weight well, some can't.

Now even in a size 10 I look pretty pudgy.
I'll never be a size 8, but I need to be a very loose size 10 before I look good, so I think his issue with a size 12 person COULD be relevant.

If she used to be a size 8 & looked fantastic in her frame size, then I think a size 12 IS a big jump.

I have no advice for you op.
I don't know why your wife is so against losing weight, but no amount of requests from you will make her lose weight until SHE decides that SHE needs or wants to lose weight.

Maybe put lots of photos of her on display when she was a size 8 & also lots when she was a size 14 & let her see herself how different she looks, for the worse.
Maybe that's the kick up the rear that she needs.

If she's perfectly happy, there's nothing you can or should want to do, but you say she complains herself sometimes, so I'm finding it hard to understand.

I'd love a partner who constantly includes me in his exercise regime.

Sleepy

Next time she whines about being overweight or whatever just say something like 'what do you expect given the amount of crap you eat?'.

You've tried being reasonable, she responded unreasonably so just be blunt with her.

Libertine07

I am fuming reading this.... the way you were talking I thought she was size 18+

You say you love her, but you can't handle the fact that she's a size 12 (the average weight for a healthy woman!). I think you should consider yourself incredibly lucky to have this woman.

I very much doubt she's putting on weight just to spite you, she's probably picked up on your hints and feels even more self conscious. She could be comfort eating.

I think you need a pretty large dose of cop on tbh

LegacyUser

I'm not trolling. I just reread the two posts I've made and I think I made it quite clear that I wasn't talking about an unhealthy amount of weight.

Besides, I don't believe using dress sizes as a guideline for ANYTHING is a good idea! Beruthiel, I think you are wrong to suggest that size 8 is unhealthy. It is just a dress size. And, at the time my gf was size 8, she was a healthy (by no means 'skinny') weight of 9 to 9.5 stone.

As I said, it is clear to anybody that she is a very different shape.

I really, really, really don't want this to become another to and fro about dress sizes and healthy weights!

The essence of my problem here is that she's not making an effort. This affects our sex life and our relationship. I am looking for advice on how to deal with this.

BigTommyBomb

Stop talking in sizes! They are meaningless. Talk bodyfat, bmi, weight instead. If somebody is 9 stone and they put on a stone of fat then they are going to look a lot worse than at nine stone.

dodgyme

Well you have to think of the advantages here OP. I mean say for example you had a bet on a horse race and it was starting in say ten minutes. If your missus comes down the stairs saying 'ready to go shopping now'. All you need to say is 'that top makes you look fat' and off she goes back up stairs for another 20 mins giving you time to enjoy the horseracing or the end of a GAA game or perhaps the final frame in the snooker. Then when she comes back down say 'oh yea much nicer' etc etc

boffin

WhatdoIdo? wrote:

She used to be at least a stone lighter. Her dress size went from size 8 to size 14, but it's now around size 12.

Are you for real? You have to be kidding!

The way you were going on I thought she was a size 20 - she is only a size 12 which is very normal for a woman and particularly a woman in her mid twenties - jesus and people wonder why woman can be sensitive about their weight - if you expectation was and still is that you would have a size 8 wife all your life you seriously need to change your expectations and perception of a natural womens shape. Some women are naturally that thin but most are not.

Second of all you made out that she wasn't doing anything but piling on the pounds but she has only put on 14 pounds in 8 eight years and furthermore has also lost weight in that time (down from a size 14 to a size 12).

I think you really need to change your own perceptions and leave your poor wife alone. She is not an unhealthy weight for her height and her bmi would be in the healthy range.

Libertine07

BigTommyBomb wrote:

Stop talking in sizes! They are meaningless. Talk bodyfat, bmi, weight instead. If somebody is 9 stone and they put on a stone of fat then they are going to look a lot worse than at nine stone.

Fine, the OP says his wife is 5'5" and at 10 and a half stone that keeps her within the normal BMI range

OP in terms of your issue with her 'lack of effort', I think its your issue, not hers. Out of interest, just how much 'crap' does she eat?

