love her, but wtf?

LegacyUser

ok, got a bit on an issue I need other peoples opinion on. Been with girlfriend 3+months. First relationship, her third. Things have been great, we get along really well. She is still a virgin, despite having boyfriends before and being 4 years older than me. I am also a virgin. We have plans to go away during the summer were we will probably sleep together for the first time. I compleltely respect her, and that she wants it too be special, and so do I. But today, whilst on the phone, she was talking about a friends friend that has been going out for 2 years, and that it will be easier to break up if they havnt slept together in that time. (2years???!!!) I was completely taken aback, "You wouldnt be in a relationship for 2 years with no sex?" and her response was emm, 1 year then, and I was like what? and she moved off the topic completely. I am still in a state of shock.

I'd love to know other peoples opinions on this. I really love her, and she loves me, and I do respect her alot, but If she thinks I will wait a year++ then she is very wrong. I am not rushing her, but how could anyone be in a serious, 2 year relationship and not have sex? how could you spend that much time, in love with someone, a major part of their life for 2 years and not sleep together? I always new my girlfriend was reserved sexually, and also wanted the first time too be special, but the way she spoke on the phone she made it clear a year or more is a resonable amount of time to be with someone, in love and wait that long for sex!!! I really, really love her, but I just cant understand how she could think that.

Opinions please, has put me in a right strange humour!

Bottle_of_Smoke

is her father in the christian solidarity party or the taliban?

Mind if I ask how old you are?

I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

PeakOutput

work her up to it dont put pressure on her or youll seem like a dick but find ways(the more imaginative the better) to turn her on and gradually make your move (dont know what you have already done with her bu you know what i mean)

itll take more time than simply saying "i cant wait a year we should have sex lets do it next wednsday" but this way she will want it too

LegacyUser

'Can I ask how old you both are?

If she's four years older than you and you're going on holiday together she must be at least 22?

Each to their own but she sounds as if she might have an issue with sex, fear or whatever. She's had 4 relationships after all. I'd just talk to her about it and tell her if it's a serious relationship you'd like her to commit to that.'

Chinafoot

Sit her down and ask her what her feelings are on the subject. She's the only one who can tell you what's going on (or rather what's going to be going on and when) in that area.

Establish clearly what her expectations are and tell her what yours are. If you feel that a year is too long, tell her that. If it's something she feels very strongly about then respect it and, if you aren't prepared to wait as long as she wants/needs, then walk away.

woop

^if a girl didnt post that last post Im dutch^

mobileblog

what age are yous?

Beruthiel

woop wrote:

^if a girl didnt post that last post Im dutch^

I suggest you read this forums charter with regards to useless, unhelpful comments.
B

LegacyUser

willitfsck wrote:

'Can I ask how old you both are?

If she's four years older than you and you're going on holiday together she must be at least 22?

Each to their own but she sounds as if she might have an issue with sex, fear or whatever. She's had 4 relationships after all. I'd just talk to her about it and tell her if it's a serious relationship you'd like her to commit to that.'

On the button. This is her longest relationship too btw.Really dont know a "nice" way of bringing it up, without sounding like an asshole looking for sex Even though I do love her, I am definately not prepared to wait nearly that long.

I never mentioned that she went to GP about 5 weeks ago to "find out" about the pill, she got a perscription that is valid for 6 months. Personally, If the perscription runs out, and we still havn't slept together, even though I love her. I will just have to move on out of frustration.

muppetkiller

It was the "Been with girlfriend 3+months.....I really love her, and she loves me, " bit that got me laughing. You're obviously about 18 ish with those kind of comments but to be honest if you want to get your virginity out of your system with this girl then be prepared to wait otherwise get out of the relationship.

But another thought might be the fact that she is 4 years older and still a virgin maybe the idea of sex scares her and by being with a younger guy he (you) will be prepared to wait longer.. Anyway that's my 2 cents...

LegacyUser

muppetkiller wrote:

It was the "Been with girlfriend 3+months.....I really love her, and she loves me, " bit that got me laughing. You're obviously about 18 ish with those kind of comments but to be honest if you want to get your virginity out of your system with this girl then be prepared to wait otherwise get out of the relationship.

But another thought might be the fact that she is 4 years older and still a virgin maybe the idea of sex scares her and by being with a younger guy he (you) will be prepared to wait longer.. Anyway that's my 2 cents...

