My brother appears to be wasting his life

vorbis

Bit of a sensitive topic to discuss within the family, just need to vent a bit.

While growing up, both myself and my brother were very quiet and withdrawn. College wise, nether of us had much of a social life. My brother did make more friends than I did but would rarely hang out with them or go out at the weekend.

After college, I moved away from home and over the last 2 and a half years and have gradually gotten more social. The thing is I was never really happen with being socially withdrawn. It never seems to affect my brother though.

He still lives at home (he's nearly 23) and about the only social thing he does is go out some Saturday nights with friends. It took years to even get him to do this on a regular basis. He does nothing else and I mean NOTHING of a social sense. He very rarely goes to the cinema, doesn't play sports anymore, hang out with friends during the week. His only activity is watching tv and sport on tv.

The only other time he might leave the house, besides work, is to go shopping by himself or with my mother. Due to not doing very much, he's saved quite a lot of money (40K +!)

Despite this, he has no holidays planned, no activities of any kind. The last two holidays he was on were planned completely by me and my sister. I now live in the US so can't really go on holidays with him any more. Thereotically, I could suggest a holiday but it takes a lot of effort to get him to do anything. His first answer to any activity suggestion is no.

Girl wise, he's never been with one and seems to have little desire to change that. The thing is that he tells me that he is happy with the way things are. I know that its his life to live but I just can't believe he is truly happy with his life as it is. Like regarding sex, he says its not an interest to him but I've seen some sites in the internet history that would suggest otherwise

Looking for opinions on what I could do to help him or should I just leave him alone?

drdre

He is only 23 so i think leave him alone for abit and he might get more sociable.Well hopefully

DaXiS

You say he goes out some saturday nights and see's his friends during the week.
So he's not totally socially withdrawn, Id just leave him be

the_syco

If he f**ked a girl after going out with the boys, why do you think he'd brag about it to you? Seriously? If not, then how do you know he didn't?

Peyton Manning

Maybe he's happy like this. Granted, it might not stay that way forever but appears to be quite content as it is, so just let him be. If he wants to change it, he will. Its his life, he can do what he wants with it.

vorbis

no Daxis he sees his friends when he goes out on a Saturday night. He never goes out at all during the week. Outside of a saturday night, he'd never meet up with any friends.

the_syco, i've asked my brother is if he was a virgin before and he said yes. Most guys wouldn't lie and say they are a virgin! Also, when I'm out with him and his friends, he can chat a bit in a small group (4 or less).

Any bigger group or if there is girls involved and he goes very very quiet. He's told me that he has kissed girls before but thats it. When I ask him why he didn't follow up on it, he tells me that he wasn't interested ??

AnonoBoy

Ok - a couple of things here.

He's only 23. Many people don't grow into themselves properly until their mid-20's or so. He may not be very comfortable in his skin at this stage. He's still a virgin, that's not a big deal - I'm sure the time will come for him, not that big a deal at the moment.

He's saved 40+???? That's incredible. I've never realised how much money I spent during my formative years. Presuming he doesn't have some ridiculously well-paying job then all this money has come from just regular saving due to him not going out socialising all that much.

With that sort of saving he could very well take at least a year out and live in style travelling the world. Something like that may well bring him out of his shell. Have you ever suggested anything like that to him?

All in all though, it is his life. All you can do is suggest things to him. It is, in the end, up to him to actually go out and do them.

Carrigart Exile

So, your brother is a law abiding hard working young man who likes to keep himself to himself and has managed to save himself €40k rather than p1ssing it up against a wall. Its all about different strokes mate.

Marksie

vorbis wrote:

Looking for opinions on what I could do to help him or should I just leave him alone?

Vorbis: Simple question///is he happy with himself and with his life?

If the answer is yes, then it is not for you to change it to suit your idea. If the answer is no, then it's up to your brother to change it according to what he wants

Steve_o

Marksie wrote:

If the answer is yes, then it is not for you to change it to suit your idea. If the answer is no, then it's up to your brother to change it according to what he wants

Agreed, you wouldn't like people telling you that you have to conform to some social ideal....leave him be, its his life!!!!

azezil

23 and has saved 40k!!

