He won't commit

LegacyUser

Hi all, regular user of boards but going unreg for this. Problem is with my boyfriend. We have been together for over 3 years and have been very happy together. Many of our friends have been getting engaged lately and though this doesn't bother me my fella's reaction when people say things like 'the pressure is on now' or 'you're next now' is starting to worry me.

He gets really uncomfortable, practically goes pale and makes lame jokes about why we can't. Truth is there is no barrier in our way, we already own an apartment together and could afford to get married if we wanted. I just don't think he will ever commit. He says things along the lines of some day but truth is there is nothing stopping us.

My gut feeling is that much and all as he would like me to be the person he will marry, I think he is delaying marrying me in case something better comes along. He is really upsetting me coz I want to marry him, I want to commit to him and him alone but its starting to look like the only thing that would get him up the aisle is when the time comes he feels he has no more excuses.

Carrigart Exile

hewontcommit wrote:

Hi all, regular user of boards but going unreg for this. Problem is with my boyfriend. We have been together for over 3 years and have been very happy together. Many of our friends have been getting engaged lately and though this doesn't bother me my fella's reaction when people say things like 'the pressure is on now' or 'you're next now' is starting to worry me.

He gets really uncomfortable, practically goes pale and makes lame jokes about why we can't. Truth is there is no barrier in our way, we already own an apartment together and could afford to get married if we wanted. I just don't think he will ever commit. He says things along the lines of some day but truth is there is nothing stopping us.

My gut feeling is that much and all as he would like me to be the person he will marry, I think he is delaying marrying me in case something better comes along. He is really upsetting me coz I want to marry him, I want to commit to him and him alone but its starting to look like the only thing that would get him up the aisle is when the time comes he feels he has no more excuses.

what in teh name of Gawd makes you think he is waiting for something better?

tinkerbell

After three years together, you should probably have a chat about where the relationship is going. That way you can see if he has the same wants as you (i.e. settle down, kids etc). At least then you know if he does or not. I think that chat would be good for you and then whenever ye get engaged will be the right time for you both. I think that three years is too soon to get engaged, but each to their own I guess.

LegacyUser

oh my god will you stop!! So what if he doesnt want to commit yet.... dont force him. My girlfriend every once in a while jokes about getting married and yeah i play it as being a joke and laugh but i know she is testing the water and I HATE it.. I dont want to be forced to commit, i want to do it when Im damn ready. It has nothing to do with looking around for somone else....

Dont force the chap

LegacyUser

Carrigart Exile wrote:

what in teh name of Gawd makes you think he is waiting for something better?

Just a feeling I get from him. Back at the start of our relationship it came out one night that he thought I was batting above my weight going out with him. He didn't get a whole pile of attention from the opposite sex before when he was younger but he is a much more confident person now and the attention is starting to come and thats what gives me that feeling.

metrovelvet

OhDearGod wrote:

oh my god will you stop!! So what if he doesnt want to commit yet.... dont force him. My girlfriend every once in a while jokes about getting married and yeah i play it as being a joke and laugh but i know she is testing the water and I HATE it.. I dont want to be forced to commit, i want to do it when Im damn ready. It has nothing to do with looking around for somone else....

Dont force the chap

Because time is a woman's enemy. Don't you guys get it?

Chinafoot

tinkerbell wrote:

I think that three years is too soon to get engaged,

Totally agree.

You own an apartment together. That's a pretty big commitment tbh.

You sound like you're desperate to marry him out of fear of him legging it with someone else. That's really not a good reason to do it.

seamus

hewontcommit wrote:

Just a feeling I get from him. Back at the start of our relationship it came out one night that he thought I was batting above my weight going out with him. He didn't get a whole pile of attention from the opposite sex before when he was younger but he is a much more confident person now and the attention is starting to come and thats what gives me that feeling.

Did he actually say that, or is that the conclusion you mistakenly jumped to after an innocent comment on his part? I'm not criticising you, but many women in a fragile or paranoid state will often irrationally jump to conclusions that absolutely could not had been inferred from a partner's comments.
E.g
"You've eaten a lot today."
"So you're saying I'm fat!"

What age are you both? This has a massive bearing on what you both expect from a relationship.

LegacyUser

No he actually said the words. I was hurt and shocked at the time.

A mortgage together means sweet f*@K all. Both of us just wanted to get on the property ladder and knew the other person was our ticket to realising that goal. A house is very easily sold.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote:

Totally agree.

