tell her or not

LegacyUser

I recently started going out with a girl from work who was on a break from her long term boyfriend. She hasn't been happy in the relationship for quite a while now and the spark between us was too much for us to ignore. I made the first move in telling her how I felt and she relayed the feelings and respected me for my honest in admitting it to her. We spent alot of time together and grew very close and she continuously talked about how happy I made her etc. and how she hadn't been happy in a long time. All of a sudden she went back to her boyfriend. She lives nearby to her boyfriend and because of their history and family ties she has gone back to him. We still talk and get on but it understandably hasn't been the same since she got back with him. The thing is, I still really care about her and have been told she still isn't getting on with the boyfriend. I want to tell her how I feel but don't know if I should or not. If I don't I'll probably regret not saying anything, if I do, I run the risk of losing her as a friend altogether. What should I do?

humanji

Best let it be. It's her life and she's made her choice.

Stabshauptmann

You're not friends. I'm not trying to have a go at you or anything; but if you have romantic or sexual feelings for someone then you are not friends. You cannot be friends. You will only torture yourself.

Though that being said its not in your interests to tell her at the moment. She knows where you stand, you have nothing to gain from telling her more; but she might think less of you. Wait and see what happens

LegacyUser

whatshouldido wrote:

I recently started going out with a girl from work who was on a break from her long term boyfriend. She hasn't been happy in the relationship for quite a while now and the spark between us was too much for us to ignore. I made the first move in telling her how I felt and she relayed the feelings and respected me for my honest in admitting it to her. We spent alot of time together and grew very close and she continuously talked about how happy I made her etc. and how she hadn't been happy in a long time. All of a sudden she went back to her boyfriend. She lives nearby to her boyfriend and because of their history and family ties she has gone back to him. We still talk and get on but it understandably hasn't been the same since she got back with him. The thing is, I still really care about her and have been told she still isn't getting on with the boyfriend. I want to tell her how I feel but don't know if I should or not. If I don't I'll probably regret not saying anything, if I do, I run the risk of losing her as a friend altogether. What should I do?

To be honest, your a bit of a fool. You don't go near vulnerable girls who are on a break/not on a break with their boyfriends. You set urself up for the fall. You will be the one who will be played and that is exactly what has happened.

She has played you. You are out of the picture. Don't ever let a girl walk over you like this again. Shame on you.

Oryx

cheesedude wrote:

To be honest, your a bit of a fool. You don't go near vulnerable girls who are on a break/not on a break with their boyfriends. You set urself up for the fall. You will be the one who will be played and that is exactly what has happened.

She has played you. You are out of the picture. Don't ever let a girl walk over you like this again. Shame on you.

Harsh.

You started something with this girl when she was confused. While she may like you, she decided to go back to her ex, thats where she felt she belonged. If you pursue her anymore, youre probably flogging a dead horse, she has chosen him, not you.

Just be a friend to her if you can. If you cant, im afraid you need to walk away.

LegacyUser

It's not harsh. Why should you continue to be friends with a girl who got close to you/brought you in and then pushed you away?

To hell with her.

Oryx

cheesedude wrote:

It's not harsh. Why should you continue to be friends with a girl who got close to you/brought you in and then pushed you away?

To hell with her.

I dont mean to be personal with you cheesedude, it just struck me that the op is probably in love with this girl and doesnt seem the type to say to hell with her. Not everyone can. I dont think hes been played for a fool at all, they both just got tangled up in something that was emotionally messy, and didnt work out.

Edit: your advice not to go near vulnerable girls who are on a break is very valid tho!

LegacyUser

KtK wrote:

I dont mean to be personal with you cheesedude, it just struck me that the op is probably in love with this girl and doesnt seem the type to say to hell with her. Not everyone can. I dont think hes been played for a fool at all, they both just got tangled up in something that was emotionally messy, and didnt work out.

If you don't call getting close to someone to the extent where your an item and then her to tell you bla bla bla how happy you make me bla bla bla and then just drop you like a hot cake for the man she is still going out with, if you don't call that being played for a fool than your clearly missing a few brain cells.

He got tangled up in this mess because he let himself do it...shame on the girl for playing him but shame on him for not copping on that a girl who is already in an emotional mess should be kept away from.