LegacyUser

Libertine07 wrote:

I am fuming reading this.... the way you were talking I thought she was size 18+

You say you love her, but you can't handle the fact that she's a size 12 (the average weight for a healthy woman!). I think you should consider yourself incredibly lucky to have this woman.

I do consider myself lucky to be with her. I love her dearly. I don't know why you got size 18 from my post. Perhaps I didn't explain myself properly - I do find her attractive now and I think she has an ok body. Still, she's larger than I like (and I'm not one of these guys that is into really skinny girls). She hasn't made an effort since about a year after we got together, and the result is that she went from smoking hot to just ok.

I don't think it has to be a wildly dramatic change for me to ask for advice. It IS noticeable, you just can't see her.

miles teg

If she's only a little overweight, then it shouldn't be a big problem to lose it. I can never get over women insisting on putting no physical effort into losing excess weight...laziness. Drinking diet coke is not a proper way of losing weight

BigTommyBomb

Her BMI is 24.5 which is borderline overweight. Nothing wrong with it per se but cosmetically not too attractive if you were used to a thinner girl.

Libertine07

WhatdoIdo? wrote:

She hasn't made an effort since about a year after we got together, and the result is that she went from smoking hot to just ok.

So your issue is that your wife doesn't look as smokin hot as she did when she was 17? I'm sorry OP but thats life, girls generally do put on weight as they get older. she used to be 9 - 9.5 stone and now eight years later she's 10.5 which doesn't seem at all unusual to me. I honestly cant understand what the problem here is... are you worrying about what other people think or is it purely a concern about your sex life?

LegacyUser

Ok - I really don't care what dress size she is.

Boffin - she's not an unhealthy weight. I have said that a few times. Her HEALTH is NOT the issue.

Libertine07 - I try to avoid bringing cr@p into the house as she will eat everything in sight. She would happily devour a 1kg bar of Dairy Milk in one sitting. Now... I'm pretty weak-willed when faced with treats myself, which is the main reason I keep them out of the house. Her diet at the moment is ok.

You say her lack of effort is my issue? I agree. That's why I'm posting here - this is an issue for me.

BoozyBabe

boffin wrote:

she has only put on 14 pounds in 8 eight years.

But, why's that ok?

She's still roughly the same height as she was 8 years ago, so why's an extra stone ok?

I mean, I go up a stone very easily & very quickly, but just because I'm several years older now than I was when I was a stone lighter, doesn't make me look just as good because I'm older.

I still look fatter, 14lbs is 14lbs, & it's going to be noticeable on anyone.

biko

I understand from the OP that he himself got into great shape after starting to see this girl and that she now is moving away from it, which is normal as you get older/can't sport as much and of course this can be offputting when a major characteristic of what attracted you in the first place no longer is there.

Can you get away together on weekends or holidays and pick up golf/ hillwalking/ other stuff? Once she start shedding pounds again she might remember how good it feels to be strong and have lots of stamina.

davyjose

Libertine07 wrote:

I think you need a pretty large dose of cop on tbh

Beruthiel & Libertine, please give the OP the benefit of the doubt here. He was asked for sizes and he gave them, this doesn't compromise the point he was making, which I felt was very heartfelt and showed how much he really cares for his wife.
There seems to be a "tough sh!t, I'm fat - deal with it" attitude on here. It seems only women are allowed to complain about there parttners (often over much more trivial details than weight)

miles teg

like smell?

BrandonBlock

If it's bothering you that much, and she won't make any effort to change then break up with her. No point in having that stress in your life when there's plenty of more attractive girls out there. You only live once my friend!

PinkPrincess26

davyjose wrote:

Beruthiel & Libertine, please give the OP the benefit of the doubt here. He was asked for sizes and he gave them, this doesn't compromise the point he was making, which I felt was very heartfelt and showed how much he really cares for his wife.
There seems to be a "tough sh!t, I'm fat - deal with it" attitude on here. It seems only women are allowed to complain about there parttners (often over much more trivial details than weight)

"Tough **** im fat" size 12 is certainly not fat.....