You own an apartment together. That's a pretty big commitment tbh.

You sound like you're desperate to marry him out of fear of him legging it with someone else. That's really not a good reason to do it.

No all I want to know is that it is something he wants to do with me. As I said I want to commit to him and I would like to know that this is something he wants to do without the vagueness of 'some day', and 'in the future'.

I know many couples in long term relationships that have plans to marry and have discussed it in great detail. Usually though its money or other things that need to be accomplished first that stand in their way. My problem is a) he won't discuss it and gets really uncomfortable when its mentioned and b) He is so utterly vague, could be 5, 10 or 15 years before anything happens.

Oh and he would def not liked to be asked! I think he is old school on that count.

LegacyUser

Both in late twenties

takola

Why is it so important to get married? You guys have been together for 3 years and have an apartment together. That's a pretty big commitment as far as I can see. And from the look of your first post you seem to want to get married because all your friends are doing it? I think (and I'm not making an attack on you) you seem to have low self confidence and it seems like you're just terrified he's going to go off with someone else. That's not reason to get married. And I think alot of that would be your own issue and not his. Has he given you reason to doubt him?

Maybe you guys need to sit down and talk about where your relationship is going. I don't think 3 years is very long at all tbh and I don't think I would even consider buying an apartment with someone I've only been with that long. So I really don't see why it would be so important to get married so early. Maybe I'm a commitment phobe!

LegacyUser

takola wrote:

Why is it so important to get married? You guys have been together for 3 years and have an apartment together. That's a pretty big commitment as far as I can see. And from the look of your first post you seem to want to get married because all your friends are doing it? I think (and I'm not making an attack on you) you seem to have low self confidence and it seems like you're just terrified he's going to go off with someone else. That's not reason to get married. And I think alot of that would be your own issue and not his. Has he given you reason to doubt him?

Maybe you guys need to sit down and talk about where your relationship is going. I don't think 3 years is very long at all tbh and I don't think I would even consider buying an apartment with someone I've only been with that long. So I really don't see why it would be so important to get married so early. Maybe I'm a commitment phobe!

I have posted something already about owning an apartment so I will just wait for that to come up. As I said in the opening lines of my original post my prob is not that all his friends are getting married, my problem is the way he has been reacting to the suggestion of getting married. He is positively terrified of it but yet has no obvious reason to be, as in his parents are happily married, he hasn't come out of any long destructive relationships,the usual things that make people very very wary about commitment.

I am concerned coz I feel he is stalling and I would like to know if he has any intention of every settling down or will this evolve into a 10 year relationship. I would like a marriage. Call me old fashioned. The wedding doesn't concern me. I would elope tomorrow. I just want to commit to him as the only person I want to be with and I would like the same back be it next year or the year after. I would just like to know that it will happen sometime this decade.

Someone once said to me if you know the person is for you, why wait if there are no obstacles in your way.

Chinafoot

hewontcommit wrote:

Someone once said to me if you know the person is for you, why wait if there are no obstacles in your way.

And equally, if you know a person is for you why be in such a hurry to make them do something they clearly aren't ready for and risk pushing them away?

Besides, there is an obstacle in your way. A very big one in fact. He's not ready. Surely that's the most important thing when it comes to marriage - you both need to be ready. That's not to say that he'll never be ready or that he doesn't think things will last with you, but if you make a massive issue out of this without even trying to see it from his side then you're most likely going to push him away.

You've been together three years. Three. If you had come here saying you had been together 8+ years then I might think you had a point but, lets be honest here, 3 years is not that long.

You want to marry him and thats great that you love him so much, but don't expect him to be in the same hurry you are to rush down the aisle. What's the rush? You can still have a loving, secure and committed relationship without getting married.

It really sounds like you want a marriage for all the wrong reasons. You seem insecure in the relationship and thats something you should be working on before you even consider something as serious as marriage.

Carrigart Exile

hewontcommit wrote:

Just a feeling I get from him. Back at the start of our relationship it came out one night that he thought I was batting above my weight going out with him. He didn't get a whole pile of attention from the opposite sex before when he was younger but he is a much more confident person now and the attention is starting to come and thats what gives me that feeling.

He thought you were fortunate to being going out with him because he is too good for you, did I read that right :eek: Dump the arrogant sod

Carrigart Exile

metrovelvet wrote:

Because time is a woman's enemy. Don't you guys get it?