Thirdly, if he is in love with this girl, then hate that, because i don't believe you can fall in love with someone who treats you like that and in such a short period of time.

Black Swan

No matter what you call it... taking a "break" or breaking up, the girl was on the rebound. There are hazards with such people, speaking from experience. One of the likelihoods was that she would go back to her b/f, which was what she did in this case.

Partizan

whatshouldido wrote:

I recently started going out with a girl from work who was on a break from her long term boyfriend. She hasn't been happy in the relationship for quite a while now and the spark between us was too much for us to ignore. I made the first move in telling her how I felt and she relayed the feelings and respected me for my honest in admitting it to her. We spent alot of time together and grew very close and she continuously talked about how happy I made her etc. and how she hadn't been happy in a long time. All of a sudden she went back to her boyfriend. She lives nearby to her boyfriend and because of their history and family ties she has gone back to him. We still talk and get on but it understandably hasn't been the same since she got back with him. The thing is, I still really care about her and have been told she still isn't getting on with the boyfriend. I want to tell her how I feel but don't know if I should or not. If I don't I'll probably regret not saying anything, if I do, I run the risk of losing her as a friend altogether. What should I do?

Well buddy I know how you feel. In June of last year I met a Latvian lady and things hit off very quickly. When she started college last September it put a big strain on our relationship as she was working was well which meant that we didnt see each other as often as we should. I stuck with her and helped her out of her difficulties. I went out of my way to show how I loved her, even helped her with her exams and assignments, bought her a lovely Xmas present and had flowers delievred to her in work. I even paid for a weekend away for the both of us for the Valentines.

Around late February I got a text from her to say that she wanted some time to be alone. I respected her wishes and got back with her at the end of March. She came to stay over in my place more often and I thought everything was on track until she informed me that her ex had come back into her life, proposed marriage to her and that she had accepted. We broke finally last week, nearly breaking my heart. However like you I now realise that I was simply played the fool and that I was simply the rebound. She was with this guy for 3 years but broke up 2 years ago. It became obvious to me that they were still in contact and that she was with him last year when she went back home last August. She never told me why she broke it up with this guy initially but obvious now that she never fully got over him. Well to cut a long story short I'm left picking up the pieces, she's with him and that we departed in very unamicable terms.

You know it would be so easy to feel so sorry for yourself but hey, get over it and say to yourself that she wasnt the right person for you. You are the better for it. Simply move on and sure enough someone will come knocking

skyhighflyer

One word mate: Run. Run like fcuk away from this girl. I was in a very similar situation for a while and it probably counts as the most head-wrecking time of my life. The only thing that made it better was to cut off all contact with her. A very difficult thing to do because I thoght I loved this girl too but you'll realise. I'm glad I experienced it once because it taught me never to be "that guy" again.

If she liked you that much she'd choose to be with you. It's that simple. She likes the other guy more, hence she picked him. You can agonise all you want as to why she picked him, you'll never know. Just move on. I know it's hard, but you need to just get out and try to forget about her.

There's absolutely NO CHANCE you can be friends with her in this situation. So just drop it and move on. She was looking for a cuddle bitch to make her feel better before she could go back to the arms of the bf, and you were a willing victim. If a girl has a problem with her bf, that's what her girlfriends/ gay guy friends are for. Not you.

Stabshauptmann

Or guys that have her low on their ladder ofcourse

Slow Motion

skyhighflyer wrote:

If she liked you that much she'd choose to be with you. It's that simple. She likes the other guy more, hence she picked him. You can agonise all you want as to why she picked him, you'll never know. Just move on. I know it's hard, but you need to just get out and try to forget about her.

There's absolutely NO CHANCE you can be friends with her in this situation. So just drop it and move on.

Yup I was that guy too, Move on asap and cut all contact, it's what saved me from going nuts (we worked together so I quit the job as well). Now I have found someone who really does want to be with me and couldn't be happier

Stabshauptmann

Though ladder theory has its flaws and is meant as satire, I still think it has some gems and everyone should read it

Wibbs

One word; Rebound. I think most are in agreement here. Worn the tee shirt.

I now make it a policy never to go out with someone straight after they break from a longterm, "big love" relationship. It almost never works.