You dont think it's possible to be 19, and be in love with someone? But you d bring up and interesting point about the age difference and sex, that she may think cause I am younger, I can wait.... Thanks for the 2 cents anyway.

boffin

Its not that people don't think you can be in love at 19 - its just the short time span in which you have fallen in love - 3 months is a very short period of time! In terms of saying we are in love, that tends to be alot quicker when your are in late teens than when you are in your 30s (not meant as patronising - thats just the way I see it).

OP - For alot of girls losing their virginity is a big deal and 3 months is not very long in a relationship (and this is her longest so far) so to be fair it may not be case that she is afraid of sex but she may not be ready yet for sex as you are't going out that long. She may just be waiting to make sure that you too will last as lot of people want to lose their virginity in a steady relationship (see thread in after hours - don't have time to look for it!!!)

Fwaggle

Chinafoot wrote:

Sit her down and ask her what her feelings are on the subject. She's the only one who can tell you what's going on (or rather what's going to be going on and when) in that area.

Establish clearly what her expectations are and tell her what yours are. If you feel that a year is too long, tell her that. If it's something she feels very strongly about then respect it and, if you aren't prepared to wait as long as she wants/needs, then walk away.

Agree completely. The only way you are going to know is by talking to her and if she is completely set on waiting until a year or more, then you either have to accept that and wait, or walk away.

TerrorFirmer

If a girl wanted to wait 2 years to have sex that would be fine with me. People don't have these ideals for a laugh, it's how they want things to be for whatever their own reasons. You say you want to approach it without sounding like an asshole, well, maybe you are if you really think its something you're so exclusively entitled to within what YOU consider a reasonable amount of time?

Try talking to her about it, maybe there's an underlying issue, but there doesn't have to be just because someone wants to abstain for any given length of time. Sex is a great thing but it's overrated in comparison to creating an effective bond in a new relationship - if you truly loved her as you say then you wouldn't let just plain sex get in the way so early - three months is not a long time, and even a year, well, if she's worth it, then it's well worth the wait.

sweet-rasmus

ok, if she went and got the pill that means she is considering having sex with you, which is what you want. but as said before, losing your virignity is very important to most girls and she probably waiting till it feels right for her. as said, she may want the confirmation that your relationship is steady and she is getting used to the trust between you both. if you start pushing for sex you will make her feel under pressure and she is not likely to respond well to that.

so, set the mood, romance her and when to moment is right, ask if she is interested. just don't push it!!!

but... you are new to the game and i will remind you that the role of sex between a man and a women is to make a child not just for intimacy and pleasure. there's always a chance of that, you mustn't forget! be safe

jellie

i may be wrong but from girls i know, and stuff ive read, a lot of girls need around 6-12months for 1st time.

And from boys i know, and stuff ive read, a lot of men will wait maybe 8-12 months.

While you need to tell her how you feel you need to be very careful how you go about it. telling her you wont wait a year (or however long youve decided) will sound like an ultimatum and to a girl that sounds like its all youre after. the more you push her for it the less she will want to do it.

Someone wrote something about turning her on & "making your move" - personally that would just p*ss me off. I feel like a traitor to all girls saying this but you have to let her feel like its her idea. she probably wants to but is scared. if u keep asking her she'll feel pressured and use that as a way to say no.

Also: dont take the going for the pill as a definite indicator that she wants sex. it could just be that she wants to feel safe doing other things.

scoey

HavoK wrote:

If a girl wanted to wait 2 years to have sex that would be fine with me. People don't have these ideals for a laugh, it's how they want things to be for whatever their own reasons. You say you want to approach it without sounding like an asshole, well, maybe you are if you really think its something you're so exclusively entitled to within what YOU consider a reasonable amount of time?

Try talking to her about it, maybe there's an underlying issue, but there doesn't have to be just because someone wants to abstain for any given length of time. Sex is a great thing but it's overrated in comparison to creating an effective bond in a new relationship - if you truly loved her as you say then you wouldn't let just plain sex get in the way so early - three months is not a long time, and even a year, well, if she's worth it, then it's well worth the wait.

This is a bit silly. Sex isn't the be all and end all, but it isn't nothing either, and some(many) people, perhaps including the OP, consider it an important part to being in a relationship with somebody. If he thinks he's entitled to sex after however many months of being together, or thinks that there might be a timeframe that is too long for him to wait, that does not even remotely make the guy an asshole. Just as she has her beliefs, this guy is entitled to his, and if that includes thinking that sex is a good thing and an important part of a relationship, then he's perfectly entitled to make relationship decisions based on that. It is possible to "love" someone but still feel a need to move on if there are major aspects of the relationship which are causing you unhappiness.

Marksie

scoey wrote:

entitled

That was the word i was looking for to describe how the OP views this!
Perfect, thanks Scoey.