And being a divorced dad is financial and emotional suicide for a man.

metrovelvet

^ And its so much ****ing fun for a woman.

hunnymonster

OP, does your partner understand how big an issue this is for you? If so and he still avoids the issue then you have to do some serious thinking. If you want to continue in the relationship you are going to have to work out how to deal with not getting married and remaining happy with this man. If that is too big a thing for you to look past then you have to seriously consider getting out of the relationship. Life is too short to be miserable and if you can't get over this you might well become consumed by it. In this life we coan only control what we think and do ourselves not others.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote:

It really sounds like you want a marriage for all the wrong reasons. You seem insecure in the relationship and thats something you should be working on before you even consider something as serious as marriage.

I knew people would think I'm wanting to get married for all the wrong reasons. I have trust issues with him (he has never cheated but has done some things that have shaken my confidence in him).

Before someone jumps on that as my reason for wanting to get married its not. I am not naive enough to believe that getting engaged or married is going to make me trust him more. How the f**k am I meant to sort out these trust issues when I don't have the foggiest how to? Can anyone offer me some practical advice???

dirtydress

I dont think the issue here is her wanting to get married, its his no wanting to even talk about it. OP, you need to sit him down and have a talk about your relationship, explain you and dont necessarily want a commitment right now but you do need to know where the relationship is going. I know this is difficult because you can be scared of what he might say but you cant go on never knowing for sure.

angeldelight

Have you actually spoken to him about it? It seems, if I read your original post recently that this whole big crisis you're having is based on how your bf reacts to when his friends are slagging him...

If it is a big deal to you to get married, or at least know that there's a definite absolute intention to get married, then you really do need to talk to him. Maybe he is thinking himself well 5 years down the road... maybe he isn't thinking about it at all... there's no point driving yourself mad trying to second guess him.

For people who are saying 3 years isn't that long, I do agree but if e.g. it's a big deal for the OP to have kids in her early thirties and she wants to be married before that, if she waits til she's with him 8 years and she's in her late twenties now I can see that she might be worrying about suddenly finding out then that it's not going anywhere!

Chinafoot

angeldelight wrote:

For people who are saying 3 years isn't that long, I do agree but if e.g. it's a big deal for the OP to have kids in her early thirties and she wants to be married before that, if she waits til she's with him 8 years and she's in her late twenties now I can see that she might be worrying about suddenly finding out then that it's not going anywhere!

Such is the nature of relationships. Would she rather he reassured her that they will get married down the line even though he's not sure? Or would she rather things ended now because she wants a marriage commitment that he's not ready to give right now after three years of a relationship?

Maybe he does want to marry her but doesn't see any rush. He shouldn't be forced into something because she has her life planned out and things have to be done before a certain time.

LegacyUser

After three years of being with someone she is entitled to know what the score is.
As someone else stated, time is a woman's enemy, and its true to an extent. While you wasters can wait around to impregnate a twenty year old at the ripe old age of fifty women can't necessarily , and they are well aware of this, hence them mostly being the marriage instigators.
It's a fact of life, denying it and making it out like someone is being pushy is not understanding the basics of biology. Women are aware of the time line, especially if they want kids, and it tends to dawn on them when they hit their late twenties.

To the OP talk to him seriously about it. Then make a decision.

Chinafoot

eek wrote:

After three years of being with someone she is entitled to know what the score is.
As someone else stated, time is a woman's enemy, and its true to an extent. While you wasters can wait around to impregnate a twenty year old at the ripe old age of fifty women can't necessarily , and they are well aware of this, hence them mostly being the marriage instigators.
It's a fact of life, denying it and making it out like someone is being pushy is not understanding the basics of biology. Women are aware of the time line, especially if they want kids, and it tends to dawn on them when they hit their late twenties.

Not once on this thread has the OP mentioned having children. I'm a woman in my mid twenties and I would like to have a child before I'm thirty. However, that is not to say that I'm going to 100% do it at that time regardless of my circumstances and the wishes of my partner. The OP is in her late 20's, not her later 30's. I'd accept your point if it was the latter and if she had even once mentioned wanting to have children within the next few years.

If anything this thread has brought out the real issue. That being

hewontcommit wrote:

How the f**k am I meant to sort out these trust issues when I don't have the foggiest how to? Can anyone offer me some practical advice???

Do any of you really think that someone with self-confessed "trust issues" should be in a hurry to marry their partner?