1. They can't be over the boyfriend yet.
2. If they are, it meant that they were living a lie with him before you showed up and they jumped ship. Not good.
3. They haven't had time to be just themselves so at best you're a crutch until they find someone else. You're a safety net for their insecurity more often than not.
4. they aren't mature enough to not be in a relationship. again not good.
5. A hell of a lot of the time they will go back to the old partner, especially if they're still around. Their ex also has an advantage as he/she knows them better and know which buttons to press.
6. The grass(you) is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
7. They will be comparing you to the ex a lot(refer to number 1). Maybe not always at first, but when the gloss wears off, they will.

Hey first time I made a list. Go me.:D

Anyone reading this saying, "but we're different". I hope you're right, but be mindful.

Because of this I also have a rule not to get anyway serious about someone new until I've been alone long enough to move on from my ex. It's good for me and for any future partner.

In my years, I have only ever seen one of these relationships work out for any length of time and guess what she dumped him for the previous ex 3 years later.:eek:

Mighty_Mouse

because of their history and family ties she has gone back to him.

If thats really the reason shes dating someone then shes a muppet and your best off without.
Alternatively its a little white lie to protect your feelings.
I reckon you've been given the run around mate.
If it was me I wouldnt bother with either friend or lovin relationship

Partizan

Wibbs wrote:

One word; Rebound. I think most are in agreement here. Worn the tee shirt.

I now make it a policy never to go out with someone straight after they break from a longterm, "big love" relationship. It almost never works.

1. They can't be over the boyfriend yet.
2. If they are, it meant that they were living a lie with him before you showed up and they jumped ship. Not good.
3. They haven't had time to be just themselves so at best you're a crutch until they find someone else. You're a safety net for their insecurity more often than not.
4. they aren't mature enough to not be in a relationship. again not good.
5. A hell of a lot of the time they will go back to the old partner, especially if they're still around. Their ex also has an advantage as he/she knows them better and know which buttons to press.
6. The grass(you) is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
7. They will be comparing you to the ex a lot(refer to number 1). Maybe not always at first, but when the gloss wears off, they will.

Hey first time I made a list. Go me.:D

Anyone reading this saying, "but we're different". I hope you're right, but be mindful.

Because of this I also have a rule not to get anyway serious about someone new until I've been alone long enough to move on from my ex. It's good for me and for any future partner.

In my years, I have only ever seen one of these relationships work out for any length of time and guess what she dumped him for the previous ex 3 years later.:eek:

You know thats the best piece of advice that I have got & indeed for any of us in the same situation. However in my previous relationship, I did not know about her ex until she told me a few weeks ago. I was taken by surprise and quite upset. She did tell me about another realtionship that she was in but it wasnt this guy. It is not nice being used a crutch and tossed aside once this happens.

This as you correctly pointed out shows that this person is immature and at worse insecure. No doubt the omens for success in these kind of "get back with the ex" relationships are not good and for whatever reason they broke up initially the problem remained unresolved and will pop up some time in the future. I have the sneaking feeling that this will all end in tears for her (as many other relationships like this do), will come crawling back to me and the sense of satisfaction in telling her to sling her hook.

Then again, I maybe wrong.

Wibbs

Partizan wrote:

You know thats the best piece of advice that I have got & indeed for any of us in the same situation.

I get lucky sometimes....:D

However in my previous relationship, I did not know about her ex until she told me a few weeks ago. I was taken by surprise and quite upset. She did tell me about another realtionship that she was in but it wasnt this guy.

There are a couple of signs to watch out for. If she has rarely been single and goes straight into a new relationship immediately after another. If she jumps too far too soon into a new relationship is not a good sign. If they constantly go on about how you are so much better than her ex is another bad sign.

It is not nice being used a crutch and tossed aside once this happens.

Have that tee shirt too.:D

This as you correctly pointed out shows that this person is immature and at worse insecure.

Generally yes.

No doubt the omens for success in these kind of "get back with the ex" relationships are not good and for whatever reason they broke up initially the problem remained unresolved and will pop up some time in the future.

yes it does depend on what split them up. If they see that the ex has resolved that problem, then the rebound was just a time out to reflect.