Holy ****, quite clearly he *isn't* wasting his life at all, if I could save that kinda money, hell I'd stay home all the time as well!

As for sex, the less you have the less you want it, seems odd but true.

chump

Carrigart Exile wrote:

So, your brother is a law abiding hard working young man who likes to keep himself to himself and has managed to save himself €40k rather than p1ssing it up against a wall. Its all about different strokes mate.

I agree - what's the issue here?

He doesn't live up to your standards and embarrasses you?

DublinWriter

You are not your brother's keeper.

Crucifix

If he's happy he's happy. The question of whether he's really happy might hang over you, but what can you do.

vorbis

firstly its all well and good that he's saved some money. I don't believe its a worthwhile thing to spend your entire youth on? Most of that money was saved while working a supermarket job. Imo, thats just sad. It becomes easier to save money when you get a career type job anyways. I'm 25 myself and have saved close to 40 K despite not really saving when I worked in a supermarket.

Secondly, he has no intentions to spend any of this money. Sure at the current rate he'll have a fortune when he's older but money isn't much good for company.

Being honest, I'd have to say that i'm more angry about the situation than anything else. I expect him to turn around at say 35 and expect him to say "what happened to my life, why haven't i done anything? why am I on my own?" At that stage i'll just be pissed off with him. I mean he tells me he has no interest in sex and then I find porn sites on the pc!!

I guess I just have to leave him be. Hopefully he is genuinely happy as he is. He better not come back to me in 10 years and say he's not happy

Drift

He'll more than likely change his perspectives in the next year or two. He's only 22 yet. Many people don't mature like that till their mid twenties. Maybe try broaching the subject at christmas if you're home. There's no need to force too much on him yet he's still got plenty of time.

fasterkitten

i don't really understand the problem.

he seems content enough - the fact that he admitted he's a virgin when he could have easily lied means he doesn't feel embarrassed about it (and why should he?)

his social life seems alright - a lot of people working full-time might not even go out every weekend.

and how do you know what he does during the week when you're on the other side of the world?

the most bewildering part of your 'problem' is that you're ANGRY incase, in THIRTEEN years he realises he's wasted his life and may irritate your future self by telling you this. sounds like you need to get a life.

Slutmonkey57b

vorbis wrote:

Girl wise, he's never been with one and seems to have little desire to change that. The thing is that he tells me that he is happy with the way things are. I know that its his life to live but I just can't believe he is truly happy with his life as it is. Like regarding sex, he says its not an interest to him but I've seen some sites in the internet history that would suggest otherwise

1: No man is going to discuss his sex life with his sister, unless he's a real wierdo.
2: OMG Bloke in "Looking at Porn Shokka" only in today's super soaraway Irish Star!
3: It's really none of your business. He's got a job, he's got a life, let him get on with it. It's not like he's unemployed and living with his mum at the age of 40.
4: Your angry, aggressive attitude of "Why aren't you out there scoring" is exactly why a lot of men find it difficult to do just that. All the onus is put on men to pursue and chase, and put themselves out there, knowing that they'll regularly get shot down or humiliated (mostly humiliated). It's not as easy for most guys as you seem to assume, and women have by far the easier end of the stick. Your pressuring him is not going to help his self esteem with women.
5: Have you considered he might be "teh gayzor" and doesn't want to admit it?

vorbis

I'm his brother Slutmonkey57b ???

And most guys I know do mention something about their social lives to their brother. We're not talking gory details here but if they went on a date or had scored the same girl a couple of times it might get mentioned. Tbh, this post isn't about women, if he went out more and generally did stuff with friends, that would be fine.

The prevailing attitude in my family as well is just to let him be. At what stage though does it go from "he will grow up in his own time" to "he's still living at home, has poor social skills and no life, maybe something needs to be done".

dellas1979

Sorry Vorbis, I actually got a suprise when you said you were his brother. I dont know why I thought you were female.......

You live in the states, could you not offer to bring him out for a week or two? What age are you?

I cant really see what the problem is............why are you worrying about something that might not happen? He COULD turn around at 35 and say "I have fu*ked up my life". He COULD turn around and say "I f*ckin love my life".

Why is it up to you to try and influence this???? Why?