OP: you need to deal with the trust stuff before even contemplating walking down the aisle. A serious conversation needs to be had with your other half and you need to be honest with how you feel. Tell him about those instances that have rocked your confidence and try to come to some understanding between you both in relation to where things stand in the relationship.

Carrigart Exile

metrovelvet wrote:

^ And its so much ****ing fun for a woman.

Not meaning to digress from the OP, but the woman tends to get the weans, the dog, the house, his pension, one third his wages and to play with his head over 'access' to his own children.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice people. I know the trust issues need to be sorted out before anything of the sort but I have no intention of getting married anytime soon, I would just like some reassurance from my other half that its something he would like and that it might happen over next few years. I want to find out what is at the root of this apparent fear of commitment. Whether its that he doesn't think our relationship is heading that way or he just hasn't thought of it.

On the topic of children, yes its something I would like very much and hopefully some time in my early thirties if at all possible.

Marksie

carrigart exile: I know you didn't want to drag it off topic
BUT
Folks, stick to the OP issue please.

Who and who doesn't get shafted in a divorce is for another thread/forum

Carrigart Exile

Marksie wrote:

carrigart exile: I know you didn't want to drag it off topic
BUT
Folks, stick to the OP issue please.

Who and who doesn't get shafted in a divorce is for another thread/forum

Fair play Marksie, sorry. My spleen has been vented:D

Tar.Aldarion

A piece of paper won't make your relationship more stable, no need to rush him.

Beruthiel

If he has been with you for 3 years and bought a home with you, then he already has committed. Speaking from experience, a piece of paper won't make a blind bit of difference either way.
If you are happy to be with him, at the end of the day that's all that counts.

dellas1979

Dont think you are being unreasonable at all wanting to know the lay of the land, you know what you want. But it doesnt sound like he knows what he wants.

I dont know exactly know what to say, but I do know pushing someone to make a decision isnt really good either.

So, I think that you do need to say something in a general sort of fashion and let it go from there.

You need to be aware also that what if he turns around and says "I cant commit.....". Prepare yourself for this also.

As for those comments he made to you, does it not make you feel insecure?

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote:

Dont think you are being unreasonable at all wanting to know the lay of the land, you know what you want. But it doesnt sound like he knows what he wants.

I dont know exactly know what to say, but I do know pushing someone to make a decision isnt really good either.

So, I think that you do need to say something in a general sort of fashion and let it go from there.

You need to be aware also that what if he turns around and says "I cant commit.....". Prepare yourself for this also.

As for those comments he made to you, does it not make you feel insecure?

When I mention those comments to him now he says they were way back at the start of things and he feels alot differently now than he did then. I was hurt but truth be told I prob felt a little bit of the same myself, not that he was batting above his weight but that he was lucky to have me.

I am insecure and I think alot of it stems from that comment.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
Difficult spot when your are ready and your partner isn't. However you can't force him. However I know after three years I would like to know if someone had any intention to marry. You need to establish whether its a case of he just isn't ready yet or whether it is that he just never wants to get married. So before you have the talk you have to make a decision whether you are willing to stick it out and wait for him to change his mind or get into that place if he says that he just isn't ready yet and what you want to do if he says he never wants to get married. I broke up with an ex after we had that chat as it turned out that he didn't ever see himself married or with kids (well what he said was he would get married and have kids if he really had to - wtf?) Well I decided that marriage and kids were really important to me and so we called it a day...just decide what it is you really want out of life. My situation was tho that I couldn't continue a relationship knowing that it was never a future option...

rockbeer

Why do you regard marriage as such an important sign of his committment?

I've no intention whatsoever of marrying my gf (or anyone else for that matter ), but am totally committed to her for the long haul.

What I'm saying here is that it's not necessarily about you - perhaps your bloke just doesn't want to get married, full stop. Not everybody does. Have you actually asked him, or are you just assuming that marriage is the inevitable next step?

LegacyUser

rockbeer wrote:

Why do you regard marriage as such an important sign of his committment?

I've no intention whatsoever of marrying my gf (or anyone else for that matter ), but am totally committed to her for the long haul.

What I'm saying here is that it's not necessarily about you - perhaps your bloke just doesn't want to get married, full stop. Not everybody does. Have you actually asked him, or are you just assuming that marriage is the inevitable next step?

He does want to be married some day. He knows I want to have kids in my early thirties. One day when we were talking about a long term couple, friends of ours, who are planning to have a kid soon but have no intention of getting married he let it slip that he would prefer to have kids within a marriage. That surprised me.