I have the sneaking feeling that this will all end in tears for her (as many other relationships like this do), will come crawling back to me and the sense of satisfaction in telling her to sling her hook.

Possibly, but she may feel guilty over using you and avoid you because of that. It's more likely she'll jump to someone else in double quick time. And the cycle of life continues....

Then again, I maybe wrong.

I think you're right. What you need to do is find someone that isn't an emotional disaster, that isn't attached and take it from there. they do exist.

Partizan

She never told me about the ex so it was you can imagine it was a shock to me when it happened. She complainted that I never asked her how she felt about me, despite the fact that when she took time out in February I asked her what her problem was and answerd me back that she wanted some time to be alone. When I met back up with her after the email she told me that she felt uncomfortable with me in that (and belive me on this) 1) I didnt talk to her the whole time when she was putting on her makeup in the morning & 2) she liked to have loud music on in the morning whereas I had on Today FM & 3) she left me hanging on for 3 weeks while she was making up her mind and then in the end accused me of putting her under pressure and saying that she would find this settling and that she could never live with me.

This 3 week period in reflection was merely a guilt trip by her and was thus preparing me for the eventual breakup.

She was in 2 previous long term relationships before myself. The first one she had at 18 but broke it up after the guy she was then with proposed to her. The second with her now boyfriend whom she was with for 3 years, broke up about 2 years ago shortly before coming to Ireland. It now transpires that she was in contact with this guy and was with him last summer when she went back home during which time I was with her, without my knowledge of course. I asked her twice why she broke with him 2 years ago but she refused to tell me stating that 'it was personal'. I dont know if they had resolved what problem they had but she accepted his proposal of marriage, again behind my back without my knowledge just as I was on the cusp myself of asking her to move in with me and proposing myself to her down the line. Its like as if she jumped the gun a bit too soon and got emotional hen this guy turned up.

I have a feeling she might turn up again on my doorstep.

You know I despair at women sometimes.

Wibbs

Partizan wrote:

She never told me about the ex so it was you can imagine it was a shock to me when it happened.

Jeez, that's rough. I feel for you there. I can't imagine if someone I thought of that way did that to me. I'd say I'd be angry/confused/down all at once. What I hope I would do is take the focus off her after a period of grieving and realise I'm worth far more than that. I deserve better treatment and respect than that and if I didn't get it, then sianara muppetess, it was your loss and my gain.

(and belive me on this) 1) I didnt talk to her the whole time when she was putting on her makeup in the morning & 2) she liked to have loud music on in the morning whereas I had on Today FM & 3) she left me hanging on for 3 weeks while she was making up her mind and then in the end accused me of putting her under pressure and saying that she would find this settling and that she could never live with me.

Clearly mad, especially the loud music bit.

This 3 week period in reflection was merely a guilt trip by her and was thus preparing me for the eventual breakup.

I reckon you're reading that right. Wouldn't have spotted it myself.

I asked her twice why she broke with him 2 years ago but she refused to tell me stating that 'it was personal'. I dont know if they had resolved what problem they had but she accepted his proposal of marriage,

As I wrote before if the ex "one" resolves the issue, her feelings and their history can bring them together again. There are few enough people out there that have split up with a big love over a particular issue, that if resolved wouldn't go back.

again behind my back without my knowledge just as I was on the cusp myself of asking her to move in with me and proposing myself to her down the line.

Trust me you dodged a bullet there. That's how you should look at it, because that's how it is.

I have a feeling she might turn up again on my doorstep.

I know it'll be difficult, but if she does, walk away. No one needs that kind of headwreck in the long term. You may never be sure she won't do similar again. It's possible she won't, but why take the risk? Why lower your expectations to include someone in your life who is that "confused". Sod that.

You know I despair at women sometimes.

Most men do at some time or other. Women often think the same of us In my experience some women have a tendency to react emotionally with a situation, thinking of how it'll effect them, without regard to how it will effect others and the bigger picture in the long run(including themselves). They can be self centered to the point of self destruction. Not necessarily selfish per se, just self centered. Just as a man in an aggressive rage, they often don't see it at the time.