To me the fact your g/friend is ummming and ahhing and yet has got a prescription for the pill indicates one of two things.
1) she is truly considering something.
2) She is doing this to keep you off her back (no pun intended).

At three months you have gone in with expectations that may or may not be filled. But it does appera that you feel you are entitled to s*x.

time for you two to sit down and have an open dialogue about things

Stabshauptmann

Listen to yourself. Why wait a year for sex? Good question, maybe you shouldnt. But if that is your attitude dont say you love the girl.

You're wondering whats a reasonable length of time to expect to pass before you sleep with somehow. TBH, could be a matter of hours, could be months, might be not till after marriage: to each their own.

Now some people have advised being subtle about it or working her into the mood. Pressurising her basically. Now Id be a real hypocrite if I got up on a high horse about respecting other people, but if you either trick, blackmail or pressurise someone into having sex for the first time when they're not ready I guarantee it comes back to bite you in the ass.

Congratulations on your first relationship, hope its something great. Piece of advise, you know its a good relationship when you can talk about anything. And when you do talk more, it becomes a better relationship.

Talk to her, what she says may not be the strictest truth. She may not know what she really wants or she may not want to tell you what she really wants, but its a good starting point, no?

Maybe she's on the pill because of heavy periods :rolleyes:
It may have nothing to do with sex. Possibly. It certainly doesn't have to mean she wants to hop into bed with him.

LegacyUser

'

scoey wrote:

This is a bit silly. Sex isn't the be all and end all, but it isn't nothing either, and some(many) people, perhaps including the OP, consider it an important part to being in a relationship with somebody. If he thinks he's entitled to sex after however many months of being together, or thinks that there might be a timeframe that is too long for him to wait, that does not even remotely make the guy an asshole. Just as she has her beliefs, this guy is entitled to his, and if that includes thinking that sex is a good thing and an important part of a relationship, then he's perfectly entitled to make relationship decisions based on that. It is possible to "love" someone but still feel a need to move on if there are major aspects of the relationship which are causing you unhappiness.

I agree with this.

Also worth mentioning with get along REALLY well for just 3 months, and we talk about anything and everything very comfortably, and she straight out said she went about the pill soley based on finding out about it as a method of contraception. I have already decided to try talk about it with her, the thread was mearly a way of me seeing other peoples aspects if they were in the situation, and it definately helped. Thanks to all the people who posted.'

LegacyUser

'With all due respect, if you love her, you'll wait 1 year, 2 years, 3 years or however long she wants to wait. If she doesn't want it, you should be fine with that, otherwise you don't love her, you just like her a lot and want to have sex with her more.

I was in a 3 year relationship with a girl (she was 20 when we started going out and I was 21) and she was strongly Catholic and didn't want to have sex until she got married. I loved her and I did want to have sex with her. We discussed it a few times but we agreed that it wasn't right unless we both wanted it.
We eventually went our seperate ways but the sex was nothing to do with it because I actually loved her and respected her feelings. You clearly don't respect your girlfriend's feelings.

I'm not saying you shouldn't ever have sex with her but when she's ready, she'll let you know. In the mean time, if you actually love her, firstly you won't put her under pressure and secondly, you won't break up with her just because she doesn't want to have sex.'

kryogen

I only want to say one thing, when i lost my virginity it was with another virgin but we were together 7 months...dont rush it, she needs to be ready, it should happen naturally, if it doesnt.... get out of there! but b patient and give it lots of time, dont pressure her or u look like a dick.

Deadevil129

A year's not as long as you would think.When someone seems that aprehensive about loosing their virginity I'd tread very carfully as you never know what could have made them think that way. It could be something as serious as abuse, as normal as religion or as odd as she saw something about loosing your virginity in a movie and didn't like what she saw. Three months is not along time to get to know somebody like that. I'm with my bofriend two years and still I'll find out things I never knew about him and visa versa.

On another note I was almost a year with my current b-f before we slept together. Might be worth thinking that there's an awful lot of fun you can have without actually having sex... In fact, in the long run, sex is gonna be better if you spend more time getting to know each other like that then jumping into it straight away.

LegacyUser

'I was with a guy from when I was 19 to 21. He was 2 years older. We didn't have sex. I wanted to wait until the relationship had settled down and he was happy to do so. Thing is it never settled down and we never did.

Most of my apprehension was linked to being lectured by my very catholic grandmother during my teenage years. I would never have believed it but it rubbed off on me and I felt guilty for doing stuff!!