BrandonBlock

PinkPrincess26 wrote:

"Tough **** im fat" size 12 is certainly not fat.....

It depends on a lot of other factors, If the girl is 5 foot nothing, then size 12 might be seen as fat but you are missing the ops point - his girlfriend is no longer attractive in his eyes and that's the issue here, not the technicalities of dress sizes.

Oryx

You met her when she was 17, and to expect her to keep a teenage physique is a little unrealistic, imho. Some women manage to, but it can be hard to maintain. And if you are hung up on her being one stone overweight, are you sure you will embrace the changes brought about by childbirth and age?

Id read into her putting weight on for the wedding differently, no bride wants to look huge going up the aisle, and I doubt she ate all around her just to put your nose out of joint. It is the most incredibly stressful time, and perhaps she comfort ate?

End of the day, you cant make your wife change her body if she doesnt have the get up and go to do it herself. If my husband kept commenting negatively on my body it would only make me insecure and resentful.

boffin

BoozyBabe wrote:

But, why's that ok?

She's still roughly the same height as she was 8 years ago, so why's an extra stone ok?

I mean, I go up a stone very easily & very quickly, but just because I'm several years older now than I was when I was a stone lighter, doesn't make me look just as good because I'm older.

I still look fatter, 14lbs is 14lbs, & it's going to be noticeable on anyone.

Its normal thats why - very few people stay the same size throughout their life as they were when they were 17! Furthermore she is not an unhealthy weight. Also the op does not at any stage suggest that she is unhappy with her weight - you may not be happy at that size but the OP at no stage suggests that his wife is unhappy at her size.

OP - you knew what weight and size she was when you married her. She was hardly going to turn back into a size 8 overnight once you got married. You have already told her how you feel and losing weight has to be something that she wants to do for herself...the only thing you can do is start doing physical activities together that might be fun such as rockclimbing, dancing, kickboxing - all great for toning - that way you get to spend some time together and get fit and toned at the same time. If she isn't in to exercise (as you suggested in your post) suggesting going for a run prob won't inspire her and will make her feel like your are trying to make her lose weight and she might rebel!!!!

Wibbs

davyjose wrote:

Beruthiel & Libertine, please give the OP the benefit of the doubt here. He was asked for sizes and he gave them, this doesn't compromise the point he was making, which I felt was very heartfelt and showed how much he really cares for his wife.

It's obvious to me at least that he does love his wife. I agree with you re the whole dress sizes issue. It's not a good judge at all. The fact is depending on one's individual tastes you know when you're "fat" and what you're looking at is "fat". For one man it might be a far higher "size" before he'll care. Same with a woman.

There seems to be a "tough sh!t, I'm fat - deal with it" attitude on here. It seems only women are allowed to complain about there parttners (often over much more trivial details than weight)

I agree with you here. I will be honest here and I will get slated, but hey... If my GF put on 2 dress sizes and not due to aging, the pill or the effects of pregnancy I would question it. On an attitude level as much as anything else. I would question myself if I started to slide in that department and felt myself less healthy and attractive and if my partner started to feel the same, I don't see why I should hold back for someone else. I wouldn't blunder in and I would suggest that we do something about it together, but I would say it. I would have more respect for any woman I would be in love with to think she wouldn't take a hissy fit over it, especially if communicated in a loving way. I would consider any other reaction, especially beyond the heat of the moment a serious breakdown of communication.

Look "fat" is purely in the eye of the beholder and in the eye of the beheld. It doesn't come into it unless there is a problem. 10 pounds or 10 stone doesn't matter(health aside). The fact is the OP sees it as a problem. The OP's other half complains about it too. I might be wrong, but the OP seems as much concerned about her attitude to the "fat" as much as the "fat" itself.