Again, something with titles today, your thread title is a bit over dramatic as well.

How exactly is he wasting his life - at 23, moderate social life (like most people), and €40k in the bank?

BaZmO*

vorbis wrote:

if he went out more and generally did stuff with friends, that would be fine.

But where do you stop?
Say if he started to go out with a girl but you didn't like her or God forbid he started to spend some money on her, would you interfere then? Or if he started to hang around with a group of people you didn't like. Or bought a house in an area you didn't like?

It's his life and tbh it actually doesn't sound that bad especially considering that he has told you he's happy.

My sister's boyfriend is a bit of a tool (understatement!!) and most of the family think the same too but one thing that I've learned is that you don't get thanked for interfering and rightly so.

If he is not harming anybody and is holding done a job and is able to save 40k at the age of 23 is certainly doing something right. You can't project your wishes and values onto someone else. And for that matter, how exciting is your life? Maybe he thinks you're wasting yours. People have different outlooks and aspirations in life compared to others, it doesn't mean they are wrong or that they are wasting their lives it just means that they are different.

Oh and for the record, I never discuss my sex life my brother and I'd find it quite odd if he started to ask me about it.

vorbis

well I'd say you're in a mnority there BazmO*

Most friends of mine would know if there brother had been out with someone.

But where do you stop?
Say if he started to go out with a girl but you didn't like her or God forbid he started to spend some money on her, would you interfere then? Or if he started to hang around with a group of people you didn't like. Or bought a house in an area you didn't like?

That would be his own business and I have NEVER interfered with a friend's choice of girlfriend or group of friends. If a friend asks me my opinion on a girl he's going out with, I would talk her up.

My bother though is not near this situaiton. His social life is not moderate its minimal. He meets the same 5 guys each Saturday night, talks to just them, has a few drinks and goes home. During the following week, he usually will not see, hang out with, text or call a friend until going out the following Saturday night. The choice of bars is usually the same!

If you were 35, married and with kids there would be nothing wrong with the above. But he's not. I have invited him over to the States (he's the only family member not to have come over) but he just brushes it off. I realise that he might be happy but what 5 % of people his age would be happy with his current situation? Maybe he is one of those.

BaZmO*

vorbis wrote:

well I'd say you're in a mnority there BazmO*

Really?

vorbis wrote:

That would be his own business and I have NEVER interfered with a friend's choice of girlfriend or group of friends.

But yet you want to interfere with his other life choices?

vorbis wrote:

My bother though is not near this situaiton. His social life is not moderate its minimal. He meets the same 5 guys each Saturday night, talks to just them, has a few drinks and goes home. During the following week, he usually will not see, hang out with, text or call a friend until going out the following Saturday night. The choice of bars is usually the same!

I think you'll find that you've just described the weekly routine of lot people his age. Personally, at that age I was a lot more outgoing and was out a lot more but different strokes...

vorbis wrote:

I have invited him over to the States (he's the only family member not to have come over) but he just brushes it off. I realise that he might be happy but what 5 % of people his age would be happy with his current situation? Maybe he is one of those.

Can you not accept that?

Maybe at this stage he is feeling pestered by you?

I know that you have his best interests at heart and he's lucky to have a brother that cares so much for him but as I've said before you can't force your values or beliefs on someone else. If you keep at him he'll end up resenting you for it and then he won't tell you anything. And yes, maybe he will wake up when he's 35 and regret not being more outgoing but it's his life. Hell, I regret not taking that DJing job in Spain when I was 23 but that's life. We all have regrets. All you can is be there for him.

dellas1979

Holy god.......



Just what is your problem? You are the one creating problems if you ask me.

He says he is happy......all you can do is, if the occasion ever arises, is to let him know that you are there for him.

I would appreciate that from an older sibling, rather than have one of them "tell" me what to do.

If you push too hard, you are going to break something.

You are going to give him a complex that he is not "normal" when, in his eyes, he is perfectly ok.

Are you getting the picture yet???????

Slutmonkey57b

vorbis wrote:

I'm his brother Slutmonkey57b ??

Honestly, that comes as a big suprise. In any case, it appears he's not going to change his ways under pressure from you, so you might as well leave him to it.