Partizan

I know this sound strange but after what she has done to be, I still have very strong feelings for her. I still cant belive that this has happened to me. I made love to her 3 nights before she sent the email. I mean what are the chances of this happening in real life. You read about it in the glossy magazines and Sex & the City but I never imagined that it would happen to me. Right now I feel betrayed, angry and a strong sense of loss. I bent over backwards for her, helped her in her exams and all I got was a slap in the face.

I think once she sent me the email on 1 May, her mind was already made up. Although in the 3 week period after that when we were still in contact, we were on good friendly terms, chatting by phone, meeting up and even gave her a kiss the last time we met. Maybe I pressured her in the end with constant texts and calls which she found unsettling, but dragging it out 3 weeks, I mean come on. Her mind was already made up in the initial email.

Youre right, I dodged a real big bullet there. I guess in one way I was unfortunate that I met a girl with this kind of emotional baggage attached but if I could see into the future the heartbreak would have been spared. I do feel pity for her. She comes from a broken family. She never knew her father and her mother married 3 times. I guess growing up in this unstable environment contributed to shaping her personality and odd behaviour.

If she did try to come back into my life I would definitley turn her away. I mean how could I trust another person like that again. A Relationship is based on trust and respect.

Overall she acted in a very self-centred and selfish manner but I have this gut feeling that judging by her erratic behaviour in all this sorry affair I think it will end in heartbreak for her because 1) she rushed back into the arms of an ex without evaluating the consequences long term and 2) she is not emotionally or mature enough to make such a move and commitment and judging in her treatment to me. This is a recepie for disaster for her and one that I have in reflection avoided. Thanks for the advice.

Wibbs

Partizan wrote:

I know this sound strange but after what she has done to be, I still have very strong feelings for her.

Naturally.

I made love to her 3 nights before she sent the email. I mean what are the chances of this happening in real life. You read about it in the glossy magazines and Sex & the City but I never imagined that it would happen to me.

It happens. It happened to me 10 odd years ago. Made love with no sense there was something amiss. Planning things to do together months in advance, that sort of stuff. The very next morning, 8 hours later, I got dumped. I kid you not. 8 hours later. her reason? There was someone else and she was confused. So off she went. Three months later comes back to me, saying she got dumped by him and could we start again as she "loved" me. How I laughed at that. Needless to say I was tempted, but head and good sense made the choice for me and she was told she was insane and in no uncertain terms to go away and never come back. Clearly a loon.

Man was I right. Years later I found out that she had left her live in boyfriend of 4 years, out of the blue in similar circumstances.

Right now I feel betrayed, angry and a strong sense of loss. I bent over backwards for her, helped her in her exams and all I got was a slap in the face.

If you were good to her then it's her loss, not yours. Believe that.

Her mind was already made up in the initial email.

You can be sure of that. People like that make up their mind long before their arse follows. that's the real betrayal of any relationship you had.

Youre right, I dodged a real big bullet there.

Oh yes.

I do feel pity for her. She comes from a broken family. She never knew her father and her mother married 3 times. I guess growing up in this unstable environment contributed to shaping her personality and odd behaviour.

Remember they're just reasons they're not excuses. One of the kindest most loving woman I know came from a background that would make a grown man shudder. She rose above that. She's happily with a good mate of mine and that kind of behaviour wouldn't enter her head.

A Relationship is based on trust and respect.

True and balance. You may have loved her, she did not love you. Granted she may have thought she did, but her actions speak more of what she really felt.

Overall she acted in a very self-centred and selfish manner

Yep.

but I have this gut feeling that judging by her erratic behaviour in all this sorry affair I think it will end in heartbreak for her because 1) she rushed back into the arms of an ex without evaluating the consequences long term

Or it's possible that she is more compatible with him and the differences were ironed out. This does not mean that you are any lesser. Not at all. It just means it would never have worked out between you.

she is not emotionally or mature enough to make such a move and commitment and judging in her treatment to me.

True again, but again she may not have loved you the way she loves this other guy. She dealt with it very badly though. Probably out of simple loneliness and her need for a crutch.

This is a recepie for disaster for her and one that I have in reflection avoided.

You are right there.

Thanks for the advice.

One last bit. You will meet someone who is the person for you. You may meet more than one. But it will happen. Just don't judge other women by the standards of this emotional loon and get over her before you start anything serious with someone else. Otherwise you may do to them what has been done to you. At least this experience will teach you to look for the signs and avoid them in the future(my list in my other post is a good start). It worked for me.