As for her changing with time? I have often found that men are convinced that women will never change and women are convinced that men will. That can cause issues even in cases of body image.

Marksie

Miles Teg: Please read the charter on unhelpful posting.


OP: one thing struck me about your original post, particularly in reference to increased chocolate consumption prior to the wedding.

Well, it strikes me that that may have been comfort eating.. or her way of expressing pre wedding nerves or dealing with them even (i knew a girl who prior to a parachute jump would eat three mars bars in quick succession). So i am not sure bringing the wedding into it will help

boffin

WhatdoIdo? wrote:

Boffin - she's not an unhealthy weight. I have said that a few times. Her HEALTH is NOT the issue.

Libertine07 - I try to avoid bringing cr@p into the house as she will eat everything in sight. She would happily devour a 1kg bar of Dairy Milk in one sitting. Now... I'm pretty weak-willed when faced with treats myself, which is the main reason I keep them out of the house. Her diet at the moment is ok.

You say her lack of effort is my issue? I agree. That's why I'm posting here - this is an issue for me.

I know she is not an unhealthy weight - that was my point - however that much chocolate can't be good for anyone. Sounds like comfort eating.

See my post above - I think its best if you organise fun activities that have an element of exercise. She might just need a kick start to being more active and then you can enjoy doing more fitness things together because it seems to be an important part of your life at the moment. Could you maybe explain it like that to her - that being fit and doing physical activities is important to you and that you would like if you could enjoy doing these things together. That way you aren't saying she is fat but that you want to spend more time with her doing things that you like.

LegacyUser

Nah - it wasn't comfort eating. She didn't get stressed-out at all. She's really laid back. I've known her a long time and I know it wasn't comfort eating.

KtK - I don't expect her to maintain a teenage physique. I just would like her to make an effort to get in shape, that's all.

Before this gets blown out of proportion, I want to state that:
I don't expect her to be unrealistically skinny or unhealthy
I don't think that she is really fat at the moment.

This all lies somewhere in between. The weight she is and the weight she was - they're both healthy weights. But the weight she is sits heavily on her and she doesn't look nearly as nice. She's not particularly happy with it and often complains about her 'massive thighs'. Yet she doesn't do anything about it, despite my best efforts.

greenkittie

I'd say the OP's major gripe seems to be that he has put in the effort over the years to look good for her. Plus the effort to encourage her to as well but shes just let herself go which seems like she thinks he isnt worth putting in the effort for.

I'd agree with people to get her out doing fun things with a slight amount of exercise envolved. Take advantage of the sunny days and to start off just try getting her out for walks after work and build on that from there. Failing that its time to lay on the harsh words.

dellas1979

Hehehehehe. I like the way OP that you use the word "larger".

And you dont know why you gave the impression that she was like a size 20 or something!!!????

And you married her regardless, now that she is a size 12/14? Aire fair play to you.

Look, you write a post like this and you are going to get flamed by every single woman out there, including your girlfriend, because, from our point of view, it is a stupid argument, that could only be conceived by a man.

The only one who can loose weight is herself, if she feels it necessary. What are you going to do? What is your plan? Call her "fatty" until she sucumbs to your "perfect size for ME" theory? Well, what are you going to do?

BoozyBabe

boffin wrote:

Also the op does not at any stage suggest that she is unhappy with her weight - you may not be happy at that size but the OP at no stage suggests that his wife is unhappy at her size.

Yes he did.

In his very first post. read again, he said she complains herself at times.

whatdoido wrote:

She herself complains about her bodyshape quite often but still won't do anything.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote:

Hehehehehe. I like the way OP that you use the word "larger".

And you dont know why you gave the impression that she was like a size 20 or something!!!????

Well, she was slim and now she's larger than she was. That's what I meant. I think that's actually what I said, but perhaps some people infer a different meaning from the word larger.

I don't know what I'm going to do, dellas1979. That's the whole point of this thread.

boffin

WhatdoIdo? wrote:

She's not particularly happy with it and often complains about her 'massive thighs'. Yet she doesn't do anything about it, despite my best efforts.