Marksie

hewontcommit wrote:

I am insecure and I think alot of it stems from that comment.

Then how has he acted since that comment? You say he has done things that have shaken you? How much is that you are dwelling on what he said?

Did you tell him what you thought of it at the time?

Certainly women i know, would have told him where to go if he had said that to them. TBH that is no way to commence a relationship.

ntlbell

How the f**k am I meant to sort out these trust issues when I don't have the foggiest how to? Can anyone offer me some practical advice???

see a relationship counselor?

Talk the issue's over with him? explain to him how you're feeling?

I'm in a similar situation as your boyfriend, my guess is the situtation is not very uncommon these day's.

Why do you actually want to get married?

You seem bright enough to work out that a peice of paper means very little these days and it's so way to be sure you're going to stay together.

So what are your actuall reasons for getting married?

metrovelvet

To all these "its just a piece of paper" pundits. If its not such a big deal, then why wont he do it?

Why, because he DOESNT WANT TO? Why should he? He's getting everything he needs out of the relationship without the legal and community covenant.

OP tell him to **** or get off the pot. Give YOURSELF a time limit on how long you are willing to put up with this. Before you know it you will be 30 and your chances of marrying half.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote:

Then how has he acted since that comment? You say he has done things that have shaken you? How much is that you are dwelling on what he said?

Did you tell him what you thought of it at the time?

Certainly women i know, would have told him where to go if he had said that to them. TBH that is no way to commence a relationship.

No it wasn't but I was guilty of the same thing to an extent. He's a really short guy and had told me alot of women wouldn't even look at him coz of it. In my head I thought he was lucky that I was with him coz it was a big deal for me to go with someone shorter as I've always gone for tall men and his height was an obstacle at first but I'm well over that.

I suppose I gave him a second chance coz I felt I was guilty of the same. I was furious at the time but he wheedled out of me that in fact I felt pretty much the same about him and he felt he was justified on that grounds.

LegacyUser

ntlbell wrote:

You seem bright enough to work out that a peice of paper means very little these days and it's so way to be sure you're going to stay together.

So what are your actuall reasons for getting married?

All the reasons I have in my head seem to lame when I put them down on the screen. I always considered myself to be 50:50 on the marriage front, that it would take someone special for me to even consider marriage. But since we are very happy together 90% of the time (excusing his stupidity on occasion!!!) and I've never met anyone who's company I enjoy as much I have come around to it. None of my close mates are married so its not like I'm feeling the burn from that quarter. I just started feeling that I would like to marry this guy about a year ago.

Never felt it before and I had been in a couple of long termers.

Iago

metrovelvet wrote:

To all these "its just a piece of paper" pundits. If its not such a big deal, then why wont he do it?

Why, because he DOESNT WANT TO? Why should he? He's getting everything he needs out of the relationship without the legal and community covenant.

OP tell him to **** or get off the pot. Give YOURSELF a time limit on how long you are willing to put up with this. Before you know it you will be 30 and your chances of marrying half.

From the point of view of what it gives you as a couple it is just a piece of paper.

They already live together, they own the property jointly and probably have joint finances. Outside of some expensive jewellery for their fingers and maybe the change of a monogram, what difference does it really make?

As for the chances of marrying halving, that's only relevant if they don't stay together and even then with so many people choosing careers over families in this generation there are far more men in their late twenties to mid thirties who aren't involved in relationships than in previous generations.

btw, I'm getting married this year, so I'm not anti-marraige. I still think it's just a piece of paper though. My wife to be feels the same way, but we've both agreed that we might as well do it as opposed to feeling the need to. Neither of us doubts that we'll be together anyway, and neither of us believes that getting married will make our relationship any stronger or happier.

seamus

metrovelvet wrote:

Why, because he DOESNT WANT TO? Why should he? He's getting everything he needs out of the relationship without the legal and community covenant.

Or perhaps he doesn't want to, right now. Why should he have to do it, right now? Marraige is a big deal. It will consume their spare time for the best part of a 18 months (assuming that's how long their engagement will be), and also consume the bulk of their disposable income for that period too.

Perhaps he's just enjoying living with her, having some spare cash to enjoy a few drinks at the weekend, and bring her out for a nice meal every now and again. It's nice to have spare cash available, and it's tough to give that up, particularly if you already have committed your resources to something else huge, such as a house.

Men tend to be more practical about these things, whereas women tend to be more romantic. A man won't entertain the notion of marriage if he's going to spend the next five years with nothing to spare. A woman will because marriage may lie higher in her priorities than spare cash.