Partizan

Cheers for the advice Wibbs. It was obvious that they were in contact over a period of time, I mean how else did her ex know where she lived. I just dont believe her 'he turned up on my door one Sunday morning and proposed to me' malarky, cue the time out in late February till the end of March

I dont think however that she jumped from that relationship to the next but either way its the sign of a very immature and insecure girl. There was a break of about 1 year before she met me but she may have had a casual relationship in between with someone else.

Anyway time to stop dwelling on the past and look to the future. I'm off to London this weekend to stay with pals. Its just the break that I need.

estar

i was friends with my boyfriend for a year before we started going out
and we first became friendly just after I had stopped seeing someone.

I knew i wasnt ready, so said i wanted to be friends. and then when I was
ready he was there.

I had more respect than to get physcial or waste his romantic time,
but he did listen to me a lot, and I listened to him. I dated one or two
people for one or two dates during this time, but not seriously.

It was the friendship that was a lovely basis for our relationship now.

Im telling you all this to say that all girls are not looking for cuddle bitches
but sometimes to be a friend is a great gift.

However I think that it would be a pity to waste more of your time on this girl - she wasnt honest with you. She obviously had feelings for the other guy and hadnt the courage to be alone while she wasnt free to see other people because of these feelings.

You dont want to be attached to a girl with no honour or respect for
others. What she did was wrong, if she knew that you wanted a serious
relationship.

put it down to experience, dont get bitter many of these posters,
and move on.

estar

Partizan wrote:

She never told me about the ex so it was you can imagine it was a shock to me when it happened. She complainted that I never asked her how she felt about me, despite the fact that when she took time out in February I asked her what her problem was and answerd me back that she wanted some time to be alone. When I met back up with her after the email she told me that she felt uncomfortable with me in that (and belive me on this) 1) I didnt talk to her the whole time when she was putting on her makeup in the morning & 2) she liked to have loud music on in the morning whereas I had on Today FM & 3) she left me hanging on for 3 weeks while she was making up her mind and then in the end accused me of putting her under pressure and saying that she would find this settling and that she could never live with me.

This 3 week period in reflection was merely a guilt trip by her and was thus preparing me for the eventual breakup.

She was in 2 previous long term relationships before myself. The first one she had at 18 but broke it up after the guy she was then with proposed to her. The second with her now boyfriend whom she was with for 3 years, broke up about 2 years ago shortly before coming to Ireland. It now transpires that she was in contact with this guy and was with him last summer when she went back home during which time I was with her, without my knowledge of course. I asked her twice why she broke with him 2 years ago but she refused to tell me stating that 'it was personal'. I dont know if they had resolved what problem they had but she accepted his proposal of marriage, again behind my back without my knowledge just as I was on the cusp myself of asking her to move in with me and proposing myself to her down the line. Its like as if she jumped the gun a bit too soon and got emotional hen this guy turned up.

I have a feeling she might turn up again on my doorstep.

You know I despair at women sometimes.

this woman sounds quite dim
imagine telling someone the reason that you were breaking up with them
was because you listen to the wrong radio station

she wasnt in love with you

its not a gender thing, its a person thing.

dont write off half the human race because of one person

that doesnt make any logical sense.

Wibbs

estar wrote:

i was friends with my boyfriend for a year before we started going out
and we first became friendly just after I had stopped seeing someone.

I knew i wasnt ready, so said i wanted to be friends. and then when I was
ready he was there.

I had more respect than to get physcial or waste his romantic time,
but he did listen to me a lot, and I listened to him. I dated one or two
people for one or two dates during this time, but not seriously.

That's your emotional maturity showing. Fair play. You would be surprised how many don't have that.

It was the friendship that was a lovely basis for our relationship now.

The best kind I find.

Im telling you all this to say that all girls are not looking for cuddle bitches
but sometimes to be a friend is a great gift.

True. The trick is spotting the real deal. Basically if they act the way you did after a long term relationship then you're on to a winner.

estar

Wibbs wrote:

That's your emotional maturity showing. Fair play. You would be surprised how many don't have that.
The best kind I find.