My mistake - must have flew past that point when I was reading - selective reading obviously

op what kinds of things have you tried?- what about a surfing weekend, or going rockclimbing for the day, dancing lessons, country cycle - something a bit more interesting than pounding the treadmill in the local gym! The weather is perfect now for doing all kinds of different activities!

LegacyUser

I have a question for the ladies.

Say you meet a guy who had a great job, with great prospects, etc. You get together. He doesn't really make an effort in work anymore, isn't too bothered about it, and as time passes loses his job and ends up in a pretty average job somewhere else. He's getting by ok, but he's now in a totally different situation than he was when you met.

You still love him.

Would you be even slightly irked that his apathy led to him losing his deadly job?

Would you say anything to him?

If you did say anything, what sort of reaction would you expect from him?

Shadowless

Libertine07 wrote:

So your issue is that your wife doesn't look as smokin hot as she did when she was 17? I'm sorry OP but thats life, girls generally do put on weight as they get older. she used to be 9 - 9.5 stone and now eight years later she's 10.5 which doesn't seem at all unusual to me. I honestly cant understand what the problem here is...

The problem is he's not as attracted to her anymore and that this wouldn't be the case if she put in any effort but she doesn't.

The fact that women generally put on weight when they get older is irrelevant. In this particular case she could easily lose the weight. The OP has bent over backwards to facilitate this and she throw's it back in his face, perhaps out of spite.

greenkittie

Shadowless wrote:

The fact that women generally put on weight when they get older is irrelevant.

True plus, if she isnt putting in the effort now when shes young and free to do so what will she be like when shes 40 with kids etc. Natural weight gain from age is going to turn her into a right little beach ball.

PinkPrincess26

Shadowless wrote:

The problem is he's not as attracted to her anymore and that this wouldn't be the case if she put in any effort but she doesn't.

The fact that women generally put on weight when they get older is irrelevant. In this particular case she could easily lose the weight. The OP has bent over backwards to facilitate this and she throw's it back in his face, perhaps out of spite.

She obviously does'nt want to loose the weight.... if she was really that un happy and upset over it... the weight would be gone.... Maybe she's enjoying her new curves.... who knows.....

dellas1979

Oh good god. People.....please....

Why do you say that a woman isnt putting in any effort, if she puts on weight?

That is one of the most disgraceful, irresponsible and immature comments Ive ever read on this site.

You have come on here, actually looking for advice on how to convince your WIFE to conform to the idea of YOUR ideal size.

//snigger//

I would not take heed of any comments she makes about her weight. Women do that all the time. A size 8 woman will make the same comments and have the same critical eye as a woman of size 20.

I am beginning to think that it is because you are together for so long at a young age that you have come to think like this, i.e you have no experience of other women.

I feel sorry for this girl, I really do.

Im going to do a Ricki Lake on this and say "THE ONLY WEIGHT SHE NEEDS TO LOOSE, HONEY, IS YOU!!"

Beruthiel

WhatdoIdo? wrote:

I have a question for the ladies.

Say you meet a guy who had a great job, with great prospects, etc. You get together. He doesn't really make an effort in work anymore, isn't too bothered about it, and as time passes loses his job and ends up in a pretty average job somewhere else. He's getting by ok, but he's now in a totally different situation than he was when you met.

Personally speaking, I've never cared what a partner does for a living as long as he can up hold his end of the bills and is able to pay his own way.
What that has to do with this thread though...?

Sleepy

Just because most people get fatter as they get older doesn't mean that everyone does. It's not simply 'natural' for a teenager to have a better figure than an adult (though it's certainly true that it's harder to maintain a good figure as you get older), a huge amount of it is related to a change in lifestyle - eating out more, drinking too much alcohol, not getting as much exercise as you used to, sitting in and eating a kilo of chocolate/a tub of Ben & Jerry's with a bottle of wine and a DVD etc.