It was def linked to the bloke though as well, I wasn't comfortable in the relationship and never confident enough about us to put out. We broke up and a couple of years later I met a great guy and slept with him within months.

In a very happy and sex laden relationship now! Hang ups are well and truly gone.

Might be worth seeing what is at the base of your girlfs reluctance.'

LegacyUser

3 months? I have been going out with my girlfriend a year exactly pretty much and to be honest, I have been sussing her out at least for the first 5 - 7 months trying to figure her out as best I can and can only say now, after a year, that I am in love with her completely. I fell in love with her after 9 months basically...and even that is too short in my opinion...i'm kind of dissapointed in a weird way that I didn't fall in love with her later on in the relationship...but I can't help how I feel...but trust me, you have to understand that it's not love that early on, it's lust and romance. That's it. You can still have lust and romance when your fully in love, but jesus christ, u can't possible be "in love" and sustain that feeling forever after 3 months.

Oh and I slept with my girlfriend after 6 months pretty much and I would have waited a year easily with her because I did fall in love with her. She was a virgin too. Without sex, the only thing that would be missing is the fact that we probably would not be as close as we are now...but that's just it isn't it? It's all about stages...she has finished college and I am going into my final year, so we are at similar stages and we have the same plans and ideas in the future so we'll see what happens...

Cake Fiend

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex.

Only you can decide whether the relationship is worth waiting a year+ to get laid. If it isn't, don't feel guilty.

LegacyUser

No, do not feel guilty, get the **** out of there and take down some filth...

but in my case, i felt the wait was worth it but I knew I was on to something serious anyway...and so far so good...

LegacyUser

'

unregwtf wrote:

ok, got a bit on an issue I need other peoples opinion on. Been with girlfriend 3+months. First relationship, her third. Things have been great, we get along really well. She is still a virgin, despite having boyfriends before and being 4 years older than me. I am also a virgin. We have plans to go away during the summer were we will probably sleep together for the first time. I compleltely respect her, and that she wants it too be special, and so do I. But today, whilst on the phone, she was talking about a friends friend that has been going out for 2 years, and that it will be easier to break up if they havnt slept together in that time. (2years???!!!) I was completely taken aback, "You wouldnt be in a relationship for 2 years with no sex?" and her response was emm, 1 year then, and I was like what? and she moved off the topic completely. I am still in a state of shock.

I'd love to know other peoples opinions on this. I really love her, and she loves me, and I do respect her alot, but If she thinks I will wait a year++ then she is very wrong. I am not rushing her, but how could anyone be in a serious, 2 year relationship and not have sex? how could you spend that much time, in love with someone, a major part of their life for 2 years and not sleep together? I always new my girlfriend was reserved sexually, and also wanted the first time too be special, but the way she spoke on the phone she made it clear a year or more is a resonable amount of time to be with someone, in love and wait that long for sex!!! I really, really love her, but I just cant understand how she could think that.

Opinions please, has put me in a right strange humour!

I waited nearly 2 years in a 5 year relationship (over now) without going all the way --was frustrating at times yes, but no regrets whatsoever-

How far do ye go?'

scoot on

I started going out with my boyfriend when I was 17. He was 5 years older than me. I was a virgin and he wasn't. Then, his best friend started going out with my best friend, about three months afterwards. Neither of them were virgins. They had sex before we had sex. We'd talked about the whole sex thing and he was quite willing to wait. In the end we talked about it for a while and I told him exactly when I was ready. I think we ended up waiting about 7 months. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. He was brilliant. When we were talking about it he got totally embarrassed cuz he wanted to ask me if I wanted to book into a B&B and have a night to ourselves but he said he couldn't get the words out.

Moral of the story, talk to her! It'll probably be a cringe worthy conversation but if you two are as good together as you say then it'll be worth it.

AngryBadger

Th eissue here is that regardles sof what anyone else thinks the OP is obviously not willing to wait a year or more for sex.

You need to establish whether or not your grilfriend expects this, and make it clear that you're not happy with that set-up. End of discussion.

Personally I think it's ridiculous to expect someone to wait a year or anything like that. I completely respect anyone's right to expect that, but they have to compeltely respect my right to head fo the door.

Although very few women seem to realise, or be willing to acknowledge it, a guys emotional well being is tied up in his sex life to a very significant extent. i'm not saying guys can't be happy without sex, but personally I feel a lot better if I'm getting sex with some kind of regularity in a relationship. if that's not happening i imaging I'd be feeling pretty low, and damnably frustrated.

Skiesonfire19

Stop being a bitch. It's only sex. It means more to girls, than guys.

