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Can't make her happy
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05-06-2007 3:43pm#1
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭
Join Date:Posts: 59144
Same here.Marksie wrote:wibbs: Not decrcyijng your posts to the OP at all.
True and it's a better bet to get two differing approaches.Juts a matter of different approaches.
Agreed.I for one cannot see how those who posted about throwing her out of bed, storming off etc. is going to do anything other than escalate the situation. Apart from perhaps soothing bruised male egos.
Agreed.I wouldn't be looking at "performance" issues from myself, but what has happened that she is treating me this way.
Agreed again. Got the hat trick.I dont believe that the OP, from the way he has posted and what he is willing to try has the issue here.
Hopefully, but I would put money down she will not. Call it a feeling on this one. I don't think she may be ready for a sexual relationship. She may have had higher expectations of the act in the first place. She may have higher expectations on the part of the OP to satisfy her, rather than taking some ownership for her own pleasure and his.But you have a VERY salient point in that actions are louder than words. If the OP takes a positive practical approach: massage , touch etc. then, hopefully she will begin to respond.
Wondering about that for myself too.But Op: you said something "a lot going on".. emotionally? seeing too much of each other?Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Join Date:Posts: 59144
Maybe that's part of it OP. By you taking the "upper hand" in this you may be fulfilling two things.
1. You are the one in apparent control so therefore you are giving her the freedom to explore her own sexuality, because after all you're taking away her choice in the matter. You're not of course, because she wants it, but this way she can feel that it's less down to her and she can enjoy it more.
2. This whole "taking her NOW" dealio is very "masculine". As men we sometimes get the idea from media etc that women want a sensitive metrosexual man. While women want a considerate and kind man they also want a man. A strong dominant male who may dominate them sometimes(when they let him
)They generally don't want a wuss basically. Why do think you see women going off with "bad boys"? The reason is they tick certain boxes and appear more masculine and dominant(though often are not). This appeals to many.
In the bed women may want both the very sensitive lover, but also the rough and ready, you've got no choice in the matter type. The trick is to gauge which is more appropriate at the time(a couple of elbows in the family jewels, when you get it wrong tends to focus the mind ) .
You hear quite a bit about a lot of women sometimes having "rape" fantasies. This is of course nonsense. It's not rape, because ultimately they are in control of what happens and who they want it to happen with in such fantasies. I could be wrong here, but because society often puts tremendous pressure on women to be both "sluts" and "saints", this situation takes that choice and more to the point that confusion away, so they can actually enjoy it without guilt. This can be especially true of less experienced women. Again these are generalisations but they have some weight.
Maybe this is the start of the process where you both start make progress. At this point communication is the key to any move forward.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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Wibbs wrote:Maybe that's part of it OP. By you taking the "upper hand" in this you may be fulfilling two things.
1. You are the one in apparent control so therefore you are giving her the freedom to explore her own sexuality, because after all you're taking away her choice in the matter. You're not of course, because she wants it, but this way she can feel that it's less down to her and she can enjoy it more.
2. This whole "taking her NOW" dealio is very "masculine". As men we sometimes get the idea from media etc that women want a sensitive metrosexual man. While women want a considerate and kind man they also want a man. A strong dominant male who may dominate them sometimes(when they let him )They generally don't want a wuss basically. Why do think you see women going off with "bad boys"? The reason is they tick certain boxes and appear more masculine and dominant(though often are not). This appeals to many.
My tantra teacher explained this as igniting shakti's fire.
Bringing it out in a huge burst rather than a slow burn0 -
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Wibbs wrote:Or more simply being a strong sweaty hairy chested male who just brought in a dead antelope for food and now wants his woman. It doesn't need that much dressing up in esoteric language TBH. That stuff runs deep. Look what women in general want from a man physically. Strong jaw, wide shoulders, lean and toned(but not too much) and physically fit. Mentally, the same strong yet considerate and intelligent qualities tick most of the boxes. All those attributes were coded for at a time when such qualities were a good sign of ability for survival and providing for any family she may have with the man. All these signify reproductive health. What do men in general look for in a woman? Different things but mostly things that again signify reproductive health.
This while not written in stone can also apply behind the bedroom door. In the OP's case and probably just for the time being this maybe a little obvious male female dynamic may prove useful until both get more comfortable with each other as people, not just male and female.
Well statement was describing the effect more than the cause .
However, i think that in this case, rather than genetic hardwiring its a bit more immediate.
The Op took actoin he felt was suitabel, his girlfriend probably got a shock which may have made her reevaluate and go through a 180 degree turnaround
It may even be as simple as the fact that she had felt that they were simply going through the motions and that by injecting feeling and passion into the whole thing it made her realise what potential was there. Still that may be a further discussion in another forum
More importantly the point you made about communication is perhaps the crux of teh matter.
In teh short term the Op actions have had a beneficial effect.
IN teh longer term, their ability to communicate openly will be the one that establishes a better undetstanding.
OP: to fully capatalise on this now is the time to talk about her communication issues, and any that you may have as well. It is a two way thing after all0 -
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