No it wasn't but I was guilty of the same thing to an extent. He's a really short guy and had told me alot of women wouldn't even look at him coz of it. In my head I thought he was lucky that I was with him coz it was a big deal for me to go with someone shorter as I've always gone for tall men and his height was an obstacle at first but I'm well over that.

OK, I'm a little confused now. He told you, "You are too good of a woman for me", and you got mad at him? Or is it that you thought you were too good for him, he thought he was too good for you, but only he was dumb enough to say it?

metrovelvet

Im sorry I dont get the connection between marriage and spare cash. Are you getting the ceremony confused with the lifelong institution?

Marksie

hewontcommit wrote:

No it wasn't but I was guilty of the same thing to an extent. He's a really short guy and had told me alot of women wouldn't even look at him coz of it. In my head I thought he was lucky that I was with him coz it was a big deal for me to go with someone shorter as I've always gone for tall men and his height was an obstacle at first but I'm well over that.

I suppose I gave him a second chance coz I felt I was guilty of the same. I was furious at the time but he wheedled out of me that in fact I felt pretty much the same about him and he felt he was justified on that grounds.

So you told him that he was (quite literally in this context) beneath you. And now?
how have you both affirmed that you are not beneath each other and are in fact equals?

Anyways... as one poster said..have you actually discussed this with your partner yet? he is the only one who after all who can answer the questions.

Metrovelvet: some of these paper pundits have been through the hoop once and are aware of the value (or non-value) of it and posing the question why should he?.. then why should he be forced? I have known established ostensibly happy relationships collapse under the weight of a little piece of paper and of course you are projecting your own bias into anothers thinking as until the exact reasons for his lack of wanting a piece of paper to prove commitment are explored, it is all guesswork

LegacyUser

seamus wrote:

OK, I'm a little confused now. He told you, "You are too good of a woman for me", and you got mad at him? Or is it that you thought you were too good for him, he thought he was too good for you, but only he was dumb enough to say it?

He thought he was too good for me and I thought coz he was short he was lucky to have me! All a bit confusing I know. That was back almost 3 years ago and things have changed alot since but I think that comment made me very insecure.

metrovelvet

^ Ok. But what Im saying is that it's "not just a piece of paper." Its a BIG deal.

seamus

metrovelvet wrote:

Im sorry I dont get the connection between marriage and spare cash. Are you getting the ceremony confused with the lifelong institution?

Nope. I'm mentioning the ceremony as a significant obstacle to actually getting married. A bog standard traditional wedding in Ireland will cost you upwards of €20,000. You can go on and on about the ceremony being insignificant and unimportant above the actual act, but the fact is that most young Irish women will not get married without a church ceremony and a nice dinner and party afterwards. Affording that is hard enough when you're not saving for a house or paying a mortgage.

We're also forgetting that there may also be a machismo aspect to the boyfriend's reactions. There's a perception common among young men that if you're talking about marraige or children before they've actually been decided upon, then you're somehow "whipped". Inside, the boyfriend may have a full plan done out, but when challenged on the subject he feigns embarrasment/evasion in order to not lose face.

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

Because time is a woman's enemy. Don't you guys get it?

...oh we do, but it's your problem not ours. There is nothing more unattractive in a partner than panic. (and I guess that cuts both ways)

Be aware, if you force him into a corner, you could be fast tracking the end of your relationship.

LegacyUser

Big wedding is not important to me. Its promising to love and be faithful to the other person for the rest of my life that is. Hence I would elope in the morning but in one of the rare times we were chatting about weddings (not our wedding just general weddings you understand!!) he more or less said eloping would be no fun and why would people do it? I was like to save a bloody fortune thats why!

Izzyone

OhDearGod wrote:

oh my god will you stop!! So what if he doesnt want to commit yet.... dont force him. My girlfriend every once in a while jokes about getting married and yeah i play it as being a joke and laugh but i know she is testing the water and I HATE it.. I dont want to be forced to commit, i want to do it when Im damn ready. It has nothing to do with looking around for somone else....

Dont force the chap

Just a thought, but could this be your partner?????

Marksie

herwontcommit wrote:

things have changed alot since but I think that comment made me very insecure.

and is he insecure because of it? It is beginning to look like despite where you are now, you cannot let what was said go.
That is YOUR issue to resolve first as unless you do, it will continue to haunt you.