True. The trick is spotting the real deal. Basically if they act the way you did after a long term relationship then you're on to a winner.

aw thanks, im not great all the time!!!

Partizan

Thanks guys for the advice.

I am starting my rehabilitation phase and the pain of rejection is slowly easing.

Cheers

Setun

sex for children

Wibbs

And your informative and well thought out point means what exactly?

davyjose

Just so you know OP, I was friends with a girl who was going out with a fella and they were in a bit of a dry patch. I never said anything for a while - I was scared it would ruin our friendship - but guess what, like you, our friendship suffered anyway.
Anyway, one day she said she was going travelling for a yr with this guy. Well I said fcuk it, and told her how I feel. Ended up going out with her and falling madly in love - we broke up much much later, over entirely different reasons - you've nothing to lose by asking her to be with you!!!!

Wibbs

I take davyjose's point, but and it's a big but, the OP already has his answer if he looks at the situation. The object of his desire was having issues with her long term BF. He tell her of his feelings. She drops the longtermer. She then goes back to the longtermer citing history/family reasons. A couple of things stand out. She didn't go the mature route and bale on the longtermer although she claimed he wasn't pressing her buttons anymore. Not very honest or respectful of that relationship. The OP comes into view and only then she jumps ship. Not very honest again. She goes back to the longtermer. The "reasons" she gave are excuses. Nothing more. She says she isn't in love with him anymore, yet she goes back. Judge people on their actions not what they say. She is saying one thing and clearly doing something else.

She saw the grass wasn't as green elsewhere so she went back. Luckily for the OP this didn't drag out for longer. Usually the rebound lasts until the honeymoon period is up. In the rebound case this is usually a shorter period than in other couples. I've even seen rebounds last for up to a couple of years. Generally it's more like 3 to 6 months.

LegacyUser

have read all the posts and taken all on board but i just can't get her out of my head. For me, all the things she said about me etc. made me a more confident person etc and what she has done to me now has really been a kick in the teeth. I wonder did she mean any of it and while I think she did, i can't see how she can just change her mind just like that. She is a genuine person and thats why i believe what she told me is true but i don't know. Things between us now are awkward. We aren't getting on the best at the moment but I just want to have it out with her and vent my anger. I dont think things can get any worse

Wibbs

whatshouldido wrote:

have read all the posts and taken all on board but i just can't get her out of my head.

It can be a hard one. Now I have been both in your position(and it went badly) and in the position of her ex(and they came back). Not easy for either side at the time.

For me, all the things she said about me etc. made me a more confident person etc and what she has done to me now has really been a kick in the teeth.

Can I say something here. YOU made you more confident. That's the truth. It feels like she did but the fact is all she did was let you believe more in yourself. You have the power to do that on your own. It's better if you do. That way in future you will be the person you want and know yourself to be without the need for others to tell you. That's better for future relationships too.

I wonder did she mean any of it

She may not have or more likely didn't know what she wanted and you ticked some of the boxes the ex didn't. Or she may have meant it at the time.

and while I think she did, i can't see how she can just change her mind just like that.

I would say honestly that she didn't know what she wanted, was "confused" and in the end the ex covers more bases than you(for her).

She is a genuine person and thats why i believe what she told me is true but i don't know.

Let's examine how genuine she is. She stayed with her ex while apparently she wanted out. very genuine and loyal to him. She only jumped ship when you turned up. When she examined what she wanted she went back to the ex. She gave you BS reasons for going back. They were excuses. full stop. Genuine? very slightly maybe. Self centered and emotionally all over the place? Yes. Worth pursuing? No. You can do better. You can certainly do better than someone who who acts like that.

We aren't getting on the best at the moment but I just want to have it out with her and vent my anger.

MY advice? Do not vent your anger. What will it achieve? The chances are 90% she won't come back to you. Even if she did it will be out of guilt or duress. Not a good thing. Or it will just give her a final confirmation you were not right for her. You get to say your piece alright, but freaking out may have the effect of making you look weak. Why give her the satisfaction? It will make you feel worse afterwards I suspect, especially if she starts the whole, "I'm still confused" lark. Why devote any more time to someone who has clearly rejected you? Don't reject yourself. You don't need to.