Marksie

Skiesoin fire: Less of the personal abuse

LegacyUser

'has anyone considered prehaps the ops jumping the gun?

just because she thinks its easier to break up with someonew if they've never had sex doesnt mean thats what she wants with him. plus she might be thinking that 1 or 2 years is a alright time to wait for someone. maybe she felt embarassed that he seemed shocked on the phone that she'd give someone so much leg room.

seriously op just ask her.

oh and your only 19 if you truely love someone you'd wait a 6 months, it isnt going to kill you.'

lizzyvera

3 months!

To me it sounds like OP just wants to get it over with to either brag about it or just satisfy himself and his own appetite. I'd be really really unhappy if a bf was pushy or getting impatient after only 3 months.

Stabshauptmann

Well, crude generalisations I know, but women generally seem to fall into one of the following brackets when it comes to sex. First date, 3rd date, 3rd week (though thats often the same as 3rd date), 3rd month, 1yr+

So once you get past the 3rd month most men will start panicing, its now a question of how important is sex because its not coming anytime soon

azezil

3 months and no sex, man I'd have been tru that door after 1 month, that's my absolute limit, screw that waiting bull, waiting that long just puts unnecessary stress on the "big day" and you won't enjoy it as much as a result!

The sooner you start the sooner you get in tune with each other and thats when the real fun begins! BUYEAH *high fives AngryBadger*

LegacyUser

Unregwtf wrote:

On the button. This is her longest relationship too btw.Really dont know a "nice" way of bringing it up, without sounding like an asshole looking for sex Even though I do love her, I am definately not prepared to wait nearly that long.

I never mentioned that she went to GP about 5 weeks ago to "find out" about the pill, she got a perscription that is valid for 6 months. Personally, If the perscription runs out, and we still havn't slept together, even though I love her. I will just have to move on out of frustration.

Have you done other stuff together, hand mouth etc?
In all fairness you've only been with her three months, I obviously don't know your heart but it doesn't sound like you love her to me. You'll only love her if she does what you want, and that is not healthy.

I was with my fella for a year before we started getting it on properly.
Lots of hand and mouth stuff so no frustration there, but I was a virgin and the first time we tried (four months in... on holiday ...) it hurt me like hell so I was reluctant to try again.
I knew he was gearing up for it in the build up to the holiday and I knew he was gonna want it so it made me even more nervous.
It's possible she knows what you're thinking.
We're married now and do it every second day and it's great.
But I don't think you love your girl if you are thinking like that.

LegacyUser

'For people asking how far its gone only hand, no mouth! She even said that she would never ahem use mouth, I was shocked and said really? I'd try anything once, worst that can happen is you do like it, dont have to do it again" But she outright said no.'

the_syco

Unregwtf wrote:

'For people asking how far its gone only hand, no mouth! She even said that she would never ahem use mouth, I was shocked and said really? I'd try anything once, worst that can happen is you do like it, dont have to do it again" But she outright said no.'

Try going down on her, and take directions from her, as there's no directional signs down there.

LegacyUser

'

Unregwtf wrote:

'For people asking how far its gone only hand, no mouth! She even said that she would never ahem use mouth, I was shocked and said really? I'd try anything once, worst that can happen is you do like it, dont have to do it again" But she outright said no.'

She could change her mind in the future.
I think the longer we wait the more of a big deal it is. With me it was like "I've waited this long I might as well wait for Mr Right, not settle for Mr. Right Now"
And you ain't Mr Right for her by the sounds of things.

She could be nervous of doing giving head, she might think you won't respect her if she does it. Or what if she does it "wrong" or you don't like it and go telling everyone about it and how awful it was?

I mean you're the kind of guy who would leave her for not having sex so why should she want to give anything to you she'll regret. If she's anything like I was she is nervous of doing something and then getting ditched. She could be waiting to see how genuine your feelings are for her.

I'm not attacking you or anything, but maybe she just expects certain things from a relationship, like to be sure someone will love her for her, look after her if she gets pregnant be there for the long run, just like you have expectations of what you think a relationship should be.'

LegacyUser

true_love wrote:

'


I mean you're the kind of guy who would leave her for not having sex so why should she want to give anything to you she'll regret. If she's anything like I was she is NERVOUS OF DOING SOMETHING AND THEN GETTING DITCHED. She could be waiting to see how genuine your feelings are for her.

May only be together for 4 months, but my girlfriend isn't as shallow as you.




I did think about going down on her alright, but I dont know if she would allow me too, like, If I just did it she would prolly ask me to stop cause she may not be comfortable with it.