There is a very distinctly defensive attitutude from some posters here who seem to issues with their own weight and rather than accept responsibility for it, prefer to berate the OP because 'we all get heavier as we get older'. It's not particularly fair to blame the OP for having a different opinion of what level of responsibility we have to our partners to stay in good shape for them than you do.

Personally, I can see why the OP would have an issue with his wife not taking care of herself any more, particularly when he says her willingness to put the effort into looking well was one of the things he originally found attractive about her.

OP, she's your wife. You love her and presumably she loves you if she agreed to marry you, planned the wedding and went through with it. If you can't talk bluntly and honestly with her, who can you? If she continues to refuse to accept responsibility for her own body, you'll have to ask yourself if it's something you can live with or if you'd both be happier apart. If she does decide to do something more about her weight issues than complain about them I'm sure some of the people in the Fitness Forum would be more than happy to help her (http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=35) and the stickies there are a mine of great information.

dellas1979

Can I just add, OP maybe this will make sense to you, she is a woman now. When she was 17 when you met, she was still a child.

She has grown up. She has grown up mentally and physically to what she was when she was 17.

Sounds like she is a bit more "mentally" advanced than you though.

And to answer your question, I wouldnt give a rats arse what my partner did as long as we were both happy. That is called having perspective, which you dont seem to have gained.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Personally speaking, I've never cared what a partner does for a living as long as he can up hold his end of the bills and is able to pay his own way.
What that has to do with this thread though...?

You don't see what it has to do with this thread? It is an analogy for my situation. One that isn't loaded with inflammatory words like 'weight', and 'larger'. Just to put it into perspective.

greenkittie

Sleepy wrote:

Just because most people get fatter as they get older doesn't mean that everyone does. It's not simply 'natural' for a teenager to have a better figure than an adult (though it's certainly true that it's harder to maintain a good figure as you get older), a huge amount of it is related to a change in lifestyle - eating out more, drinking too much alcohol, not getting as much exercise as you used to, sitting in and eating a kilo of chocolate/a tub of Ben & Jerry's with a bottle of wine and a DVD etc.

Plus as an adult its easyer to drop the few quid on that big tub of Ben & Jerrys as opposed to being a teenager when it cost half your pocket money making it seem less attractive.

Sleepy

dellas1979 wrote:

And to answer your question, I wouldnt give a rats arse what my partner did as long as we were both happy. That is called having perspective, which you dont seem to have gained.

dellas1979, just because the OP's perspective is different to yours doesn't mean his is of any less value than yours.

BigTommyBomb

This whole fallacy of middle aged spread needs to be shot down. People get fatter when they are older not because its the natural thing to happen but because they eat more and are less active. Its very simple. A man might increase muscle mass a bit over his twenties but his fat should remain the same.

LegacyUser

Dellas1979 - if you could quit your attempts at character assassination for one moment and look at the facts that are put in front of you this whole thread might be a bit more pleasant. You don't know me - all the info you have is what is in this thread. I have summarised a lot so that we can focus on the issue, but we love each other very much. I put lots of effort into the relationship and always have. I set about sorting myself out physically and I put a lot of effort into that all the time.

BTW - I didn't say that she's not making an effort because she gained weight. It's the other way around. She gained weight by not making an effort. I live with her and see her eating habits and lack of exercise.

greenkittie

BigTommyBomb wrote:

This whole fallacy of middle aged spread needs to be shot down. People get fatter when they are older not because its the natural thing to happen but because they eat more and are less active. Its very simple. A man might increase muscle mass a bit over his twenties but his fat should remain the same.

True after 3 kids and all the general getting old stuff my parents are both pretty much the same size they were in their 20s and they don't go over the top on exercising or dieting just live a generally healthy active lifestyle.

dellas1979

That not what the debate is about.

He doesnt seem to have a lot experience of women.

They met when they were children. Now she has grown up, which naturally happens, he is behaving like a brat.

No wonder she sneered him. I'd like to shake her hand.