I dont think things can get any worse

They can if you pursue this. I would break contact with her TBH. Walk away and find someone who isn't so "confused" or just out of a heavy long term relationship, because I guarantee she will do the same to you in the future if she hasn't learned her lesson.

LegacyUser

i know your right Wibbs and everything you say makes sense but i've never got the chance to tell her properly how she has hurt me etc. Also its getting to the stage where she is making me feel guilty for whats happened. I suppose i'm unlikely to get her on her own anyway to tell her how i feel and i'd never fully express what i mean under the pressure of talking face to face with her

Wibbs

We all know it's not going to be easy for you whatshouldido, but you will get through this. Going through this and getting past this will make you a better person in the future. I know it doesn't seem so now when it's so fresh, but it will. Trust me.

At the moment you're in panic mode in many ways. You're probably running it all over and over in your head. I bet you're asking yourself things like; "what if I did this" What if I hadn't have said this", What if I showed her how much she means to me", What if I showed her how she hurt me" etc All natural stuff at the moment. In the end all of that means nothing, as she left you. It only has any value if you think you may have done something wrong and can change it for future reference. Not for her either, but for you.

In a way I'm glad you won't be able to get her on her own and confront her. Why should you express your deepest feelings to someone who didn't regard them. It really makes no sense if you think about it. Again trust me it will do no good and will set you back on the process of getting yourself back, better than before. Put it another way if you do nothing like meet her, text her or god forbid write her a letter, you can't f*ck up. If you meet her etc the chances are high you will. Solution, take the anti NIKE challenge "Just don't do it".

At this point this is all about you, not her. Treat it like that. She lost all rights to your emptions good or bad the very second she left you(and went off with another). Look in the mirror. She rejected you. Sod that. You'll find quite a few women who will want you and respect you far more than she did. I guarantee there were women in your past who fancied you and you knew nothing about it. Think on that for the moment. Why give her any more thought than is required to get her out of head?

Consider this as well, She lied to one of you or both of you. She couldn't have been sincere no matter which way you cut it. Forget what she said. Talk is cheap, her actions should prove to you her worth with regard to you. The more you think and believe that it was her loss in the longterm the quicker you will go through the withdrawal and the hurt and the better you will be.

LegacyUser

i know your right Wibbs but i'm so tempted to say something to her. I suppose the thing is that we work together and are due to work closely on a project in the coming weeks. I feel that if I don't say something to her before then that the day we spend together will be excruciating

Wibbs

whatshouldido wrote:

i know your right Wibbs

Keep those words coming. I hear it so rarely.

but i'm so tempted to say something to her.

Hell I'm sometimes tempted to turn up to a business meeting naked but for a thin covering of honey and act as if there's nothing amiss, but it wouldn't be exactly wise. Joking aside and I think I may be proved right here, I don't think it would be wise to say a damn thing.

I suppose the thing is that we work together and are due to work closely on a project in the coming weeks.

Difficult I agree, but you can do it. And when you do it, you will be proud of yourself for not letting someone not worthy of your affections affect you(even if it's only for show).

I feel that if I don't say something to her before then that the day we spend together will be excruciating

OK let's imagine you say something. It can turn out in a few ways. The first is you freak out at her for being a silly B and her decision to dump you is reinforced, or you tell you are mad about her and she sees you as the safety net if the ex doesn't work out, or she sees you as weak for telling her your feelings in the first place. I honestly can't see anything that you may say that will make her go "Oh no I made a mistake" or "Oh no I hurt him sooo much". Even if it did, you really don't want someone that variable.There is really no upside to this if you look at it logically which will be difficult for you at the moment naturally. In the future you will be able to look at this logically and you will again go, Jaysus Wibbs was right. That's when you buy me a pint BTW.......

Say nothing and act normally( I know it'll be an act, but...) and that way you will keep your dignity and strength and it will put her off guard in a major way. Can you imagine her reaction? trust me she is expecting you to say or do something, but you don't. You act as if this meant something to you before, but the second she made her choice you act accordingly. That's the best action even if it's for some idea of revenge and more importantly it allows you to move on. Then again you never know. It's a small world and that project you're working on may include a business meeting when Wibbs decides to show up naked, but for a thin covering of honey........ You can thank me at the time.